All the things that Tiger did wrong: A guide to pimping hoes and being a billionaire without getting caught up...

...And not ending up killed by a crazy bitch you gave the A++ Dick game too. Which is a no no. Why you giving A++ Dick away all willy nilly? That shit is reserved for Christmas, Anniversary, and Festivus boo boo.

We all know everyone has a freaky side. Of course it's usually the ones we least expect it from who have a whole closet full of freak ass freak in them. Although it’s still hard to imagine Tiger Woods (of all people) saying, "I want to f*ck the shyt out of you, you dirty whore nigga lovin bitch. You want this Tiger dack down your throat? A healthy dosage of Tiger uppercut?", he sort of did. Kinky.

All professional athletes have hoes. Even Kobe has bitches. He just has smarter ones (with ID) under contract to shut them the f*ck up. Marrying a million dollar man, extra pussy is definitely and more than likely included. Does Kool-Aid need sugar? Thought so.

A bitch on the side will get everything her heart desires. She just has to work on two things: A quick kneel and silence. It's all about balancing and stabilizing the pussy on the side so there isn't any confusion or swinging gold clubs.

First of all, call your hoes through a burner (temporary, pre-paid cell phone for the urban illiterate) and never leave voicemails. The whole voicemail situation is baffling anyway. Where in the game do you wait for your hoes to call back? Exactly.

Messing with white crazy women will always get you in trouble. Invariably use black or minoritybroke or bougie women and keep them on payroll in order to keep the peace. Don't forget to change your number every couple months and have a rotation of five hoes every two months, only keeping one as your bottom bitch. Never, ever say, "I love you." Bottom line, don't get attached or catch feelings playa.

Throw lavish parties and invite your hoes. This ensures they sleep with other men you know and takes the heat off of you. Know when to cut contact for a few months ignoring hoes and keep the wife satisfied. One major thing Tiger made the mistake of was lying. You can't lie to women. If Elin is that naive of a woman he should have told her from the jump.

And last but not least do not get killed by your side piece or main lady!!!! NO! DO NOT DO IT! IT MAKES NO SENSE FOR THESE WOMEN TO LEAVE YOU SLUMPED AND LUMPED IN A CORNER!!!

Chris Henry

“Fell” from the back of a pickup truck, killed by fiancé. Why did you jump in the Truck Chris? We know you got ups, but you argued with the WRONG one. Let her drive off, she’ll come back…you got money.

Steve McNair

Shot in the face by side piece. Why did you have a piece around your side piece Steve? Always strapped is a song, not a real lifestyle Steve. Plaxico went to jail. You got shot in the face. They getting rid of you nigras one by one in the NFL.

Arturo “Thunder” Gatti

“Hung himself” after an “altercation” with his wife. Police let her go. Why? Cause she was smarter than you Thunder. Shoulda used that thunder down under to subdue a bitch but noooooooooooooooooooo you snapped your own damn neck...

Playas, please have an entourage. I know pro ballers are dumb, but where are the nigra posses? Where is that illicit friend known for getting hoes in and out? See above all the advice given, get you some hanger-on’s that know how and when to do the things you should but can’t do because of endorsements and your squeaky clean image. Every good girl has a whore friend. Every nerd has a bad ass gangstalicious cousin. What happened to Tiger’s? Kobe’s? Shaq’s?

This is in no way advocating that people cheat or have extramarital affairs. Nope, not going down that road. You signed that dotted line, gave away your right to fuck random broads (except for Will and Jada. Weirdos, but smart.), tough it out anti-playa. But please be smart Mr. or Ms. pro athlete/rapper/local celebrity/lime-light. Because we will laugh at you. We’ll mourn you, but we’ll laugh. Trust.

In conclusion, there isn’t any true way to handle side pieces/jump offs/hoes/bitches/i.e. f*ck buddy. You can have an extra bff, string along Stedman, and let everyone believe that you’re bi. Or maybe, just maybe, be faithful to your wife/husband. Cuz Lord knows we need more of Ozzie Davis and Ruby Dee and less of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.

