Tuesday, October 2, 2007

A Fair Warning

Dear mom and dad,

If you continue to read this blog we are going to have a problem.

I can’t write and get things off my chest when you two are constantly reading over my shoulder. I will lose readers and inspiration if I can’t write about the things I want to write about in fear of you disowning me or having me committed.

Like for example, I can’t write about the time I got drunk, woke up in the park three days later, in a puddle of my own vomit and couldn’t find my underwear. (For the record I did eventually find them, them being my underwear, I just had to make a few phone calls first).

If you continue to read this blog, I will have to think twice before admitting that I’ve turned to selling drugs ever since you two stopped paying for things. I mean I probably shouldn’t be telling you two about this, but I have to admit being a drug dealer actually wasn’t that bad. Everything was great, until I tried some of my stash and got a slight addiction problem and smoked up my entire supply.

So since I couldn’t afford to pay back my dealer, I decided to start hooking for money. Hooking is awesome, by the way, because I like having sex with strangers and the “no strings attached” factor is also a plus. I’ve only caught a couple STDs, but it’s actually worth it because I have enough cash now to support my drug habit. In fact I liked hooking so much, I went ahead and let the local college football team run a train on me and take pictures, you can find them at mspuddinsohorny.com.

So now you can see why it is very important that you two stop reading my blog. I know I’m cool and we go back like four flats on a Cadillac, but I just think for everyone’s sanity it would be best to slow down on the Puddin’ entertainment. There are more exciting things you two can do on a Saturday night. Like have sex! (Yes, I figured out where babies come from).

I guess this letter is more of a disclaimer than anything. This blog is rated NP for No Parents! Parents with daughters should never, ever read their daughters blog, unless they are under the influence of alcohol or highly medicated.

Thank you for having me and call me if you need any erectile stimulants. I got the hook up.

Love,

Your one and only daughter,
Ms Fresh Banana Puddin’

19 comments:

Opinionated Diva said...

lmao@you are hilarious!

I have absolutely no intention of telling my family about my blog. Maybe one of my sisters, but that's it.

Mom and Dad said...

Oh, baby, we know'd you was a freak when you was fus bone. I membas when you used to hump on yo brotha's G.I. Joes. He had to throw 'em all away afta you was done wit'em. Chil', you takes afta yo Aunt Shirley. She was a freak, too. Baby, mommy and daddy ain't no prudes. Shoot, we gits down airy 5th Sunday! Dat Viagra is the Heezy fo Sheezy. Hell, I even takes it, wit my Gray Goose. So, baby, gon' and do yo thang. Git yo swirve own. Matta fack, you can come own home and do it hur ifin ya won'ts ta. Maybe momma can sho you a thing or two. Take that thang!! Take that thang!!!

Now where my teef. ROBERT! You seen my teef?! RO-BUT!!

Mister Underhill said...

How did they find it, anyhow?

Ms. Behaving said...

ROTFLMAO @ this post! Hilarious I say...just hilarious!!!

STILL_POCAHONTAZ said...

Imma be prayin for you sugah!!!

BottleBlonde said...

... we go back like four flats on a Cadillac ...

I will be stealing that saying. Thank you very much.

And hahahaha! You are a hoot! But I'm perplexed. WHY in the world would you encourage your parents to have sex? Parents should be spending their time thinking up ways to send you money and gifts - not having sex.

MsPuddin said...

opinionated diva- trust me, this was NOT part of the plan…

m & d- no comment…um because you are not my real parents…

mister underhill- I showed my mom a post a long time ago on her computer, so now they have the link. She emailed me to tell me she caught my dad reading it the other day and since he was laughing, she decided to read what was so funny…

ms. behaving- this is no laughing matter! J/k

still_pocahontaz- thanks! My parents are going to need the prayer after reading this blog…

bottleblonde- I’d rather have them gettin’ it on than reading my blog…and four flats is all yours, you can also have, “we’re cool like the other side of the pillow.”

Muze said...

LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

whew, this made my night. i am seriously cracking up.

Muze said...

oh, and since i told my mom about my blog, how about she STARTED one!! AND she has me linked....so i understand how you feel, totally. lol.

Bella said...

LMAO! That's hilarious.

My family doesn't know about my blog. Not that there's much ON it, but...

Suite B said...

I was just sent to you blog and what can I say other than...THANK YOU FOR THE LAUGHS

MsPuddin said...

muze- LOL I definitely feel you too. My mom blogs too and she keeps sending people to my blog. She “promises” that she doesn’t read it, but I don’t know anymore…I give up.

bella- it was my mom’s idea for me to start the blog, so I got to give her some credit. That’s funny your family doesn’t even KNOW about your blog, you re so secretive Bella!

suite b- oh really? By who? Welcome, glad I could put a smile on your face…

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I'd like to get something off your chest - your BRA!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

country roads said...

My oh my...

Drea said...

Oh my DAMN!!!

Don said...

MsP, MsP, MsP...I enjoyed the tripped out read.

Mortarbored said...

That...was quite a chuckle. Keep at it.

MsPuddin said...

mighty dyckerson- can I call you dyck!!? Only if you take it of with your tongue and your eyes closed…

country roads- you can say that again

drea!- where have you been woman, you are supposed to be my num. 1 fan!

don- lol you sound a little traumatized

mortarbored- thanks

D. McFadden said...

i found this blog to be extremly funny! to avoid that happening to me no one who knows me knows about my blog thank god for that