Friday, December 18, 2009

All the things that Tiger did wrong: A guide to pimping hoes and being a billionaire without getting caught up...

...And not ending up killed by a crazy bitch you gave the A++ Dick game too. Which is a no no. Why you giving A++ Dick away all willy nilly? That shit is reserved for Christmas, Anniversary, and Festivus boo boo.

We all know everyone has a freaky side. Of course it's usually the ones we least expect it from who have a whole closet full of freak ass freak in them. Although it’s still hard to imagine Tiger Woods (of all people) saying, "I want to f*ck the shyt out of you, you dirty whore nigga lovin bitch. You want this Tiger dack down your throat? A healthy dosage of Tiger uppercut?", he sort of did. Kinky.

All professional athletes have hoes. Even Kobe has bitches. He just has smarter ones (with ID) under contract to shut them the f*ck up. Marrying a million dollar man, extra pussy is definitely and more than likely included. Does Kool-Aid need sugar? Thought so.

A bitch on the side will get everything her heart desires. She just has to work on two things: A quick kneel and silence. It's all about balancing and stabilizing the pussy on the side so there isn't any confusion or swinging gold clubs.

First of all, call your hoes through a burner (temporary, pre-paid cell phone for the urban illiterate) and never leave voicemails. The whole voicemail situation is baffling anyway. Where in the game do you wait for your hoes to call back? Exactly.

Messing with white crazy women will always get you in trouble. Invariably use black or minoritybroke or bougie women and keep them on payroll in order to keep the peace. Don't forget to change your number every couple months and have a rotation of five hoes every two months, only keeping one as your bottom bitch. Never, ever say, "I love you." Bottom line, don't get attached or catch feelings playa.

Throw lavish parties and invite your hoes. This ensures they sleep with other men you know and takes the heat off of you. Know when to cut contact for a few months ignoring hoes and keep the wife satisfied. One major thing Tiger made the mistake of was lying. You can't lie to women. If Elin is that naive of a woman he should have told her from the jump.

And last but not least do not get killed by your side piece or main lady!!!! NO! DO NOT DO IT! IT MAKES NO SENSE FOR THESE WOMEN TO LEAVE YOU SLUMPED AND LUMPED IN A CORNER!!!

Chris Henry

henry.jpg

“Fell” from the back of a pickup truck, killed by fiancé. Why did you jump in the Truck Chris? We know you got ups, but you argued with the WRONG one. Let her drive off, she’ll come back…you got money.

Steve McNair

McNair.jpg

Shot in the face by side piece. Why did you have a piece around your side piece Steve? Always strapped is a song, not a real lifestyle Steve. Plaxico went to jail. You got shot in the face. They getting rid of you nigras one by one in the NFL.

Arturo “Thunder” Gatti

Arturo-Gatti0402-0503c.jpg

“Hung himself” after an “altercation” with his wife. Police let her go. Why? Cause she was smarter than you Thunder. Shoulda used that thunder down under to subdue a bitch but noooooooooooooooooooo you snapped your own damn neck...

Playas, please have an entourage. I know pro ballers are dumb, but where are the nigra posses? Where is that illicit friend known for getting hoes in and out? See above all the advice given, get you some hanger-on’s that know how and when to do the things you should but can’t do because of endorsements and your squeaky clean image. Every good girl has a whore friend. Every nerd has a bad ass gangstalicious cousin. What happened to Tiger’s? Kobe’s? Shaq’s?

This is in no way advocating that people cheat or have extramarital affairs. Nope, not going down that road. You signed that dotted line, gave away your right to fuck random broads (except for Will and Jada. Weirdos, but smart.), tough it out anti-playa. But please be smart Mr. or Ms. pro athlete/rapper/local celebrity/lime-light. Because we will laugh at you. We’ll mourn you, but we’ll laugh. Trust.

In conclusion, there isn’t any true way to handle side pieces/jump offs/hoes/bitches/i.e. f*ck buddy. You can have an extra bff, string along Stedman, and let everyone believe that you’re bi. Or maybe, just maybe, be faithful to your wife/husband. Cuz Lord knows we need more of Ozzie Davis and Ruby Dee and less of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.

This post was written by MsPuddin, inspired by the thoughts of Rob Holliday (B.K.A rmhoffa, but uses his legal name since he’s on a radio show and HAD to put his freakin link right here.) You can also find it here, along with some more ignant shyt.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Ms Puddin' Not So Fierce

There was a time in my life when I really thought I was Beyonce. It didn’t really help my situation that people used to tell me, “Hey, you kind of look like Beyonce.” Which somehow translated in my mind as, “You look just like Beyonce. You sing and dance just like her. Can I have your autograph?”

Things kind of got out of control when I started dying my hair blonde and walking in longer strides. However, over time my love for Beyonce kind of faded (she is way over publicized, yet still talented) and I began to realize that I look nothing like her.

The icing on the cake was not too long ago when I sat in the front row of a Tommy Davidson stand-up show. Um, big mistake, because for about an hour he went off to the audience about how I look like Prince. He even busted out in some Prince-like dance moves singing, Kiss and cooed, I Would Die 4 You.

With the extra, “oooo-oooo-oooo”… *hangs self*

Now people often tell me I look more like Melyssa Ford or Rosario Dawson. I definitely don’t have Melyssa Ford’s body, but I’ll take it. And as far as Rosario Dawson, I used to think she was ugly, until people started telling me that I looked like her. Now I’m like, oh hell yeah I look like her! Dayumn, that girl is fione.

Readers, who are your celeb look-alikes?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Good B Job

I applied for some jobs on adultstaffing.com, which is a Web site catered to people looking for work in the adult entertainment industry. My interest in doing this sparked a while back after watching an episode of MTV’s ‘True Life’ entitled, ‘I Work in the Porn Industry’. There was a girl on the show whose job really intrigued me.

