Monday, April 21, 2008

Single and Sober

I went to my friend’s engagement dinner/congratulatory party/death sentence on Friday and there wasn’t a bar. We toasted the soon to be bride and groom with sparkling apple cider. Boo.

Yes folks it’s gotten to the point in my life where if someone tells me their pregnant I can say, “congratulations!” instead of, “Oh sh*t, what are you going to do?” And when someone announces an engagement I have to show up and pretend to care. Well, deep down I do care. I’m really happy for my friend, but engagement parties and baby showers are not really my forte. I prefer something a little more erotic and captivating, with a bar.

There is nothing like a Friday night, mingling sober with other singles who ask you stupid questions like, “when are you getting married?” Well, you have to have something called a man to get married to first, genius.

Then I started to panic. Why am I single? Should I go to the Humane Society to start picking out my 20 cats now? (Naw, f*ck that, I hate cats). Could it be that I’m greedy klutz who has no idea what she wants? Eek! My disastrous dating past started flashing through my mind…

I remember this one time, when I used to date this one guy, (and this one time, at band camp) I was over at his house waiting for him to get off of work. On the coffee table there was a giant glass bowl of M&Ms. Instead of reaching and grabbing just a few M&Ms, my greedy ass went and grabbed the whole bowl. The glass crushed in my hand. (Stupid cheap bowl, grrr). M&Ms flew everywhere and my hand started squirting blood.

I called 911, but they wouldn’t give me any medical advice over the phone and it wasn’t serious enough to call an ambulance. So with blood running down my arm, I quickly picked up all the M&Ms and glass. When he came home about ten minutes later he had to help me get the circulation back into my hand, which had turned a nice shade of blue.

Another time I was dating this other guy (not at band camp) and right before he came over, fatty ate a whole package of red licorice. When he got there we got into this discussion of things we liked and disliked in the opposite sex. One of his vices was when girls threw up, it was a turn off to him. Needless to say, not too soon after that conversation, all that red licorice kicked in and I started projectile vomiting (uncontrollably) a funky red liquid all over him.

Oops my bad. :(

The first time I had sex with my ex, I had stuffed my bra with socks. Usually when I (would *ahem*) stuff my bra I’d do the quick pull out when nobody’s looking. Unfortunately that night I wasn’t quick enough and when he felt me up, he found my thick ass socks. (On the plus side he did end up wearing them to work the next day).

Dating sucks. So do engagement parties without alcohol. I don’t see what the big deal is about being single. I’m enjoying this thing called life people!

MsP

56 comments:

Eb the Celeb said...

lmao @ you not being quick enough to get the socks out... whew I would have loved to see his face... I am just happy that all my friends have babies but arent married so I havent had to do the million bridesmaids dresses thing!

maverick said...

@lol abt d socks thing....u really did that eh????

MsPuddin said...

lol why is everyone trippin off the socks thing...?

c.watson said...

I remember throwing up infront of my boyfriend (good times), he was kind enough to hold my hair back even though my drunk ass kept telling him to leave and that I didn't want him to see me that way. When he turned to get me a hair tie I started crying and screaming in my whiniest voice "Where are you going!?! Don't leave me!"

MsPuddin said...

haha, that happened to a friend of mine, but while she was throwing up she also farted. I swear this happened to a friend...no really Im serious...

oestrebunny said...

I can't believe that there was an engagement party and no bar.

i.can't.complain. said...

at least the socks were functional.

padding for u.

warmth and utility for him

sucks on the lack of alcohol.

i would've loved 2 hear about how u and your friends got nice at the engagement party and tried to stuff the cake under your tank tops.

maybe next time

-1-

sequined said...

Engagement parties without alcohol can be bad (was there at least food, though?) but I think a wedding reception without booze is like criminal. My friend is marrying this douchebag with a trust fund and they're thinking an open bar is "too expensive." If you want your friends to come pretend to be happy for you, you'd better pay for me to get drunk.

Eating an entire package of licorice sounds like a good idea until you do it. And then it sounds horrible. Your singleness provides your blog readers with more entertainment, so there's a silver lining.

Canon Adonis said...

are you really enjoying the "single life?" Really? didn't you see your friend all goofy and cheesy and shit and say "Wow, that's swell. I want that in my life!"

sike, but I feel you though. even with as much lovey-dovey I've been talking as of late, I'm SO skeptical of actually going through with a MARRIAGE... I'd much rather free-ball it than actually buy a ring.

Hadassah said...

Single is the best thang tht can ever happen in woman's life in my opinion

i tagged you!

Canon Adonis said...

hadassah wtf? you be taggin everybody I'm taggin... fuck it, I'ma swerve on you P, but I originally tagged you too

Jocular Schlemiel said...

I dunno how he can be turned off by a chick yacking. People vomit. It's life. Get over it. If anything, he deserved to be on the receiving end of it.

The Doggy Did It said...

What kind of sick, cheap ass mofos do not have booze at their engagement party?? I would have left, there should be a law that says, I do not have to watch you two all in love and happy, without copious amounts of hard liquor.

