F*ck Me and Tell Your Friends

Guest Writer: Bob and His Penis



It was my senior year in college, and I was living the good life. I’m active in my fraternity, my grades are good, I live comfortably, and the party life yielded its ultimate reward; pussy. I was getting so much ass, never did I have a need to masturbate.

If I wanted head, I called the knob slobber. If I wanted a fat ass, I called thick ems. And if I wanted lovin, I called the pseudo wifey. Or, I could go diving into the pool of groupies, closet freaks, lesbians, and big and tasties (I sorta have a fat fetish. Dunno why, just do)

To continue on, it was around 2 AM a couple days before my 22^nd birthday. I was a computer science major, so I was up doing programming homework and playing Call of Duty on my PC. Ring Ring Ring…

Me: “Hey Susan* wassup”

Susan: “My homegirl wants to fuck you and have a threesome. You down?”

Me: “Very funny Susan. Tell Janet* I said hi, and I’m going to finish my work” click

Ring Ring Ring…

Me: “Yessss Susan?” I’m irritated now. Doesn’t she know that this game is important? That my homework is due at 11 the next morning?

Susan: “Why’d you hang up? We’re serious. You want some pussy or not?”

Here we go! I thought. She’s either playing or serious. Either way, I win (I was currently sleeping with Susan on a regular basis. She was the pseudo wifey)

Me: “Sure Susan. Be here in 10 minutes or I’m going to sleep.” -Reality being I would probably stay up for another hour, roam the halls, and look for someone to “chill with” aka bone and grope. Susan and Janet showed up in 6 minutes.

We have some cordial conversation, joke about parties and school, and then go to the bedroom. I take off Susan’s clothes first, trying to gauge Janet’s reactions. She takes my bottle of E&J out the fridge, says “ummmm, can we take some shots horny bastards?” We laugh, take a couple of shots, and everyone gets naked.

I tell Janet that she has to prove she’s not playing by stepping up to the mic (yes it was wack. So shoot me, let’s see how smooth you are with shots of E&J in your system.) Janet starts giving me head. Susan moves Janet to the side, and joins her. For the first time in my life, I am living my imaginary porno; two girls giving me head at once. I feel myself about to nut so move away to compose myself.

I go to my drawer to put on a condom, so my back is turned to the girls. When I turn around, Janet is eating Susan’s pussy on the bed. I start cheesing, creep behind Janet, look Susan in the eye (she smirks) and stick my dick in Janet, who immediately places her hand on my stomach. I start slowly at first, but the liquor and excitement has me on retard mode, so I'm eventually thrusting like a mad man. I’m fucking hard and fast like a man possessed by demons and the finest of the finest crack cocaine. Janet stops slurping, starts moaning, then starts yelling “fuck me nigga! You better not get soft! Fuck me nigga! Get that pussy!”

Now I’ve been with aggressive women. But two aggressive women goes from excitement to well, fear after too much aggression. Throughout the night (it’s a blur after the aforementioned moments) I’m eating two girls out at once, licking toes, getting every fluid possible on either my groin and my face, and eventually picking up Janet, putting her on my shoulders, and slurping like a pothead with cotton mouth. I nutted 3 times and passed out.

I dunno what it’s called when everyone is giving and getting oral, but I do know that it felt good (except for getting sprayed with female ejaculate on my nose. Maybe I should listen when a woman is trying to move away while I’m eating her out. Fuck it, I liked it. Yes, I am a nasty man.)

We all pass out on my bed around 4(it’s a supertwin. Not too much room, thank goodness they weren’t big and tasties. Susan was a thickem though.). The girls leave my dorm room around 5. The next morning, everyone in operations research asked me how my threesome was the night before; Janet spent the entire morning telling everyone that she had a threesome with Bob the Alpha the night before.

Would you still hit it, again?

Well I came over to my boyfriend’s house the other day, (yes I have a boyfriend) and he nonchalantly had a porno playing on the TV. It wasn’t a plastic titty DVD with bleach blondes, big fake boobies and airbrushed booty. It was one of those real raunchy pornos where the viewer can see the chick’s razor bumps on her cooch during the penetration close-ups.