I know what you’re thinking and no, it’s not like that. My intentions were not to do any type of pornographic work including nude modeling, intercourse, Web cam teasing, escorting, none of those things came to my mind. I only applied for some of the behind the scenes ‘businesslike jobs’, like HR, management, etc.


Hey the girl on MTV sounded like she really enjoyed her job and made good money, so why not?

Unfortunately, the responses I’ve gotten in regards to my application (with a picture) have been endless opportunities to spread my legs instead of my intellect. So one could imagine my excitement when I received an email the other day that started out like this…

“I am VERY interested in interviewing you as my personal assistant. I currently run a large well respected escort agency, and am working on building and developing an adult video production / content for an internet company, real estate, and national call center. Relocation is not necessary, if you are willing to travel a few times a month. I can be very flexible with scheduling and of course all travel and hotel costs are paid in full by me...I have a very real need of a personal assistant to help me continue to build and run my "empire".”

As long as the word ‘agency’ is in the same sentence as ‘personal assistant’, I’m down. However, I was only excited until about halfway through the email, which somehow turned into this…

“I am also looking for someone just as good UNDER the desk as they are above it. I think this should be fun, profitable, and a physically enjoyable endeavor… Physically: Insatiable Woman, Strong desire to please, Attractive, Loves to show off her body, revealing clothing, teaser, pleaser, sexual, orally fixated lol, ready to “go”, anytime, anywhere, any place, and OFTEN!”

My big opportunity shifted from immense potential into a really bad personal ad on craigslist . *cringes* And did this guy just use ‘lol’ in a business email? I guess everyone has to give head to get ahead in the adult industry. Personally I don’t mind getting paid under the table, but I definitely don’t want to work down there.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Big Black Taco

I was driving to work this morning when my thoughts were interrupted by a Taco Bell commercial. Taco Bell’s new ‘Black Jack Taco’ commercial to be exact. The words, “Black eye, black sheep, black jack, black taco,” were cooed into my ear over some dance music.

I don’t have cable so it was up to my imagination to decipher what they meant exactly. However, when ‘black taco’ is whispered into my ear like that, there are only a few places my mind will take me. So yes, for a brief moment my mind went there. And all I could do was hope the ‘black taco’ didn’t come with sour cream, and condoms. (Which I found out it doesn’t, thank God.)

After my perverted mind came back into reality I became slightly offended. Either their marketing team needs to get laid or fired. I know the economy is bad, so I’m not going to be the person to write the angry black taco letter to headquarters to get someone fired. However, there is no way to incorporate the color of the taco shell into that ad without being offensive.

Some things are just better left unsaid. Black, red, white tacos all just sound wrong. Can’t it just be a taco? Why must they associate color with it. Ok yeah I get that it’s physically black, I can see the damn thing, but come on. I can’t help but give the side eye when the message of their slogan is basically, ‘come eat our 89 cent black taco’…

*Pulls out black card in one hand and misogyny card in the other*

I’m just sayin…

Here is a version of the ad:

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Saturday, October 17, 2009

My Friend Jon, The Ex Con

I'm a pretty social person when I want to be. I go places. I'm friendly. I make friends. *halo*

Well recently I might have been a little too friendly. Walking home from dinner with the bf, we saw some dude on the corner holding this sign...

I was impressed, thought it was catchy, hoped he made a buck or two. And of course I asked for a picture to put on my Facebook page, because what is the point of seeing something like that if you can't put it on Internet blast? Right? Right.

Anyway, a couple weeks later I was walking downtown and I see a guy holding up another impressive sign...

(Sign reads: "Will work for female relations, cash, car, tools, clothes, a job, apartment and anything else you wish to help my sorry non-having butt with.")

I stop and I said to the guy, “Hey, I saw a guy a couple weeks ago with another interesting sign (whipping out my cell phone to show him the picture) and I think you've got yourself some competition.”

“Hey that's me,” he said, pointing to the picture of him holding the 'ex con' sign. Ohhhhhh. Good thing I'm so perceptive.

“Well I put it on my Facebook page,” I told him, not sure of his reaction.

“Really? Cool,” he said.

Turns out his name is Jon. I'm not sure why exactly why he sits on the corner with crazy signs. The "ex con" thing might be a subtle explanation, but I'll have to get the full scoop one of these days.

I saw him again for a third time with his fiancée on Wednesday.

“Hey babe, this is the girl who puts my pictures on Facebook,” he tells her proudly, as I snap their picture...

I'm mad at the stoge in her hand and after all his 'female relation' signs this girl suddenly pops up. However, I also love happy endings ;0 Good luck to my new friend Jon, the ex con and his girl.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Introducing Marques Anthony: “R&B’s Best Kept Secret”


I found an upcoming artist via Twitter and I thought I’d share him with you since music is ruining my life right now. And he's kind of cute ::wink::wink:: Introducing (in his own words) “R&B’s Best Kept Secret” Marques Anthony


MsP: So Marques Anthony, you’re a fresh and new R&B artist with the hot single ‘Cloud 9’. Tell me what your first single means to you and how it came about?

MA: My first single represents my weekends! Most people work very hard during the week to provide for their families and the means to survive. However, when Friday comes it gives you a sense of relief, enough to where you can relax and enjoy your weekend! ‘Cloud 9’ represents freedom, comfort and fun!!

MsP: What is your inspiration or also some of your favorite R&B/musical artists?

MA: Some of my inspirations are my family, friends, and all my haters! Those are the things that keep me working with such a pure passion for music! My favorite R&B artists would have to be Jamie Foxx, Tank, Usher, Baby Face, Dave Hollister, Joe, etc.


MsP: I know a lot of people are not too happy with the direction of music lately. What is your take on R&B and Hip Hop today?

