Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Moral of Porn

I was chatting with my guy friend today. He was informing me on how his new porn collection had just come in the mail.

“Porn is like a good action movie,” he said. “You can only watch it a couple of times, because once you know what’s going to happen, it’s not exciting anymore.”

I asked him if I could borrow a copy of his new porn.
“Not until I watch them first,” he said. “I get the first date with my new porn.” Um, ok. Fair enough.

I read in Cosmopolitan that guys masturbate A LOT. I mean women flick their bean occasionally, but guys jack off like their penis signed up for an intensive aerobics class.

I personally don’t mind porn. I watch it sometimes, but I am THE worst person to watch it with. I once dated a guy and we would watch porn together. I remember watching a porno with him one night, which killed any future opportunity of us watching it together again. I forgot what the porn was titled, but I'll make something up to help paint the picture. I'll call it, "The Punani Party."

The “storyline” of the poon, was about a couple of hot (airbrushed and plastic) chicks who get invited to a house "party". When they get to this party they end up being the only two chicks who show up. (How original). So the two hot chicks are chillin' at this so called party with the two guys who threw the party. Eventually one guys leads one chick onto the couch, while the other guy takes the other girl upstairs. (Didn't see that one coming). One thing leads to another and well, um, yeah, soon everyone is doing the nasty.

However, the whole time we are watching the porn I’m lying in the bed asking a million questions like, “didn’t she have a purse when she first walked in? Where did her purse go? Why are they the only ones who showed up anyway, shouldn’t there be more people if it’s a party?”

Meanwhile, the guy I’m dating is getting frustrated, because I'm totally killing the mood. And starts yelling at me, (well not literally yelling, because he still wants to get laid).

“It’s a porn!" he said. "The point is they have sex! Stop over analyzing it. They are at the party to have sex!”

Oooooooh, that’s right. They are at the party to have sex. Ah that makes so much more sense now. Not only is this film low budget, but it was directed by another man’s penis. Gotcha.

The moral of the story? I shouldn't watch porn.

The End.

24 comments:

Kitty said...

I heart porn.

Steph said...

I gave up trying to follow the storylines ages ago. I just skip to the sexin now.

Mister Underhill said...

That's why I like porn where there is simply no talking.

country roads said...

A good sense of humour is a definite turn on...add some nakedness in and it's a hell of a night :-)

BottleBlonde said...

Porn schmorn. I get off on shoe sales and skid-free underwear.

Ms. Behaving said...

I had a comment...I swear I did but I can't for the life of me remember what it was after LMAO @ bottleblonde's!

Hope you have a great weekend Ms. P!

MsPuddin said...

kitty- Ditto. =)

steph- yeah, I think I’m going have to start doing that. Some porns do it for you

mu- really? Where can I find this, or you just put it on mute?

cr- there are some guys I could never see myself having sex w, simply because I would just start laughing

bb- me too! Add margaritas and fresh breath to that list…

ms. b- thank you, you too!

So@24 said...

I disagree. Porn directors/writers/story editors should at least have some pride in their work and keep a watchful eye out for bloopers and inconsistencies.

Besides, why pay for porn when you can watch Shania Twain's "You're Still the One I Want" music video on mute?

G-Sweet said...

yea... i get pissed if theres dialogue to any porn i watch... most black porn(95%of the porn ive seen) has no dialogue... hmmmm never wondered why!...

but who asks questions... r u serious?... lmao... i woulda turned that shit off and said 4get it!...hahaha

co-sign with Mr. Underhill

STILL_POCAHONTAZ said...

MsP, my hub and I watch it all the time, I dont how often he beats his meat but damn, I hope its not more than actual interaction with me....Porn is the bomb though, maybe you watched the wrong one. Of course the direction sucks but its something interesting about watching two people smash while you watch and they actually dont know you are watching...ugh, I sound like a mad pervert.
......oh yeah about this,
I mean women flick their bean ( GIRL IM DEAD)

onthevirg said...

"...but guys jack off like their penis signed up for an intensive aerobics class.

Seriously, that's some funny gdamn shit right there. I almost had to break up w/ my g/f when we moved in together and she threw away all of my porn tapes. I mean, what kind of sadistic, evil woman does something like that?

Mortarbored said...

Production porn blows.

UBERMOUTH said...

porn is so much better in alanguage you don't understand esp. if you are wit a guy that speaks the language. Suddenly everything they say seems worth wanting translated!

MsPuddin said...

so@24- I like the new default…I don’t know why, but Enrique Iglesis’s videos do it for me too…

G- I heard most black porns get straight to the point. Like hi my name is Kandi and then she starts bonin’ lol

still_p- ( GIRL IM DEAD)??? Sex is sex. That is how we all got here, pervert lol

onthevirg- lol remember the movie w owen Wilson n kate hudsen when she makes her husband throw out all that porn lol hella funny

mortarb- I think there is some blowing going on in every porno

ub- that sounds hot! I’ve never dated a guy where English wasn’t his first language…

Betty Boob Hug said...

hahahaha, I love your writing, this is hilarious.

When I watch porn, I just fast forward until I get to the bit I like the best. Who has time for banalitys like script, narrative and character development?

Betty Boob Hug said...

bottle blonde: hahaha, skid free underwear. You would of hated my ex-husband then. King of the Skids I called him (well I didn't really but still....)

phishez_rule said...

I love porn. Have my own collection and all. Its great to watch. Stupid, and it makes no sense, but fun.

Hex said...

so@24's comment is about the closest thing I've heard to that scene in The Big Lebowski where the Dude asked that cop if they had any leads in the case of his stolen car.

Story editors?

That's a good one, bro.

Cunning Linguist said...

They make porn specifically for women you know. I shit you not. It takes into account all fo the things that you saw flawed in the "guy porn". More sensitive, actual story line... shoes match the panties. The whole bit.

BottleBlonde said...

MsPuddin, fresh breath?! Don't you think you're askin' for a little too much? ;-)

Betty, the skids are one of my biggest pet peeves. I would've gagged your hubby with his poo-covered undies while he slept.

Don said...

lol @ stop overanalyzing porn.

I've never been into porn or masterbation. To be honest, porno flicks kinda turned my stomach.

Judging by the comments. there may be something wrong with me. LOL.

MsPuddin said...

Betty B- when I watch it by myself I fast forward too…plus the story is a few years old so I’ve learned a little since then lol…gross about your husband…is that why he’s your ex?

Phishez_r- isn’t it one of those things where you re thinking to yourself, I probably shouldn’t be doing this, but you do it anyway…?

Hex- long time…Hey I don’t see why not, porn should have SOME substance to it right? Make it a little more meaningful, ok never mind forget it…

Cunning l- really? Right on. I got to look into that, definitely got to have matching panties. Wait, I don’t even think I own a matching panty set…

Bottle b- yeah you re right that is stretching it. My bad, it’s been so long I thought I’d throw that out there…

don- well I guess you would be on my level as far as critiquing the porn instead of getting off to it lol

Chris "Bag Boy" said...

You have to love when producers go out of their way to make porn movies that have similar names to popular movies. Like "The Da Vinci Load." Then again there are stupid titles out there as well, like "She's not a lesbian, she is a Vaginaterian."

Muze said...

lol....i'm the same when it comes to watching porn. my bf loves it....but i tried to watch with him one day and totally ruined it. i kept asking questions and saying things like, "didn't she know she was going to be filmed? why didnt' she paint her toes/put some grease on her elbows/get that bugger out her nose?" he got so frustrated he just turned it off and we skipped it. lol. porn actually makes me vomit in my mouth a bit now. lol.