I Died

I hate to see Heidi cry, again, but obviously this blog has no more life to it. I've moved on and over to tumblr. I still don't really know how to work the damn thing, but if any of you are interested in some short stories on my life about alcohol and regret, here's the link...

Hood Summer Fest 2009

So I went to a pool party @ the Clarion yesterday. * crickets * I know, that should have been my first red flag. I was lucky they even had a pool. It was a hood fest in its entirety. Clear plastic heels, fake Louis Vuitton and the guys came in groups of ten, dressed in plain white Ts with white towels on their heads.

There was a model contest. Let me rephrase that. There was a booty shakin’ contest. About 10 to 15 girls graced the stage (um box?) in their bikinis. Each one was announced by name and their hobby. I want to say that 90 percent of the hobbies had something to do with dancing, entertaining and possibly doing the splits.

All this happened within the first hour. I needed a drink. My boy was like, “Don’t trip, I got a bottle coming.” One hour later, in room 122 was a bottle of Hennessey, Patron and some cranberry juice. * side eye * I decided my best bet was the bar.

On my way back from the bar, I noticed some girl had decided to take a dip in the hot tub. She’s in the tub. Her fake ass ponytail was lying next to the tub. One of the 25 photographers at the party runs over, snaps a picture and then literally picks up this random girl’s hair and throws it in the trash.

OMG. Yes. This actually happened...

Let me not lie, even though I felt like I was cast in Plies’ next music video, I was entertained. And on the plus side there were no kids there and no one got shot. However, I knew it was time for me to go home when I found someone’s fake tittie (cutlet) on the ground.

Shout out to Big Dave Presents, Socially Flyy , QB Chronicles and BigBootyRemy for the photo!! You know I love you guys. All press is good press :)

I'm In Las Vegas Bitch!

After becoming single (again) and unable to find work, I did what any normal person would do, I spent a week in Las Vegas. Originally I bought my last minute ticket because a friend of mine was having a bachelorette party and getting hitched in the same weekend. And who would want to miss out on that???

Since I have a friend who lives in Las Vegas, I ended up extending my stay, getting a tan, meeting a cutie and getting a call back for a job on my way home. So if anyone is ever having a hard time, I would just recommend some pain killers, a trip to Las Vegas and Happy Hour at the Blue Martini.

Life is crazy weird and it’s just shocking what a $4 martini in a new atmosphere will do for one’s mentality.

Oh and that’s not all either.

Something even more amazing happened to me at work yesterday. Are you ready for it? I was sitting at my desk when all of a sudden my phone vibrated to me this message, “I+think=I+figured+it+out”.

Could it be? Did my mom finally discover how to test message? A true beginner with her mistaking a plus sign for a space, but I guess we got to start somewhere. The woman still can’t figure out how to put her own phone on speaker. So the “its+mom” text that followed blew me away.

Fucking amazing!

Now when she asks me how I’m doing, I can fake enthusiam like I do with guys who I’m not really interested in, but still want the attention from, “Yeah! Dinner in a week sounds great!!!” * happy face * xo / *thumbs up *!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Was that not convincing?

And the best part is that when I send her a drunk text she will actually think we are communicating...

Me: “I’m a bar=threw=up, can’t panties find hair+++” * smiley face *.

Mom: “+++hope+you re Not=getting sick-have=fun+” *eyeless smiley face *

Technically Not Very Savvy

Hey everyone I invested in a web cam !! Whoop! Whoop! This is my first V-blog, ever, choppin' it up with Jeromi...



And dancing with Chris...



Thanks for all the love, lovers!! (Chat with me on woome. (Same email, same name, MsFreshBananaPuddin).

It's like MySpace, but creepier. * thumbs up *

It's my party, I'll get motorboated if I want to!

I celebrated my 25th with a ladies night out. It's impossible to feel old when you still have girlfriends who will stick their face in your cleavage...

Rub on your cleavage...

Blow on your cleavage...


Take cheap porno flicks with you...

or feel on your booty...



