Big Kickin' It At Target

Brought to you by the folks over at OHN. I hate you all...

In other news...

I went to Target on my lunch break today, in hopes of getting something classy for my ex boyfriend from high school as a wedding gift. I felt kind of bad going to Target, but hey that’s where he’s registered and it’s my ex.

Once I printed out the registry and discovered the reoccurring theme of a losing football team, all shameful thoughts flew out the window. Listed was, an Oakland Raiders Table Cover, an Oakland Raiders 4-pc BBQ Tool Set, an Oakland Raiders Bedding Collection and an Oakland Raiders Frosted Pint Glass Set.

I started cracking up as I sifted through the list with my eyes. Was he using this wedding as the opportunity to catch up on his favorite team’s collectibles? A visual of a man I once loved twenty years later on the couch with a beer belly and no motivation in life flashed through my mind.

It was right then and there I decided not to be stingy. Instead of going bitter and stag to his wedding, I was going to be happy and celebrate. This girl he was marrying could have him. I tossed the list and opted to buy the happy couple a bottle of wine...

On my way out the store, this guy who obviously worked at Target, with his red button-up and “Jeremy” Target badge shouted out to me.

“Hey, weren’t you the girl eating at the register last week?” He asked.

“I wasn’t eating, I was putting a cough drop in my mouth,” I said defensively.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were eating.” he said. “Are you a regular here or something?”

“Hahaha no, I just work across the street so its convenient.”

“Oh,” he said. “Do you work at that place across the street that sells Hammer pants?

*Crickets*

No, I do not sit in an office all day and sell MC Hammer merchandise! And if I did work there and you were looking for some sort of re-live the 90s "two legit" hook up Mr., it’s not gonna happen!

Wait. Hold up, time out. Is there really a place somewhere that just sells Hammer pants?

And just to clarify, I was NOT chillin’ at the Target cash register eatin’ a snack…

And in other news...

I feel compelled to write Heidi Montag another inspirational letter on how to get a life and a new man. However, after watching her boyfriend Spencer Pratt and his looking-like-a-molester friend, act ‘gangsta’ on the Hills last night, I think I’ll just leave her alone for the time being. I wouldn’t want Mr. Pratt’s ‘peeps’ to come and ‘throw down hard’ on me for talking ‘smack’.

Besides, why waste time on them when there are so many other wonderful things happening!?

First of all, congratulations to Kim Kardashian for this impressive burn. Look! It’s Magda from “Something About Mary”, meets a very Persian Ooompa Loompa.

And then there was the crazy German lady who woke up and thought, “Hey today would be a great day to hang out with some Polar bears at the Zoo during feeding time.” *thumbs ups!* Remember the alleged tiger attacks at the San Francisco Zoo in 2007? Well that’s what they are trying to call this situation, a “polar bear attack”. I felt sorry for the tigers and I once again empathize with the bears.If I was hungry and some fatty jumped all up in my food for no reason, I might get nervous and bite too, sheiiit.

And last but not least, I feel like the 90s are trying to make a comeback.Like isn’t Ginuwine trying to revive his career?Keisha Knight Pulliam allegedly has a reality TV show coming out and you will never guess who I randomly bumped into at the club last Saturday?

No big announcement or extensive MySpace flyers were sent my way. I had just so happened to be at a particular club celebrating my roomie’s bday, when towards the end of the night the DJ hit us with some old school.“This Is How We Do It!” starting blasting through the speakers and I look over to my left and Montell Jordan is in the crowd on the mic!

He only did that song, before saying he would be in the VIP if anyone wanted to come and kick it.We went down to try and get a pic and there were like only three other people around. LOL I don’t think anyone knew who he was or why he was there. Does he have a new album out? Is the economy that bad?Either way, he was still looking scrum-dayyyyumn-yummie-umptious!!!

Your Publicity Stunt Is Gross

My ex used to make fun of me because I think that everything is gross.

Onions. Gross. Herpes. Gross. The sound of a banana when being chewed. Gross! Gross! Gross!

Not to mention, Kanye West’s ego, Tori Spelling’s boob job, Christian Louboutin’s new sneaker line, Amy Winehouse and waking up the next morning to find vomit in my hair that I didn’t know was there the night before, can all also be classified as gross.

However, I would rather watch a Billy Bob Thornton and George W. Bush rendition of two-girls-one-cup, while eating a Fear Factor delicacy on the toilet before exposing my eyes to this ever again…

Aubrey O'Day sucking on Kathy Griffin's tongue.Ew.

Would you still hit it, again?

Well I came over to my boyfriend’s house the other day, (yes I have a boyfriend) and he nonchalantly had a porno playing on the TV. It wasn’t a plastic titty DVD with bleach blondes, big fake boobies and airbrushed booty. It was one of those real raunchy pornos where the viewer can see the chick’s razor bumps on her cooch during the penetration close-ups.

