Lately I’ve noticed I have, give-my-number-out-to-any-guy-who-asks-for-it, syndrome. I mean I’ve always done this, but never sober. Tasting Fresh Banana Puddin’ shouldn’t be this easy (desperate). I don’t know what has happened to me.
Ever since my perfect boyfriend in high school, things seemed to have gone down hill in the dating department. If my man wasn’t busy sticking his shaboinka in foreign vaginas while we are supposed to be in love, he’s turned out to be a pothead or has a bad case of frugalitis. (Can a sista get a happy meal)!?
There has been an interesting cast of characters over the years…
I've had from, bad kissers to bad tippers, guys with no cars and guys with crazy sisters...
I once dated a guy who told me that he hadn’t brushed his teeth in a week, because he used his toothbrush to clean his watch. Then there was the guy who complimented my nice big white teeth and the way my eyebrows arched. (Gee, thanks buddy, you forgot to mention my sexy fingernail beds and bendy elbows).
One time I called my ex to tell him I was thinking about him and I hoped he was thinking of me too. (I was having a girl moment. Sue me). In response he told me he wasn't thinking about me, because he was too busy playing video games. Go ahead and laugh because I did. I was like, damn, what a waste. I gave this guy my number and was nice to him, for nothing.
Maybe I should lower my standards. I might be too picky. When I give out my number I’m going to start giving a quick, are-your-standards-low-enough-to-taste-Puddin’, test:
1. Do you brush your teeth and shower on a daily basis? Weekly?
2. If you had to choose between an ice-cold beer and having sex with me, which one would you choose?
3. What are your hobbies? Could rubbing my feet become one of them?
4. Do you have a GED? College degree? A job?
5. Are you married?
6. If you have a kid, is he/she a snot nosed brat or could you see us watching Saturday morning cartoons together?
7. Name three women body parts that don’t start with the letter B…
8. Stick out your tongue and say, “I like Fresh Banana Puddin.’
9. Is your bank account negative, with a note attached that says, “You will never catch up”?
10.Do you watch, “A Shot At Love: Tila Tequila,” on MTV? “The Bachelor”? “Extreme Make Over: Home Edition”? (Please say no).
My next step, lesbianism…