Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Ok so I went to put in my two weeks at my job the other day.
You know what they told me? “No.Unacceptable”. I’m sorry, but I wasn’t asking to quit, I’m going to quit. Period. Unacceptable? What is unacceptable is that I work here! I hate you, your baldhead and your tie! I hate this job! I hate the dumbass people that come into this place. I hate what I have to wear to work. I hate perky people. I hate being perky to people, who are perky and ask me dumb perky questions like…
Sucky people: “Um excuse me, do you work here?”
MsP: No, I don’t work here. I just like coming in here every day wearing the same sh*t that everyone else is wearing.
Sucky people: “Um excuse me, do you have a bathroom?”
MsP: No we don’t have a bathroom. What kind of restaurant/bar do you think we are? A bathroom? Pfffff. (Wouldn’t the question be, where’s your bathroom, not do you have one)?
Sucky people: “This place is great, do you like working here?”
MsP: No! I don’t! Stop asking me dumbass perky ass questions!
So therefore, whether they accept it or not, after two weeks I’m out! I’m returning my uniform, unwashed, and I’m getting another job. Life is too short.
Have a great weekend people!!!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Sorry I’ve been so bootsy on the blogging people, but I met a boy! Yes, Ms Puddin’ has been busy cupcakin’. Jealous? (hee, hee).
Here’s the scoop: It was Sunday night when I was leaving this reggae spot with my girl. I came struttin’ out the club, the wind picked up my hair music video style, there was a twinkle in my eye that said * bink*. I was lookin’ like a 10. (Basically, I managed to get down the front stairs of the club without tripping in my heels and falling on my face).
Outside there was a group of guys standing around, shooting the sh*t and I made them all pause. I brought the milkshake to the yard. I mean the boys. Wait, I mean this one boy. I brought him to my yard, for a shake. Nevermind.
“Ay, can I walk you to your car?” this one boy asked, as he stepped to me.
I gave him the good side eye.
“If you promise not to laugh at it,” I said. “My car that is.” (F*ck y’all, I roll hard in the Honda, what!)
We ended up having a quick, catchy conversation, where I would for the most part say something stupid and he would laugh at me. (I got game b*tches)! Then I gave him my number and he called me the next day. This is weird, because usually guys call me like three weeks later and by the time I remember who the f*ck they are, the conversation gets all awkward.
So anyway, Monday we went on the best date I’ve been on in a long time. I think what was so great about it was all my geeky suggestions on things to do he was totally game. We ended up going bowling. Then we went to TGI Fridays to have some drinks and watch the rest of the Warriors game.
We were enjoying each other’s company so much, he offered to take me to show off his studio, where we made out and had hot kinky sex on the…just kidding. We did go to the studio, where he makes beats, but we didn’t have hot kinky sex. Boo. Instead we ended the night hanging out at my boy’s dive bar. I mean, what a better place to go on a first date than a dive bar?
We hung out again yesterday. I was on cloud nine until he told me that his sister won this Hooters competition and he is going to the Playboy Mansion this weekend. Great, he is going to come back with a giant rubber duckie on his arm and totally forget about me. * tear *
I’ll keep everyone posted…
Monday, March 24, 2008
Ladies, ladies, ladies, I’ve noticed a shift in my readership. I used to get a lot of male commentary, now it seems to be coming from the ladies. Maybe I don’t put out as much as I used to? I don’t know, but there’s nothing wrong with this, in fact I want to take the opportunity to write something for my female readers.
A while back I wrote a post about how men always go on and on about how disgusting a chick is. Gonorrhea, one eye, snot bubbles, dookie booty, a missing toe and a hairy back often times will not prevent a man from still tapping that ass. Slaus even went ahead, (possibly jeopardizing his man card), to explain the three categories men put women into:
1). Id wife her.
2). I'd hit it.
3). I'd hit it if I don't have sh*t else to do, like: nothing is on TV that day. Xbox live account is down.
4). I'd never hit that sh*t. nevah.
So ladies now it’s your turn, but since we are ladies, I guess the question would be more so “would you gold dig it?” Fellas to be fair go ahead and toss in your two cents, but ladies, if the price was right would you…
F*ck with Flava Flav? (Yeah boi!)