“Why are you watching a porno right now,” I asked. “And why this nasty one?”

“Oh my boy let me borrow it, I was just checking it out,” he replied. “I’m not really paying attention.”

Oh.

I was silent for a moment as I checked out the porn. Some perverted looking white guy was eating out this fat black chick’s pussi.

At least it was embracing biracial relationships.

“I’m sorry, but that chick is gross,” I said.

“Why,” he asked.

I don’t know, she just is,” I said, making a face, before asking the inevitable, “Would you have sex with her?”

“Ummmm, yes,” he said turning his head from left to right looking at her intently. “You will be surprised to find out, my dear, who a man will have sex with.”

Then he went on to tell me that given the opportunity he would have sex with Omarosa, Whoopi Goldberg, Star Jones (before and after surgery) and Paris Hilton. Thus opening the door to one of my most infamous debates, would you still hit it???

Usually for the fellas, but ladies feel free to toss in your oh so necessary two cents, because you know we always do…

Fellas, would you have sex with Oprah if she was broke? Doesn’t matter bigger or smaller, without money is Oprah still f*ckable?

What about Octo-pussi Nadya Suleman? Sure she might have a gaping vagina, jumbo sized stretch marks, be able to make her nipples hard with her knees and even attempt to pull off the condom during sex, but she looks like she can give a mean blow job...

And if the rumors are true and Rihanna did give Chris Brown herpes or the clap, does her sex appeal override the possibility of attracting a life long std???

Plan B (not the pill)

Since the economy is down I thought it would be a good idea to revise my resume. So it’s a good thing that I have this blog full of so many things I’m good at to base my experience on…

Ms. Fresh Banana Puddin’

1000 Not Quite Sure Where I Am Avenue
You Are Here, CA 86411
1-800-FCUKOFF
mspuddin@gmail.com

OBJECTIVE
Looking for a job where no one cares about my punctual nature and sobriety.

EDUCATION
USSI - U Seem Smart Institute for becoming extra Smarter, You Are Here, CA
A Bull Shit degree in Learning
Minor in Stuff

EXPERIENCE
- Stripping
- Dancing on bars
- Drunk driving
- Any back alley
- Cheap date
- Plan B savvy
- Passing out Drunk (on doorsteps, front lawns, the back seat of your car, etc.)
- Knows someone who knows the personal assistant of the girl who was in that one movie, yeah her sister.

VOLUNTEER WORK
- N / A (I don’t do kittens, babies or old people)

AWARDS
- In The Hole Award (Puking on target)
- Nacho Champ Eater
- Falling face first an impressive amount of times

THINGS I’M GOOD AT
- Hopping fences
- Other people’s credit cards
- Getting free drinks
- Trespassing
- Losing panties
- Drunk texting / dialing / stopping by unannounced
- Getting by on a cup of noodles (Food Max, 24-pack for $3, btw)
- Dancing good while inebriated
- Holding my pee
- Creatively popping a squat
- Starting fights with bitches I don’t know…or my ex
- Decent at blowjobs, but infrequent
- Stuffing bra
- Giving number, email / address out to anyone who asks for it
- Setting things on fire

PERSONAL ATTRIBUTES
- Habitual Thrower
- Insecure
- Clumsy
- Desperate
- Fucking Crazy
- Easy
GOALS / ASPIRATIONS- Keeping a man- Rehab

EMPLOYMENT
42nd and Taylor 11 / 5 – current
You Are Here, CA
Corner Worker – I work hard

Burger King bathroom 4 / 08 – 11 / 1
You Are There, CA
Nothing really – sobered up and ate French fries


REFERENCES
911 – please ask for anyone who moves fast and has really good MEDs.

*A special thanks to my PA for helping me put this resume together on such short notice.

MISSING VAGINA

Dear readers,

My vagina has recently packed up and bounced out. So if you see her on I-90 with a suitcase full of lube, condoms and birth control, can you please call me at 1-800-GET-LAID?

Thanks,

MsP

No Pictures Please

I’m famous beeotches! Well kind of, but not really.

See what had happened was I was minding my own bizness when all of a sudden, the Cunning Linguist’s 12 inch penis landed in my email box. I was surprised as you could only imagine, but came (oh that was bad) and found out that he wanted to interview me for his blog! Yay!

I was going to post it here, but he has it up already in his page. So check it out! I gave a few shout outs too!

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Real quick and random I also wanted to post up some music therapy for anyone who’s interested. I didn’t get blind sighted with a meme or tagged or nothing like that, but I thought I would share some of the songs I’m feeling at the moment.

Please enjoy because it’s better than my initial list of top five people I would most like to punch in the balls.