MA: I think music right now is just a trend. If the beat is hot then you can pretty much say whatever you want and make a hit. “It has no substance”, as Jamie Foxx would say. I personally don’t like it at all because you can’t feel what the artists are saying anymore either. You can put on Dave Hollister's album, Chicago 85, and feel what he's going through in the song!

MsP: What do you think your distinct style will bring to your genre of music?

MA: When you listen to my music, I sing songs about different situations I have gone through that I know everyone can relate too. I want people to be able to feel the emotions when they listen to my music.

MsP: How is it working with Jamie Foxx as an artist and on Foxxhole Radio Show?

MA: Working with Jamie Foxx is like working with a family member! Jamie has always treated me like family and still does! He is the most down to earth celebrity you will ever meet!! Working with him on the Foxxhole as well as singing Background vocals on the "Blame It Tour" has truly been a blessing. Thanks to Marcus and Jamie King, who are Jamie's Manager's as well as my Godparents!

MsP: What artist(s) would you like to work with in the future?

MA: I would love to work with any artist who is willing to be different and get music back to the way things use to be!! A change is what I want to see in the music business!

MsP: Just out of curiosity, since it was such a big deal for a moment. What was your reaction when Kanye West jumped up on stage at the VMAs during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech?

MA: Too much Hennessy before the show started!!

MsP: With fame comes a price and that price is usually your privacy. People will be all up in your mix. What is one thing you are not willing to give up for the price of fame? Or are you willing to risk it all?

MA: I am not willing to risk losing my family as well as losing the respect of my home town!! I think that is one of the best feelings ever when you’re able to go back home and your hometown loves you more than any other place in the world. To have the respect of those you grew up with and people who raised you is better than being in any magazine or on any TV show!

MsP: I read in your bio that you had some pretty rough times to get where you are today. What was one of your hardest struggles to get where you are?

MA: It was very rough for me coming up in this music business! My first two years in LA I really didn’t have much of anything. I was sleeping from couch to couch and catching rides where ever I needed to go!

MsP: Was there a moment that made you almost give up on your dreams?

MA: I had a many nights where I cried myself to sleep only because I knew I couldn't give up on my dreams, which kept me going day after day!

MsP: Do you feel you’ve reached your potential musically?

MA: I know I haven't reached my full potential as an artist, but I’m on my way and I won’t stop until I get there!!

MsP: Do you have any performance rituals? Ex: stretching, finger aerobics, lots of alcohol, etc.?

MA: I do have a performance ritual, but I can’t tell you what that is!! ::LOL:: You gon’ have my secrets out there in the streets!! ::LOL::

MsP: Ohhhh ok (I’m afraid)::LOL:: But, moving on. Of course the ladies are at least going to want to know what Marques Anthony’s status is. Are you single or taken?

MA: For the record I am single right now!

MsP: R&B is universal for often expressing the emotion of love. Do you do that through your music?

MA: There’s only so much you can say in public though, if you know what I mean…

MsP: Have you ever been in love?

MA: (Smiley Face) Yes, I have been in love before! Love can either be some of the best moments in your life or some of the worst.

MsP: How would you seduce a woman? Or do you prefer to be the one getting seduced?

MA: If I can’t seduce you with the truth, then I’m no good. At the same time, I love to be seduced if she knows what she is doing!!!

Did you hear that ladies? Hint. Hint.

MsP: Beyonce or Rihanna?

MA: If it was me I would take Beyonce's voice and dancing abilities, combine them with Rihanna's looks and swag and get married!! ::LOL::

MsP: Ok and on that note that about wraps this up. Shout out to Janae Trevillion for setting this up. And good luck to you Marques Anthony.
MA: Thanks.

You can go to iTunes or Google ‘Marques Anthony Music’, which will link you to all the Web sites where you can download his music.

If you’re interested in reaching out and connecting with Marques Anthony, find him via
http://twitter.com/marquesanthony, Facebook ‘Marques Anthony’ or myspace.com/Marquesjones21.
MsP

Monday, October 5, 2009

Accessorizing Your House = FAIL

I was minding my own business today. Really I was. I was just sitting in my cube, drinking my tea and working. Yes, actually working. That was until someone sent me this…

What the fuck is this? Extreme Makeover: Hood Edition? I know if somebody did my house like this I would scream in horror instead of excitement. Louis Vuitton is cute as a purse, ok on your nails and just borderline wtf-are-you-doing on the inside of your car, but this shit right here???

*extra side eye*

Please feel free to throw in a few words, a caption, an explanation, etc…

Monday, September 21, 2009

Hood Summer Fest 2009

So I went to a pool party @ the Clarion yesterday. * crickets * I know, that should have been my first red flag. I was lucky they even had a pool. It was a hood fest in its entirety. Clear plastic heels, fake Louis Vuitton and the guys came in groups of ten, dressed in plain white Ts with white towels on their heads.

There was a model contest. Let me rephrase that. There was a booty shakin’ contest. About 10 to 15 girls graced the stage (um box?) in their bikinis. Each one was announced by name and their hobby. I want to say that 90 percent of the hobbies had something to do with dancing, entertaining and possibly doing the splits.

All this happened within the first hour. I needed a drink. My boy was like, “Don’t trip, I got a bottle coming.” One hour later, in room 122 was a bottle of Hennessey, Patron and some cranberry juice. * side eye * I decided my best bet was the bar.

On my way back from the bar, I noticed some girl had decided to take a dip in the hot tub. She’s in the tub. Her fake ass ponytail was lying next to the tub. One of the 25 photographers at the party runs over, snaps a picture and then literally picks up this random girl’s hair and throws it in the trash.

OMG. Yes. This actually happened...


Let me not lie, even though I felt like I was cast in Plies’ next music video, I was entertained. And on the plus side there were no kids there and no one got shot. However, I knew it was time for me to go home when I found someone’s fake tittie (cutlet) on the ground.