Now I know this nucca is black as hell and has like 15 baby mamas, but somehow he still manages to have 20 women per show throwing their wet panties at him. On a good day he will take you out for some fried chicken and while you’re out you might get to sport one of those fancy clocks. I mean who could pass up the chance to possibly get a cool nickname like, “booty-cheeks” or “cherry popper”?
What about R. Kelly?
Now ladies, I know what you are thinking, “he only likes to piss on underage girls.” But I’m sure if you asked him, he wouldn’t mind pissing on you too. Yum!
How about mini me aka Verne Troyer?
Think abut this for a second, because technically he is the perfect height. The money might be soooo worth it.
Ok I went out on a limb with this guy, but hey, at least it will be easy to get into one of his videos. Just walk around the house topless and intoxicated.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
I haven’t had cable in my house for two years. Before that, my roommate and I used to have bootleg cable. One of our neighbor’s friends had a crush on me, who also happened to work for Comcast. He got to take me out for dinner and I got free cable. (I guess I got the better hand of that deal).
So anyway, we had cable for a year, until the 86-year-old woman who lived downstairs from us died. Just kidding. She moved out and our new neighbors, that we have now, moved in. When Comcast came to hook up their cable, they sure did shut ours off.
Now we don’t even get NBC, ABC, nada. Boo.
However, not having cable has been surprisingly good for my self-esteem. Not necessarily how I view myself physically, but my intellect level has gone way up. I don’t understand words like F@%&!@ or A@$!!**& or S*!!#@%&@H&6$*$^! anymore.
I caught a little of that Rock of Love show on Vh1 the other day and, I swear, (ha) every other word out of these people’s mouths was the F word. I watched Snoop’s show, Dancing with the Stars, The Bachelor, what else? I don’t know, but I guess I’m not missing much. I hate to say it, but with all the reality TV shows out there now, we are basically watching ourselves, and it’s not pretty.
Today I overheard some people who kept saying “Day 26, Day 26”. I’m like what happens on Day 26? What is Day 26???! Are we all going to die? Is Anna Nicole Smith going to come back from the dead and make another Trim Spa commercial? Is rent due early?
They’re like, “uh it’s the group from Making the Band 4, duh.”
Whoa! My bad. I guess I have to wait until they drop their album to get in on that conversation.
Btw, is it just me or do they look a little uncomfortable...
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Ok I’m a little late jumping on the get-on-DMX-for-saying-some-stoopid-sh*t bandwagon, but I had to point something out. Aside from all the other BS he was talking about in his interview with XXL Magazine, his last statement on us having a black president had some truth to it…
XXL: But it would be pretty big if we had a first Black president. That would be huge.
DMX: “I mean, I guess…. What, they gon’ give a dog a bone? There you go. Ooh, we have a Black president now. They should’ve done that shit a long time ago, we wouldn’t be in the fuckin’ position we in now. With world war coming up right now. They done fucked this shit up then give it to the Black people, Here you take it. Take my mess.”
Now I’m not saying DMX is so deep that we should all become politically unaware rappers, with a “ I don’t give a f*ck” attitude. It’s just so ironic that I watched Obama’s speech on race right after reading DMX’s interview with XXL magazine. “Here you take it, take my mess”, is some real sh*t.
Look at us, this country. It’s sloppy and filled with so much hate and confusion. I mean our inability to accept differences isn’t the only reason, but it is a big part of why our economy is so f*cked up. You would think that after all this time we still didn’t have to explain to certain people that for the most part, we all sh*t the same way, but we do. We can’t accept change. We are too superficial. We are too busy focusing on the race and gender of candidates, rather than the issues they stand for.
If Obama becomes president he has a lot of work cut out for him. Ha, but that ain’t nothing new…
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Today at work one of my male coworkers invited me to go to church with him and his family on Easter Sunday. I’m flattered, but f*ck. The last time I went to church, gas was under $3 and I think Jesus laughed at me.