John Legend-Greenlight
Estelle-Come Over
Kardinal Offishal ft Akon- Dangerous
Donnie klang- Idol
Christina Aguilera- Keeps Getting Better

I’m downloading, any more music to add to my list???

Holy Pop Culture!

Haha. Swipe!

Ok where was this party and why wasn’t I invited???!!! >:-/


I'm just saying, can a sista get a table dance?

Sooooo, I have a confession to make. I kissed girl and I liked it. Just kidding. No really, I liked it. Ok, ok for real, my confession is that I think Miley Cyrus is kind of badass. I just wish she were a little older so I wouldn’t feel so guilty about enjoying her not contributing to society.

Don’t tell anybody I just said that either…

Well, if it isn’t obvious enough, I watched the VMAs. This is exciting news guys! I don’t have cable, I just happened to be in the right place at the right time.

However, I watched it with a bunch of guys, which was a bad fuckin’ idea. All I heard the whole time was how thick Rhianna’s thighs are and how many Kama Sutra positions she is wanted in. It's bad enough the bitch already stole my man, now I got to hear about her sexy thighs? Ugh.

It’s cool though, because I have a new crush. Oh yeah, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, sexy nerd. You could be my McLovin anytme baby.

PS- I know I suck at blogging right now. Please feel free to give me a cyber slap in my comments.

MsP

I Hit That

*disclaimer* - I have only done illegal and dirty things to Reggie Bush in my mind. Unfortunately, I have never physically had any real sexual encounters with him.

I wish that women could brag about their sexual encounters, without sounding like dirty whores who feel they have to run home to wash the stench of badussy out of their vagina's.

One of the guys I used to date back in college just recently got drafted into the NFL. I’m talking a multi-million dollar contract. He also just got married. I’m really happy for him and glad it wasn’t me he married. Honestly.

Although, whenever his name comes up, people always ask me if I knew him. Basically because we went to school together.

“Yeah I remember him,” is pretty much all the information I am willing to expose. I’ve learned to keep my sex life private.

Truth is, I hit that. Yes I said it. Actually, if I said it more like a man instead of a lady I’d say, “I made that man my little bitch. Had him screaming my name and everything.”

Ok I don’t know about that last part, but him and I used to GET IT ON.

Back in the day I was a football player magnet. I don’t know why either, because I kind of have a prejudice against them. When I think football player, I think Paco from Blazing Saddles meets Varsity Blues. Not all players, but most of them seem to use their football scholarships as a free ride from school and a tool to pick up women.

At first it was flattering and when I was younger I would take a hot body over brains any day. However, it got old quick and soon I started to feel like a groupie. I mean, pimpin' ain't easy for a lady. And since I’m not the girl he married and is sharing his contract with, people will just assume as much.

Anyway, for the record I am not a groupie and I still hit that. Jealous???

MsP

Obama Overload

Ok my mom emailed me this earlier today.

Then my cousin just sent me a link to Ludacris' new endorsement of Obama.


Lyrics:

I'm back on it like I just signed my record deal
yeah the best is here, the Bentley Coup paint is dripping wet, it got sex appeal
never should have hated
you never should've doubted him
with a slot in the president's iPod Obama shattered 'em
Said I handled his biz and I'm one of his favorite rappers
Well give Luda a special pardon if I'm ever in the slammer
Better yet put him in office, make me your vice president
Hillary hated on you, so that b^$&%* is irrelevant
Jesse talking slick and apologizing for what?
if you said it then you meant it how you want it have a gut!
and all you other politicians trying to hate on my man,
watch us win a majority vote in every state on my man
you can't stop what's bout to happen, we bout to make history
the first black president is destined and it's meant to be
the threats ain't fazing us, the nooses or the jokes
so get off your ass, black people, it's time to get out and vote!
paint the White House black and I'm sure that's got 'em terrified
McCain don't belong in ANY chair unless he's paralyzed
Yeah I said it cause Bush is mentally handicapped
Ball up all of his speeches and I throw em like candy wrap
cause what you talking I hear nothing even relevant
and you the worst of all 43 presidents
get out and vote or the end will be near
the world is ready for change because Obama is here!
cause Obama is here
The world is ready for change because Obama is here!

I'm not mad, just ready to see what is going to happen next, ya know?

But enough about me...

What am I doing right now?

Well, if you really must know, I’m sitting at home on a Saturday night, nursing a hangover with a Bloody Mary and popcorn. (Weird combo, I know). I just don’t get it, when I am bored as f*ck, pumped up and ready to go, no one calls me or answers their phone. When I’m tired and not in the mood to socialize, everyone and the f*cking president calls me to go out.

I think even Jesus just called me to see if I wanted to go cloud hopping with him, for real.