This post was written by MsPuddin, inspired by the thoughts of Rob Holliday (B.K.A rmhoffa, but uses his legal name since he’s on a radio show and HAD to put his freakin link right here.) You can also find it here, along with some more ignant shyt.

DIVAS

I’ve noticed VH1 has been bringing back some of their classic shows like Behind the Music and DIVAS. I was definitely excited to hear that DIVAS was coming back this year. Remember the old school DIVAS, Whitney, Aretha, Mariah, Celine, Diana, Shaka, etc? There was nothing like some top selling female artists, with the biggest hair ever, trying to out sing each other.

It would start with Mariah singing, “I’m every womaaaaan!”

Then in comes Whitney, “No girl, nah uh, I’M everrrrrry womaaaaan,” belting even louder holding that note longer than Mariah.

Then in comes Shaka, to reinforce what Whitney just did singing, “It’s all in meeeeee!”

And while she’s singing, Mariah hits that high note putting everyone to shame. Diana is just on stage putting her big ass hair in everyone’s face and Whitney is in the background doing the ‘praise the lord’ shimmy.

* sigh *

Those were the music days I remember.

I was disappointed when I heard what the line-up was going to be for DIVAS this year. Kelly Clarkson, Jennifer Hudson, Leona Lewis, Miley Cyrus, Jordin Sparks and more. Ok VH1, I’ll give you Jennifer and Kelly, but Miley Cyrus? * side eye * Miley Cyrus is not a DIVA, will never be a DIVA, probably wasn’t even around when the original DIVAS aired.

*throws hands up in the air*

It might be too soon for Whitney, Celine is preggo, but I’m wondering if Beyonce and Christina were already booked? I know our music is in the shitter right now, but if Miley Cyrus and Jordin Sparks are the new DIVAS, this could be the beginning to the end of American music.

If you want to check out DIVAS , its Sept. 17th, 9/8 central, on VH1.

Would you rather...

...be a single parent of 14...

...have eight kids and your partner cheats on you...

...or find out a child you've been parenting for years was never yours in the first place???

Friends Without Benefits

I love my friends. I especially love my guy friends. I learn so much about men from them.

Like for example, I didn’t know that it was possible to have a brown ring around the inside of a toilet bowl for two months without catching hepatitis A,B, and C. I also didn’t know that it takes four 24-packs of empty Coors Light bottles to cover an entire coffee table. And who knew somehow in the midst of old fast food bags, dirty laundry and beard shavings my best guy friend could maintain a healthy relationship. Huh. They must spend more time at her house than his. I’m not sure.

Still, it’s just interesting to me how different guys think compared to women. This particular guy friend of mine not only has a messy abode, but he has some interesting convictions about me and another female friend of ours. You see, him, this other female friend and I all basically grew up together, so we’re all close. In fact, they're like brother and sister to me.

Anyway, he called me yesterday just to say, hi, and he got to talking about how the three of us should all get a hotel room and “get crazy”. Now from a female’s perspective, I took this notion as him suggestion a potential threesome? He immediately bursts out laughing and says no, he meant like just hang out, catch up, blah, blah, blah…

Then he pauses for a minute and says, “Wait, you two have never messed around?” (In reference to me and my girl).

“Um no”, I responded, “Are you fucking retarded?”

“No I’m serious,” he said. “Like you two have never gotten drunk, come home and bitched about how shitty guys are. Then got naked, kissed and one thing led to another?”

“NO!” I yelled (laughing at this point). “What made you think that!?”

“I don't know, but nothing,” he asked again. “Not even like a little kiss?”

Really??? Wait, so guys think that females who are really close have lesbian tendencies? Is that the fantasy?

Well, let me clear this up right now. When I come home with my friends drunk and bitch about a guy, we usually do it stuffing our faces with Jack-n-the-Box and then pass out in our heels and make-up. Waking up the next morning looking like a raccoon and wondering why our friend is face first in the toilet…imagine that.

Be Out!