Shout out to Big Dave Presents, Socially Flyy , QB Chronicles and BigBootyRemy for the photo!! You know I love you guys. All press is good press :)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

DIVAS

I’ve noticed VH1 has been bringing back some of their classic shows like Behind the Music and DIVAS. I was definitely excited to hear that DIVAS was coming back this year. Remember the old school DIVAS, Whitney, Aretha, Mariah, Celine, Diana, Shaka, etc? There was nothing like some top selling female artists, with the biggest hair ever, trying to out sing each other.

It would start with Mariah singing, “I’m every womaaaaan!”

Then in comes Whitney, “No girl, nah uh, I’M everrrrrry womaaaaan,” belting even louder holding that note longer than Mariah.

Then in comes Shaka, to reinforce what Whitney just did singing, “It’s all in meeeeee!”


And while she’s singing, Mariah hits that high note putting everyone to shame. Diana is just on stage putting her big ass hair in everyone’s face and Whitney is in the background doing the ‘praise the lord’ shimmy.

* sigh *


Those were the music days I remember.

I was disappointed when I heard what the line-up was going to be for DIVAS this year. Kelly Clarkson, Jennifer Hudson, Leona Lewis, Miley Cyrus, Jordin Sparks and more. Ok VH1, I’ll give you Jennifer and Kelly, but Miley Cyrus? * side eye * Miley Cyrus is not a DIVA, will never be a DIVA, probably wasn’t even around when the original DIVAS aired.


*throws hands up in the air*

It might be too soon for Whitney, Celine is preggo, but I’m wondering if Beyonce and Christina were already booked? I know our music is in the shitter right now, but if Miley Cyrus and Jordin Sparks are the new DIVAS, this could be the beginning to the end of American music.


If you want to check out DIVAS , its Sept. 17th, 9/8 central, on VH1.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Another Bald Headed Beezy

I first heard about this from the folks over at Oh Hell Nawl! Solange knew the paps would be outside to capture that fuzz puff. The least she could have done for my eyes was worn a hat or at least gotten lined up with a design. Halle, Amber, Rihanna, etc. hella women cut their hair short and made it look good. Solange looks like she didn’t even attempt to pro-style the edges.

I want to sit here and clown that mess of a haircut, but I kind of feel bad.

In my opinion when women cut all their hair off it’s because they are really going through something. Even Amy Winehouse’s beehive recently got significantly shorter. And we all saw Brittney with the umbrella and the I’m-going-to-eat-your-babies-bitch look in her eyes.

Solange posted something on her twitter earlier today about how she had too much to worry about versus her hair. And that she was just taking her son to school. She said that she didn’t get a style, because her intentions were never to make any type of trend or statement.

Honey, that haircut says a lot. That haircut says pay attention to me now damnit! That haircut says I don’t really have a career, I live in my sister’s shadow and I don’t know where my life is going. Someone. Please. Help.

Whatever she is going through emotionally, understandable, we all have our days. However, financially? Shieeeet. Her sister is Beyonce and her brother-in-law is Jay-z. Please tell me they couldn’t toss this heffa a couple dollars to go get lined up???

Friday, July 10, 2009

Big Kickin' It At Target

Brought to you by the folks over at OHN. I hate you all...

In other news...

I went to Target on my lunch break today, in hopes of getting something classy for my ex boyfriend from high school as a wedding gift.
I felt kind of bad going to Target, but hey that’s where he’s registered and it’s my ex.

Once I printed out the registry and discovered the reoccurring theme of a losing football team, all shameful thoughts flew out the window.
Listed was, an Oakland Raiders Table Cover, an Oakland Raiders 4-pc BBQ Tool Set, an Oakland Raiders Bedding Collection and an Oakland Raiders Frosted Pint Glass Set.

I started cracking up as I sifted through the list with my eyes. Was he using this wedding as the opportunity to catch up on his favorite team’s collectibles? A visual of a man I once loved twenty years later on the couch with a beer belly and no motivation in life flashed through my mind.

It was right then and there I decided not to be stingy. Instead of going bitter and stag to his wedding, I was going to be happy and celebrate. This girl he was marrying could have him. I tossed the list and opted to buy the happy couple a bottle of wine...

On my way out the store, this guy who obviously worked at Target, with his red button-up and “Jeremy” Target badge shouted out to me.

“Hey, weren’t you the girl eating at the register last week?” He asked.

“I wasn’t eating, I was putting a cough drop in my mouth,” I said defensively.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were eating.” he said. “Are you a regular here or something?”

“Hahaha no, I just work across the street so its convenient.”

“Oh,” he said. “Do you work at that place across the street that sells Hammer pants?

*Crickets*

No, I do not sit in an office all day and sell MC Hammer merchandise! And if I did work there and you were looking for some sort of re-live the 90s "two legit" hook up Mr., it’s not gonna happen!

Wait. Hold up, time out. Is there really a place somewhere that just sells Hammer pants?

And just to clarify, I was NOT chillin’ at the Target cash register eatin’ a snack…

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

When karma punches you in the face...

I dub this as Perez Hilton's new theme song...



It would be irrelevant for me to go on a rant right now about Perez and his antics as of late. I'm not condoning violence or picking sides, but didn't he have it coming? And I'm sorry but that was a good ass whoopin' son. It's like all the nasty things he's ever said about other people swelled up in his left eye.

I really do hope he signs up for John Mayer's, "Never Call A Black Dude a Faggot Jitsu" class...

Friday, June 19, 2009

Vomit Water

Yo, I don’t know what happened, but I’m still here blogworld. Not quite sure where exactly, but here nonetheless. I think part of it has to do with the fact that I actually have to work at my job and the rest of it is just lack of motivation.

What brings me back here today is something awesome that happened to me this week and I thought I’d share…

About a week ago, my roommate and I noticed that the water wasn’t going down the drain in our bathtub. At first we both just looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders as if to say “oh well’, too lazy to call the landlord. However, when the funk at the bottom of the tub started to leech onto my feet while I was trying to take shower I knew I had to take action.

