Can't you see my halo?

I went on a date last night with married guy. He’s divorced now. It’s funny how things happen. My very first post on this blog was about having an affair with married guy and here I am dating him. Well let me clarify, his wife had up and left him for eight months before he met me. Why? That is their business, not mine.

Anyway, we actually had a really nice time. It sucks because besides from all the drama, him and me really have a great friendship. Yes I agree, Ms Puddin’ has bad taste in men. Yes I agree, I probably have no business giving him of all people a second chance, but he took me to Maggianos.

Fatty’s hungry, fatty’s got to eat.

Then he took me to a nice little bar tucked away where we could enjoy each other’s company. Man he had all the tricks up his sleeve that night. Taking me to a bar is like taking a five-year-old to Legoland, just heavenly, simply the best.

No sex, but I don’t regret bringing him back into my life. I think time is on my side on this one. Not to mention, the ex, (my most recent trespassing victim) called to say that he has up and moved to Atlanta. Good. Maybe I will finally get over getting drunk, hopping his fence and stalking him.

Time for MsP to find some new hobbies… sewing, pottery, cooking? I told my guy friend the other day that I was going to go grocery shopping.

He’s all, “why, since when do you cook?” And then he started busting up laughing.

Damn.

“Ok maybe I can’t cook, but I can make a mean cocktail,” I replied.

“I don’t doubt that,” he responded back.

I’m Like Totally Not in High School Anymore

It has been sooooo freakin’ hot over here the last two days. And the f*cked up part is that it’s hotter inside my house than it is outside.

Also for the last week and a half I have been getting phone calls from an anonymous number in my area. They call and breathe a little bit into my ear, before I hang up.

I got excited at first. Yay, I have a stalker, maybe they will bring me some Starbucks or something. Then I got irritated as they continued to play on my phone. So I texted the number asking who it was. They texted back, “don’t worry about who I am, but I know who you are.”

I’m like, “that’s great that you know who I am. If you want to converse then speak up when you call me, otherwise stop calling my phone!”

Crazy anonymous stalker texted me back, “I wasn’t the one calling you, my boyfriend Mike Perkins is the one who has been calling you.”

At first I panicked. Oh sh*t, did I get drunk and leave my panties at some guy’s house? I racked my brain, Mike? Who the f*ck is Mike Perkins? Then I started laughing. He was the hot bartender at my old job. The one who I’ve flirted with, gave my number to, but never hung out with. Besides, he told me he didn’t have a girlfriend. Men. I think they are programmed to say, “I don’t have a girlfriend.” Right.

So anyway, I called him and I’m like, “Mike, is your last name Perkins?”

“Yeah”, he said, like he already knew what was up.

“Um can you tell your crazy girlfriend to stop calling my phone?” I asked.

“I know. I’m sorry, but it’s out of my hands. We haven’t been together in awhile. She’s trippin’,” he replied.

What do you mean it's out of your hands? You better handle that, homie.

Great. Just great. It’s cool. I think I could take her…

When it rains, I get random phone calls...

Yesterday was a strange day. I actually went to work on time. I didn’t do much all day but sit at my desk watching the rain sprinkle onto the pavement and cars splash puddles on pedestrians. I did, however, witness a few couples screaming their brains out at each other in front of the building.

At my day job the office is joint with attorneys and therapists. Random? I know. Around lunchtime there was a couple who had just finished up a counseling session and started walking out the front door when I got a phone call. I’m on the phone with my friend for maybe about ten minutes before I finally tune into the yelling coming from right out in front of the building. I look out the window, the couple is still standing outside and the husband is ripping the wife another one.

I wish a n*gga would, in public, after a therapy session. So he growls around for about ten more minutes, when eventually they split off and go in separate cars.

Divorce! * cough * *cough * Divorce!

Then not even like five minutes later I hear a woman, with tears streaming down her face, walk past the office window. She’s screaming at someone behind her in a whiny voice, “you never listen to me!” Walking a few feet behind her is (I’m guessing) her man, who is like, “yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.”