I have a love/hate relationship with church. I love how refreshing and uplifting it can be, but at the same time I hate how it can make me feel like I walked in the building wearing OJ’s glove. I guess I feel that way because I never go. Also my mom being Jewish and my dad a Christian, has left me a bit confused. While I’m sitting there listening to the pastor preach about so many positive things, all that is flashing in my mind is my debauchery from the night before. (Whoops). But wait, isn't that the point? To free yourself of your sins?
I’m pretty sure my coworker invited me as a “friend”, (I wonder if he is trying to tell me something) but I know his family goes to a really prestigious church. I prefer to go to one of those “come as you are” churches, so no one will say anything if I come hung over, in jeans.
Plus my whole wardrobe is black, wtf am I going to wear? Is a tight, black skirt to skanky? Too funeral? Should I hide my tattoos? Do I really want to get up at 8 a.m. on a Sunday? Ack! I think I’m going to have a panic attack. I told him I would think about it. What do you think? Should Ms Puddin’ go and get her praise on?
Maybe I will meet the Easter bunny ;p ...
Friday, March 14, 2008
* Warning!! * Don’t read this @ work.
I got the chance to catch up with Slaus from over at Oh Hell Nawl this week and we got into one of our usual random ass conversations…
MsP: Slaus, how’s it goin'? Back problems? Old lady giving you trouble?
Slaus: Hey baby thanks for having me here on your blog n ish! I really appreciate the chance to get away from the shenanigans of my family and then the staff. It's like a damn party filled with meth-addicted monkeys, but without the high and the monkey's are throwing shyt on my walls and trying to sodomise me with damn jolly ranchers! Who does that?
MsP: Um, I couldn't tell ya. Soooo... the Web site you're a slave to, Oh Hell Nawl, is becoming really popular. When was the last time someone you know made you go "Oh Hell Nawl"?
Slaus: Slave is right doll! I kinda feel fortunate, because I see ignant shyt all day every day ya know. Just Monday I was at work and saw this lil hot blonde chick getting on the elevator. Since I could see the elevator was going down, I ran and jumped in also. You should have seen the look on her face! Not because a Big ol black dude jumped on the elevator with her, it's because she obviously thought she was gonna take the ride by herself.. cuz she pooted. I mean it had to be her, cuz there was no one else there but she and I. Must have been one of those lingering ass lingering kinda poots too I bet. All I know is: It smelled like Ha Ha Hell. Damn shame for a girl that fine to poot a cloud of what could be mistaken for Lean cuisines and lama dick. Nasty. She WAS fine though. But I'd have to question her diet. Smellin like that.
MsP: Damn, that will teach you to take the stairs. Have any of your staff ever got into it?
Slaus: The question isn't IF they have, the question is when DON'T we fight. I -mean- fiiiiight. There isn't a week that goes by, when someone doesn't say to me: " Fugg this, you can fire me then!" or " I know that bytch didn’t say what I think she said to me," and my favorite: " You need to get such n such before I cuss them the fugg out! I aint playing!" Most of the time the anger is based at me though, and it's completely deserved. I can be a hard person to work for. Shyt, just Wednesday I fought with my Marketing Manager for an hour over messenger, then fought with my Sales Manager that afternoon!
MsP: Once yall get it together and quit fighting, what are your plans for OHN?
Slaus: GET. PUBLISHED. I am SO sincere. The first goal is to get published by 2009, 2010 at the latest. But it’s going to be really difficult to do so with the way the strip is set up right now. It is a real problem and real talk? It keeps me up at nights sometime. Thank God for Sex n martini’s to bring me back to earth!
MsP: Do you have any blogging rituals? Ex: stretching, finger aerobics, lots of booze, etc.?
Slaus: I blog at my best usually when I find some quiet time, got some Jimi Hendrix or Lenny Kravitz playing, and a dirty martini with three olives. Im boojie. A good martini is the way to go... matter of fact? Where are the dranks? No dranks, and you haven’t flashed boobs once in this interview. This is some booolshyt.
MsP: My bad, vodka and cran or gin and tonic?
Slaus: Gin n Tonic.. or dirty Martini with three gourmet olives. Not those fake ass fake pimento ass Albertson shyts either. Gourmet dammit! Yeah, I’m unapologetically boojie.
MsP: How about, Grape juice or grape drink?
Slaus: Grape anything is nasty as hale!