Thanks bitches for a wonderful birthday!!!

Happy Holidays Bitches!!!

Where's Puddin'???





Oh, there I am. I'm trying not to be a Scrooge this year and yes, the alcohol is helping. I can proudly say I puked in my hair last Saturday. Just keepin' it classy.

I wanted to post up some quick holiday love before being trapped for five days with the family. Hope you're all either getting boinked under the mistle toe or takin' shots with Santa. Maybe even both or felt up by an elf with a wreath wrapped around your ankles. Kinky. Anyway...

Peace ~ Love & A Round of Drinks on Me!!

MsP

An Open Letter To George W. Bush

Dear George W. Bush,

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Sincerely,

Ms Fresh Banana Puddin’

Holy Pop Culture!

Haha. Swipe!

Ok where was this party and why wasn’t I invited???!!! >:-/


I'm just saying, can a sista get a table dance?

Sooooo, I have a confession to make. I kissed girl and I liked it. Just kidding. No really, I liked it. Ok, ok for real, my confession is that I think Miley Cyrus is kind of badass. I just wish she were a little older so I wouldn’t feel so guilty about enjoying her not contributing to society.

Don’t tell anybody I just said that either…

Well, if it isn’t obvious enough, I watched the VMAs. This is exciting news guys! I don’t have cable, I just happened to be in the right place at the right time.

However, I watched it with a bunch of guys, which was a bad fuckin’ idea. All I heard the whole time was how thick Rhianna’s thighs are and how many Kama Sutra positions she is wanted in. It's bad enough the bitch already stole my man, now I got to hear about her sexy thighs? Ugh.

It’s cool though, because I have a new crush. Oh yeah, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, sexy nerd. You could be my McLovin anytme baby.

PS- I know I suck at blogging right now. Please feel free to give me a cyber slap in my comments.

MsP

Random funny shit up in this bitch!

My little brother had that strip on his MySpace. Should I be worried?

So, I read on BestWeekEver’s blog that Diddy can’t fly his private jet because gas prices are too high. Yes he is forced to fly commercial like the rest of us. I don’t know if I feel sorry for Diddy or the people sitting next to him in first class.

Could you imagine sitting next to him and his walk-and-get-me-a-cheesecake-at-4a.m.-on 24th-avenue attitude? I might finally have an excuse to write a letter to someone about these prices. Can someone please lower gas prices, before Diddy puts a stewardess into the crazy house?

I found this clip of George Keith on SketchyPremise from awhile ago. If you’ve already seen it, then don’t fucking watch it. If you haven’t, check it out. He had me dying talking about his non-comedy job and ex-wife.

Happy Go MsP

Ok so I have been trying really hard to be positive. “Thinking happy thoughts,” “following the yellow-brick road,” and all that’s perky. Look I even changed my hair color and style…

I also decided to start fresh by cleaning my room, which has been a messy disaster for sometime now. Kind of a cheesy metaphor for how my life has been going lately. In the midst of it all, I was coming home to what looked like my closet threw up in the Middle East during a dust storm. It’s amazing how I made it from the door to the bed. How I even found my bed every night is another story. I don’t even want to think about when I was drunk…

Anyway, it took me four hours to clean my room yesterday and I kept sneezing because of all the dust. Another reason it might have taken so long is because I don’t know about you, but I like to clean with loud music. There’s a good chance I spent an hour of cleaning time dancing in front of my mirror.

In the end, I picked a shit load of clothes off the floor, equivalent to five laundry loads. I threw away 75 percent of excess crap from the top of my dresser, desk and floor. I made about $25 in change, found my roller skates and a whole box of tampons. Whoop! Whoop!

Oh the joy.

And to top it all off, I even made my bed. :)

Top 5 Drunk Moments in Puddin' History

This is my 200^th post! Yeah boi! Lets get naked!

In honor of myself (really, enough about me), I thought it would be cool to take a stumble down my drunken memory lane. Pretty much to remind us all that a camera + alcohol = a bad idea.