I don’t know about you guys, but I sure am going to sleep better tonight knowing that Clay Aiken is out. I still don’t get the whole having a kid thing, but at least it explains why the sound of his music makes me want to go and buy shoes.

I like the gays.

Despite what some of you may think, I’m not gay. I prefer the churro to the taco. Although, I haven’t got laid since the Raiders made it to the Super Bowl, I am still a big fan of the shaboinka.

Gay marriage doesn’t bug me either. The idea of GOGA is kind of hot. Shit, Katy Perry kissed a girl, she liked it and she has a man.

Yes it grosses me out imagining a grown ass man with a dick in his booty looking back at his lover saying, “Gimme more, gimme.” However, gay sex can’t be any more disgusting than old people sex. Right?

So I don’t see why two people can’t be together just because their genitals are the same. Since the divorce rate is so high might as well give it a try.

My McDreamy

Speaking of men…

I tried to post this singles add on craigslist, but it got sent back to me. The email read something about inappropriate content. Humph. How can I put out there what I’m looking for in a man if the Internet won’t let me? Anyway, here is the ad, you be the judge…

I am looking for a man who is between 6’ and 6’2”and has a great sense of humor. He must be moderately good looking with excellent hygiene. I don’t like pretty boys. Preferably a Libra, but I will also take Gemini or an Aries.

Penis size should be not too big and not too small. If things aren't looking good in this department, compensate.

I want an educated man who is still street smart. I don’t care what business he’s in, just as long as it isn’t drug or ho related. MUST pay taxes.

Please no baby mama drama. If you do have A kid that is great, however, they must not be a whiny little brat. Preferably potty trained and if they act up I get the right to karate chop them in the side of the neck.

About me: I am a 24-yr-old bartender, who is educated, but hasn’t quite found her niche yet. I’m not desperate, just bored with it all and wanted to spice things up. If you are interested, please email me at (mspuddin [at] gmail [dot] com).

And may the best man win.

Chivalry Died, The Penis Killed It

Ok boys, I’m going to give each and every one of you a chance to defend yourself, but not before I pop you all upside the back of the head.

Honestly, I am disappointed in the men of my generation at the moment. I’m not just speaking from my own experience this time, because three, not one, not two, but three of my girls hit me up over this last week with some, “oh hell naw!” stories about the men in their lives. From infidelity to lying to saying some stupid shit like, “you’ll have to leave the bar right now you’re fucking up my game.”

????????????????

I’m sorry, the only girls I will condone that kind of behavior towards is maybe the ones who walk around with T-shirts that read, “save a virgin, do me instead,” or “cock-a-doodle-do-me.” And I blame them too, but other than that, unacceptable.

Focus boys, focus. If you can’t grasp the concept that girls in porn get paid good money to two-girls-one-cup-it, we got a problem. Please understand reality TV is far from reality and networks purposely cast those girls to walk around on camera in their booty shorts with their titties hanging out.

They get paid to get drunk and make out with half the cast and staff. In fact it's more than likely in their contracts right next to, "blow the director." Besides most of them probably also have the I.Q. of a grape. And since when is that sexy?

What is the deal yo?

Guys listen up—pull out a fucking chair, buy some freakin’ flowers and “you’re ass looks phat in those jeans” does not constitute as a compliment. Also, don’t tell a girl you want to be with her if you can’t back it up by your actions.

For the most part I’m just really disgusted. I know some of the guys that read my blog are married, faithful and all around good guys. Well can you leave some pointers to the rest of the dumbasses out there?

Right now I am opening up my comments for a session on the etiquette of how to treat a lady or at least how to weed the ladies out from the floozies. And for those of you fellas who feel the need to defend yourselves, please, be my guests, because I just don’t get it.

Backwards Love

I had an epiphany. I know, I know, me in deep thought may come as a shock, but humor me here. I could be onto something...

I was driving in my car the other day when that Mary J. Blidge song came on the radio, “Not Gon’ Cry.” Remember that song from Waiting to Exhale, outlining Angela Bassett’s character? The woman who was married to her man for 11 years, helped him build his company success, had two of his children, then he had an affair (with a white woman) and left her?