MsP: Ok, what about orange juice or drank? Red drink???
Slaus: Ok red drank! Definitely. Does that mean I get to keep my Black Card? Cuz you know grape drink is like a Black staple. Every black house from the hood to the Hamptons has a packet of grape koolaid somewhere in the crib! But you know we gotta mix it with other shyt like a lil lemonade.. lil orange drink. Shit.. if there was a chemist degree for mixing koolaid? Black folks would have phd’s a plenty!
MsP: You always talking about some black folks sh*t. If you were stuck on Neverland Ranch with Michael Jackson, what would you do?
Slaus: Slap the dog shyt out of his dumb ass. Why the fugg a beautiful black man, wanna turn himself into an ugly ass white woman? Looking like skeletor n shyt. I expect us to see Michael Jackson in a purple cloak n shyt within a few years, tryna take over Castle Gray skull... watch.
MsP: I would never think of doing that, slapping MJ, that is. Was there ever a moment in time where someone said something really profound when you weren't expecting him or her to? Have you ever shocked yourself?
Slaus: I remember back in the day when I was the typical knucklehead, my Uncle Keith told me: Obstacles exist only when you take your eyes off of the goal. Girl, that shyt has defined my life ever since. That and the biggie Lyric: Damn right/ If Their heads right/ Biggie there ery night! That's real. Shyt I have shocked myself plenty of times when thinking of funny things to say. Lot's of it I don't think will ever see print. It's some shyt i'd hav to save for the stage or something.
MsP: Speaking of Biggie, did you like it better when we called Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy or Diddy?
Slaus: Ion't care if that negro wanna be called captain Kookoocachoo. GIVE US ANOTHER BIGGIE CALIBER ARTIST DAMMIT! And make Sean John clothing comfy in a 3XL bytch! Diddy ass diddy.
MsP: Of the stories you tell, I see you've done a lot of crazy things on your lifetime. What's the craziest thing you've ever done for sex? For money? Have you ever had sex for money?
Slaus: LOL Oh snap! Good question! I've never fugged for money. Other than Ron Jeremy, who the hell is paying a fat man for dick? That's just un-American, unsavory, and foolish. Back in the day though, I did have my boys let the air out of a chicks tires, so she had to stay over for the night. The ass was terrible. I was ready to take my ass outside at 4am with a fuggin bike pump and a set of full lungs, to put the air in that heffas tires so she could bone the fugg out.
MsP: How many times have you been arrested again?
Slaus: Uhm my momma aint gonna read this right? Momma, take yo ass on and do something productive! Ok. Like 4 times. Inciting a riot, lewd behavior, fighting, contempt of court.
MsP: Inciting a riot!? Lewd behavior!? Care to explain? (See what had happened was)…
Slaus: Yeah for real lol. What had happened was.. me and my boys were down in Mardi gras and we wanted to get beads like the chicks were. SO we figured we’d take our jibbys out, and let the women play ring toss. Cops arrested us for lewd behavior. I don’t know if it was the fact that 5 dudes had their jibby’s out, or the fact that this guy Corey had some redhead taking a picture of herself holding his bead adorned dack. Either way, we got arrested. We got those beads tho.
MsP: Have you ever felt breasts that felt like bags of sand?
Slaus: I’m a boob man. I think I’ve groped everything from a barely A to an E-cup. Shyt I remember this one love whose boobs were so big, her bra was prolly made by NASA. Size: Secret F n shyt. Kind of boobies where if you were chest sexin, you were not going to see your jibby poke out the other end... fo reaaaaal. Ego crushin but fun. But bags of sand? Nawl...
MsP: Ok so, Aretha Franklin titties or Oprah's? Would you hit it? Fanger it? Where’s Nupe when you need him???
Slaus: LOL What up Anonymous Nupe! Fanga Bang Productions baby! For real though? I’d be a gay ass gay, before I touch Aretha. Hell, I wouldn’t even know what was tiddy and what was belly or back fat rolled to the front. Hell to the no. And I would be afraid to grope Oprah, because I’m not even sure that sista is a human. I bet when no one is looking, she peels off her flesh and then she appears as just a being of light n shyt, like cocoon. Heffa just levitate about her mansion glowing to all be damned, sounding like that skull head astronaut villain in Scooby doo: Wooowooowoowoowowowoo.