Sorry Jesus, but I’m in for the night. I'm sitting on my couch, ah, um, reflecting. Yeah that's it, reflecting...

I had my first job interview last week. I probably shouldn’t be posting about it, seeing as how I’m trying to get a writing job and most potential employers have asked for a link to my blog along with my resume. Haha. Maybe that’s why I still haven’t found a job?

Anyway, during my interview, she kept coming back to the same question of, “so what do you like to do?” or “so tell me about yourself.” By the third time she asked me what my hobbies were, I was really tempted to go ahead and tell her.

“In my spare time I dress up like a dominatrix, stalk the evil lurkers in the night and break dance. (I can do a killer robot). I also enjoy getting drunk, hopping my ex’s fence and passing out on his doorstep.”

Violá! So there you have it. I’m just your average Puddin’.

Seriously, how much should people be allowed to talk about themselves? Is it just me, or is it awkward to continuously toot your own horn? Ok kind of funny how that last sentence can be interpreted in more ways than one…

Don't freak out, change can be good...

I noticed that people haven’t really been blogging much lately.

I thought it was just me, and I felt bad for slacking on posting and commenting. However, slowly some of my favorite bloggers are disappearing, posting less and less.

I started this blog, because I was going through a really hard time. (* tear *) A small piece of that time in my life had to do with me having no direction. A part of me didn’t care, which I found out, is normal. (So is going to the movies by yourself and thinking you’re a ninja, cuz’ I am). I liked my wild ways, and me, but another part of me understood that I needed to get my shit together. Yes, I said shit.

Blogging became therapeutic and I fell in love with writing all over again. Writing and I soon came to enjoy romantic dinners and long walks on the beach, as we gazed adoringly into each others creativity. We connected. We vibed. More importantly, writing took my mind off of my crazy life. I was able to get my racing thoughts into cyberspace and out of my head.

In the beginning I would just tell stories of the crazy things that happened to me during the day, in relation to men, booze, my job, etc. Eventually those stories turned into an addiction. Never in my life had I been able to write and say what I wanted to say, with such positive and witty feedback.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am still here. I’m still Ms Fresh Banana Puddin’, but as things in my life are evolving expect to see some changes in my writing.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being my blogging family. Thanks for being you. ;p

MsP

Life sucks and then I get a migraine for 72 hours...

No seriously, since Friday I’ve felt like when I sneeze my brains are going to come shooting out my ears. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m a hypochondriac, so it’s probably just a tumor.

I must have did something, to somebody, somewhere because my head is still pounding! I think one of the blood vessels in my temples is going to burst and release my evil chemicals.

Muah-ha-ha-ha!

In the meantime, while I suffer, I will attempt to distract you all from the fact that my wit is having a heavy metal concert in my brain, with a display of some interesting childhood memories.

I asked my mom and dad to send me some decent baby pictures. And they sent me these…???

Apparently one of my earlier hobbies was walking around the house with a paper bag on my head without undies. That’s my mom poking my belly and of course my dad was taking the photo. Thank God there wasn’t youtube when I was growing up.

Be back as soon as my head is better. ;p

MsP

An Interview with Heidi Montag

Well as some as you might know I have it out for The Hills “star” Heidi Montag.

She fits into that category of people-who-make-you-want-to-stab-yourself-in-the-eye-with-a-fork, repeatedly, as in over and over again. A neverending blinding irritation. I just don’t like her. Something about her makes me want to shoot her in the head.I would never do something like that.I don’t own a gun.I don’t know what it is though.I’ve never met Ms. Montag and I hope I never do. Seems like a conversation with her would be a waste of time. However, (in my mind) for some reason, I interviewed her…

MsP: How’s it goin’ Heidi?

Heidi: Good. Thanks.

MsP: That’s good. I guess. I heard you just recently launched your own clothing line, did you hear about this?

Heidi: Oh yeah! It was my idea.

MsP: Good for you, you had an idea. Fantastic.

Heidi: Yeah, it sucks though because I didn’t get as involved as I would have liked to. I was really busy getting all the fat sucked out of my thighs and running around on the beach in my bikini.

MsP: You have been looking a little slim lately, tell me, when was the last time you ate?

Heidi: A couple of days ago. I think. Wait, um yeah, it was Monday.

MsP: Really, almost a week now. What did you have?

Heidi: A grape.

MsP: Just one grape?

Heidi: Yeah, but then I threw it up after. I was afraid people were going to be able to see the imprint in my stomach lining.

MsP: Oh, I see. So what made you decide to get into music? I don’t know if anyone told you, but, um, well how do I put this lightly? You have NO talent.

Heidi: Really? I thought I was good. Huh. Well anyway, my fiancé told me that my boobs make me look smarter and I was a good singer. I took his word for it. I mean I need something to fall back on after The Hills.

