Sunday, March 1, 2009

Love will choke you and throw you down some stairs if you let it...

I have a friend from high school, who has been dating her boyfriend since high school. A few years ago they packed up and he moved her from sunny California to Oregon, closer to his family. Nine years together and I wouldn’t necessarily call him abusive, but when asked when they’re getting married he says things like, “I’m never going to marry that bitch” or “Ha, yeah right.”

Not understanding why the person she had devoted so my of her life to over the years thought so negatively of her, my friend did what any female would do, she complained.

“If you don’t like it,” he said. “Then why don’t you just leave?”

Fed up, my friend said, “Ok maybe I just will.”

“If you try and leave me,” he threatened later, “I will slash all four of your tires.”

So what did my friend do? She cleaned. She washed the dishes, fed the animals, did the laundry and scrubbed the floors. The next morning she waved him good-bye and as soon as he drove off to work, she threw all of her clean clothes into her car and drove back to Cali.

When she told me the story about a month ago, I was proud of her. However, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. She would have to stay strong.

The good news is that she’s only 24, so she still has plenty of time to start her life over…

I called her this weekend to see how she was doing. I was in town so I wanted to stop by her mom’s house for a visit. Her response was, “I’m actually on my way back to Oregon, we are going to try and work things out.”

I wasn’t surprised about the news, but I wasn’t happy.

The rumor is that Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together and everyone is angry that Rihanna went back to him.

""All the abusive men are celebrating," Highroller33138 wrote in a posting on the Web site. "It sets a terrible example for women everywhere. Rihanna really disappointed me.""

I mean, what exactly did people expect? Shit, look how long it took before Tina left Ike.

Not to be the cynic of all people who see their glass half empty, but I expected it from my friend and I expected it from Rihanna. Most victims return to their abusers for seconds and thirds.

Eve said best, “Love
is blind.”

The only thing that really bugs me out of the whole Chris Brown, Rihanna case is that these types of situations happen all the time to people everywhere and now its suddenly an issue. Ugh.
Kind of makes me want to punch someone in the face.


Anonymous said...

I'm very disappointed with Ri Ri also, but she's very young and naive. What started out as a publicity stunt has turned awry because Chris wants to lay pipe elsewhere. He really wanted out and I don't think he really intended them to be as close (moving in together, gettin' engaged, blah, blah, blah). Chris is an hellified actor and he is acting on the advice of his lawyers and that's whoo her back so that she doesn't sue. I pray that Ri Ri doesn't get hurt again, and maybe she'll get enough confidence in herself to know that there are other men out there. Chances are slim, but there are some nicer ones.

Narm said...

I was going to write something insightful and intelligent but then I thought about Rihanna and lost my train of thought.

What I'm trying to say is this - Hey Rihanna - please do me.

There's somethin about Tawny.... said...

Wow thats a crazy story....but unfortunately it is very common, like you stated.

Good post love....

Anonymous said...

Staying in a long-term relationship gives a lot of security. So you keep going back hoping it will get better.

Cunning_Linguist said...

I never understood the whole abusive relationship thing. WHY on earth would you want to do anything that would create arguments and the like. I dunno, some men ) AND women!) get off on the turmoil. Makes them either feel more important if they get an upper hand or throws the old focus off of their own inadequacies I guess.

Nope..... no use need or call for it in ym life. But then again, answer me WHY in dear heaven all of the really HOT HOT HOT ones seem to be in a relationship like that and nice guys like me always got stuck by the wayside. It kills me. It would piss me off to no end hearing these women say "All I really want is a nice guy to be with" and then just last years on end with a total asshole.

You choose your own misery. Hard to feel bad for a person who keeps walking back to it. Nothing happens by accident, so they say. If Rihanna keeps going back then I call it like I see it. She either must like or thinks on some level she deserves the beating.

ShantaeMarlinda said...

Right? I didn't feel the least bit bad for Rihanna because the situation is so far from unheard of. Meanwhile everybody else is up her crotch with "Love and support." People only give a shit if you're a media whore. Otherwise, it's not that big a deal.

Untouched Jewel said...

I won't even get into the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna situation, because it's such a big spectacle.