MsP: Would you ever do the Angry Pirate to a female?
Slaus: LOL Not nevah! I’m not doing anything to jeopardize getting a repeat performance of a great blow job. If the Lord invented anything better than the Blow Job, she hid that ish for herself. I LOVE HEAD! I can for go sex, if the head includes the grand finish. Head is to Slaus, and spinach is to Popeye.
MsP: You once told me about a dream your friend had where he was playing offense to R Jay in a game of basketball, naked and he kept blocking the ball with his d*ck. Have you ever had any dreams like that? Have you ever had any dreams that made you go Oh Hell Nawl?
Slaus: I once dreamed I was giving Sailor Moon anal. How's THAT for fucked up! Who does that!? I boolshyt you not. It wasn’t really Sailor Moon, but it was someone dressed up LIKE Sailor Moon. I’m into some kinky ass kinky shyt, but that was ignant..... Wanna (Slaus’ wife) and I will prolly act that shyt out though. We have no good sense.
MsP: If Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse were the last two women on earth, which one would you have sex with?
Slaus: Hmmm I ain’t into blondes, and I love pale chicks with black hair. But Britney got more meat on her bones.... damn.. that's a toss up. Either way I wouldn’t tell anyone, AND I’d have to clean my jibby in hot bleach, holy water and cleansing waters of Lake Minnetonka.
MsP: Btw, boxers or briefs?
Slaus: A Fat man aint supposed to wear briefs under ANY circumstance! If you catch my fat ass in some tighty whitey ass briefs, you can kick my ass. But then again the real question is.. why are you seeing me in my drawls in the first place girl! I'd have to say Boxer or Boxer briefs. I do have some tighties for emergencies though, aint gone lie.MsP: Well Slaus, that's about all the time I have with you. Any final thoughts before we wrap this thing up?
Slaus: Can I clone you when it's legal? Come onnn! Be a team player. All you need to know is your clone would prolly have to wear a Cheetara costume, and you can't have me arrested for whatever happens next. Clone's ain’t got rights. Seriously, thanks for having me here today baby girl! I usually don't comply with anything beige people ask of me, but you're aiight in my book. I won't even have you sent to the work camps when I’m ruler of the USA. Oh, and all of you folks out there need to read Oh Hell Nawl every damn day! And if that's too raunchy n ignant for you: just check in every week to Oh Hell Nawl and read the strips! Oh yeah, none of you heffas better try to come out the woodwork and say I’m the father of your baby neither. That's how episodes of CSI get started.
MsP: What this? You have something against us light people? Are you just mad because I have a better chance of being related to Obama??? Humpf, hater…
Slaus: Basically. That’s why I ain’t voting for Obama. I ain’t tryna allow the resurgence of the yellow negro, to happen under MY watch. Fugg.That. And besides, his lips dark as hale. How you gonna be that light but then have black ass black lips. Looking like the Crow n shyt. “ It can’t rain ALL the time!” Lol see.. saying shyt like that, is why I wouldn’t be friends with me. But nawl I love Beige people. Love my darkies to. I like everybody.
… but Dick Cheney.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Either the guys I date are getting dumber or…you know what, I’m not even going to finish that sentence.
A friend of mine keeps telling me that I have to kiss a lot of frogs before I find my prince. But gheezus, I’ve kissed the entire pond, licked a lily pad (ok that sounds just wrong), accidentally made out with a crawdad and wrestled an alligator. My lips are slimy, I’m wet, cold, tired, possibly infected and I just want to go home to my honey already.
Humphffffff. * Proceeds to push out bottom lip and pout *
So I met this guy during Thanksgiving weekend. He is my best friend’s, boyfriend’s childhood friend (if that makes any sense). We met and hit it off that night enjoying each other’s company. I gave him my number, but later discovered that he lived two hours away. He recently moved closer to home, but still not close enough for us to actually go out on a date. So we basically pillow talk and that’s about it.