MsP: What about getting an education? Have you thought about that?

Heidi: It’s crucial that I focus on the show, my music, my clothing line, getting plastic surgery, fighting pointless fights with people just as pointless as me, bleaching my hair, staging my relationship, before I worry about those things.

MsP: Oh well you got to do what you got to do. Although, you do look smarter maybe it’s your new boobs and nose, hmmm. Real quick, what’s one plus one?

Heidi: *thinking *

MsP: Nevermind. Well I think I’ve had about as much as I can take. Thanks for joining me on my blog today.

Heidi: Two!

MsP: And we're done...

An Interview with A Mr. Slausin Ass Slaus

* Warning!! * Don’t read this @ work.

I got the chance to catch up with Slaus from over at Oh Hell Nawl this week and we got into one of our usual random ass conversations…

MsP: Slaus, how’s it goin'? Back problems? Old lady giving you trouble?

Slaus: Hey baby thanks for having me here on your blog n ish! I really appreciate the chance to get away from the shenanigans of my family and then the staff. It's like a damn party filled with meth-addicted monkeys, but without the high and the monkey's are throwing shyt on my walls and trying to sodomise me with damn jolly ranchers! Who does that?

MsP: Um, I couldn't tell ya. Soooo... the Web site you're a slave to, Oh Hell Nawl, is becoming really popular. When was the last time someone you know made you go "Oh Hell Nawl"?

Slaus: Slave is right doll! I kinda feel fortunate, because I see ignant shyt all day every day ya know. Just Monday I was at work and saw this lil hot blonde chick getting on the elevator. Since I could see the elevator was going down, I ran and jumped in also. You should have seen the look on her face! Not because a Big ol black dude jumped on the elevator with her, it's because she obviously thought she was gonna take the ride by herself.. cuz she pooted. I mean it had to be her, cuz there was no one else there but she and I. Must have been one of those lingering ass lingering kinda poots too I bet. All I know is: It smelled like Ha Ha Hell. Damn shame for a girl that fine to poot a cloud of what could be mistaken for Lean cuisines and lama dick. Nasty. She WAS fine though. But I'd have to question her diet. Smellin like that.

MsP: Damn, that will teach you to take the stairs. Have any of your staff ever got into it?

Slaus: The question isn't IF they have, the question is when DON'T we fight. I -mean- fiiiiight. There isn't a week that goes by, when someone doesn't say to me: " Fugg this, you can fire me then!" or " I know that bytch didn’t say what I think she said to me," and my favorite: " You need to get such n such before I cuss them the fugg out! I aint playing!" Most of the time the anger is based at me though, and it's completely deserved. I can be a hard person to work for. Shyt, just Wednesday I fought with my Marketing Manager for an hour over messenger, then fought with my Sales Manager that afternoon!

MsP: Once yall get it together and quit fighting, what are your plans for OHN?

Slaus: GET. PUBLISHED. I am SO sincere. The first goal is to get published by 2009, 2010 at the latest. But it’s going to be really difficult to do so with the way the strip is set up right now. It is a real problem and real talk? It keeps me up at nights sometime. Thank God for Sex n martini’s to bring me back to earth!

MsP: Do you have any blogging rituals? Ex: stretching, finger aerobics, lots of booze, etc.?

Slaus: I blog at my best usually when I find some quiet time, got some Jimi Hendrix or Lenny Kravitz playing, and a dirty martini with three olives. Im boojie. A good martini is the way to go... matter of fact? Where are the dranks? No dranks, and you haven’t flashed boobs once in this interview. This is some booolshyt.

MsP: My bad, vodka and cran or gin and tonic?

Slaus: Gin n Tonic.. or dirty Martini with three gourmet olives. Not those fake ass fake pimento ass Albertson shyts either. Gourmet dammit! Yeah, I’m unapologetically boojie.

MsP: How about, Grape juice or grape drink?

Slaus: Grape anything is nasty as hale!

MsP: Ok, what about orange juice or drank? Red drink???

Slaus: Ok red drank! Definitely. Does that mean I get to keep my Black Card? Cuz you know grape drink is like a Black staple. Every black house from the hood to the Hamptons has a packet of grape koolaid somewhere in the crib! But you know we gotta mix it with other shyt like a lil lemonade.. lil orange drink. Shit.. if there was a chemist degree for mixing koolaid? Black folks would have phd’s a plenty!

MsP: You always talking about some black folks sh*t. If you were stuck on Neverland Ranch with Michael Jackson, what would you do?

Slaus: Slap the dog shyt out of his dumb ass. Why the fugg a beautiful black man, wanna turn himself into an ugly ass white woman? Looking like skeletor n shyt. I expect us to see Michael Jackson in a purple cloak n shyt within a few years, tryna take over Castle Gray skull... watch.

