Monday, October 22, 2007

Men are from Mars and other thoughts about the penis...

Lately I’ve noticed I have, give-my-number-out-to-any-guy-who-asks-for-it, syndrome. I mean I’ve always done this, but never sober. Tasting Fresh Banana Puddin’ shouldn’t be this easy (desperate). I don’t know what has happened to me.

Ever since my perfect boyfriend in high school, things seemed to have gone down hill in the dating department. If my man wasn’t busy sticking his shaboinka in foreign vaginas while we are supposed to be in love, he’s turned out to be a pothead or has a bad case of frugalitis. (Can a sista get a happy meal)!?

There has been an interesting cast of characters over the years…

I've had from, bad kissers to bad tippers, guys with no cars and guys with crazy sisters...

I once dated a guy who told me that he hadn’t brushed his teeth in a week, because he used his toothbrush to clean his watch. Then there was the guy who complimented my nice big white teeth and the way my eyebrows arched. (Gee, thanks buddy, you forgot to mention my sexy fingernail beds and bendy elbows).

One time I called my ex to tell him I was thinking about him and I hoped he was thinking of me too. (I was having a girl moment. Sue me). In response he told me he wasn't thinking about me, because he was too busy playing video games. Go ahead and laugh because I did. I was like, damn, what a waste. I gave this guy my number and was nice to him, for nothing.

Maybe I should lower my standards. I might be too picky. When I give out my number I’m going to start giving a quick, are-your-standards-low-enough-to-taste-Puddin’, test:

1. Do you brush your teeth and shower on a daily basis? Weekly?
2. If you had to choose between an ice-cold beer and having sex with me, which one would you choose?
3. What are your hobbies? Could rubbing my feet become one of them?
4. Do you have a GED? College degree? A job?
5. Are you married?
6. If you have a kid, is he/she a snot nosed brat or could you see us watching Saturday morning cartoons together?
7. Name three women body parts that don’t start with the letter B…
8. Stick out your tongue and say, “I like Fresh Banana Puddin.’
9. Is your bank account negative, with a note attached that says, “You will never catch up”?
10.Do you watch, “A Shot At Love: Tila Tequila,” on MTV? “The Bachelor”? “Extreme Make Over: Home Edition”? (Please say no).

My next step, lesbianism…

18 comments:

Mister Underhill said...

These are some great questions.

Especially the way you slip the 'are you married?' one in quietly in the middle. It's actually a question I need to start asking at some point.

Female body parts that don't start with a b is also a good one.

Sadly, I do watch extreme makerover home edition with my mom from timt to time, but honestly I'm not gay. I'm just tired of dighting her for the remote.

Bella said...

Poor MsP. It's rough out there isn't it?

What is this world coming to?

Luckily I have a pretty good guy that I've been able to train over the years...

Some are trainable, some aren't.

:)

NYCPonderings Chick said...

I cant even see the words 'til tequila' without wanting to vomit a bit...also watch out for men who like the movie serendipity

Kitty said...

baby there are no men good enough for you! now, about that lesbianism thing....

call me.

MsPuddin said...

mister underhill- I guess with mom it doesn’t count because technically you re not dating her. But if it is preventing you from getting some booty, then there is a problem…

body parts without using the letter B is harder than I thought…

bella- it is tough and I’m not complaining, just trying to figure this whole thing out. Glad to hear you ve trained your man. Hold onto to that, you ll miss it when he’s gone…

NYC- there are guys who like that movie? Interesting. Yeah I threw up too after watching ONE episode of that show…

kitty- I’m not giving up quite yet, but if I do, you will be the first person I call…

onthevirg said...

2. If you had to choose between an ice-cold beer and having sex with me, which one would you choose?

Wait a gdamn minute! Why isn't one of those options, have a nice cold beer while we're having sex?! I mean, then it's the best of both worlds.

So@24 said...

May I?

1. I do so on a nightly basis. I have to. If I skip once, I feel guilty for the next 24 hours.
2. I drink beer so that I can have the courage to talk to girls so that I can sleep with them. See how sex is always the ultimate goal?
3. Feet rubbing? Grey territory. I think we'd have to be dating for awhile.
4. A BA and something that pays me money. Not too shabby
5. Hahahahah! -wipes tear-
6. You're slaying me. I don't have kids, but I love cartoons. Can we do that anyway or did I totally cockblock myself? Is it too late to delet...
7. Brea... boo... bu
8. eye lie fweth bana pudde
9. Damn.
10. I enjoy scoring myself on Jeopardy. That's about the only tv I watch.

8/10 aint bad.

Betty Boob Hug said...

fuck it sounds rough out in the dating world. I'll just stick at home then with my three noisy kids and fighting them for the remote control and the last choccie biscuit in the packet.

I had a good chuckle though...

and go the lesbianism! I've certainly thought about it.....

STILL_POCAHONTAZ said...

MS P, ya got me nervous, dont head to the L WORD girl, dont do it, ya been hinting about that for a minute now, dont go there yet, no hate but I love love love how Kitty made her move...LMAO

Girl its when your not looking for a man when a hard, stiff, warm, and stern........handshake will meet your acquaintance with all the qualities you desire.

country roads said...

I'm siding with OTV on that point.

and I'm passing the other questions with flying colours ;-)

Don said...

hmm @ kitty

MsP, stop making these folks think you are having men problems. How can you have men problems when you had women even hittin' on you.

Don't lie to me, mane. lol

BottleBlonde said...

This entire post reminds me why I decided to take up asexual reproduction in the first place. I can fuck myself and clone my hotness.

Mortarbored said...

I just that Tila Tequila show for the first time the other night when I was hanging out at a friend's place. And it was on his 50 in LCD TV. Kinda scary...

MsPuddin said...

onthevirg- you know what? Why don’t you enjoy your nice cold beer and this poon will go find another penis.

so@24- great answers! You will make someone very happy someday…or right now if you would just get drunk and do what I say!

bettyboob- no offense, but I’ll stick to the dating lol

still_pocahantaz- I’m playin, I’m playin, damn. Lol that’s how I want it to be. I want, as you say, a nice, hard, stiff, warm and stern one to smack me upside the head.

country roads- I’m not sure what that means, exactly, but I won’t question it…

don- you know, the problem is getting people to hit on me, I have plenty of that, its getting the ones that hit on me to be somewhat normal? I guess is the word I’m looking for…

bottleblonde- I like your thinking! I love when you rub your giant boobies together and come up with great ideas!

mortarbored- Yeah I don’t have cable. So I was at my buddy’s (I think he might have the same TV) house and he’s one of those people who has MTV on ALL THE TIME. That show came on and you know, I’m glad I don’t pay for cable…lol One of my MySpace friends is on that show, weird.

Hex said...

Come on now -- that Tila show is comedy gold, even if it's for all the wrong reasons.

ps -- Bendy elbows are hot.

MsPuddin said...

aha! You admit you watch it then...yes I like to rub oil on my bendy elbows...

Hex said...

I fully admit it. I'll even stick my tongue out and say it *lol*

Sojourner G said...

Laughin out loud at #8!