Here is the 411 on this guy: He’s ridiculously good-looking, (half black, half Sicilian) tall, nice, fun to hang out with (we’ve actually only hung out twice). Here is the catch: He recently broke it off with his fiancé, leaving her and their house, moved back in with his parents to “get back on his feet” (which is the reason he moved closer to me). He also around the same time got a DUI and has no cell phone. Did I mention he’s a nice guy? I know, I know a sh*t load of red flags went up a long time ago, but I think I was bent over kissing a frog when they started flashing.
Anyway, one can only imagine my surprise yesterday when he called me to tell me his car, which he isn’t even supposed to be driving, got towed and he needs $230 to get it back. Um, let me rephrase that, he was wondering if I had $230 to “loan” him so he could get his car back. I’m sorry, the last time we kicked it did I have ATM stamped on my forehead? No, I didn’t.
WTF??? Why did he ask me? Things would be different if he was my man. Things might have even been different if we had, oh I don’t know, at some point in time broke bread together.
Oh and that’s not even the best part. Does anyone want to know why his car got towed? This fool went and parked in a handicap spot. *pause for dramatic affect* He made it way too easy for me to make a remedial joke on his behalf. I think he might just need one of those handicap stickers to put on his car.
Please tell me it gets better. Somebody. Anybody? See why I was contemplating lesbianism? Nupe you might just get your wish sooner than expected…
Monday, March 10, 2008
Karrie b. did it, Poca did it and the folks over at Oh Hell Nawl did it. So Goddamn it, I’m going to do it too!
Go ahead, since I’m not famous, ask me anything…
How did I become so cool?
How many times have I had sex with a midget?
Am I wearing panties?
Thursday, March 6, 2008
It’s official, I’m never trying out for American Idol. Not that I can sing anyway, but God forbid I make it to Hollywood and then pictures of me booty butt naked, on Santa’s lap, in Tijuana start circulating the internet.
I mean does it really make a difference that Idol contestant David Hernandez stripped at a club called D*cks before trying out for Idol? Funny, yes. Relevant, not really. I don’t even watch the show and I still heard about this guy shakin’ his d*ck, for d*cks at D*cks. (hee hee) I guess things would be different if he were to start taking off his clothes live on TV, because I would totally pop some popcorn and tune in, but to my knowledge he hasn’t done this (yet). It just sucks for him, because now he will forever be known as the “D*cks guy”. (hee hee) I would hate it if for every time someone said the word penis people were reminded of me. Almost like how we associate the word vagina with Britney.
I still don’t get why people want to be famous. Especially today when the paparazzi chase celebs down like they are cattle. I don’t know about you, but I think I could make it through my day without knowing where Angelina Jolie took a sh*t or which vein Amy Winehouse’s used to get off.
I guess some celebs are just asking for it like Michael Jackson who looks like my 3rd grade science project, R. Kelly, who needs to be given to charity, (can’t he spend a summer in Africa or something?) and Paris Hilton who doesn’t have any talent, has no choice. (Hey, what are you going to do when your sex tape sells more than your movie?)
The only the plus side of fame (besides the money and the booze) is that I might find some sh*t out about myself that even I didn’t know. I just hope I don’t have any kids, relatives in the Klu Klux Klan or ambiguous body parts. That would be devastating. If I was famous, it would be just my luck I pick a wedgie in public, someone snaps a picture and it gets printed in IN TOUCH magazine with the headline, “Ms Puddin’ Has A Hemorrhoid Infection”. Honestly, if you dug deep enough the most dirt you would get on me is that I fart a lot and I have side burns.
Would you want to be famous if the only catch was the world got access to your deepest darkest secret?
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I bet a lot of you have been wondering, what happened to Ms Puddin’? Where is she? Why hasn’t she been posting?! (Or not). Well I’ll tell you (anyway) where I’ve been. In the refrigerator! Goddamn birth control got me actin’ all kinds of crazy. Only plus side to the pill is I now officially have boobs...
However, every little thing has me nerve sensitive. The damn faucet in the bathroom that drips constantly has been driving me crazy, Tyra Banks (seriously, who gets that excited over Vaseline?), people who wear sweatshirts and flip-flops at the same time, the penis, the superficial inability for people to recognize our diminishing economy.