“Why are you watching a porno right now,” I asked. “And why this nasty one?”

“Oh my boy let me borrow it, I was just checking it out,” he replied. “I’m not really paying attention.”

Oh.

I was silent for a moment as I checked out the porn. Some perverted looking white guy was eating out this fat black chick’s pussi.

At least it was embracing biracial relationships.

“I’m sorry, but that chick is gross,” I said.

“Why,” he asked.

I don’t know, she just is,” I said, making a face, before asking the inevitable, “Would you have sex with her?”

“Ummmm, yes,” he said turning his head from left to right looking at her intently. “You will be surprised to find out, my dear, who a man will have sex with.”

Then he went on to tell me that given the opportunity he would have sex with Omarosa, Whoopi Goldberg, Star Jones (before and after surgery) and Paris Hilton. Thus opening the door to one of my most infamous debates, would you still hit it???

Usually for the fellas, but ladies feel free to toss in your oh so necessary two cents, because you know we always do…

Fellas, would you have sex with Oprah if she was broke? Doesn’t matter bigger or smaller, without money is Oprah still f*ckable?

What about Octo-pussi Nadya Suleman? Sure she might have a gaping vagina, jumbo sized stretch marks, be able to make her nipples hard with her knees and even attempt to pull off the condom during sex, but she looks like she can give a mean blow job...

And if the rumors are true and Rihanna did give Chris Brown herpes or the clap, does her sex appeal override the possibility of attracting a life long std???

MISSING VAGINA

Dear readers,

My vagina has recently packed up and bounced out. So if you see her on I-90 with a suitcase full of lube, condoms and birth control, can you please call me at 1-800-GET-LAID?

Thanks,

MsP

Fresh Sealed Eye Candy To Go, Please

Ok kids, never eat candy and then masturbate. Side cramp. Ouch.
Wait, what? Yeah I said it.

You know I’m really trying hard not be one of those girls who had a bad break with the penis and becomes really bitter. And then today my coworker took his wedding ring off and asked me out to dinner. Really? I can still see your tan line homie. Do I look that stupid? Desperate? Maybe. I woke up this morning cuddling with my laptop. How romantic, I know, right?

It just sucks because before my ex I was a fucking pimp. A P-I-M-P. I’m serious. I had hooooosss. Same area codes, but they were there nonetheless. There was always a guy on call good for something. And now my status is so dried up it’s going to take a spatula and some baby oil to get this girl in gear again.

However, I did meet this guy out on the town with the girls over the summer. He gave me his card and I’ve been emailing him, to kind of show him I’m not that interested. The catch is that he is older, but he does own a casino, btw. Apparently, he came into my job the other day when I wasn’t there and was asking about me.

Hmmm, what say you????

Reason #4,153 Why I Don't Cuddle

Ok I was checking out -1-’s blog over the weekend and she had posted a clip from the Queens of Comedy with Sommore. Her nasty ass was talkin’ sh*t about the penis (of course), but not just any penis, little penis. She was commenting on why guys with little d*cks act surprised when you get to that part, like they just found out it was little too.

I was busting up, because this has happened to me before. I mean, I must say I’ve been pretty blessed for what I’ve been given in the penis-packaging department. The few * ahem * yes few, (looks over shoulder) I’ve seen have been worth my while, but there was this one. Yes, this one penis that made me mad. Well not so much as mad, just confused as hell…

It was like my sophomore year of college. I met this tall, sweet, handsome-chocolate-martini kind of guy. Bonus, he was also a Q, but he was different then all the other Qs. He wasn’t trying to dawg me out. I could just tell by the way he treated me. We spent a lot of time together and on the phone. It finally came time for me to make him mine. I was juiced. Ms Puddin’ was going to get her some chocolate, Q, lovin’! Oh yes!

So we got all into the moment, rollin’ around on my bed, kissing, caressing, and all that good stuff. When I reached down and wrapped my hand around what felt like my own index finger! WTF? I was so disappointed I pushed him off me, rolled over and went to sleep. I didn’t say anything. I spent the rest of the night with that little penis fingering my back. (Maybe that’s why I don’t like cuddling. I’m traumatized).

