I Died

I hate to see Heidi cry, again, but obviously this blog has no more life to it. I've moved on and over to tumblr. I still don't really know how to work the damn thing, but if any of you are interested in some short stories on my life about alcohol and regret, here's the link...

If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It

In a recent interview Heidi Montag told Extra that she wanted to make her boobs a size ‘H’ for Heidi. This was surprising to me, only because I wasn’t aware Heidi was up to the letter ‘H’ in the alphabet.

Heidi, who is only 23, is already a triple D after her second breast augmentation. And I’m guessing those breasts don’t feel nothing like sand. Nor do they feel like juicy clumps of fat as God intended.

By now I’m sure the news of Heidi’s interview with People Magazine on her 10 hour plastic surgery procedure has been well spread. If not, recent photos of Heidi should suffice. She looks like a young Donatella Versace blow up doll. Don’t stand too close folks she might be exuding her toxins.

Yikes is right.

Bitch if you need 10 hours of cosmetic surgery to fix things just give up. Find something more satiable in your life besides your looks. Even her douche of a husband Spencer Pratt tried to talk her out of it beforehand. He suggested she might need therapy and thought she was losing her mind to go through with it.

I always joke around about getting my boobs blown up, but I think if it came down to it and I had the opportunity I’d pass it up. Although if they can find a way to make my big toe smaller so the nail lady doesn’t gawk at it when I get a pedicure, that would be nice…

If you could get work done, would you? Or have you and for what reason?

An open letter to Heidi Montag

Heidi,

I’m writing because I just watched your first music video Higher. Why? I have NO idea.

It makes a significant amount of sense that your douche fiancé Spencer Pratt directed that hot mess. See the problem is I was watching it and I couldn’t grasp the message you were trying portray through your music. Anorexia? Stupidity? Plastic surgery? What happens when you focus on becoming famous with no talent instead of getting an education?

Then it hit me!

As I watched you spin around, your unnatural titties cascading from the sides of your bikini, your wispy voice giving me a headache, there is no point to your music video, your song Higher or you for that matter. So sad. :(

So basically this is a request for you to please stop making music, forever. I think it is time you found something more productive to do with your life. Maybe you should invest in some new hobbies like, finding your local library and picking up a book, going shopping for a shirt that covers up both of your titties or jumping off a bridge. Just a few suggestions…

Anyhoo…thanks for your time. I’m sure your attention span is short and you only caught the first two lines of this letter, but that’s okay, I’ll try and translate it for you…

Smooches,

Ms Puddin’

*Today is the big day, may the best wo/man win…;p