And it doesn’t help that lately people have been asking me stupid sh*t. I guess I’m one to talk since I often spend time looking for my phone while I’m on it. Although, is it really necessary for people to continue to ask me the same question over and over again, expecting I will eventually change my answer into the response they are looking for? If it’s a yes or no question and I’ve answered no, more than likely, the answer is no. *gasp* I got into it with a customer at my job the other day, (because of the answer no) over a freakin’ veggie burger…
Customer: “Do you have a veggie burger?”
MsP: “No, I’m sorry we don’t.”
Customer: “You don’t have a veggie burger?”
MsP: “Nope, we don’t.”
Customer: “You really don’t have a veggie burger?”
MsP: “I'm sorry sir, but if you think that if you keep asking me a rephrased version of your question, a veggie burger will magically appear on our menu, you are mistaken. However, we do have a great Asian salad.”
Isn’t “NO” the same in like three or four different languages?
Then, I don’t even know how we got on the subject the other day, but one of my male coworkers could not grasp the fact that I’d never had a d*ck in the booty.
Coworker: “You’ve never tried anal sex before?!”
MsP: “Nope, never.”
Coworker: “Never!? Not even once when you were drunk or high?”
MsP: * strange look * “Um, no.”
Coworker: “You’ve never experimented? Not even once.”
MsP: “No! Gheezus!”
Why is this so incredibly hard to digest? If I died tomorrow, I’m not going to think to myself, (while I’m sitting in hell sippin’ a margarita), “Man, I sure wish that I would have gotten a d*ck in the booty before I got hit by that bus.”
Life is already hard, let’s not make it any harder on ourselves people!
* Goes back to fondling newly grown titties *
Monday, March 3, 2008
The contest is over *whew, wipes brow *and I got a lot of great entries. As I flipped through the photos, I could hear AC/DC’s Highway to Hell blasting theme music in the background. This was definitely a competition. Ozzy would be proud.
I would like to thank everyone who participated. I had a great time finding these in my email and I'm sure everyone else will enjoy them too. You’re all awesome in my book! (Sh*t, I might even have to party with some of you in the future). So first off I’ll list the winners, since I know you are all anxious to see who won. Then, of course, I gotta go ahead and bust people out.
However, I think the pictures pretty much speak for themselves…
Babyface came hard with this one and won The Rocker Challenge. I’m not going to lie, he’s got some Ty-Kwon-Do-rock-out-with-your-cock-out sh*t goin’ on here. I’m impressed. Not sure if he is going to kick my ass or lick one side of my face.
1st place: I got to hand it to Lady Dreamer, home girl had the hair did, nails did and a cute ass top as she rocked it!
2nd place: Poca, Poca, Poca, * tear * I’m so proud, I taught you well…
3rd place: I’m not gonna lie, Bef scared the sh*t out of me, but I love it. I felt like I was back in the 80’s running around backstage at a rock concert, naked, when I got her photo…
Those were the winners! Congrats! However, it wouldn't be a contest if we didn't get to see all the excess craziness...
Apparently we also had a reptilian contest going on, according to Slaus, as Eb the Celeb and anonymousnupe battled it out for longest tongue…
Wanna has a nice air guitar goin’ on… damn guitar hero * shakes head *
Now some of y'all sent in your super cute ass kids, because you know MsP is a sucka for cute kids and sh*t! So there were two kiddie rockers… Lady Shay’s daughter...
...and lil miss Jaden...
That Saddity Chic and her dad rocked it…
Baby Kiki rocked it…
Amboogie rocked/laughed it out…
Mista swag rocked it… (ladies please note the pearly whites) ;p
Umm, not quite sure what So@24 was up too, but I like it!
The ladies over at Bloggers Delight and suite b rocked it…
J aka Senior Beige rocked it…
DMario had me rollin’, he definitely rocked it!
Jami, went to the club with some friends and rocked it…
LeonB rocked it…
...and karrie b was just dancin’, dancin’, dancin’…
slaus rocked it out...
I would like to give a special thanks to a Mr. Slausin Ass Slaus, from over at Oh Hell Nawl, for his two cents and other various contributions. I present you with a giant cyber hug...
Thanks again to everyone who sent in photos! You all ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!