What I do feel sorry for is your friend whom is running back to a LOSER. If he doesn't respect her now as a couple, God forbid what he would do to her "whenever" he decides to wife her (if he decides to). From what I can see of this is homeboy thinks he's got the balls to dog her out, because he can. What's really going on is he's insecure, because he knows that if she gets fed up enough to leave and stay gone for good, his chances for claiming the prize are slim to none. So he's gotta do everything he can to hold her down and make her feel like shit just to keep what he thinks is his...HER.

I believe that once she realizes that there are other men out there whom would treat her like a queen and beyond, she's gone faster than a dead person who took their last breath. JMO.

LiLu said...

It's so sad, but I totally hear you on this. It usually takes a lot more than either your friend or Rihanna have gone through to leave an abusive relationship, whether it's verbal OR physical. Le sigh. All you can do is try to be there for her.

No More Sugar Daddies said...

Ugh! she went back. It is hard to leave when you are dependent on that person. Does she not feel worthy of better? What if he physically hurts her when she come back because she left him?
I dunno. This worries me as I had to move across the country to get away from my abuser.
I wish her luck.


The 'honeymoon 'phase of the abuse cycle is more dangerous than the abuse in some ways, as it allows her to belive the abuse will stop, but it's actually what perpetuates it.
Both him and Chris Brown need their heads kicked in-preferrably by a woman.

Young women need to recognize the early warning signs of abuse, which men display many before reaching the final stage of assault.


What she needs is to not go back ,feeling like a child,to mother's, but to a female friends' who will take her out and show her the life she is missing,whilst she can still feel independant.


You do not understand the dynamics of abuse ,which is first rooted in psychological.
Men first insidiously rob women of their esteem ,isolate them from their support networks and then make them feel THEY are responsible for the abuse,long before they hit them. This works on esp. young women and is epidemic.
Then when they have been brought so low they do not envision another man would want them,something abusers make a point of drumming into them, and espcially because they now feel'tainted' by the abuse they have endured.Instead they live for the good days and blot out the bad.

Gorgeous Lynette said...

I think people are stupid commenting on situations they know nothing about. Nobody but Chris & Robyn know the whole story. So I'm not going to comment or judge either one of them because for all I know they were both wrong and wrong is wrong. Nobody is more wrong than the next person. It really pisses me off when people are like oh i'm disappointed or oh I'm so mad at her or she's stupid. People make mistakes. Not every male who has hit a female once is a continuous woman beater. And not every male who has repeatedly beat one female is going to beat all of them.

I think that people should just live their life. It's not their life that they are living. For all we know Chris and Robyn worked things out. Because it's not the world & Chris and Robyn's relationship for people to get involved. I hate people that always say that oh she's a role model for children. okay and? she's not living her life for anybody but herself. Truth be told she probably could give a fuck about the children that look up to her in this situation.

Stew said...

lets hope this does not become a trend, cause you know how much people like to follow what celebs do these days

Mista Jaycee said...

What most people don't take into account is all the good things that go on in a relationship weighed against all the bad. This is bad. I hope that Chris will get some real help and they both can heal.

Sabina said...

I expect women to return to abusers since I know it's so common, but it still breaks my heart. I think people are focusing on Rihanna so much because if only she would be the one to stay away from him and press charges, they think it would help other women in the same situation. But while being a good role model and setting that kind of example might help someone, I highly doubt it will be the thing to convince all abused women to get out when they can.

MsPuddin said...

Thanks everyone for commenting on this topic. If it's still worth discussing then at least we know people recognize there is a problem.

@ Sabina - My thoughts exactly, but you wrote it so well ;p

Sunshyne said...

I just don't get it. I understand sometimes people stay in relationships that aren't going anywhere because of the familiarity or they don't like to be alone, but not if you're getting abused. Especially when you are young. There are so many other people out there. Everyone deserves to be happy.

As for your friend, maybe he realized what he had when she decided to leave. Maybe it will work, who knows? 9 years is a long time though...but every relationship isn't the same. Hopefully she will have the strength to leave again for good if he doesn't get his act together. Slashed tires isn't much to worry about.