I’m sorry, but WOW. Some things I can work with don’t get me wrong. And I'm not one of those girls that needs a mandingo, but that has got to be…don’t want, don’t want, don’t want…lol

Sorry guys. Ladies? I know I am not the only one…

Women are complicated and men are horny 101

Some more information passed onto me from g-sweet. Thanks homie. ;p

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

.....

*A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

In the meantime...

I guess since there are a few stragglers in the competition, I’m going to go ahead and hold off on the judging. I wasn’t planning on posting until then, so in the meantime, she’s f*cking Matt Damon...



...and he’s f*ckng Ben Affleck...

The Angry Pirate

While I’m on the topic of supermanning hos, I have to go ahead and ask a question…

Fellas, I might seem a little bitter if you have been keeping up with my posts on the penis, but work with me here. Y’all do some stoopid sh*t. I’ll admit, us women might do some crazy sh*t, like pop up out of your bushes, sporting a wonder women costume, singing in a whiny ass voice Keith Sweat’s “Twisted”, (not that I have ever done that before) but at some point we have already established, good d*ck = a crazy ass b*tch.

So anyway, I’m at my friend’s house the other night and she has six male roommates, whom are all powered by the penis (men). One of the guys, Big M, was chillin’ with us in the living room, when I turned to the two of them and said, “I’m sorry but I have really bad gas.”

Big M gives me this look like I’m crazy. (I’ve only met him like twice, but whatever, it was a fair warning, right?) We all started laughing and he starts talking about how girl farts actually smell worse because they are so backed up from holding them in.

“I’ve never had a girl I’ve dated actually fart in front of me,” he said. Then he went on to describe how “perfect” his girlfriends have to be.

“One time I walked out on this girl right before we were about to have sex, because she had hair on her boobs,” he said. “It was like long and curly, like a pig’s tail. I just couldn’t do it.”

His comment switched our topic of conversation to sex (of course) and me telling them the true definition of supermanning a ho. And then Big M is like, “oh yeah, well have you ever heard of an angry pirate?”

“No,” I said, not quite sure if I really wanted to know what it was.

“It’s when a girl is going down on you and you’re about to cum, so you pull out and nut in her eye,” he said. “Then you kick her in the shin.”

He proceeded to stand up covering one eye with his hand while hopping up and down on one foot. “See, get it? She’s an angry pirate.”

Wait, hold up, just stop right there! So my question is, man you just nutted in my eye, why you also gotta kick me? Honestly, is that really necessary? I’m already mad I got juice in my face, but you gonna kick me in my shin???

See, get it? The penis is stoopid…

The Chick Who Offended My Vagina

Remember before the holiday when I got all mushy talking about a potential bisexual experience? Well the b*tch never called me. So all my curiosity about eating box flew right out the window.

Then similar to the time I had one too many vodka cranberries in a karaoke bar, ya know, the place where the fat guy slouched over the bar for half the night, suddenly gets up and feels the need sing ten Nickleback songs in a row? Yeah, that place. The same karaoke bar where I met (stumbled upon) a guy who later turned me into a pretzel and stuck random gardening tools up my ass. (Don’t tell me this hasn’t happened to anyone else before)…Well like I was saying, the chances of reenacting that experience is parallel to the fact that I bumped into the same chick at the bar Saturday night.

Coincidence? Maybe. Small world? I think not. Me drunk again? Yes, of course.

Let me just say for the record I was on fire that night. I had guys whispering things in my ear like, “Let me buy you two drinks” and “I like your weave” all night. I didn’t get any numbers, but I did get a couple of room keys. Wait a minute, now I get it. Damn. Ok so what I was dressed like a hooker at a pimp convention on 5th street and I watch enough TMZ to know how to correctly flash my vagina. (Thanks Britney!)

Anyway, the chick that hit on me a couple weeks ago was there and she was all up in my ass. No you sick people! Not literally in my ass, she was just jockin’ the goods. She kept trying to dance and rub up on me, while whispering in my ear, “damn girl your bad, your bad.” I’m sorry just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean anything. You got my number and you didn’t call, so stop rubbing up on me. I’m going to treat you like any other man. I demand an explanation! I’m a catch b*tch!

