Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Contemplating a gym membership...

I think the dryer in my building is out to get me.

Every time I wash and dry my jeans, getting dressed becomes a process.

I spent fifteen minutes this morning hopping up and down trying to get into a pair of skinny jeans. Then I spent another five minutes lying on my bed with a pair of pliers trying to get the zipper to stay up. (Yes, I keep pliers in my top drawer, right next to Mr. Pink). I made the mistake of standing up before buttoning the top button, but after a few more minutes of struggling, I gave up altogether and left it hanging open.

Ok, so I haven’t been to the gym in um, well (in dog years) lets just say (minus the one night I passed out at 3 a.m. and couldn’t wake up the next day, carry the two…) rounded off to about a month. Yeah sure, about a month sounds right…

Even so, why is that top button even there? And what is this phenomenon with skinny jeans and other fashion trends that are way beyond not flattering?

It’s 2007 and people are still for some godforsaken reason wearing leggings. I’m really curious as to whose bright idea it was it to bring back such a horrific fashion trend. I already suffered through a decade of spandex, bright colors and weird long pointy shoes. Next thing I know, people are going to be sporting Hammer pants, with a side ponytail wrapped in a scrunchie singing, “Can’t Touch This” or “My Prerogative”.

In all honestly my prerogative would never be to touch anyone wearing Hammer pants. Ever.

My real problem with this movement of tight pants is that not everyone looks like a 6’0 tall top model, who gets paid to wear them. In case anyone wanted to know my logic behind all of this, I went out of my way and did some observational research. The results I came up with are astoundingly irrefutable, as it is scientifically impossible for skinny jeans to look good on everyone.

I mean I could pull them off myself. On a good day. With a pair of pliers after some Olympic stretching, but getting dressed and looking good shouldn't be so stressful.

I would like to thank whoever invented those baby doll t-shirts, because without those I would never be able to wear my skinny jeans. I know they make me look nine months pregnant, but if people had the option of seeing me wear those shirts or my beer belly, I'm sure they would go with option A.

12 comments:

NYCPonderings Chick said...

ahh the skinny jean, not enough of my hatred can be spewed into the skinny jean...skinny jeans make those VS models look bad i mean common people...the leggings though I do have to say are pretty comfty...but I hear ya its like being one step away from the skrunchy (sp?)...LOVE you dancing around to my perogative..and not the britney rendition

Captain Smack said...

Whatever you do, don't sign up with Gold's gym. God, what a nightmare, that company is sooo unbelievably shady.

country roads said...

Nice job working in the songs there... :-)

I prefer a bit of a beer belly to skinny jeans any day! I've never seen someone that can make them work. Never.

Just a Girl said...

i say we kill the person who brought the skinny jeans into fashion. death to the inventor of hamer pants as well!

MsPuddin said...

NYC chick- skinny jeans make VS models look to skinny and the rest of us look pudgy, not flattering. I wonder if I dance in my skinny jeans to can’t touch this I might lose a few lbs?

Smack- LOL what happened?

cr- so I’ve been told—a beer belly + skinny jeans = not hot

just a girl- I’m down! I’m all for killing that person or force them to wear skinny jeans and eat...

blog Portland said...

I would wear nothing but my underwear if it weren't for elastic waistbands.

MsPuddin said...

Blog Portland- yes I am waiting for the day I can leave my house in the nude and not end up somebody’s b*tch…

-for the record, none of the photos in this post are of me…

Captain Smack said...

Ok, I'll tell you. This may take a moment.

First of all, getting a membership is like buying a car. The paperwork... I should have known not to sign up with a gym that has such a long and detailed contract, with tons of legalese and confusing wording.

I mean... it's just a gym. A big room with exercise equipment. Why can't I just come and work out? I wasn't trying to marry the the place.

I ended up getting a weight bench for Christmas, and decided to cancel my membership. They said I couldn't unless I was moving to a place that had no Gold's gyms. So I told them that I was moving back to New Orleans, which, incidentally, does not have a Gold's gym. In fact, there are none in the whole state of Louisiana. So when I got the forms to fill out, they said that these forms were merely for a "request" to cancel, and that they reserved the right to reject that request for any reason whatsoever. That was just the beginning of my journey through a bizarre labyrinth of paperwork, phone calls, and registered letters that ultimately got me nowhere. It was surreal. Their system is specifically set up to not ever let you get out of a contract, ever. Their whole business model is based on this. They're almost as bad as HMOs.

Wow, I really went on and on, didn't I?

MsPuddin said...

captain smack- It’s ok I asked.

You should have got a gym membership prenup, that way when you met the other woman (your bench) you could have gotten your money back… sucky situation sorry to hear that.

BottleBlonde said...

You are a funny girl!

And, skinny jeans are the work of the devil.

MsPuddin said...

bottleblonde- karma. I must have done something to somebody somewhere…

c j. said...

pair the jeans with the baby doll and a pair of knee-high boots. the flat kind, not the stiletto kind. you'll make do with no gym for, i don't know, until skinny jeans come back again.