MsP: I would never think of doing that, slapping MJ, that is. Was there ever a moment in time where someone said something really profound when you weren't expecting him or her to? Have you ever shocked yourself?

Slaus: I remember back in the day when I was the typical knucklehead, my Uncle Keith told me: Obstacles exist only when you take your eyes off of the goal. Girl, that shyt has defined my life ever since. That and the biggie Lyric: Damn right/ If Their heads right/ Biggie there ery night! That's real. Shyt I have shocked myself plenty of times when thinking of funny things to say. Lot's of it I don't think will ever see print. It's some shyt i'd hav to save for the stage or something.

MsP: Speaking of Biggie, did you like it better when we called Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy or Diddy?

Slaus: Ion't care if that negro wanna be called captain Kookoocachoo. GIVE US ANOTHER BIGGIE CALIBER ARTIST DAMMIT! And make Sean John clothing comfy in a 3XL bytch! Diddy ass diddy.

MsP: Of the stories you tell, I see you've done a lot of crazy things on your lifetime. What's the craziest thing you've ever done for sex? For money? Have you ever had sex for money?

Slaus: LOL Oh snap! Good question! I've never fugged for money. Other than Ron Jeremy, who the hell is paying a fat man for dick? That's just un-American, unsavory, and foolish. Back in the day though, I did have my boys let the air out of a chicks tires, so she had to stay over for the night. The ass was terrible. I was ready to take my ass outside at 4am with a fuggin bike pump and a set of full lungs, to put the air in that heffas tires so she could bone the fugg out.

MsP: How many times have you been arrested again?

Slaus: Uhm my momma aint gonna read this right? Momma, take yo ass on and do something productive! Ok. Like 4 times. Inciting a riot, lewd behavior, fighting, contempt of court.

MsP: Inciting a riot!? Lewd behavior!? Care to explain? (See what had happened was)…

Slaus: Yeah for real lol. What had happened was.. me and my boys were down in Mardi gras and we wanted to get beads like the chicks were. SO we figured we’d take our jibbys out, and let the women play ring toss. Cops arrested us for lewd behavior. I don’t know if it was the fact that 5 dudes had their jibby’s out, or the fact that this guy Corey had some redhead taking a picture of herself holding his bead adorned dack. Either way, we got arrested. We got those beads tho.

MsP: Have you ever felt breasts that felt like bags of sand?

Slaus: I’m a boob man. I think I’ve groped everything from a barely A to an E-cup. Shyt I remember this one love whose boobs were so big, her bra was prolly made by NASA. Size: Secret F n shyt. Kind of boobies where if you were chest sexin, you were not going to see your jibby poke out the other end... fo reaaaaal. Ego crushin but fun. But bags of sand? Nawl...

MsP: Ok so, Aretha Franklin titties or Oprah's? Would you hit it? Fanger it? Where’s Nupe when you need him???

Slaus: LOL What up Anonymous Nupe! Fanga Bang Productions baby! For real though? I’d be a gay ass gay, before I touch Aretha. Hell, I wouldn’t even know what was tiddy and what was belly or back fat rolled to the front. Hell to the no. And I would be afraid to grope Oprah, because I’m not even sure that sista is a human. I bet when no one is looking, she peels off her flesh and then she appears as just a being of light n shyt, like cocoon. Heffa just levitate about her mansion glowing to all be damned, sounding like that skull head astronaut villain in Scooby doo: Wooowooowoowoowowowoo.

MsP: Would you ever do the Angry Pirate to a female?

Slaus: LOL Not nevah! I’m not doing anything to jeopardize getting a repeat performance of a great blow job. If the Lord invented anything better than the Blow Job, she hid that ish for herself. I LOVE HEAD! I can for go sex, if the head includes the grand finish. Head is to Slaus, and spinach is to Popeye.

MsP: You once told me about a dream your friend had where he was playing offense to R Jay in a game of basketball, naked and he kept blocking the ball with his d*ck. Have you ever had any dreams like that? Have you ever had any dreams that made you go Oh Hell Nawl?

Slaus: I once dreamed I was giving Sailor Moon anal. How's THAT for fucked up! Who does that!? I boolshyt you not. It wasn’t really Sailor Moon, but it was someone dressed up LIKE Sailor Moon. I’m into some kinky ass kinky shyt, but that was ignant..... Wanna (Slaus’ wife) and I will prolly act that shyt out though. We have no good sense.

MsP: If Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse were the last two women on earth, which one would you have sex with?

Slaus: Hmmm I ain’t into blondes, and I love pale chicks with black hair. But Britney got more meat on her bones.... damn.. that's a toss up. Either way I wouldn’t tell anyone, AND I’d have to clean my jibby in hot bleach, holy water and cleansing waters of Lake Minnetonka.