Well I was thinking, they’re relationship probably started out all honeymoon-like. They met, fell in love and things were great, long walks, long conversations, lots of sex and quality time. That was, until he started thinking with his dick, totally fucked her and tried to take everything she had worked so hard for.

I’m thinking that since people tend to get married to get divorced, this scenario is all too familiar for most.

Then there are other people, (like me), who meet their significant other and they start showin’ they ass within like the first few weeks. Not to be too specific, but a rude, lazy, selfish, player, with no intentions to commit, no direction and so not worth the time and effort, who one day realizes that he is a jerkface and the two of you were meant to be.

Basically what I’m saying is that maybe we should start dating backwards, ya know? Like get all of our flaws out of the way in the beginning of the relationship, so in the end we can live happily ever without divorce or compromising surprises.

Ok this could be a really lame justification for my personal dating situation or a brilliant revelation...

Being Super Cool

I like to consider myself as “cool”.

I mean I smoked weed in high school, I have tattoos, and piercings (my nose and my ears). I’ve dated hot guys. I think. Well I’ve had drunk sex with a couple of hot guys a couple of times. Ok one guy once and it was probably because I wore a really, really tight short skirt and he never called me after, but anyway, not my point.

Back to me being cool.

Not only am I cool, I’m a natural people person. I love people, they intrigue me and when I first meet someone I am always curious as to what their story is. Did she drop out of school and take up stripping to support herself and her baby? Did he end up on the corner because he got spit out of a war without health care and no family relations?

That crazy lady at the coffee shop, we go way back. And that old man in the wheel chair, always wearing his colorful socks and fanny pack is the homie, for real. I don’t know why, but people are attracted to me and me to them.

So it’s no surprise that when I got distracted in the mall the other day, this cutie came up to me and said, “You look lost.”

I normally don’t meet guys like this. And I’m not naïve. I really think that he just happened to see me at the mall all discombobulated and wanted to help out. He wasn’t just at the mall girl hunting.

“Oh no,” I said, kind of laughing. I explained to him that I was frustrated because both of the hair salons in the mall were over booked. I didn’t like the way my lady had cut my hair and wanted to get a quick style before work that night. No such luck.

“Your hair looks fine,” he complemented me.

“I don’t like it,” I said, “but thanks.”

After about ten or twenty minutes of small talk and walking together through the mall, I noticed that we had somehow connected. It was weird. What was even weirder is, at that same moment, he turned to me and said, “I feel like I’ve known you for a long time.”

I felt pretty cool. I gave him my number and forgot about my hair…

Single and Sober

I went to my friend’s engagement dinner/congratulatory party/death sentence on Friday and there wasn’t a bar. We toasted the soon to be bride and groom with sparkling apple cider. Boo.

Yes folks it’s gotten to the point in my life where if someone tells me their pregnant I can say, “congratulations!” instead of, “Oh sh*t, what are you going to do?” And when someone announces an engagement I have to show up and pretend to care. Well, deep down I do care. I’m really happy for my friend, but engagement parties and baby showers are not really my forte. I prefer something a little more erotic and captivating, with a bar.

There is nothing like a Friday night, mingling sober with other singles who ask you stupid questions like, “when are you getting married?” Well, you have to have something called a man to get married to first, genius.

Then I started to panic. Why am I single? Should I go to the Humane Society to start picking out my 20 cats now? (Naw, f*ck that, I hate cats). Could it be that I’m greedy klutz who has no idea what she wants? Eek! My disastrous dating past started flashing through my mind…

I remember this one time, when I used to date this one guy, (and this one time, at band camp) I was over at his house waiting for him to get off of work. On the coffee table there was a giant glass bowl of M&Ms. Instead of reaching and grabbing just a few M&Ms, my greedy ass went and grabbed the whole bowl. The glass crushed in my hand. (Stupid cheap bowl, grrr). M&Ms flew everywhere and my hand started squirting blood.

