Thursday, April 30, 2009

Yes, Brett and I have a thing going on. Jealous?

* Disclaimer * This post only kind of has something to do with Brett Michaels

Well I was going to write a post on the Swine Flu, but even I’m sick (figuratively) of hearing about it.The only thing I was worried about when I first heard of the “pandemic spread” was whether or not I could still eat bacon. And as long as no one sneezes on it, I can. Problem solved, next topic.

In other ‘personal’ news, the ex randomly texted me at work today…

The ex:“Who’s Brett?”

MsP: “Michaels?”

The ex: “No, lmao, not Brett Michaels. Are you dating a Brett?”

MsP: “I’m sorry, what is to you who I date?”

The ex: “I can sense that you’re still angry. Why don’t you blog about it, it might make you feel better.”

*Side eye*

Rest assured I’m not going to directly comment on that conversation, because similar to the time not to long ago when he called me to get his Method Man CD out of my car, (circa 2009 what the fuck do you need a Method Man CD for?), he is probably reading this and getting a stiff one by me even mentioning him.

I only posted this because it's funny. Oh the irony. Soooo, yeah, let’s all have a laugh and move the fuck on.

Dr. Nosey Ass Asshole, this is me blogging about you.

* waves *

Surprisingly enough, I still feel the same as I did when I woke up this morning, but thanks for your concern. Do you feel better now that I posted about you? Does it make you feel like turning up your Method Man CD and whacking off to the idea of me and Brett Michaels on the Rock of Love tour bus?

It does? Oh goodie!!!


Monday, April 20, 2009

The Hills are unfortunately still alive with the sound of annoying people…

After reading comments to my last post, I realized I needed to clear my hills watching conscience, by trying to figure out why I even watch The Hills in the first place. I honestly have no fucking idea why I watch the show. I used to justify that question with, “I just like to see what everyone is wearing”, but five seasons in that sounds just as ridiculous as the cast.

Heidi Montag is annoying as fuck and I think if she bleaches her hair one more time, the crew is going have to start writing her name on cue cards. Her boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, is like having a Yeast Infection that won’t go away. Lauren Conrad aka LC, cries in every fucking episode. No seriously, her Christmas wish list should read, tissue, waterproof mascara and “I need a hug”.

Every guy on the show is the epitome of ‘douche’, except Brody Jenner and he only gets a get-out-of-jail-free card because he’s sexy as hell. However, I’d prefer it if he didn’t speak. Ever.

Speaking of speaking, I can literally feel myself become dumber with every episode, because ALL conversations on the show go something like this…

Annoying person #1: “Hey.”

Annoying person #2: “Hey.”

Annoying person #1: “What’s going on?”

Annoying person #2: “Nothing”.

Annoying person #1: “Have you talked to so-and-so?”

Annoying person #2: “No.”

And that’s pretty much it on dialogue. Yet, I hang onto every word hoping that one day someone on the show is going to unexpectedly bust out with something deep and meaningful like, “The Pluralistic Ignorance Theory” or “cheap places to get a good boob job”.

Which never happens.

And the best part? I don't even have cable!! I literally have to go out of my way, online, to catch an episode. (I should webcam myself temperamentally yelling at my computer because Heidi got back with Spencer for the hundreth time).

If you watch the show, I hope you can empathize with this post. Other than that this post was just as pointless as the show, because for some reason, I will still watch it.

Friday, April 17, 2009

And in other news...

I feel compelled to write Heidi Montag another inspirational letter on how to get a life and a new man. However, after watching her boyfriend Spencer Pratt and his looking-like-a-molester friend, act ‘gangsta’ on the Hills last night, I think I’ll just leave her alone for the time being. I wouldn’t want Mr. Pratt’s ‘peeps’ to come and ‘throw down hard’ on me for talking ‘smack’.

Besides, why waste time on them when there are so many other wonderful things happening!?

First of all, congratulations to Kim Kardashian for this impressive burn.
Look! It’s Magda from “Something About Mary”, meets a very Persian Ooompa Loompa.

And then there was the crazy German lady who woke up and thought, “Hey today would be a great day to hang out with some Polar bears at the Zoo during feeding time.” *thumbs ups!* Remember the alleged tiger attacks at the San Francisco Zoo in 2007? Well that’s what they are trying to call this situation, a “polar bear attack”. I felt sorry for the tigers and I once again empathize with the bears.If I was hungry and some fatty jumped all up in my food for no reason, I might get nervous and bite too, sheiiit.

And last but not least, I feel like the 90s are trying to make a comeback.Like isn’t Ginuwine trying to revive his career?Keisha Knight Pulliam allegedly has a reality TV show coming out and you will never guess who I randomly bumped into at the club last Saturday?

No big announcement or extensive MySpace flyers were sent my way. I had just so happened to be at a particular club celebrating my roomie’s bday, when towards the end of the night the DJ hit us with some old school.“This Is How We Do It!” starting blasting through the speakers and I look over to my left and Montell Jordan is in the crowd on the mic!

He only did that song, before saying he would be in the VIP if anyone wanted to come and kick it.We went down to try and get a pic and there were like only three other people around. LOL I don’t think anyone knew who he was or why he was there. Does he have a new album out? Is the economy that bad?Either way, he was still looking scrum-dayyyyumn-yummie-umptious!!!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Your Publicity Stunt Is Gross

My ex used to make fun of me because I think that everything is gross.

Onions. Gross. Herpes. Gross. The sound of a banana when being chewed. Gross! Gross! Gross!

Not to mention, Kanye West’s ego, Tori Spelling’s boob job, Christian Louboutin’s new sneaker line, Amy Winehouse and waking up the next morning to find vomit in my hair that I didn’t know was there the night before, can all also be classified as gross.

However, I would rather watch a Billy Bob Thornton and George W. Bush rendition of two-girls-one-cup, while eating a Fear Factor delicacy on the toilet before exposing my eyes to this ever again…

Aubrey O'Day sucking on Kathy Griffin's tongue.Ew.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I'm In Las Vegas Bitch!

After becoming single (again) and unable to find work, I did what any normal person would do, I spent a week in Las Vegas. Originally I bought my last minute ticket because a friend of mine was having a bachelorette party and getting hitched in the same weekend. And who would want to miss out on that???

Since I have a friend who lives in Las Vegas, I ended up extending my stay, getting a tan, meeting a cutie and getting a call back for a job on my way home. So if anyone is ever having a hard time, I would just recommend some pain killers, a trip to Las Vegas and Happy Hour at the Blue Martini.

Life is crazy weird and it’s just shocking what a $4 martini in a new atmosphere will do for one’s mentality.

Oh and that’s not all either.

Something even more amazing happened to me at work yesterday. Are you ready for it? I was sitting at my desk when all of a sudden my phone vibrated to me this message, “I+think=I+figured+it+out”.

Could it be? Did my mom finally discover how to test message? A true beginner with her mistaking a plus sign for a space, but I guess we got to start somewhere. The woman still can’t figure out how to put her own phone on speaker. So the “its+mom” text that followed blew me away.

Fucking amazing!

Now when she asks me how I’m doing, I can fake enthusiam like I do with guys who I’m not really interested in, but still want the attention from, “Yeah! Dinner in a week sounds great!!!” * happy face * xo / *thumbs up *!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Was that not convincing?

And the best part is that when I send her a drunk text she will actually think we are communicating...

Me: “I’m a bar=threw=up, can’t panties find hair+++” * smiley face *.

Mom: “+++hope+you re Not=getting sick-have=fun+” *eyeless smiley face *