So please, sit back, grab a cocktail and enjoy the Top 5 Drunk Moments in Puddin' History...

A recent pic of me at a rock star party strikin’ my signature pose…

I couldn’t even get up, but I sure was trying…

Ok, I’m not even sure whose car that was and I’m pretty sure my friends just propped that cigarette in my hand to make me look even cooler…

Just feeling up a guy in his wedding dress, don’t mind me…

I’m such a fuckin’ lady…

Ok that last one wasn’t me. Seriously.

MsP

The last place I need to party…

Well part of my graduation gift from my parents is a trip to Mexico. Probably not the best place for me to go, considering my alcoholic tendencies.

However, I made a pact with myself that when I get back it’s time to focus on my next move (in life). I just hope I don’t end up in jail with a burrito in my ass or in a donkey show.

Well, anyway, wish me luck blogworld. I’ll be gone for a week, but hopefully I will make it back in one piece, with pictures and stories to share.

MsP

ps- I (finally) responded to the comments on the last two posts.

Do I Look Smarter?

Well hello there blogworld!

Great news! I, yes I as in ME, Ms Fresh Banana Puddin’ graduated from college! Woo hoo! I know some of ya’ll thought I was dead cold in the gutter somewhere, my flask next to me dripping the remnants of last night, but no. I was finishing up doing something that took me little longer than most.

Oh well at least I got it done. Between large quantities of alcohol, weekend trips to Vegas and hopping over my ex-boyfriend’s fence, it’s a wonder I managed to finish anything at all.

Although, over the last few days I’ve heard enough speeches about “the real world” that I really don’t even want to be a graduate anymore. A “real” job? What is this? Who wants to get up before noon every day? Boo.

Any suggestions as to what my next step should be? Any fresh-out-of-college stories?

Did I mention I have theme music?

...because I do.

Hi Mom!

[photo]- a mini puddin' and a mama puddin'

“The sex in “Addicted ” was boring because it was unimaginative. I would expect more from an erotic writer than that.” -said Ms Puddin's mom.

I love my mom.

I’ve blogged about her before. Usually it’s to make fun of her, but I make fun of her because I love her. Plus she is known for doing some pretty weird and um interesting things, just like me. Yay! Like mother, like daughter, I guess. Well kind of, but not really, because mom and me are nothing alike.

Anyway, in honor of Mother’s Day, I decided to do an exert/mash-up of my favorite posts about my mom. So mom if you’re reading, it’s all out of love…*muAh!*

Every year my mom, who is also a writer, takes a little bit out of each of our lives and shares it with friends and family. (thanks mom) This year I was a little offended reading the holiday letter, because my mom wrote that I have a bizarre sense of humor. My sense of humor might be a little different, but no one in my family has any room to talk when it comes to how talented and disturbingly entertaining we are.

Just last week my dad called to tell me that my mom had got her foot caught in the strap of her purse while trying to get out of her car. She fell onto the sidewalk and clocked her face on the driver’s door trying to get back up, giving herself a black eye. My dad is already on crutches, because he recently fractured his ankle. So he was sitting on the passenger's side looking over at her like, “what is going on?”

Mom, my sense of humor might be strange, but you sure are talented.

Growing up I think she had everything anyone could think of in her purse. Brush? Check. Spoon? Check. Toothbrush? Check. A midget? Check.

We all (I grew up with my two younger brothers) loved cracking jokes at my mother’s expense. I don’t know why, maybe because she is such an easy target. I remember when she lost a majority of her hearing while we were growing up. I think she basically had what I would call “selective hearing,” because sometimes I think she just tuned us out. But most of the time she couldn’t hear because of her disability.

My brothers and I would drive her crazy by mouthing words without sound and she would become frantic trying to figure out what we were saying. Then other times we would just yell things at her like, “Mom I’m going to the store!” Which she would either interpret as, “Mom, I’m a dirty whore!” or she would tell us to stop yelling at her.

