Thursday, February 14, 2008

I F*cking Love You B*tch!

I don’t think I’ve ever understood the true meaning of Valentines Day. I never had to. My mother always found a way to combine my birthday and Valentines Day into one big vomit of a celebration.

I remember receiving cards, candy and once a dozen pink roses, all from my mother. Every year she would spend hours molding my birthday cake into a gigantic pink heart. If I knew any better I would have sliced right down the middle of her cake with a knife, licking the frosting from my fingertips.

The Valentine that once was my mother, eventually somehow shifted into a painful day that involved boys. Boys who never could really grasp the significance of candy grams and other mushy stuff that I would probably care less about on any other day. Focus boys, because I’m only going to say this once. Being romantic = getting laid. Maybe even a blowjob, depending on what kind of chocolate we’re talkin’. How does this work out? Well because the better you treat us women, the more we have to go and brag to our friends about. And the more we have to rub in our friend’s faces, the happier we are!

Oh come on, we’ve all experienced it. In high school the person who received the most balloons and candy grams was for some reason peerless. They were equivalent to someone society would trophy today after having cosmetic surgery and a diet of grapes.

Back in the day, a majority of the “gifts” I received on Valentines Day, people tried to pass off as late birthday presents. Really, this paper card with a lollipop stuck to it does not make up for the fact that you forgot my birthday. (I really feel bad for those people who have to celebrate their birthdays so close to Christmas). In addition, you’re a girl. So we can’t even make out so I can show you my appreciation for this “Happy Birthday/Valentines Day” balloon you got me.

After those days were over, Valentines Day became another excuse of a holiday to go out and get sh*t faced with a bunch of my single girlfriends.

“Do you have a Valentine?”

“Nope.”

“Neither do I. Tequila shots?”

“Ok.”

As I get older and the more I sound like a bitter-20-something-that-needs-to-get-laid-or-at-least-a-really-big-box-of-chocolates, I wonder, maybe my mom was the best Valentine I’ve ever had? Doing a body shot out of my girl’s belly button is in tie for second with eating a whole box of chocolates by myself. How romantic.

Man does that gigantic pink heart cake sound really good right about now…

38 comments:

oestrebunny said...

“Do you have a Valentine?”

“Nope.”

“Neither do I. Tequila shots?”

“Ok.”


Every year, every year. Except usually its not tequila, its chocolate. And usually its not my friend, but my cat.

anonymousnupe said...

Wait. Oestrebunny does chocolate shots off her cat's belly?! I didn't realize how hard it is for a milf out there.

Here's hoping she and all the lovely ladies reading this, especially Ms. P., at least get fangered today.

Shambhu said...

My wife doesn't understand the relationship between really good gifts, and blow jobs. Last year I gave her a Zune fully loaded with her entire music collection plus some, and I got no oral.

country roads said...

I'm all about the body shots! Now, there's a valentine's day.

Still_Pocahontaz said...

Awww Happy V Day Ms P!

maverick said...

“Do you have a Valentine?”

“Nope.”

“Neither do I. Tequila shots?”

“Ok.”


lol...LMAO...i prefer whiskey...or scotch??wat say???

Diva said...

I know where you're comin from.
I'll end up sitting on the couch drinkin a bottle of wine, watching CSI and throwin back some truffels.

Living with a man who is past his peak is a bitch.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Happy Valentine's Day Darling!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

What a bittersweet V-Day post.

How about a pink heart cake infused with tequila shots? Would that make you happy?

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

BTW, happy, happy birthday, BP. Did you get the stripper we sent you?

Qucifer said...

oestrebunny... I have not stopped laughing for 5 minutes... too much



I have a deep hate in my heart for the following holiday in no particular order... Keep in mind HATE like I could spit thinking about it, like you ain't gonna get a present or any cutesy wotsey shit from me: V-day,My B-day cause it gets made shitty not cause I don't adore getting older, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween and Fourth of July..... bunch of made up commercial shit trying to pass for cheer


I better get dick and flowers for no particular reason and on the regular too before I start being vindictive

Slick said...

Tequila on Valentines and you're complaining??! ;)

If I gotta be romantic...I better get laid AND recieve a blowjob. It's hard work romancing.

Slausin-Ass Slaus said...

For the simple fact I am breathing, is reason enough for me to receive oral.

Like if im walking down the street, and I open the door for some strange beautiful woman, I feel she should thank me with dick-to-lips. Just sayin.

That's why my wife doesnt allow me to do nice stuff for her. she know there's an ulterior motive.

" Hey baby can i make you dinner?"
" Awww Slaus, that will be gr... NO you're just tryna feed me dick!"

eclectik said...

Partron or Jose!?

I heart me some Nanner Puddin!

Happy Trick Off for P Day!

e.

Ms.Lady said...

HAPPY V-DAY!!!

Have a couple shots fo' me!!

Don said...

Happy Valentines Day, msP.

I agree, getting laid is romantic. The better the lay, the more romantic it is.

Muze said...

heyy lady. i have a lot to catch up on because as you know i've been under the weather, but happy belated birthday! no wonder i like you so much, i knew you had that fantabulous aquarian craziness to you. lol.

hope you valentine's day is going well!

Ms. Behaving said...

Happy Valentine's Day Ms. P.

Make sure you take one to the head for me :-)

Gorgeous said...

Have a good one girl. You KEEP me laughing!

Steph said...

My dad has always been my best Valentine gift giver. *sigh*
Happy V-day to you.

Caesar Cannon said...

