Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Excuse Me, I Have to Fart

Ever since Bottle Blonde told her story about blowing a fuse at the gym, I got to thinking...

It's 2007; women are thriving in their professional and personal lives. Women are no longer destined to live a long life pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen. (Unless they want to, of course). Women have options, important jobs and such. Women are making their own decisions and sometimes even wear the pants in a relationship. Sh*t women can wear pants!

So my question is this, when is it going to be socially acceptable for women to fart? When will society accept a woman's flatulence along with her demeanor?

I heard that the average person farts about seventeen times a day. However, I'm pretty sure the average woman farts about three times a day. I know, because I've been pinching my butt cheeks since 1998. Which isn't healthy. I'm surprised I haven't popped a blood vessel in my eye from trying not to break wind in front of a boyfriend or potential employer.

Guys, I know you sometimes think your girl is PMSing, but she might just have to fart. Sh*t, she might have had to fart all week. She might have a really bad case of the BGs (bubble guts) and since it is socially unacceptable for women to let it out, she's in a bad mood.

There is a rule of thumb in dating: IF YOUR MAN FARTS FIRST, THEN IT IS OK FOR YOU TO FART. IF HE NEVER FARTS, YOU'RE ASSED OUT, LITERALLY.

I want to put an end to this. It's not fair. We need to unite and open up the butt cheeks of women everywhere. It's just air, it will evaporate. I propose the right to allow women to fart whenever and wherever they have to. And until justice is released, ladies, here are some places and times you cannot fart: in church, on a first date, meeting the parents, while he's going down on you, at a job interview, at a meeting, any public place i.e. mall, grocery store, bank, post office, restaurant, nightclub, etc, ever,....

Here is A place you can fart: at home, in your room, with the door shut, when no one is home...

*My computer hates me. So I will stalk other blogs when it lets me...

18 comments:

Betty Boob Hug said...

hahahah, pfwwwwwt, toot toot. That was me bum-gassing myself in agreement.
I have never farted infront of a man, on purpose before. I got brought up to think 'ladies' didn't do it.
Growing up, my brother and I were given the 'One fart and you are OUT" card. Mum had us running to the toilet, if we needed to go or not, based on just the slightest hint of a fluff-puff.

I did let rip one time and it was mortifying. I'd just had a baby and I bent forward to push myself off the couch and I made a sound quite like a horse makes with it's lips right before it neighs and whinnies. My husband laughed and called me "fanny flapper'.

It is about time women everywhere stood up and demanded the right to flatuence. phfffffft.

BottleBlonde said...

AMEN, SISTER! A-M-E-N! [jumpin' around with boobs-a-flappin' and clappin' hands like a singer in a church choir]

I laughed my gas off at this post!

Betty, the horse simile is GENIUS. Hilarious! By the way, your ex-hubby was good for one thing: fanny flapper. That is my new word.

country roads said...

have at it, I say! I hate having to pretend that I don't fart in front of girls.

anonymousnupe said...

Which begs the question: Quiet and pungent, or loud and embarrassing but virtually undetectable by the olfactory senses? Which is your preferred fartal mode?

Bella said...

Very well thought out MsP!

Mortarbored said...

As long as women want to have sex, they will have to hide their farts. I mean think about; if you were out somewhere and met a guy and started to approach him and then he dropped a big one, would you continue? And besides, if your poo-poo smells like roses, whats the big deal?

In the meantime, we men will continue to have fights over who can emit the loudest, dankest farts. And we will continue to fart under the sheets after sex and let it linger for you to find later.

Welcome to the male species.

Hex said...

The first thing that jumps to mind when I read this is that panel on "The View"

I bet when they go to break it stinks like Animal House in there.

MsPuddin said...

betty boob- all I remember growing up is that if my dad lifted his leg, it was cue to leave the room…My brothers did everything, the pull my finger, to pin me down and fart on me. Ah boys will be boys, fanny flapper, now I like the sound of that…

bottle blonde- you laughed so hard you farted. Nice.

country roads- guys do that? They pretend? NO way, where have you been?

anonymousnupe- I think it is a little bit of both, but we will never know for sure now will we…

bella- thank you. I hoped I touched people all over the U.S.

mortarboard- I guess the easiest answer to this is, we don’t want to have sex as often as you do. If I can’t fart, you re not getting laid.

And you are evil for that. I once dated a guy who thought it was funny to blow a fuse, then suffocate me under the covers…

hex- imagine limos on the way to fashion and award show, or after, for that matter…and there are no windows…

Don said...

Funny post.

The average person farts at least seventeen times a day?! That's scary.

I don't think a woman should ever fart. At least not in the presence of anyone.

lol @ eye vessel pop

Ms. Behaving said...

ROTFLMAO @ this post!!

Gurl...I know I'll be out of the majority but I gotta with what Don said.

It's just unladylike PERIOD!

Oh and would you believe me if I told you that your post is the second I've read today about woman and gas passing?!?!?!

Lemme find out women are getting together to spread the word!!!!

Muze said...

lmao! you are a mess!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

We let you people vote now, what more do you want?? Women do not fart, PERIOD. Belching is out too.

MsPuddin said...

Man, this didn't blow over (no pun intended) like I'd hoped. Oh well...

Steph said...

Good for you! I'm a proud flag waving farter from way back. I even warn people in my profile!! :P

Betty Boob Hug said...

to bottle blonde: what is really tragic though is that in Australia, when we say 'fanny' we mean the vaginal flaps, not the butt cheeks like you guys call a fanny.

So actually, he was mocking my loose labia, and for that he must be hated for all eternity. hahahah!

Megan Hamilton said...

omg girl you are so funny! I agree that women should have the right to fart. I don't think we will ever be able to the way guys do with their blatant fart contests (and i don't think we would want to) but I think if something slips out accidentally there shouldn't be this huuuuuge stigma around it.

Megan Hamilton said...

oh yeah, and have you ever had to fart but held it in so long that when you had to sneeze you accidentally farted too? Yeah...that's embarrassing.

Ebonne said...

hahahahahah... dang the average person farts that many times a day... if that is true we should as least get 1 free pass per day to let it go when and how we want... but that will never happen...until your old and married and dont really care what the other person thinks of you anymore... then you will fart fart fart withou even thinking about it...lol!