So the next morning I decided to call the landlord on my way to work. I usually make my roommate call, because after three years the landlord can still never seem to remember my name. I’m assuming a first name basis with someone guarantees better results. Anyway, I call her and tell her what the problem is and at first she tells me, “why don’t you just call somebody?”

Um I live in your apartment. I pay you rent. You are that somebody. (Although looking back now I should have took her advice). After spelling out my name and number for her a few times, she finally sets it up for her son to come and take a look at my tub. He usually takes care of things, so I figure when I get home everything will be copacetic.

Sometime during the day my landlord calls me and says that her son couldn’t fix the problem, to just call someone and foot her the bill. Ok? I get home and my bathroom looks like someone took everything out of its place and put it in a different place. And the tub is still clogged * sigh *.

I decide to wash the dishes while I wait for Roto-Rooter.

As I’m forcing some old Chicken Alfredo, spinach and chunks of other questionable food down my garbage disposal, I can hear something having to do with water in the background. I shut off the disposal, running water and hear again what sounded like a tidal wave and it’s coming from my bathroom…

I don’t know what my landlord’s son did in his efforts to “help”, but now not only was the tub clogged, but the water from my kitchen sink was being drained out of my bathroom sink! And it smelled... smelled like vomit. Vomit water and spinach was splashing everywhere, the floor, into drawers onto my personal things.

After Roto-Rooter left it took my roommate, and I and a ton of bleach, to clean the crusty vomit water out of our lives. The memory still haunts me. * shudder *
On the bright side, it could have been the whole apartment. And today my girl posted on her FB status that she had to call 911 because there was a snake in her house. My glass is half full of vomit water :)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Would you rather...

...be a single parent of 14...

...have eight kids and your partner cheats on you...

...or find out a child you've been parenting for years was never yours in the first place???

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Yes, Brett and I have a thing going on. Jealous?


* Disclaimer * This post only kind of has something to do with Brett Michaels


Well I was going to write a post on the Swine Flu, but even I’m sick (figuratively) of hearing about it.The only thing I was worried about when I first heard of the “pandemic spread” was whether or not I could still eat bacon. And as long as no one sneezes on it, I can. Problem solved, next topic.

In other ‘personal’ news, the ex randomly texted me at work today…

The ex:“Who’s Brett?”

MsP: “Michaels?”

The ex: “No, lmao, not Brett Michaels. Are you dating a Brett?”

MsP: “I’m sorry, what is to you who I date?”

The ex: “I can sense that you’re still angry. Why don’t you blog about it, it might make you feel better.”

*Side eye*

Rest assured I’m not going to directly comment on that conversation, because similar to the time not to long ago when he called me to get his Method Man CD out of my car, (circa 2009 what the fuck do you need a Method Man CD for?), he is probably reading this and getting a stiff one by me even mentioning him.

I only posted this because it's funny. Oh the irony. Soooo, yeah, let’s all have a laugh and move the fuck on.

Dr. Nosey Ass Asshole, this is me blogging about you.

* waves *

Surprisingly enough, I still feel the same as I did when I woke up this morning, but thanks for your concern. Do you feel better now that I posted about you? Does it make you feel like turning up your Method Man CD and whacking off to the idea of me and Brett Michaels on the Rock of Love tour bus?

It does? Oh goodie!!!

Bleh.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Hills are unfortunately still alive with the sound of annoying people…

After reading comments to my last post, I realized I needed to clear my hills watching conscience, by trying to figure out why I even watch The Hills in the first place. I honestly have no fucking idea why I watch the show. I used to justify that question with, “I just like to see what everyone is wearing”, but five seasons in that sounds just as ridiculous as the cast.

Heidi Montag is annoying as fuck and I think if she bleaches her hair one more time, the crew is going have to start writing her name on cue cards. Her boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, is like having a Yeast Infection that won’t go away. Lauren Conrad aka LC, cries in every fucking episode. No seriously, her Christmas wish list should read, tissue, waterproof mascara and “I need a hug”.

Every guy on the show is the epitome of ‘douche’, except Brody Jenner and he only gets a get-out-of-jail-free card because he’s sexy as hell. However, I’d prefer it if he didn’t speak. Ever.

Speaking of speaking, I can literally feel myself become dumber with every episode, because ALL conversations on the show go something like this…

Annoying person #1: “Hey.”

Annoying person #2: “Hey.”

Annoying person #1: “What’s going on?”

Annoying person #2: “Nothing”.

Annoying person #1: “Have you talked to so-and-so?”

Annoying person #2: “No.”

And that’s pretty much it on dialogue. Yet, I hang onto every word hoping that one day someone on the show is going to unexpectedly bust out with something deep and meaningful like, “The Pluralistic Ignorance Theory” or “cheap places to get a good boob job”.

Which never happens.

And the best part? I don't even have cable!! I literally have to go out of my way, online, to catch an episode. (I should webcam myself temperamentally yelling at my computer because Heidi got back with Spencer for the hundreth time).

If you watch the show, I hope you can empathize with this post. Other than that this post was just as pointless as the show, because for some reason, I will still watch it.

Friday, April 17, 2009

And in other news...

I feel compelled to write Heidi Montag another inspirational letter on how to get a life and a new man. However, after watching her boyfriend Spencer Pratt and his looking-like-a-molester friend, act ‘gangsta’ on the Hills last night, I think I’ll just leave her alone for the time being. I wouldn’t want Mr. Pratt’s ‘peeps’ to come and ‘throw down hard’ on me for talking ‘smack’.

Besides, why waste time on them when there are so many other wonderful things happening!?

First of all, congratulations to Kim Kardashian for this impressive burn.
Look! It’s Magda from “Something About Mary”, meets a very Persian Ooompa Loompa.