So she starts telling me her see-what-had-happened-was story about how she didn’t want to scare me, blah, blah, blah something about how amazing I am, blah, blah, blah. I know, I know, get to the point. Basically there was no point, so I brushed her off and she spent the rest of the night stalking me. Relentlessly trying to get me into the bathroom so we could make out.

No, I didn't go! It takes three not two drinks to get my shirt off and my tongue out.

At the end of the night she found me again only to remind me that she still had my number and this time she was going to call. I’m so sure and Ms Puddin’ has had gardening tools up her ass before, gah! It doesn't matter if she calls or not, I'm over it. I think I was just caught up in the moment.

So much for the vagina, it's back to the penis...

I Dream of Weenie

I had a sex dream the other night.

It was with one of my male readers, whom I have never met. (Sorry, but no Slaus it wasn’t you). I’ll try to detail it, although describing a dream is like trying to explain the plot of a movie in Spanish, to someone who only speaks Chinese.

A dream only makes sense in the dreamer’s mind.

In short, the whole dream was one big gigantic orgasm. I just remember floating, like I was in heaven. There wasn’t any dialogue, just some moaning sound effects and a real blurry visual. I don’t even know if homeboy was packin’ or not. It wasn’t a freak nasty dream. It was all mentally stimulated and happened in slow motion. Ha, it was a sexual seduction...



Anyway, I’m not complaining, but it was weird. Having a random-sex-with-a-stranger-dream is creepy in more ways than one. Not only does this mean that I need to get laid and I blog way too much, but it was the best sex I’ve ever had. (I woke up sweating and I needed a cigarette). My intuition after this encounter is so sad. I have better sex with myself in my mind then I do in real life with another person. However, on the plus side, at least I can’t get pregnant having a random-sex-with-a-stranger-dream.

Now enough posts about sex. I don’t want this blog to turn into a place where people come to get a load off. Unless I’m getting paid, of course. Then I’ll talk dirty…

Would you still hit it?

On my last post I displayed a photo of Angel’s booty. A booty that should be in a museum or have a special toilet made for it or something. Just unnecessary junk and of course Slaus said, “I’d hit it tho.”

I find this funny, because I am always hearing my guy friends talkin’ shit about this chick or that chick in mainstream media. However, after they get through expressing unlimited reasons why a chick is so repulsive, the end result is always, “I’d still hit it.”

So I guess this post is mainly for my male readers, but ladies, feel free to drop one in if necessary. The question today is would you still hit it?

“Superhead” aka Karrine Steffans is known for writing a book about how she f*cked her way to the top. She is currently in the process of releasing another book about more dudes she did the nasty with. Her book, supposedly, is a message for women about how men are scumbags and life ain’t easy.

Well no sh*t. I didn’t have to f*ck 50 Cent and his posse to figure that one out. Thanks “Superhead” you really are a gem. And to all the guys out there, um hello! If she is having sex with you please believe she is going to put you on blast! But, they don’t call her “Superhead” for nothing, so would you still hit it?

“New York”, aka Tiffany, shot to fame from the popular VH1 hit “Flava of Love”, which gave her a name and the “I Love New York” show. I just don't get why anyone would want to fall in love with the Queen of drag. Fellas, if the facts are that the b*tch and her mama are both crazy is not enough to have you running in the other direction, maybe the idea that she let Flava Flava d*ck her down. Would you still hit it?

I guess putting Britney in this list is kind of pushing it, but we’ve all seen her vagina. So basically having seen the merchandise you are one step up. Would you still hit it?

Last but not least, I gotta add Kim Kardashian to this list. I must admit Kim is a gorgeous young lady, however she is not the brightest crayon in the box. She had sex with Brandy’s little brother Ray J and videotaped it. Kim, I know you are best friends with Paris, but the sex tape idea is played. It’s so not hot.

I love how after she made the tape she posed nude for Playboy and tried to justify her in discrepancies. Saying something about how she didn’t want people to get the wrong idea about her. I’m sorry what were you saying Kim? I was too distracted by your naked vagina. So tell me, would you still hit it?