MsP: Btw, boxers or briefs?

Slaus: A Fat man aint supposed to wear briefs under ANY circumstance! If you catch my fat ass in some tighty whitey ass briefs, you can kick my ass. But then again the real question is.. why are you seeing me in my drawls in the first place girl! I'd have to say Boxer or Boxer briefs. I do have some tighties for emergencies though, aint gone lie.

MsP: Well Slaus, that's about all the time I have with you. Any final thoughts before we wrap this thing up?

Slaus: Can I clone you when it's legal? Come onnn! Be a team player. All you need to know is your clone would prolly have to wear a Cheetara costume, and you can't have me arrested for whatever happens next. Clone's ain’t got rights. Seriously, thanks for having me here today baby girl! I usually don't comply with anything beige people ask of me, but you're aiight in my book. I won't even have you sent to the work camps when I’m ruler of the USA. Oh, and all of you folks out there need to read Oh Hell Nawl every damn day! And if that's too raunchy n ignant for you: just check in every week to Oh Hell Nawl and read the strips! Oh yeah, none of you heffas better try to come out the woodwork and say I’m the father of your baby neither. That's how episodes of CSI get started.

MsP: What this? You have something against us light people? Are you just mad because I have a better chance of being related to Obama??? Humpf, hater…

Slaus: Basically. That’s why I ain’t voting for Obama. I ain’t tryna allow the resurgence of the yellow negro, to happen under MY watch. Fugg.That. And besides, his lips dark as hale. How you gonna be that light but then have black ass black lips. Looking like the Crow n shyt. “ It can’t rain ALL the time!” Lol see.. saying shyt like that, is why I wouldn’t be friends with me. But nawl I love Beige people. Love my darkies to. I like everybody.

… but Dick Cheney.

If you really want to know...

Karrie b. did it, Poca did it and the folks over at Oh Hell Nawl did it. So Goddamn it, I’m going to do it too!

Go ahead, since I’m not famous, ask me anything…

How did I become so cool?

How many times have I had sex with a midget?

Am I wearing panties?

Why Be A Fame Whore?

It’s official, I’m never trying out for American Idol. Not that I can sing anyway, but God forbid I make it to Hollywood and then pictures of me booty butt naked, on Santa’s lap, in Tijuana start circulating the internet.

I mean does it really make a difference that Idol contestant David Hernandez stripped at a club called D*cks before trying out for Idol? Funny, yes. Relevant, not really. I don’t even watch the show and I still heard about this guy shakin’ his d*ck, for d*cks at D*cks. (hee hee) I guess things would be different if he were to start taking off his clothes live on TV, because I would totally pop some popcorn and tune in, but to my knowledge he hasn’t done this (yet). It just sucks for him, because now he will forever be known as the “D*cks guy”. (hee hee) I would hate it if for every time someone said the word penis people were reminded of me. Almost like how we associate the word vagina with Britney.

I still don’t get why people want to be famous. Especially today when the paparazzi chase celebs down like they are cattle. I don’t know about you, but I think I could make it through my day without knowing where Angelina Jolie took a sh*t or which vein Amy Winehouse’s used to get off.

I guess some celebs are just asking for it like Michael Jackson who looks like my 3rd grade science project, R. Kelly, who needs to be given to charity, (can’t he spend a summer in Africa or something?) and Paris Hilton who doesn’t have any talent, has no choice. (Hey, what are you going to do when your sex tape sells more than your movie?)

The only the plus side of fame (besides the money and the booze) is that I might find some sh*t out about myself that even I didn’t know. I just hope I don’t have any kids, relatives in the Klu Klux Klan or ambiguous body parts. That would be devastating. If I was famous, it would be just my luck I pick a wedgie in public, someone snaps a picture and it gets printed in IN TOUCH magazine with the headline, “Ms Puddin’ Has A Hemorrhoid Infection”. Honestly, if you dug deep enough the most dirt you would get on me is that I fart a lot and I have side burns.

Would you want to be famous if the only catch was the world got access to your deepest darkest secret?

Ms Puddin’s never had a d*ck in the booty and other stuff people find hard to believe

I bet a lot of you have been wondering, what happened to Ms Puddin’? Where is she? Why hasn’t she been posting?! (Or not). Well I’ll tell you (anyway) where I’ve been. In the refrigerator! Goddamn birth control got me actin’ all kinds of crazy. Only plus side to the pill is I now officially have boobs...

However, every little thing has me nerve sensitive. The damn faucet in the bathroom that drips constantly has been driving me crazy, Tyra Banks (seriously, who gets that excited over Vaseline?), people who wear sweatshirts and flip-flops at the same time, the penis, the superficial inability for people to recognize our diminishing economy.