Suite B said...

One side of me is laughing so hard then the other side of me is like wait one freakin second I better make sure I don't have any engagement parties without alcohol or any bridal showers without alcohol for that matter (I hope Lea78 & Nicole, Inc. read this and take notes). Please whatever you do, don't get 20 cats and please don't rush to get married, this wedding thing is too much money plus you can always just shack up and have a lot of kids

Please stop witht he socks now...they do have push-up bras now!

Still_Pocahontaz said...

LMAO at him wearing the socks the next day.....you are so silly. Be patient with love, when you are least expected your knight and shining armor will appear

Pronto said...

That's all hilarious.

I don't even know where to start!

I think you had me at licorice...

KIKI said...

Ok...so first of all...are you saying that "OMG what are you going to do?" is an INAPPROPRIATE response to someone saying their pregnant?! Huh...go figure...

And I love the fact he wore the socks the next day! Shyt, he was porlly in love after that...gave him some lovin AND kept his feet warm!! What man wouldn't want that? LOL

And all I know is this engagement party isn't being thrown by any of my family members. Hell, my cousin is pissed off with all of us right now because her baby shower next month has turned into a full blown party wit likka & a DJ! Everytime she starts to complain, some family member just tells her to shut the hell up...like we wanna be sittin around for 4 damn hours sober lookin at each other!

Iont think so...

Opinionated Diva said...

lmao @ dude wearing the socks the next day! too stupid!

I'm mad at having the engagement party and not being able to toast with REAL drinks! What's a party without some drinks?

Miss Mika said...

LOL @ the guy wearing your "boobs" the next day. That is classic.

*mental note* Make sure to have alcohol at engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, and reception. I will make sure all the bases are covered.

Diva said...

your dating life is extremely funny! I wish mine were that interesting. I just loose interest really quick. And If there is no alcohol involved during the date, why even go!

~DIVA

Sabina said...

His turnoff was when girls throw up? Is that the kind of thing some guys are turned on by?

Don said...

@ my age, dating definitely sucks. it's alright but its so much of the same ol' same ol. seriously.

not ready for a relationship though.

i'm trippin' where you said dude found your socks and turned around and wore them to work the next day. lol.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

dont worry hon, u will snatch some man off his feet, albeit they shoulda snatched yo azz long ago

anonymousnupe said...

You betta hurry up and find you a Mr. Puddin'. You heard that the life expectancy for women in the U.S. has dropped, right? Your time may be running out. Granted, you don't smoke and you're clearly not obese (assuming that's you in all the pics you keep rolling out), but the way you drank proly erases any advantage you have from avoiding those other two vices. I’m just sayin, P. I love you!

Pronto said...

And,

Would it be acceptable to 'restuff' after he had his use of'em?

Eeechhh.

MsPuddin said...

bunny- I know right! Wtf?

-1- yeah now I use cutlets, can’t go wrong with those, they are more discreet…

sequined- yeah there was food, but I would have preferred a margarita. She says there isn’t going to be alcohol at the wedding either…I’m contemplating going…

canon- if I get married we are having separate houses and bank accounts. I’m serious.

had- are you two really arguing over who tagged me? Canon I don’t even see your tag…

joc- yeah he was a lot older than me at the time, so maybe it was for the best…

doggy do- ok! or at least some drugs, they could have offered me drugs…

suite b- yes note to self: have alcohol at all engagement/parties that have to do with the word wedding…

poca- I thought he did, but he turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil. Boo.

pronto- go ahead, laugh all you want…man that licorice was good at the time though…

kiki- lol yeah I still am like oh no! why did you go and do that?

yeah he called me and was like thanks babe, I didn’t have any clean socks.

Damn can I get in on your family, because a baby shower with booze AND a DJ sounds like a party! Sure, sure, go ahead and unwrap 100 bags of diapers, I’ll be over here getting my grown woman on…thanks.

op diva- ya feel me! Yeah see I need another man like that, sort of, teamwork, baby, teamwork…

miss mika- aight if that’s the case I’m there!

diva- I do too, for some odd reason guys don’t leave me after these scenarios, it’s usually for something else…huh

sabina- www.twogirlsonecup.com

don- yeah don I feel you. I loathe dating. Its like getting dressed up for torture. I’m ready, but whoever he is, I don’t know if he’s ready for me. Take your time don.

torrance- I like your thinking!

nupe- I know where he at? Oh lord, I don’t drink that much, only metaphorically. Love you too!

pronto- back so soon?

Don said...

lmfao @ getting dressed up for torture.

your email reply caught me off guard. i was walking and laughing out loud @ the same time. funny ish.

MsPuddin said...

@don yeah deulich's page does that to me too...I didnt mean to send it to your email, but I'm glad I had you lol

the old me said...

what kind of friends do you have that don't serve alcohol at the party.

swag_ambassador said...

LOL.. u a fool.

so was this tams? cause I wanted to go but I already had tix to the kanye west concert..