Ms Puddin Gets Fucked

Ok I gave the link to this blog out to too many people I know. When I'm going about my day I always get a phone call or someone coming up to me like, "Hay Ms Puddin', I just got finished reading about the time you got freaky with a one-legged midget, some whipped cream and a strobe light."

"Wait. What? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I can explain."

I can't write about anything anymore. There are no more juicy stories about sex or dumpster babies, because I'm afraid somebody might turn me in. It sucks. I mean, I guess I don't mind people coming up to me, but I'd prefer it was to offer me a suggestion on where to find my panties, without judging on how I lost them.

So I am going to tell a sex story right now, but for my reputation's sake, lets pretend it happened a long time ago. In fact, let's just say I am still a virgin. I'm a virgin telling a sex story that happened a long, long,long time ago.

Ok great, glad we got that out the way. Now I can go ahead and say I'm good in bed. Honestly, the one-legged midget didn't have any complaints. So you can understand how surprised I was when I was having sex with an ex (of a long, long, long) time ago, who fell asleep when I was on top!

He did mention before we started getting it on he was drunk, tired and just wanted to go to sleep. But of course I ignored him. I busted out my whips, chains and started going all Kim Kardashian on his ass. He was good for about ten minutes, making some strange gurgling noises. Then all of a sudden he sounded like a fat man enjoying a pretzel. He started snoring! Are you serious!? I must of slapped the sh*t out of him!

"Wake up!" I yelled. His eyes popped open and he looked around, startled. "My bad babe," he said.

Yeah your bad. I had better sex with the one-legged midget and disco bal--I mean strobe light...

Happy Hump Day!!

The Moral of Porn

I was chatting with my guy friend today. He was informing me on how his new porn collection had just come in the mail.

“Porn is like a good action movie,” he said. “You can only watch it a couple of times, because once you know what’s going to happen, it’s not exciting anymore.”

I asked him if I could borrow a copy of his new porn.
“Not until I watch them first,” he said. “I get the first date with my new porn.” Um, ok. Fair enough.

I read in Cosmopolitan that guys masturbate A LOT. I mean women flick their bean occasionally, but guys jack off like their penis signed up for an intensive aerobics class.

I personally don’t mind porn. I watch it sometimes, but I am THE worst person to watch it with. I once dated a guy and we would watch porn together. I remember watching a porno with him one night, which killed any future opportunity of us watching it together again. I forgot what the porn was titled, but I'll make something up to help paint the picture. I'll call it, "The Punani Party."

The “storyline” of the poon, was about a couple of hot (airbrushed and plastic) chicks who get invited to a house "party". When they get to this party they end up being the only two chicks who show up. (How original). So the two hot chicks are chillin' at this so called party with the two guys who threw the party. Eventually one guys leads one chick onto the couch, while the other guy takes the other girl upstairs. (Didn't see that one coming). One thing leads to another and well, um, yeah, soon everyone is doing the nasty.

However, the whole time we are watching the porn I’m lying in the bed asking a million questions like, “didn’t she have a purse when she first walked in? Where did her purse go? Why are they the only ones who showed up anyway, shouldn’t there be more people if it’s a party?”

Meanwhile, the guy I’m dating is getting frustrated, because I'm totally killing the mood. And starts yelling at me, (well not literally yelling, because he still wants to get laid).

“It’s a porn!" he said. "The point is they have sex! Stop over analyzing it. They are at the party to have sex!”

Oooooooh, that’s right. They are at the party to have sex. Ah that makes so much more sense now. Not only is this film low budget, but it was directed by another man’s penis. Gotcha.

The moral of the story? I shouldn't watch porn.

The End.

Am I Over Anal-lyzing?

“It’s only kinky the first time.”

I don’t know how many times a man has offered me the glorious opportunity to engage in some sexual anal action. I’ve lost track of how many times a man has whispered the romantic words, “let me put it in your butt” in my ear, but if I had a dollar for every time, I would be a rich woman. As many times as I get asked for some anal action, if I were to actually participate, my ass would be red and swollen. Similar to Miss South Carolina’s (such as) face when she crawled off stage.