The irony of the day is that married guy called me. Whoa, talk about random and awkward. Unless it is a position I wake up in after a night of drinking, I don’t do awkward.

I don’t even know why I answered. I knew it was his number, I guess I was just bored at work. For those of you that don’t know, this is the same guy who didn’t brush his teeth for a week because he used his toothbrush to clean his watch. The same guy who married his wife because she cleaned his Jordans without him asking. (Oh wow! She’s a keeper! Is that all I have to do to get a man? Clean his shoes and buy him a toothbrush?)

Well, if his title doesn’t already give it away, he’s the guy who casually tossed in the fact he was married after we were already dating for three months. Bastard. And let’s be honest I was kind of deep in it when he told me, so yes, the relationship lingered at little bit longer.

Why did he call? He basically wanted to apologize for how things ended between us. He felt bad about our situation and wanted to treat me to dinner or a movie. Something about preserving our friendship because I made him happy. All I really heard through the phone was, blah, blah, blah, dinner, blah, blah, blah. Whatever, I’m over it.

On another note…

A Sex 22

"The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... I can resist everything but temptation." -Oscar Wilde


So it’s official.
I’m a hussy.

I’m the other woman that is screwing your man on the glass table in your dining room. I was enjoying it too. Until I realized I would be stigmatized for the late night phone calls, the expensive dinners and receiving great head. I prefer to keep my sexcapades with men that don’t have someone bitching in their ear or potentially me.


I don’t think that my immorality is entirely my fault either. I plead guilty.

I mean if you take an oath with God, yourself, or your wife and have filled out the paperwork of commitment, shouldn't your fidelity be guaranteed? I’m not saying all men are cheaters. Although, with my luck and this particular experience, married guy had the audacity to go out of his way to meet me.

I fell for the sweet lines, guilty pleasures and missed the fact that he was not wearing a wedding ring. Then one random day over breakfast married guy casually tosses in the fact that he’s tied down with a wife and a mortgage.

I mean wtf!!??? “Oh by the way would you be mad if I was married?” doesn’t exactly go well with bacon and eggs.

There was a bad taste in my mouth when he told me. I guess my red sanity flag should have gone up when I was invited over and exposed to white walls, instead of photos framing portraits of family and friends. I visualized the places married guy and I had become one in his condo. The intimate shower romp, the rug burns from the carpet, the knotted-up sweaty bed sheets. I remembered how I would lick the juices from his lips after he’d tasted me and him cuming all over my back whispering praises in my ear.

Married guy then tells me (after ruining a perfectly good breakfast) that he just wanted to see if he “still had it”.

Still had what exactly? I guess he wanted to see if he had the ability to screw me from behind and her in the heart. And in the midst of everything blaming me for making a big deal out of the situation.

You have got to be kidding me!!!

It’s like I have a big stamp on my forehead or a flashing neon sign on my back. (OK this is turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy). I mean don’t get me wrong, I actually enjoy being single. However, I for sure don’t want to see my future as the innocent housewife wearing Steve Maddens instead of Manolo Blahniks.

Men are either bad boys or too damn nice.
Can there not be an in between guy. I want to meet my in between guy. One who makes my toes curl, who is soft on the inside and rough on the outside. I want him to come with a big f*cking bow wrapped around his mouth, so I don’t have to listen to his bullsh*t.

Is that too much to ask? Can’t we compromise? Can he be physically and emotionally available? Baggage free, so that I can enjoy the sex, without thinking of his wife crying in the back of my mind, because someone else is sitting on her man’s dick.

Some men are just greedy. They want their cake and they want to eat you too. Married guy was persistent in his search for the perfect sexual fantasy affair.

"Can we at least be friends, " he asked.

"Sure," I said. "Why don't you, me and your wife go out to lunch sometime and talk about the gorgeous view from your balcony."

The affair fizzled, soon after his lame requests. There is nothing sexy about dating a married man. Nothing.