Verbal Vixen (T Caldwell) said...

lol - Puddin' you are crazy!

I threw up on a date. It was the first time I'd ever had alcohol, and I was drinking it like it was kool-aid.

But I was cool ... until we had sex. I guess all that bouncing and humping and tossing shook me up too much, because I ended up running my naked, sweaty butt to the toilet and was hugging it for a good 20 minutes or so.

That fool had the nerve to tell me to hurry up and get it all out so that I could come back to bed!

12kyle said...

U r wrong for the socks!!! LOL

I'm sure that when you meet that man (and you will)...you'll know it immediately. You've prolly seen enuf duds in your lifetime

Andrew Venegas said...

And I always thought the sock thing was just a wive's tale...

selina said...

at least your dating history was comical....

Canon Adonis said...

Puddin: I did tag you, but replaced you, just because we tagged like 3 of the same ppl and I wanted to switch it up... thats why I said I swerved on (the decision to tag) you

marky said...

socks in your bra babe? about that boobie job....

Afrodite said...

You've been tagged!

Monie said...

LOL! Are those stories true?

I tagged you, ma'am!

karrie b. said...

i think i'd need to be drunk to sit thru it.

-KB

Haute in LA said...

This whole post sounds like many a conversation my friends and I have…over vodka tonics…at happy hour…everyday. Damn them for NOT having drinks at that party. Who toasts with sparkling cider over the age of 25???


btw, I once threw up all over a guy during an "intimate moment," LOL

Phat Gurl Love said...

I'm married. **sigh** Sometimes I miss my whorin days...

Jadore.Tokeyo said...

lmao @ projectile vomiting!!! poor guy..

marriage is for quitters!!!!

MsPuddin said...

the old me- doesn’t matter, we re not friends anymore…

swag- oh yeah haha I saw JD too, he was tryna leave to go to a party in sac…

I heard the concert cracked!

Wanna- damn, you must have put it on him! You should have came back w your funky ass breath! Lol

12k- yes, I’ve seen enough!!! Arg.

andrew- oh, um it is, hehe…

selina- at least…

canon- oh ok, I just wasn’t good enough lol

marky- yeah about that…

afro- ;p

monie- yes they re true!

kb-um yeah ;p

haute- awesome, kudos for the sexy barf moment…

phat gurl- welcome! Yeah I wonder if after all this complaining if I will miss them too…

jadore- hello there! So is rehab…

Demon Hunter said...

ROFLMAO @ the socks deal. If a guy is dating you for the size of your boobs, you don't need him anyway. Don't stuff your bra...

Ms. P,
Single women live longer than married women, and married men live longer than single men. I still plan to get married though...lol.

Afrodite said...

Lmao! Oh my god! I thought I was clumsy, the broken bowl with the M&Ms take the cake. That's some greedy 'ish...

Da Vinci The Verbal Arteest said...

I was sooo on the floor laughing after reading this post.
At first I was gonna diagnose you and tell you that food and dating doesn't mesh well but then I read about the socks lmao.
I think that the single life would be great IF I could bring myself to have sex with numerous females who I don't have a commitment with. *shoulder shrugs* I've only done it like three times it doesn't feel right. I guess I have to build trust because of my affinity for giving head. Iono. BUT I DIGRESS
POINT IS: Leave them cats DA PHUCK alone you're man'll come lol.

eclectik said...

You
Are
The
Best

Heart.


e.

Diva said...

Open bar should be mandatory at every event. That's a fact.

Stew said...

this is my first time stopping by and i already know i will be a regular customer. this shit is funny as hell. seems as if you live a life full of fun.

MsPuddin said...

dh- thank you for that little tid bit…lol

afrodite- hey back up, lol, fatty was hungry..

da vinci- I’m glad your dying off of my sad life : ( lol yeah I’m sitting here waiting twiddling my thumbs, eating candy, damn…

e- *muAh!*

diva- hay mamas, how ya been?

stew- welcome to my spot! My life is a little crazy, but it works…

Des said...

MsP, you have the most interesting stories. :) Plenty of fish in the sea. At least, that's what I keep telling myself...

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

You have a great sense of humor! I laughed the whole time I read this blog...he wore your boob socks to work the next day...lol

CapCity said...

LOL@ dude wearing your tiddy-sox! LOL! Yea - ALL parties require alcohol -- esPECIALLY engagement parties. I think i need a flask - cuz i'd be mad az HAYL at a party/wedding with out alcohol!!

Baby Kiki Wallace, Reporter said...

:: dead @ the spewing of red liquid all over your date ::

too hilarious.

Krissyface said...

I love your outlook on the single life. You're hilarious. Glass and m and ms...that is awful! I once smashed my foot through a glass table at a boyfriend's house. But I was really drunk. Not a pretty picture.

Anonymous said...

Can anyone recommend the top Patch Management system for a small IT service company like mine? Does anyone use Kaseya.com or GFI.com? How do they compare to these guys I found recently: N-able N-central managed services software
? What is your best take in cost vs performance among those three? I need a good advice please... Thanks in advance!