Having never tried it, at this point I would rather lick the jam from in between a fat man’s toes than have a man stick his d*ck in my butt for some “sexual stimulation”. In fact, a man who wants to stick it in my butt, I’d question his sexuality. Go to the jailhouse and hit on the first man you see with a twinkle in his eye for all that nonsense.

I’m sorry to be such a debbie, but anal just doesn’t appeal to me. I mean if do get married I would most likely experiment with my husband. However, key words: IF I GET MARRIED shouldn’t be taken lightly.

I just don’t get it. I can’t imagine sticking anything in a hole that was designed for stuff to come out of. Why can’t a man just be satisfied with a BJ, some reverse cowgirl or something? Isn’t one hole enough? I mean you can stick it in my ear if you really want to. Maybe rub your d*ck in the crease where my knee bends, or something, that might do it. We can get creative. I’m open for suggestions. And no matter how unappealing anal sounds, I have also heard a few horror stories as proof to why it is not the best idea in the Kama Sutra.

Scenario 1) I once heard of this girl who let her man do her in the butt and she had chronic diarrhea for a week. Scenario 2) I also heard from friend, of a friend, of a friend that her man stuck it in her butt and it ripped all the skin from her vagina to her butt hole. She ended up screaming and hollering all the way into the emergency room, her boyfriend walking sheepishly behind her.

“They didn’t know what they were doing,” said a guy friend of mine. “You just can’t ram it in there. You have to get lots of lube and ease it in with care.”

Oh no. I’m not falling for that one again. What do I look like? A young, sweet, innocent and naïve girl who could easily be taken advantage of? I got the same justification about the first hole and I still have to remind guys this isn't a pussi marathon. Slow down! So there is no way I'm going to believe all that mumbo jumbo about the second hole being a piece of cake.

And what if his d*ck is as big as ManDingo? Then what? I'll be waddling around like a duck split in two pieces (places). I don't know what scares me more about the back door, not having tried it or the fact that everyone tells me once I try it I'm going to love it. And like I said before I'm down to try new things, but I don't want my curiosity to get the best of me.

Omg. All this over anal-lyzing is giving me a headache...

Hypothetical Situation

If the moment presented itself, would you rather...

Have sex with this model...?

Or a group session with Monique's dance team...?

six-foot long closed legs don't get fed

"Make that money girl, don't let it make you." -The Players Club, 1998.

The top two professions that women make more money than men are: the adult entertainment industry and high fashion modeling. My women's studies professor informed students during lecture in February.

Arguably, I wouldn't put this revelation past her.

It's no secret that a woman's sexuality can sell just about anything, even TrimSpa baby! (R.I.P. Anna Nicole Smith; glad they found a destination for her corpse and her baby daddy).



And wasn't it rapper Kanye West, who said during an interview for Essence Magazine in 2006, good thing for multi-ethnic girls, or else who would we get to dance in our music videos?

It is widely debatable, but the porn industry falls somewhere between a $1 billion and $14 billion industry.

In an article by Pamela White for Boulder Weekly, called "A Matter of Taste," White interviewed Julian Rios a male porn star who makes $100,000 a year.
Rios said that predominantly the adult entertainment industry's audience is male, but the women sell the product and make the money.

Hoover's, a company that provides business information online reported that Jenna Jameson, a popular figure in the adult entertainment industry, made $30 million in sales in 2005 for her entertainment management company, Club Jenna.

Rios said that although men do most of the work in the industry, women make more money.

Rios also added that he's had chlamydia twice and gonorrhea once.

On that note, lets explore the modeling industry. The lives of stick figured women who indulge in grapes and laxatives while stumbling down the runway creating poor stereotypes of women.

These days top models aren't even healthy enough to strut their stuff to the end of the runway to strike a pose.

22-year-old Uruguayan model Luisel Ramos died in August of 2006, during Fashion Week in Montevideo after reportedly going several days without eating.





I'm wondering, at what point between Monday and the catwalk should the thought have occurred to her to have a sandwich? A chicken wing? A mint, perhaps?