And then there was the crazy German lady who woke up and thought, “Hey today would be a great day to hang out with some Polar bears at the Zoo during feeding time.” *thumbs ups!* Remember the alleged tiger attacks at the San Francisco Zoo in 2007? Well that’s what they are trying to call this situation, a “polar bear attack”. I felt sorry for the tigers and I once again empathize with the bears.If I was hungry and some fatty jumped all up in my food for no reason, I might get nervous and bite too, sheiiit.

And last but not least, I feel like the 90s are trying to make a comeback.Like isn’t Ginuwine trying to revive his career?Keisha Knight Pulliam allegedly has a reality TV show coming out and you will never guess who I randomly bumped into at the club last Saturday?

No big announcement or extensive MySpace flyers were sent my way. I had just so happened to be at a particular club celebrating my roomie’s bday, when towards the end of the night the DJ hit us with some old school.“This Is How We Do It!” starting blasting through the speakers and I look over to my left and Montell Jordan is in the crowd on the mic!

He only did that song, before saying he would be in the VIP if anyone wanted to come and kick it.We went down to try and get a pic and there were like only three other people around. LOL I don’t think anyone knew who he was or why he was there. Does he have a new album out? Is the economy that bad?Either way, he was still looking scrum-dayyyyumn-yummie-umptious!!!


Thursday, April 9, 2009

Your Publicity Stunt Is Gross

My ex used to make fun of me because I think that everything is gross.

Onions. Gross. Herpes. Gross. The sound of a banana when being chewed. Gross! Gross! Gross!

Not to mention, Kanye West’s ego, Tori Spelling’s boob job, Christian Louboutin’s new sneaker line, Amy Winehouse and waking up the next morning to find vomit in my hair that I didn’t know was there the night before, can all also be classified as gross.

However, I would rather watch a Billy Bob Thornton and George W. Bush rendition of two-girls-one-cup, while eating a Fear Factor delicacy on the toilet before exposing my eyes to this ever again…

Aubrey O'Day sucking on Kathy Griffin's tongue.Ew.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I'm In Las Vegas Bitch!

After becoming single (again) and unable to find work, I did what any normal person would do, I spent a week in Las Vegas. Originally I bought my last minute ticket because a friend of mine was having a bachelorette party and getting hitched in the same weekend. And who would want to miss out on that???

Since I have a friend who lives in Las Vegas, I ended up extending my stay, getting a tan, meeting a cutie and getting a call back for a job on my way home. So if anyone is ever having a hard time, I would just recommend some pain killers, a trip to Las Vegas and Happy Hour at the Blue Martini.

Life is crazy weird and it’s just shocking what a $4 martini in a new atmosphere will do for one’s mentality.

Oh and that’s not all either.

Something even more amazing happened to me at work yesterday. Are you ready for it? I was sitting at my desk when all of a sudden my phone vibrated to me this message, “I+think=I+figured+it+out”.

Could it be? Did my mom finally discover how to test message? A true beginner with her mistaking a plus sign for a space, but I guess we got to start somewhere. The woman still can’t figure out how to put her own phone on speaker. So the “its+mom” text that followed blew me away.

Fucking amazing!

Now when she asks me how I’m doing, I can fake enthusiam like I do with guys who I’m not really interested in, but still want the attention from, “Yeah! Dinner in a week sounds great!!!” * happy face * xo / *thumbs up *!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Was that not convincing?

And the best part is that when I send her a drunk text she will actually think we are communicating...

Me: “I’m a bar=threw=up, can’t panties find hair+++” * smiley face *.

Mom: “+++hope+you re Not=getting sick-have=fun+” *eyeless smiley face *

Monday, March 23, 2009

Technically Not Very Savvy

Hey everyone I invested in a web cam !! Whoop! Whoop! This is my first V-blog, ever, choppin' it up with Jeromi...



And dancing with Chris...



Thanks for all the love, lovers!! (Chat with me on woome. (Same email, same name, MsFreshBananaPuddin).

It's like MySpace, but creepier. * thumbs up *

Sunday, March 15, 2009

An Open Letter to Fergie


I probably shouldn’t be writing you this, but I guess it’s too late to turn back now. I just wanted to take the time to congratulate you on the new hair. It has done wonders for my eyes. And it also actually makes your eyebrows look somewhat normal.

Before, when you would sing about how glamorous your humps were, I didn’t get it. Something just wasn’t right. From my perspective your humps were not something to brag about and your face is definitely puffier than any lady. And then comparing yourself to a child with a blanket really sobered me up. I was so confused, not only because I wasn’t quite sure where I was at the time, but also because your face is the opposite of that of a child’s.

I’ve been seeing this makeover around the web for a few days now and gheezus what a world of difference this has done for you! Your new hubby may have enjoyed running his fingers through those stringy not quite blonde, not quite brown, ugly, greasy highlights, but I sure could have done without the visual. And thanks to your innovative stylists poof, it’s gone! Yay! Go team!

Anyway, I just wanted to express how happy I am that now when you sing I can actually enjoy watching the talent as well as hearing it. I don’t have to close my eyes and pretend that surprisingly good voice of yours is coming out of someone else’s mouth. It makes the experience that much more enjoyable. So yeah, thanks.

Sincerely,

Ms. Fresh Banana Puddin’
PS- Unfortunately, there still is that part in the middle …

Friday, March 6, 2009

Will Work for Cheese (Among other things)

Well for those of you who don’t know, I’ve been back on the grind in search of another job. And like a good majority of Americans right now, I am BROKE. I’m not even Bobby Brown/MC Hammer broke, I’m Tara Reid/random homeless person broke.

Life is becoming a little less luxurious everyday.

I had to cancel my gym membership, but at the same time I can’t afford to buy food. So lately I just jog around the block and fuck my boyfriend for exercise. Then I eat canned tuna and drink lots of tap water to stay healthy.