Valentines are for pussies...

but damn, I wish my birthday was close to valentines day. that way I could hit chicks with the double up jawn. bake me a cake for my birthday? and give me some cheeks and oral for V-day? would be so damn cool

Cannon

MsPuddin said...

bunny- well you are welcome to stop by my place, bring your cat and the chocolate. Lets make this year a little interesting…

nupe- lol I think you read that ALL wrong…and there will be no fangering, unfortunately…

shambhu- well hi there! A zune? Please explain, maybe that is why…

cr- I’m down!

still_p- you too! Make that hubby of yours do you right!

maverick- I don’t see what is so funny about that!? that’s depressing. : ( * sigh * doesn’t matter, anything to get me fcked up…

diva- being single sucks, being in a relationship sucks, lets all go and eat my mom’s heart cake…

pp- you too mamas!!

bugs butt- sorry to be such a debbie…(those three dots were just for you)…stripper? Funny you should say that…

qucifer- oooh dick and flowers…and not necessarily in that order…

slick- I know, I should count my blessings, and my shots…you re married, it shouldn’t be that hard…oh wait, nevermind…

slaus- I have some terrible news, I don’t know if anyone ever told you this, but you are not that special…* gasp * yeah I think she is onto you…you married a smart woman…

e- patron! I had a bad jose experience. And no I don’t want to talk about it…aw I heart you too! This is too mushy…

ms.lady- you too mamas!!

don- Happy Valentines Day to you too Don. I hope you are sharing it w someone special. Sex is beautiful with the right person…

muze- hope you are feeling better. Us Aquarians got to stay strong! Happy V day and bday!

msb- lol Right back atcha! Make sure that hubby of your’s takes good care of you!

gorgeous!- always a pleasure! Welcome!

steph- hot dress mamas! Dad’s are the greatest! Get some booty mamas!!

cannon- lol yes damn pussies! Wow, that is a lame excuse, you just need to step up your game!

UBERMOUTH said...

I got a laptop for Valentine's Day from my sweetie. He got sexy used black knickers- I think that's fair. :)

Caesar Cannon said...

P: who you know gonna bake me a cake and it aint my birthday or some shit? and I do need to step the game up... but I never need an excuse to come at a chick on some shit like that

Cannon

Diva said...

I'll bring some wine and chocolates.

Bella said...

SWEET post!

Hope your day was great.

=) bella

Sabina said...

Guys really need to learn that if they do nice things for me, I'm far more likely to feel generous enough to agree to something I normally don't think they deserve. (Anal, anyone?) Not just Valentine's Day, but all year long.

Mister Underhill said...

That's sad. It seems like so many great girls never get guys who are nice to them on valentine's day.

Though I do find the shitload of diamond commercials around valentine's ridiculous. I mean, a diamond?!?! At least boning married chicks means I won't have to buy any diamonds any time soon.

G-Sweet said...

Yea... I think I'm done wit the vday thing... I'm tired of being the nice guy... I did the suprise flowers & candy thing, and got a text message response... hahahaha!... reality check... I'm goin to have shots wit yo ass next year...

Patron double shot please!

Drea said...

Yeah V-Day kind of sucks.. I mean I did get some flowers and candy but my day was filled with work and school and home alone once again. I didn't really get to enjoys the whole flower thing. I do admit the flower were hella nice but the holiday has no real significance. It has always been a way for men to figure out clever ways of getting laid or show how bad they feel about not acting right during the rest of the year which will hopefully lead them into, suprising, "getting laid". I wish men can actually do shit like flowers, gift and candy without having motives behind the gift. It being something they start of doing from the jump of the relationship, it being apart of who they are and not because they have messed up in the past.

All im saying is start off doing special shit like flowers, gifts, little notes, cards and candy on the regular and not just on a holiday or when you have f*ck*d up!!

LMAO.. Anyways Happy Valentines Day Ms. P. and we taking them shots together on Saturday..

swag_ambassador said...

its amazing who ya find on the blog community LOL.. hey girl!

James Tubman said...

you got a good mother

she can probably throw down on some cake too

you are so right about women having to brag about how much attenion they get from men

i love it because i know you all can't help it

sometimes it backfires though

you gotta watch who you're telling

MsPuddin said...

uber- must be nice. Sounds fair to me ;p

cannon- I made birthday cupcakes, I put rum in them. Is that a sign of alcoholism..?

diva- sounds good…

bella- it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, thanks B ;p

sabina- anal? Really? You re brave, I would probably stop at a bj, but we are on the same pg as far as favors go…

underhill- I don’t need diamonds puh! Just a free meal and dessert ;p

g- I got you!

drea- well looks like I got some dirty laundry drying up on my page…no further commentary…;p

swag- Hay! Damn. This is crazy, well now you know my secret ;p

james- I love bragging, but the last few years have been more of a no good rant…I need to switch it up…

shelia said...

Happy Belated Birthday. I've always wondered how it felt to have your birthday and a major hoiday like Christmas or V-Day so close together or even on the same day. People try to get out of giving gifts when it's not close together so I can imagine.

BlogXilla - Winner Of Best New Blog said...

Yeah I have a friend whose birthday is around Christmas.... so she just moved her birthday to July. You can do that. It might help. People are cheap though, I love valentine's day b/c my last name is Valentine. it's sort of vain b/c i only like it b/c I see my name everywhere!! lol ha!!

But We could do shots of patron anyday.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Your mom is awesome like my momma, for sure.

Marleaux said...

Well, the only vday gift I received was from my mom. She's a real gift giver... So I cracked open my patron bottle and had a few shots by my dayum self. Funny thing is, I gotta man. Looking over at that snoring zzz ni99a. *rolls eyes* And I just knew he made us reservations at the Stinking Rose. *accidently kneeing him*

Vday is for nw couples and booty call hopefuls...

Chocl8t said...

LOL...my grandmother baked me pink cakes too!!! Too funny! Yeah, that holiday birthday combo shit blows!