My mom also wrote in the holiday letter that she went on a rant about how bad soda is. “Soda is not food, it’s one of the worst things you can put in your body,” my mom said. My brother replied, “No Mom, crack is one of the worst things you can put in your body.”

Touché.

Happy Mothers Day!

MsP

Caption This!

We got one of the go-girls a stripper for her birthday. What say you? The best caption I will add to my sidebar!!!

MsP

Single and Sober

I went to my friend’s engagement dinner/congratulatory party/death sentence on Friday and there wasn’t a bar. We toasted the soon to be bride and groom with sparkling apple cider. Boo.

Yes folks it’s gotten to the point in my life where if someone tells me their pregnant I can say, “congratulations!” instead of, “Oh sh*t, what are you going to do?” And when someone announces an engagement I have to show up and pretend to care. Well, deep down I do care. I’m really happy for my friend, but engagement parties and baby showers are not really my forte. I prefer something a little more erotic and captivating, with a bar.

There is nothing like a Friday night, mingling sober with other singles who ask you stupid questions like, “when are you getting married?” Well, you have to have something called a man to get married to first, genius.

Then I started to panic. Why am I single? Should I go to the Humane Society to start picking out my 20 cats now? (Naw, f*ck that, I hate cats). Could it be that I’m greedy klutz who has no idea what she wants? Eek! My disastrous dating past started flashing through my mind…

I remember this one time, when I used to date this one guy, (and this one time, at band camp) I was over at his house waiting for him to get off of work. On the coffee table there was a giant glass bowl of M&Ms. Instead of reaching and grabbing just a few M&Ms, my greedy ass went and grabbed the whole bowl. The glass crushed in my hand. (Stupid cheap bowl, grrr). M&Ms flew everywhere and my hand started squirting blood.

I called 911, but they wouldn’t give me any medical advice over the phone and it wasn’t serious enough to call an ambulance. So with blood running down my arm, I quickly picked up all the M&Ms and glass. When he came home about ten minutes later he had to help me get the circulation back into my hand, which had turned a nice shade of blue.

Another time I was dating this other guy (not at band camp) and right before he came over, fatty ate a whole package of red licorice. When he got there we got into this discussion of things we liked and disliked in the opposite sex. One of his vices was when girls threw up, it was a turn off to him. Needless to say, not too soon after that conversation, all that red licorice kicked in and I started projectile vomiting (uncontrollably) a funky red liquid all over him.

Oops my bad. :(

The first time I had sex with my ex, I had stuffed my bra with socks. Usually when I (would *ahem*) stuff my bra I’d do the quick pull out when nobody’s looking. Unfortunately that night I wasn’t quick enough and when he felt me up, he found my thick ass socks. (On the plus side he did end up wearing them to work the next day).

Dating sucks. So do engagement parties without alcohol. I don’t see what the big deal is about being single. I’m enjoying this thing called life people!

MsP

Spank Me!

I’ve been a very bad blogger!

When I started this blog and I only had like one, maybe two readers. Now I’m having a hard time having a life (yes I have a life f*ckers) and keeping up with all your great blogs! If I missed a post that is a must read, let me know! (mspuddin@gmail.com)

I’ve also updated my blog roll. If I didn’t add you and your life wouldn’t be complete unless I do, let me know! If you are having a baby, asthma attack or don’t know where the f*ck you are, call 911!

Big shout out to all my readers and bloggers out there *MuAh*!!!

MsP

Mr. New Booty

Sorry I’ve been so bootsy on the blogging people, but I met a boy! Yes, Ms Puddin’ has been busy cupcakin’. Jealous? (hee, hee).

Here’s the scoop: It was Sunday night when I was leaving this reggae spot with my girl. I came struttin’ out the club, the wind picked up my hair music video style, there was a twinkle in my eye that said * bink*. I was lookin’ like a 10. (Basically, I managed to get down the front stairs of the club without tripping in my heels and falling on my face).