In 2006, Ana Carolina Reston, a Brazilian model died at the age of 21 because of her struggle with the disease anorexia nervosa. Reston was 5-foot-8-inches tall and weighed 88 pounds when she died. She reportedly was on a diet of only apples and tomatoes.


The things we do for money…




According to Web sites http://www.fashionschools.com/ and http://www.modeladvice.com/, top glamour super models get paid $10,000 a gig and can make up to $150,000 in a year, or more.

Education not required.

Well this is encouraging, if this writing thing doesn't work out, at least now I know I have options.

It's a shame that in 2007 women, on an average, still only make 75 cents to every man's dollar, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

The two clumps of fat that women stuff into their brassiere every morning is not enough to fill the wage gap. However, it is enough to fill out an application for Hooters.

On Feb. 12, 2007, Asmita Prasad posted a blog on http://www.womenlifestyle.com/ that reported the salaries of college-educated have increased - up by 34.4 percent since 1974 in comparison to 21.7 percent for male graduates - according to Catalyst, a New York-based research group.

In the age group of 20 to 30-somethings, women hold more college degrees than men.

Women also dominated the more lucrative professional courses making up more than half of the student population in medical and law courses.

So ladies, there is progress being made. And while a career in porn is probably a good way to get into shape to walk the runway, we have so much more to offer.

A Sex 22

"The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... I can resist everything but temptation." -Oscar Wilde


So it’s official.
I’m a hussy.

I’m the other woman that is screwing your man on the glass table in your dining room. I was enjoying it too. Until I realized I would be stigmatized for the late night phone calls, the expensive dinners and receiving great head. I prefer to keep my sexcapades with men that don’t have someone bitching in their ear or potentially me.


I don’t think that my immorality is entirely my fault either. I plead guilty.

I mean if you take an oath with God, yourself, or your wife and have filled out the paperwork of commitment, shouldn't your fidelity be guaranteed? I’m not saying all men are cheaters. Although, with my luck and this particular experience, married guy had the audacity to go out of his way to meet me.

I fell for the sweet lines, guilty pleasures and missed the fact that he was not wearing a wedding ring. Then one random day over breakfast married guy casually tosses in the fact that he’s tied down with a wife and a mortgage.

I mean wtf!!??? “Oh by the way would you be mad if I was married?” doesn’t exactly go well with bacon and eggs.

There was a bad taste in my mouth when he told me. I guess my red sanity flag should have gone up when I was invited over and exposed to white walls, instead of photos framing portraits of family and friends. I visualized the places married guy and I had become one in his condo. The intimate shower romp, the rug burns from the carpet, the knotted-up sweaty bed sheets. I remembered how I would lick the juices from his lips after he’d tasted me and him cuming all over my back whispering praises in my ear.

Married guy then tells me (after ruining a perfectly good breakfast) that he just wanted to see if he “still had it”.

Still had what exactly? I guess he wanted to see if he had the ability to screw me from behind and her in the heart. And in the midst of everything blaming me for making a big deal out of the situation.

You have got to be kidding me!!!

It’s like I have a big stamp on my forehead or a flashing neon sign on my back. (OK this is turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy). I mean don’t get me wrong, I actually enjoy being single. However, I for sure don’t want to see my future as the innocent housewife wearing Steve Maddens instead of Manolo Blahniks.

Men are either bad boys or too damn nice.
Can there not be an in between guy. I want to meet my in between guy. One who makes my toes curl, who is soft on the inside and rough on the outside. I want him to come with a big f*cking bow wrapped around his mouth, so I don’t have to listen to his bullsh*t.

Is that too much to ask? Can’t we compromise? Can he be physically and emotionally available? Baggage free, so that I can enjoy the sex, without thinking of his wife crying in the back of my mind, because someone else is sitting on her man’s dick.

Some men are just greedy. They want their cake and they want to eat you too. Married guy was persistent in his search for the perfect sexual fantasy affair.

"Can we at least be friends, " he asked.

"Sure," I said. "Why don't you, me and your wife go out to lunch sometime and talk about the gorgeous view from your balcony."

The affair fizzled, soon after his lame requests. There is nothing sexy about dating a married man. Nothing.