I can’t afford to go out and get shit-faced either, so technically I’m in rehab. Therefore, I am still doing ok on the physical level. Mentally, I’m unstable. Instead of cable, I’ve been reading books. With the economy the way that it is, some of us have no choice but to learn how to adjust.

I heard a comedian mention the other night, "When was the last time we've heard Obama say 'Yes We Can!'"? It's like he got into office and started looking over some paperwork, (the big fat binder labeled, "Shit Gone Wrong" next to the Manila folder entitled, "We Fucked Up"), now he's like, "Shit, um maybe we might be able to do some shit, kind of...if we're lucky, we'll see. I'll get back to you."

Most people grew up with some sort of plan in mind. Usually it’s something substantial like go to college, get a job, get married, have some kids, retire and die. I never really had that plan or any other plan for that matter. My mom did. Her plan for me was to make sure that I went to college, which I did. Now I’m fucked, because I didn’t really have a plan for what to do after college.

I mean it was inevitable that I would eventually have to get a “real” job. One that I didn’t have to wear a hot pink mini, cup balls in my hand or contributed to my drinking problem. However, job-hunting (again and for the record I wasn't fired) during this whole economic crisis thingy has me straight struggling.

I have a job interview on Monday. Let.Us.Pray.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Love will choke you and throw you down some stairs if you let it...

I have a friend from high school, who has been dating her boyfriend since high school. A few years ago they packed up and he moved her from sunny California to Oregon, closer to his family. Nine years together and I wouldn’t necessarily call him abusive, but when asked when they’re getting married he says things like, “I’m never going to marry that bitch” or “Ha, yeah right.”

Not understanding why the person she had devoted so my of her life to over the years thought so negatively of her, my friend did what any female would do, she complained.

“If you don’t like it,” he said. “Then why don’t you just leave?”

Fed up, my friend said, “Ok maybe I just will.”

“If you try and leave me,” he threatened later, “I will slash all four of your tires.”

So what did my friend do? She cleaned. She washed the dishes, fed the animals, did the laundry and scrubbed the floors. The next morning she waved him good-bye and as soon as he drove off to work, she threw all of her clean clothes into her car and drove back to Cali.

When she told me the story about a month ago, I was proud of her. However, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. She would have to stay strong.

The good news is that she’s only 24, so she still has plenty of time to start her life over…

I called her this weekend to see how she was doing. I was in town so I wanted to stop by her mom’s house for a visit. Her response was, “I’m actually on my way back to Oregon, we are going to try and work things out.”

I wasn’t surprised about the news, but I wasn’t happy.

The rumor is that Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together and everyone is angry that Rihanna went back to him.

""All the abusive men are celebrating," Highroller33138 wrote in a posting on the mtv.com Web site. "It sets a terrible example for women everywhere. Rihanna really disappointed me.""

I mean, what exactly did people expect? Shit, look how long it took before Tina left Ike.

Not to be the cynic of all people who see their glass half empty, but I expected it from my friend and I expected it from Rihanna. Most victims return to their abusers for seconds and thirds.

Eve said best, “Love
is blind.”

The only thing that really bugs me out of the whole Chris Brown, Rihanna case is that these types of situations happen all the time to people everywhere and now its suddenly an issue. Ugh.
Kind of makes me want to punch someone in the face.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Would you still hit it, again?

Well I came over to my boyfriend’s house the other day, (yes I have a boyfriend) and he nonchalantly had a porno playing on the TV. It wasn’t a plastic titty DVD with bleach blondes, big fake boobies and airbrushed booty. It was one of those real raunchy pornos where the viewer can see the chick’s razor bumps on her cooch during the penetration close-ups.

“Why are you watching a porno right now,” I asked. “And why this nasty one?”

“Oh my boy let me borrow it, I was just checking it out,” he replied. “I’m not really paying attention.”

Oh.

I was silent for a moment as I checked out the porn. Some perverted looking white guy was eating out this fat black chick’s pussi.

At least it was embracing biracial relationships.

“I’m sorry, but that chick is gross,” I said.

“Why,” he asked.

I don’t know, she just is,” I said, making a face, before asking the inevitable, “Would you have sex with her?”

“Ummmm, yes,” he said turning his head from left to right looking at her intently. “You will be surprised to find out, my dear, who a man will have sex with.”

Then he went on to tell me that given the opportunity he would have sex with Omarosa, Whoopi Goldberg, Star Jones (before and after surgery) and Paris Hilton. Thus opening the door to one of my most infamous debates, would you still hit it???

Usually for the fellas, but ladies feel free to toss in your oh so necessary two cents, because you know we always do…

Fellas, would you have sex with Oprah if she was broke? Doesn’t matter bigger or smaller, without money is Oprah still f*ckable?

What about Octo-pussi Nadya Suleman? Sure she might have a gaping vagina, jumbo sized stretch marks, be able to make her nipples hard with her knees and even attempt to pull off the condom during sex, but she looks like she can give a mean blow job...

And if the rumors are true and Rihanna did give Chris Brown herpes or the clap, does her sex appeal override the possibility of attracting a life long std???

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

It's my party, I'll get motorboated if I want to!

I celebrated my 25th with a ladies night out. It's impossible to feel old when you still have girlfriends who will stick their face in your cleavage...

Rub on your cleavage...

Blow on your cleavage...


Take cheap porno flicks with you...

or feel on your booty...



Thanks bitches for a wonderful birthday!!!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Reason #385 Why I'm Going to Hell

I studied Spanish in school for about seven or eight years. I can understand it enough to get at least the gist of what someone is saying, but that’s pretty much it. It’s sad really. And I don’t want to offend anyone with this post, because I love the language and culture.

However, we just weren’t meant to be.

After working in the restaurant industry for six years and then living with my roommate who is Mexican for three years, I honestly know more Spanish slang than whatever I learned in school. However, I still can only speak Spanish as well as that Russian chick on For The Love of Ray J show speaks English.