I called 911, but they wouldn’t give me any medical advice over the phone and it wasn’t serious enough to call an ambulance. So with blood running down my arm, I quickly picked up all the M&Ms and glass. When he came home about ten minutes later he had to help me get the circulation back into my hand, which had turned a nice shade of blue.

Another time I was dating this other guy (not at band camp) and right before he came over, fatty ate a whole package of red licorice. When he got there we got into this discussion of things we liked and disliked in the opposite sex. One of his vices was when girls threw up, it was a turn off to him. Needless to say, not too soon after that conversation, all that red licorice kicked in and I started projectile vomiting (uncontrollably) a funky red liquid all over him.

Oops my bad. :(

The first time I had sex with my ex, I had stuffed my bra with socks. Usually when I (would *ahem*) stuff my bra I’d do the quick pull out when nobody’s looking. Unfortunately that night I wasn’t quick enough and when he felt me up, he found my thick ass socks. (On the plus side he did end up wearing them to work the next day).

Dating sucks. So do engagement parties without alcohol. I don’t see what the big deal is about being single. I’m enjoying this thing called life people!

MsP

Women are complicated and men are horny 101

Some more information passed onto me from g-sweet. Thanks homie. ;p

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

.....

*A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

Where's Puddin' ??? II

Hint: I'm the only one smiling like a dumbass...

Would you gold dig it?

Ladies, ladies, ladies, I’ve noticed a shift in my readership. I used to get a lot of male commentary, now it seems to be coming from the ladies. Maybe I don’t put out as much as I used to? I don’t know, but there’s nothing wrong with this, in fact I want to take the opportunity to write something for my female readers.

A while back I wrote a post about how men always go on and on about how disgusting a chick is. Gonorrhea, one eye, snot bubbles, dookie booty, a missing toe and a hairy back often times will not prevent a man from still tapping that ass. Slaus even went ahead, (possibly jeopardizing his man card), to explain the three categories men put women into:

1). Id wife her.
2). I'd hit it.
3). I'd hit it if I don't have sh*t else to do, like: nothing is on TV that day. Xbox live account is down.
4). I'd never hit that sh*t. nevah.

So ladies now it’s your turn, but since we are ladies, I guess the question would be more so “would you gold dig it?” Fellas to be fair go ahead and toss in your two cents, but ladies, if the price was right would you…

F*ck with Flava Flav? (Yeah boi!)

Now I know this nucca is black as hell and has like 15 baby mamas, but somehow he still manages to have 20 women per show throwing their wet panties at him. On a good day he will take you out for some fried chicken and while you’re out you might get to sport one of those fancy clocks. I mean who could pass up the chance to possibly get a cool nickname like, “booty-cheeks” or “cherry popper”?

What about R. Kelly?

Now ladies, I know what you are thinking, “he only likes to piss on underage girls.” But I’m sure if you asked him, he wouldn’t mind pissing on you too. Yum!

How about mini me aka Verne Troyer?

Think abut this for a second, because technically he is the perfect height. The money might be soooo worth it.

Joe Francis?

Ok I went out on a limb with this guy, but hey, at least it will be easy to get into one of his videos. Just walk around the house topless and intoxicated.

A Hot Rocker Mess

The contest is over *whew, wipes brow *and I got a lot of great entries. As I flipped through the photos, I could hear AC/DC’s Highway to Hell blasting theme music in the background. This was definitely a competition. Ozzy would be proud.

I would like to thank everyone who participated. I had a great time finding these in my email and I'm sure everyone else will enjoy them too. You’re all awesome in my book! (Sh*t, I might even have to party with some of you in the future). So first off I’ll list the winners, since I know you are all anxious to see who won. Then, of course, I gotta go ahead and bust people out.

However, I think the pictures pretty much speak for themselves…

Babyface came hard with this one and won The Rocker Challenge. I’m not going to lie, he’s got some Ty-Kwon-Do-rock-out-with-your-cock-out sh*t goin’ on here. I’m impressed. Not sure if he is going to kick my ass or lick one side of my face.