And it doesn’t help that lately people have been asking me stupid sh*t. I guess I’m one to talk since I often spend time looking for my phone while I’m on it. Although, is it really necessary for people to continue to ask me the same question over and over again, expecting I will eventually change my answer into the response they are looking for? If it’s a yes or no question and I’ve answered no, more than likely, the answer is no. *gasp* I got into it with a customer at my job the other day, (because of the answer no) over a freakin’ veggie burger…

Customer: “Do you have a veggie burger?”

MsP: “No, I’m sorry we don’t.”

Customer: “You don’t have a veggie burger?”

MsP: “Nope, we don’t.”

Customer: “You really don’t have a veggie burger?”

MsP: “I'm sorry sir, but if you think that if you keep asking me a rephrased version of your question, a veggie burger will magically appear on our menu, you are mistaken. However, we do have a great Asian salad.”

Isn’t “NO” the same in like three or four different languages?

Then, I don’t even know how we got on the subject the other day, but one of my male coworkers could not grasp the fact that I’d never had a d*ck in the booty.

Coworker: “You’ve never tried anal sex before?!”

MsP: “Nope, never.”

Coworker: “Never!? Not even once when you were drunk or high?”

MsP: * strange look * “Um, no.”

Coworker: “You’ve never experimented? Not even once.”

MsP: “No! Gheezus!”

Why is this so incredibly hard to digest? If I died tomorrow, I’m not going to think to myself, (while I’m sitting in hell sippin’ a margarita), “Man, I sure wish that I would have gotten a d*ck in the booty before I got hit by that bus.”

Life is already hard, let’s not make it any harder on ourselves people!

* Goes back to fondling newly grown titties *

Party Pics!

I’m sorry guys. I’m a little hung over. So I can’t quite put into words what my birthday celebration was like. Fortunately, I do have some great photography from Saturday night. In fact my camera disappeared for half the night so there's even some extra ignant activity that was captured...

If you didn't already know, my birthday was last Tuesday and my coworker’s is this coming Tuesday, so we decided to do a joint birthday party at a club on Saturday. Our guest list was over 100 people and the majority showed up. All I’m going to say is that things got a little out of control…

I started the night out looking like the goddess/diva that I am and finished the night looking like a cracked out drag queen having a Lindsay Lohan episode. My black eye shadow eventually leaked underneath my eyes as alcohol seeped through my pores giving me a sweaty glow. And I accidentally broke the seal way too early...

…why does it look like I’m squeezin’? Even though my face makes it look like I’m takin’ a sh*t, I’m not. And when I wasn't running to that throne, here's me and the birthday boy in the VIP on our thrones... tongues out baby!!!

This is it for me. No more clubs for a loooooooong time...

*Please excuse the ignance that is this post. The intellect quality should be back up to par momentarily.*

The Angry Pirate

While I’m on the topic of supermanning hos, I have to go ahead and ask a question…

Fellas, I might seem a little bitter if you have been keeping up with my posts on the penis, but work with me here. Y’all do some stoopid sh*t. I’ll admit, us women might do some crazy sh*t, like pop up out of your bushes, sporting a wonder women costume, singing in a whiny ass voice Keith Sweat’s “Twisted”, (not that I have ever done that before) but at some point we have already established, good d*ck = a crazy ass b*tch.

So anyway, I’m at my friend’s house the other night and she has six male roommates, whom are all powered by the penis (men). One of the guys, Big M, was chillin’ with us in the living room, when I turned to the two of them and said, “I’m sorry but I have really bad gas.”

Big M gives me this look like I’m crazy. (I’ve only met him like twice, but whatever, it was a fair warning, right?) We all started laughing and he starts talking about how girl farts actually smell worse because they are so backed up from holding them in.

“I’ve never had a girl I’ve dated actually fart in front of me,” he said. Then he went on to describe how “perfect” his girlfriends have to be.

“One time I walked out on this girl right before we were about to have sex, because she had hair on her boobs,” he said. “It was like long and curly, like a pig’s tail. I just couldn’t do it.”

His comment switched our topic of conversation to sex (of course) and me telling them the true definition of supermanning a ho. And then Big M is like, “oh yeah, well have you ever heard of an angry pirate?”

“No,” I said, not quite sure if I really wanted to know what it was.

“It’s when a girl is going down on you and you’re about to cum, so you pull out and nut in her eye,” he said. “Then you kick her in the shin.”

He proceeded to stand up covering one eye with his hand while hopping up and down on one foot. “See, get it? She’s an angry pirate.”

Wait, hold up, just stop right there! So my question is, man you just nutted in my eye, why you also gotta kick me? Honestly, is that really necessary? I’m already mad I got juice in my face, but you gonna kick me in my shin???

See, get it? The penis is stoopid…