I’m with Ray J on that one, she’s hot, but wtf is she saying? I guess on VH1 it really doesn’t matter does it?

I digress.

For someone who is fluent, having a conversation with me is probably like talking to a retard. I wonder if Hispanics really do think I’m retarded? In fact let me clear that up now.

No estoy retardada. En serio.

Anyway, I still like using my battered Spanish from time to time. It’s fun and most of the time people humor me anyway. They act impressed that I can say, “hi, how are you?” or “those jeans make your ass look fat”, in Spanish.

Unfortunately, when I get drunk and I’m around other people who speak Spanish it’s all bad, because I tend to try and get into the conversation too. And if alcohol isn’t enough to help me make an ass out of myself already…Remember the night that I puked in my hair?

Well that was the night that I thought I would become a Spanish speaking intellectual. Uh huh. My roomie and her friend came to pick me up that night. They had also been out partying and decided to stop for some food on the way home.

They stopped at this Mexican restaurant called, Tacos al Carbon that is open until 3 a.m. Kind of like what Jack in the Box is for white people. I decided to stay in the car, but after I puked (not in the car), I felt better and ended up joining them inside.

I remember it being crowded and I probably was the only biracial, non-Hispanic person in there. We all sat at a table, my roomie and about five of her friends’, guys and girls. To the far left of us sat a table of about six Hispanic guys all decked out in black and tan cowboy hats, western buttoned up shirts, tight jeans, the works.

My roomie ordered me some nachos to try and sober me up. Surprisingly even after just recently vomiting through my nose, I was starving. Eventually, in between bites of chips, cheese and chicken, I noticed one of the guys at the other table to the far left motioning for me to come over. Yeah right. I had beans and cheese dribbling down my chin, how was I even going to be able to walk? And how the hell did he find me attractive?

So I decided to mess with him. I started yelling across to his table, “¡¿Tienes Papeles?!”, “¡¿Tienes Papeles?!”

The whole table I was sitting with and his fell out laughing. I looked around and was like yeah, yeah. I’m pretty badass. My Spanish is muy bien. So I started up again, “¡¿Tienes Papeles?!”, “¡¿Tienes Papeles?!”

You see in my mind, I thought that meant, “do you have paper?” Roughly similar to saying, “Are you ballin’?” Like if you want to talk to me you have to have paper, money, cheddar, etc.

Right? Wrong.

I guess what I was really asking the guy was, “Do you have your papers?” Like as in, are you even legal in the United States of America? Like as in I’m a total drunk jackass.

Needless to say he left me alone after that.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Suddenly, I was in the champagne room...


As I’ve mentioned before, I frequent strip clubs because they are the easiest place to get free drinks. See most guys in the joint think that if they liquor up the girls who don’t work there, they might get lucky and catch a last minute amateur show. It’s usually a hit or miss. You never know. I have seen it happen, but it’s never happened to me. Honest. (See my halo :0).

The last time I went to a strip joint, I bumped into a friend of a friend. I love the male reaction when I bump into them at strip clubs. First there is the initial reaction of, “oh sh*t, I’m caught.” Then second there is the, “wait, what are you doing in here, you’re a girl? And last but not least, they second guess, “you don’t work here, do you?”

No I don’t work here, just enjoying my tax-free beverage thank you very much.

Anyway, I bumped into this guy who is a friend of a friend and apparently he got into his head me watching ass and titties was some sort of pastime. So he went ahead and called me up Friday night inviting me to a “gentlemen’s party” at the Hilton.

“Oh is someone getting married or something,” I asked him.

“No,” he said. “I’m just throwing a party, invite only.”

Cool. I'm special. I'm V.I.P. Sounds good.

In my mind I was naïve enough to think that maybe he was just throwing one of those parties where it was a good place to network, but half dressed women were part of the mingling crowd. No worries, I can handle that.

Or so I thought…

I get up to the 18th floor where he had rented a Suite. When he pushed open the door, it was like the scene from The Players Club when Eboney got beat up and raped, except with a younger crowd. Intrigued, I decided to stay. What girl doesn’t want to put herself into that situation?

There was a portable stripper pole in the center of the room that three dudes were desperately trying to readjust. Unfortunately from the look of the thing, one swing and any lucky lady might learn how to fly that night.

There was a bar, but it was old school house party style. Audaciously drinks were $10. I was too anxious to see how the night was going to play out to even worry about getting a drink.

I was also a little embarrassed, because I had invited a new girlfriend of mine to go with me. I guess I felt guilty because I haven't really broken her into the situations I get myself into, yet. Although, she seemed just as eager as me to find out what was going to happen next.

Every ten minutes or so, a handful of guys would saunter through the door of the Suite eagerly awaiting the festivities.The girls were hidden in a room adjacent to the Suite, digging through suitcases full of plastic high heels, bikini tops and bottoms and other bright colored accessories.

Eventually, the girls started filing out into the Suite room. They looked nothing like the Rock of Love/Flavor of Love girls. It was more like Phat Booty Hoes meets BET Uncut. Soon that didn't even matter, because it all became a blur of ass, titties, dollar bills and private lap dances. Rap music blaring in the background.

Wait, what the...how the...hold it. Am I in the champagne room? Hmmm, it's different than I imagined. This was definitely not the same experience as a strip club.

Why in the hell would somebody think that I would enjoy a party like this? I go to strip clubs to get free drinks not lap dances. Even if I did get a lap dance, this seemed like the type of crowd that was paying for a boner. Praying for a blowjob.

Um, I don't have a penis. I might have been sold if it was open bar. Otherwise, I have ass and titties, why would I pay to see someone else’s that are not going to turn me on because, I, like, dick?

The icing on the cake was when one of the girls turned to me and informed me that some of the girls were in fact performing in front of family members. It was then that I decided to make my exit. Parties like that should only be seen on VH1...