1st place: I got to hand it to Lady Dreamer, home girl had the hair did, nails did and a cute ass top as she rocked it!

2nd place: Poca, Poca, Poca, * tear * I’m so proud, I taught you well…

3rd place: I’m not gonna lie, Bef scared the sh*t out of me, but I love it. I felt like I was back in the 80’s running around backstage at a rock concert, naked, when I got her photo…

Those were the winners! Congrats! However, it wouldn't be a contest if we didn't get to see all the excess craziness...

Apparently we also had a reptilian contest going on, according to Slaus, as Eb the Celeb and anonymousnupe battled it out for longest tongue…


Wanna has a nice air guitar goin’ on… damn guitar hero * shakes head *

Now some of y'all sent in your super cute ass kids, because you know MsP is a sucka for cute kids and sh*t! So there were two kiddie rockers… Lady Shay’s daughter...

...and lil miss Jaden...

That Saddity Chic and her dad rocked it…

Baby Kiki rocked it…


Amboogie rocked/laughed it out…

Mista swag rocked it… (ladies please note the pearly whites) ;p

Umm, not quite sure what So@24 was up too, but I like it!

The ladies over at Bloggers Delight and suite b rocked it…

J aka Senior Beige rocked it…


DMario had me rollin’, he definitely rocked it!

Jami, went to the club with some friends and rocked it…

LeonB rocked it…

...and karrie b was just dancin’, dancin’, dancin’…

slaus rocked it out...

I would like to give a special thanks to a Mr. Slausin Ass Slaus, from over at Oh Hell Nawl, for his two cents and other various contributions. I present you with a giant cyber hug...

Thanks again to everyone who sent in photos! You all ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ridiculously Good Looking

I’m lookin’ good these days. I’m turning heads, breaking necks and getting $1 bills tucked into my Oh Hell Nawl panties.

How do I know I that I am so ridiculously good looking?

Well, the other day at work this girl turned to me and said, “You look really pretty today. You used to be like kind of ugly, but lately you have been looking better.”

“I had some work done,” I said in response.

I’m sure somehow, in some twisted way, my coworker meant that as some sort of compliment??? Nine times out of ten, I don’t put in a whole lot of effort when getting ready in the morning. So it’s good to know on a day I took the time to shower, put on my face, smell good, brush my teeth and hair, somebody noticed. Sheeeit.

I’ll admit to coming to work lookin’ a little tore back, occasionally, but damn. She’s lucky I wasn’t suicidal, because she could have been the culprit for me going home and having a “Britney moment”. When I hear little comments like ^hers^, I tend to take it lightly. In my opinion, can’t please all the people all the time. I know if I really wanted to, I have the potential to look alright.

Besides, beauty is only skin deep, right? RIGHT!?? I know I’m throwing out a lot of clichés in this post, but honestly our society has a real misconception of beauty…

(Is she really applying make up to a skeleton??? Get that b*tch a chicken wing stat!!! Make it spicy!!!)

Anyway, I had a request for a pic of me “without my face all scrunched up”. Since I’m really, really good looking these days, I thought I’d go ahead and throw up a decent Puddin’ flick. I’ll let my readers be the judge of my so-called “beauty”.

For the record, the best compliment I have ever received was, “you’re pretty, but your personality makes you even more beautiful”.

Tell me , what is the best compliment you’ve ever received???

The Angry Pirate

While I’m on the topic of supermanning hos, I have to go ahead and ask a question…

Fellas, I might seem a little bitter if you have been keeping up with my posts on the penis, but work with me here. Y’all do some stoopid sh*t. I’ll admit, us women might do some crazy sh*t, like pop up out of your bushes, sporting a wonder women costume, singing in a whiny ass voice Keith Sweat’s “Twisted”, (not that I have ever done that before) but at some point we have already established, good d*ck = a crazy ass b*tch.

So anyway, I’m at my friend’s house the other night and she has six male roommates, whom are all powered by the penis (men). One of the guys, Big M, was chillin’ with us in the living room, when I turned to the two of them and said, “I’m sorry but I have really bad gas.”

