Friday, August 31, 2007

Am I Over Anal-lyzing?

“It’s only kinky the first time.”

I don’t know how many times a man has offered me the glorious opportunity to engage in some sexual anal action. I’ve lost track of how many times a man has whispered the romantic words, “let me put it in your butt” in my ear, but if I had a dollar for every time, I would be a rich woman. As many times as I get asked for some anal action, if I were to actually participate, my ass would be red and swollen. Similar to Miss South Carolina’s (such as) face when she crawled off stage.

Having never tried it, at this point I would rather lick the jam from in between a fat man’s toes than have a man stick his d*ck in my butt for some “sexual stimulation”. In fact, a man who wants to stick it in my butt, I’d question his sexuality. Go to the jailhouse and hit on the first man you see with a twinkle in his eye for all that nonsense.

I’m sorry to be such a debbie, but anal just doesn’t appeal to me. I mean if do get married I would most likely experiment with my husband. However, key words: IF I GET MARRIED shouldn’t be taken lightly.

I just don’t get it. I can’t imagine sticking anything in a hole that was designed for stuff to come out of. Why can’t a man just be satisfied with a BJ, some reverse cowgirl or something? Isn’t one hole enough? I mean you can stick it in my ear if you really want to. Maybe rub your d*ck in the crease where my knee bends, or something, that might do it. We can get creative. I’m open for suggestions. And no matter how unappealing anal sounds, I have also heard a few horror stories as proof to why it is not the best idea in the Kama Sutra.

Scenario 1) I once heard of this girl who let her man do her in the butt and she had chronic diarrhea for a week. Scenario 2) I also heard from friend, of a friend, of a friend that her man stuck it in her butt and it ripped all the skin from her vagina to her butt hole. She ended up screaming and hollering all the way into the emergency room, her boyfriend walking sheepishly behind her.

“They didn’t know what they were doing,” said a guy friend of mine. “You just can’t ram it in there. You have to get lots of lube and ease it in with care.”

Oh no. I’m not falling for that one again. What do I look like? A young, sweet, innocent and naïve girl who could easily be taken advantage of? I got the same justification about the first hole and I still have to remind guys this isn't a pussi marathon. Slow down! So there is no way I'm going to believe all that mumbo jumbo about the second hole being a piece of cake.

And what if his d*ck is as big as ManDingo? Then what? I'll be waddling around like a duck split in two pieces (places). I don't know what scares me more about the back door, not having tried it or the fact that everyone tells me once I try it I'm going to love it. And like I said before I'm down to try new things, but I don't want my curiosity to get the best of me.

Omg. All this over anal-lyzing is giving me a headache...

24 comments:

So@24 said...

i think i cringed during 3/4s of this entry. how rough it is to be female.

i dont think all guys want anal... in fact, i'm pretty easy to please. i'm thanking my lucky stars for a blow job. "you really want to put this... in your mouth? damn. ok. thanks!"

what's the matter? unable to find an image on google of a duck split in two??

MsPuddin said...

so@24- I thought it would be better to leave most of the images in this post to the imagination...

MsP

Bella said...

This was too funny (and so true!)

:)

phishez_rule said...

Either your up for it, or your not. And there's nothing a guy can do to change your mind.

Though they do try.

Tara said...

hey its tara, here is the website i was talking about where i made the extra summer cash.......... the website is here

BottleBlonde said...

HA! I feel the same way you do. Even if it means I'll never date again, I refuse to let a wang violate my rump.

Not.gonna.happen.

... unless he's really, really rich.

MsPuddin said...

bella- I only speak the truth

phishez_rule- and try, and try, and try etc.

tara- ok

bottleblonde- hmmm…I never thought of that. Money might be a good bribe…

Diarrhea of the Mouth said...

once when i had anal sex the guy said to me:

"you have the cleanest asshole ever"

i dind't know what to say to that.

Cunning Linguist said...

I don't think we want it for any specific reason other than you don't to be honest with you. I believe if you came to us at every turn asking for the naughtiest of naghties we'd be repulsed. "This girl is a freak. I better get out of here before she turns into an axe murderer or something". I mean sure, I'd like to test that theory just once in my life and why not. I have a few bucks more than the average guy ( bottleblonde ). But no. Gimme the straight on make the bedposts drive themselves into the wall shimmy and I could care less about the rest. Well, maybe a sandwich after would be nice, but that's perhaps asking a bit much. :)

G-Sweet said...

Great topic FBP... but to put an interesting spin on this... I've actually had (on more than 1 account) a women offer me the "ass" (the other ass... lmao)... can't say I'm into that... yet... I mean it just seems like a "shitty situation" (pun intended)...

I'd only get into that type of freaky-ness if my mate wanted it otherwise I'm like leave that be... and how do u approch this, like what do u say and what do u think a woman is gonna say?

Anywho I think a larger amount of women are into it than most would think!... hey FBP u might be missin out...hahaha!

Smitty said...

Quit being a prude and give up the ass! ...jk They call "ass" the "other pussy" I can see how this might be fun for the guy but I have yet (until recently) met a woman who wants some anal play. I think more women are into that than you think. Try a thumb in the butt during doggy 1st....then graduate to the mandingo.

MsPuddin said...

diarrhea of the mouth- I’d take it as a compliment. Better than him asking, “do you wipe?”

cunning linguist- hmmm…so if I ask for it, then he won’t want to do it? No way. Sounds like a catch 22…

G- I try to keep things interesting. I don’t know if I’m missing anything. That’s like going downtown every Friday, then staying one Friday home. Am I REALLY missing anything if I don’t go OUT that one Friday?

smitty- even a thump sounds painful. I don’t know maybe that whole stretches more than I thought it did…

The Cajun Boy said...

you just need to be broken in baby. there is much pleasure to be derived from the anal arts. a little pain at first is def worth it. you just need to find a man who will nurture you in to shape back there without busting you open.

you know where to find me...

MsPuddin said...

CB- I love it when you talk dirty!

anonymousnupe said...

Anal looks like it takes too much work to get in and get out every time without anyone gettin' hurt. But, back in the day (haven't partaken lately) I have been known to engage in a little a tongue-in-cheek action. Drove. Women. Nuts. (And drove them to the nuts, as well.)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I would think diarrhea would act as a natural lubricant and make insertion easier.

unique_stephen said...

remember, a girl got a be GGG

MsPuddin said...

anonymousnupe- “tongue-in-cheek action” oh please do tell. I don’t think I’ve heard of this…

mighty dyckerson- sounds messy, but it does solve one fear, if a guy was into that sort of thing…

unique_stephen- I got to find the right man (or a whole lot of liquor) for all this GGG nonsense…

don said...

Good topic.

I always hear the homeboys talking about how they are into anal sex with their females, but I cannot bring myself to engage in any type of anal sex whatsoever. Never even think about it really. It surprises me that a real woman would allow a man to put his thang in her butt. And to be honest, I too have to truly question the sexuality of a man who wants to have sex in a butt.

MsPuddin said...

don- I like you.

Attorneymom said...

I totally agree with you. Any man that wants to stick you in the butt has homosexual tendencies. The behind is an exit not an entrance. And we want to know why the AIDS epidemic is growing. You all need to stop learning how to have intercourse from demonic porn videos. God deliver us from perversion.

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