Outside there was a group of guys standing around, shooting the sh*t and I made them all pause. I brought the milkshake to the yard. I mean the boys. Wait, I mean this one boy. I brought him to my yard, for a shake. Nevermind.

“Ay, can I walk you to your car?” this one boy asked, as he stepped to me.

I gave him the good side eye.

“If you promise not to laugh at it,” I said. “My car that is.” (F*ck y’all, I roll hard in the Honda, what!)

We ended up having a quick, catchy conversation, where I would for the most part say something stupid and he would laugh at me. (I got game b*tches)! Then I gave him my number and he called me the next day. This is weird, because usually guys call me like three weeks later and by the time I remember who the f*ck they are, the conversation gets all awkward.

So anyway, Monday we went on the best date I’ve been on in a long time. I think what was so great about it was all my geeky suggestions on things to do he was totally game. We ended up going bowling. Then we went to TGI Fridays to have some drinks and watch the rest of the Warriors game.

We were enjoying each other’s company so much, he offered to take me to show off his studio, where we made out and had hot kinky sex on the…just kidding. We did go to the studio, where he makes beats, but we didn’t have hot kinky sex. Boo. Instead we ended the night hanging out at my boy’s dive bar. I mean, what a better place to go on a first date than a dive bar?

We hung out again yesterday. I was on cloud nine until he told me that his sister won this Hooters competition and he is going to the Playboy Mansion this weekend. Great, he is going to come back with a giant rubber duckie on his arm and totally forget about me. * tear *

I’ll keep everyone posted…

A Hot Rocker Mess

The contest is over *whew, wipes brow *and I got a lot of great entries. As I flipped through the photos, I could hear AC/DC’s Highway to Hell blasting theme music in the background. This was definitely a competition. Ozzy would be proud.

I would like to thank everyone who participated. I had a great time finding these in my email and I'm sure everyone else will enjoy them too. You’re all awesome in my book! (Sh*t, I might even have to party with some of you in the future). So first off I’ll list the winners, since I know you are all anxious to see who won. Then, of course, I gotta go ahead and bust people out.

However, I think the pictures pretty much speak for themselves…

Babyface came hard with this one and won The Rocker Challenge. I’m not going to lie, he’s got some Ty-Kwon-Do-rock-out-with-your-cock-out sh*t goin’ on here. I’m impressed. Not sure if he is going to kick my ass or lick one side of my face.

1st place: I got to hand it to Lady Dreamer, home girl had the hair did, nails did and a cute ass top as she rocked it!

2nd place: Poca, Poca, Poca, * tear * I’m so proud, I taught you well…

3rd place: I’m not gonna lie, Bef scared the sh*t out of me, but I love it. I felt like I was back in the 80’s running around backstage at a rock concert, naked, when I got her photo…

Those were the winners! Congrats! However, it wouldn't be a contest if we didn't get to see all the excess craziness...

Apparently we also had a reptilian contest going on, according to Slaus, as Eb the Celeb and anonymousnupe battled it out for longest tongue…


Wanna has a nice air guitar goin’ on… damn guitar hero * shakes head *

Now some of y'all sent in your super cute ass kids, because you know MsP is a sucka for cute kids and sh*t! So there were two kiddie rockers… Lady Shay’s daughter...

...and lil miss Jaden...

That Saddity Chic and her dad rocked it…

Baby Kiki rocked it…


Amboogie rocked/laughed it out…

Mista swag rocked it… (ladies please note the pearly whites) ;p

Umm, not quite sure what So@24 was up too, but I like it!

The ladies over at Bloggers Delight and suite b rocked it…

J aka Senior Beige rocked it…


DMario had me rollin’, he definitely rocked it!

Jami, went to the club with some friends and rocked it…

LeonB rocked it…

...and karrie b was just dancin’, dancin’, dancin’…

slaus rocked it out...

I would like to give a special thanks to a Mr. Slausin Ass Slaus, from over at Oh Hell Nawl, for his two cents and other various contributions. I present you with a giant cyber hug...

Thanks again to everyone who sent in photos! You all ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!