Big M gives me this look like I’m crazy. (I’ve only met him like twice, but whatever, it was a fair warning, right?) We all started laughing and he starts talking about how girl farts actually smell worse because they are so backed up from holding them in.

“I’ve never had a girl I’ve dated actually fart in front of me,” he said. Then he went on to describe how “perfect” his girlfriends have to be.

“One time I walked out on this girl right before we were about to have sex, because she had hair on her boobs,” he said. “It was like long and curly, like a pig’s tail. I just couldn’t do it.”

His comment switched our topic of conversation to sex (of course) and me telling them the true definition of supermanning a ho. And then Big M is like, “oh yeah, well have you ever heard of an angry pirate?”

“No,” I said, not quite sure if I really wanted to know what it was.

“It’s when a girl is going down on you and you’re about to cum, so you pull out and nut in her eye,” he said. “Then you kick her in the shin.”

He proceeded to stand up covering one eye with his hand while hopping up and down on one foot. “See, get it? She’s an angry pirate.”

Wait, hold up, just stop right there! So my question is, man you just nutted in my eye, why you also gotta kick me? Honestly, is that really necessary? I’m already mad I got juice in my face, but you gonna kick me in my shin???

See, get it? The penis is stoopid…

The Chick Who Offended My Vagina

Remember before the holiday when I got all mushy talking about a potential bisexual experience? Well the b*tch never called me. So all my curiosity about eating box flew right out the window.

Then similar to the time I had one too many vodka cranberries in a karaoke bar, ya know, the place where the fat guy slouched over the bar for half the night, suddenly gets up and feels the need sing ten Nickleback songs in a row? Yeah, that place. The same karaoke bar where I met (stumbled upon) a guy who later turned me into a pretzel and stuck random gardening tools up my ass. (Don’t tell me this hasn’t happened to anyone else before)…Well like I was saying, the chances of reenacting that experience is parallel to the fact that I bumped into the same chick at the bar Saturday night.

Coincidence? Maybe. Small world? I think not. Me drunk again? Yes, of course.

Let me just say for the record I was on fire that night. I had guys whispering things in my ear like, “Let me buy you two drinks” and “I like your weave” all night. I didn’t get any numbers, but I did get a couple of room keys. Wait a minute, now I get it. Damn. Ok so what I was dressed like a hooker at a pimp convention on 5th street and I watch enough TMZ to know how to correctly flash my vagina. (Thanks Britney!)

Anyway, the chick that hit on me a couple weeks ago was there and she was all up in my ass. No you sick people! Not literally in my ass, she was just jockin’ the goods. She kept trying to dance and rub up on me, while whispering in my ear, “damn girl your bad, your bad.” I’m sorry just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean anything. You got my number and you didn’t call, so stop rubbing up on me. I’m going to treat you like any other man. I demand an explanation! I’m a catch b*tch!

So she starts telling me her see-what-had-happened-was story about how she didn’t want to scare me, blah, blah, blah something about how amazing I am, blah, blah, blah. I know, I know, get to the point. Basically there was no point, so I brushed her off and she spent the rest of the night stalking me. Relentlessly trying to get me into the bathroom so we could make out.

No, I didn't go! It takes three not two drinks to get my shirt off and my tongue out.

At the end of the night she found me again only to remind me that she still had my number and this time she was going to call. I’m so sure and Ms Puddin’ has had gardening tools up her ass before, gah! It doesn't matter if she calls or not, I'm over it. I think I was just caught up in the moment.

So much for the vagina, it's back to the penis...

A Taste of Fresh Banana Puddin’

Ok all, this post might be a little different from what you are used to. For the record I am not trying to be funny here and I didn't mean for this to turn into confessions of Ms Puddin'. This is just something I am going through right now and I have to get off my chest …

I know that I joke around a lot about crossing over to the other side --well the opportunity presented itself Saturday night. I went out with a girlfriend of mine and got hit on by a chick. I mean but this girl was serious. She told me I was beautiful and that she wasn’t full on lesbian, but she was attracted to me and wanted to get down with the get down. (Of course if a guy spit that line at me, things would have went down a little different).

And don’t get it twisted, this chick did not have a buzz cut and baggy jeans. (Not that there is anything wrong with that). She sported some tight pants, a pretty face and long hair. I gave her my number. I do check girls out from time to time, but never in a sexual way, more so in a comparing the of goods sort of way. Checking out the competition.

Now I know what people are thinking, please judge me. However, first let me break it down and put something into perspective. Here is what I believe about women who experiment or cross over to the other side. I believe that when a woman has been treated so f*cked up by a man, she sometimes can find the companionship and love from a woman that man was unable to give, while she is trying to move on.

I know some of my friends read this blog and they are going to call me like, “Puddin’ what in the hell is wrong with you?!”

Wait please let me explain. I will never give up men. There is something about certain masculine qualities that do it for me, no question. But I am going through it right now in the dating department. I’m bored. So when I get bored I call my ex and he is an asshole. Period. I have verbalized multiple times how bad he is for me and yet I still let him have control over me. No he’s not physically abusive, but mentally he has messed my head up and turned me into this girl that I don’t know. I won’t go into detail of some of the things that he put me through, (trust me it is not worth the detail), but I am very insecure because of him.

It’s sick, because don’t get it twisted I get hit on, holla’d at, talked to and basically attacked all the time. People are always telling me left and right how beautiful of a person I am on the inside as well as on the outside. And it hurts because I go home, look in the mirror and think to myself, “I just don’t see it, what are these crazy people talking about?”

I know everyone has their own insecurities, but mine lead me back into the arms of someone who isn’t right for me. I’m always looking for approval from this man. I don’t want to change him. I’m waiting for him to change me. Deep down I know that is something I have to do for myself. When I am ready. And right now I just don’t have it in me.

So if she calls I am going to answer, but this is curiosity and temporary. I have never really seen myself going there. I could never see myself doing anything with another chick, especially that. I would never have the balls like she had to approach me and see what the business was. She even explained to me that she didn’t want a girlfriend. I don’t either. I just want to feel good about myself again and be happy even if it is coming from a woman instead of a man.

*This is a testimony not a coming out of the closet moment.*

Renaming Our Lady Lips

* Warning!! This post contains a high volume usage of the word VAGINA reader discretion is advised.

I hate the word vagina. Why does such an amazing piece of anatomy get the name vagina? Life is so unfair. It had to be a man who came up with the idea of naming an important part of the female body, vagina. I mean penis isn’t much better, but vagina makes me want to go out and give blue balls to any guy who disagrees with me. (Is there even such a thing as blue balls?)

Anyway, the two strips of bacon, guarding the cum dumpster is already a scary place to some. Aside from a pimply 13-year-old virgin, boy with braces (who I wouldn’t want near my twat in the first place), there are women out there afraid to look at their own kitty kat. If anyone hasn’t seen the Tyra episode of the 28-year-old woman who is afraid to look at her own cooch, please youtube it. There is also an episode of “Sex and the City” when Charlotte was afraid to look at her poon.

I’m terrified of spiders, but they aren’t a part of my body. How can someone be afraid of the same anatomy they popped out of and use everyday? (I’m talking about going pee people. Get your minds out the gutter!) The v-spot is such a powerful piece of equipment. Learn to love it ladies. Embrace it. Take control of your jerky strips! It took me a long time to realize that pussi has power.

Why are we aren’t we more inclined to get to know the monkey? Get a Brazilian, rub some oil on that puppy, spray some scented lotion and call it a day. Soon I’m talking meal tickets, diamonds, shoes, the ability to spend seven days with your head spinning around in a circle while shooting venom and getting away with it. Guys leave the toilet seat up and barely live to see another day. Woman can bleed for seven days out of their velvet treasures and not die. That’s impressive.

It just sucks that we have PC muscles and babies and all this greatness happens from a something called the vagina? Once we become one with our boxes, we need to come up with a better name than vagina.

Suggestions???