Saturday, June 28, 2008

But enough about me...

What am I doing right now?

Well, if you really must know, I’m sitting at home on a Saturday night, nursing a hangover with a Bloody Mary and popcorn. (Weird combo, I know). I just don’t get it, when I am bored as f*ck, pumped up and ready to go, no one calls me or answers their phone. When I’m tired and not in the mood to socialize, everyone and the f*cking president calls me to go out.

I think even Jesus just called me to see if I wanted to go cloud hopping with him, for real.

Sorry Jesus, but I’m in for the night. I'm sitting on my couch, ah, um, reflecting. Yeah that's it, reflecting...

I had my first job interview last week. I probably shouldn’t be posting about it, seeing as how I’m trying to get a writing job and most potential employers have asked for a link to my blog along with my resume. Haha. Maybe that’s why I still haven’t found a job?

Anyway, during my interview, she kept coming back to the same question of, “so what do you like to do?” or “so tell me about yourself.” By the third time she asked me what my hobbies were, I was really tempted to go ahead and tell her.

“In my spare time I dress up like a dominatrix, stalk the evil lurkers in the night and break dance. (I can do a killer robot). I also enjoy getting drunk, hopping my ex’s fence and passing out on his doorstep.”

Violá! So there you have it. I’m just your average Puddin’.

Seriously, how much should people be allowed to talk about themselves? Is it just me, or is it awkward to continuously toot your own horn? Ok kind of funny how that last sentence can be interpreted in more ways than one…

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Can't you see my halo?

I went on a date last night with married guy. He’s divorced now. It’s funny how things happen. My very first post on this blog was about having an affair with married guy and here I am dating him. Well let me clarify, his wife had up and left him for eight months before he met me. Why? That is their business, not mine.

Anyway, we actually had a really nice time. It sucks because besides from all the drama, him and me really have a great friendship. Yes I agree, Ms Puddin’ has bad taste in men. Yes I agree, I probably have no business giving him of all people a second chance, but he took me to Maggianos.

Fatty’s hungry, fatty’s got to eat.

Then he took me to a nice little bar tucked away where we could enjoy each other’s company. Man he had all the tricks up his sleeve that night. Taking me to a bar is like taking a five-year-old to Legoland, just heavenly, simply the best.

No sex, but I don’t regret bringing him back into my life. I think time is on my side on this one. Not to mention, the ex, (my most recent trespassing victim) called to say that he has up and moved to Atlanta. Good. Maybe I will finally get over getting drunk, hopping his fence and stalking him.

Time for MsP to find some new hobbies… sewing, pottery, cooking? I told my guy friend the other day that I was going to go grocery shopping.

He’s all, “why, since when do you cook?” And then he started busting up laughing.


“Ok maybe I can’t cook, but I can make a mean cocktail,” I replied.

“I don’t doubt that,” he responded back.

Monday, June 23, 2008

I'm changing my name to Candy...

So here I am a 24-year-old bartender covered in tattoos. I have a degree, but my skills are limited to me being good in bed and I could probably sleep for 72 hours straight. (Oh I’m experienced baby). My hobbies include drinking and trespassing. Unfortunately I can’t put any of those qualifications on my resume, most companies are looking for a little more, um, depth.

I think I might be having a quarter life crisis.

And to top it all off, I missed the opportunity to celebrate my one year anniversary as a blogger. =( (June 17th, boo-yah!)

Looking at the glass half empty this blows. I go to school all my life and now I have to work until I die. Looking at the glass half full I went to school all my life and now I have to get a job and work until I die. Wait. Ok either way I’m screwed. I’m job-hunting right now and boy does it suck. Can’t I get drunk and lose my panties for the rest of my life? I don’t want to grow up. Growing up sucks. Boo.

It’s kind of funny I post this after telling Nick Hogan to bend over and take it like a man. I’m not going to compare myself to him, but I really need to get my life together. I was looking through the classifieds and our local strip joint is hiring. Hmmmm...

I apologize for my lack of blogging. I need some motivation, a boob job and a sugar daddy. In no particular order…

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Just a few random things I thought I'd bitch about...

Ok so I’m jumping on the bandwagon, I am now officially a Celtics fan. Seriously, last night the Celtics put the Laker’s asses on a silver platter with croissants and served it to them. Bon appetit.” Not only that, but the west coast is not doing so hot in sports period. The Celtics, the Red Sox, the Patriots, etc., the west coast needs to step their game up.

On another note, Hulk Hogan’s son, Nick is a little whiny bitch. This fool has the nerve to drink and drive, turning his friend, (not some random person in the street), but his friend into a vegetable and complain about it. His friend is breathing through a machine and he has the nerve to bitch about how hard jail is. Whaaaaa, whaaaa, whaaaaaaaaa. Man, bend over, pick up your soap and take it like a man.

Oh and this is not funny. AT ALL…

I'm out of town again bitches. I'm sneaking computer time right now, literally in a dark corner, hiding. Be back soon...

Friday, June 13, 2008


Ok I’m back, but before I get into my trip let me just say I am shocked that some of you don’t know what a donkey show is. Although, lets just keep it that way, shall we? Also I didn't bring the digital, because I didn't want to get drunk and drop it in the pool or period. So this trip is brought to you by Kodak...

Mexico was fucking fantastic.

I’ve never been outside of the U.S. before. By my third night in Cabo I was literally living off of anti-diarrhea medicine, nacho cheese and espressos. I was afraid to shit because I wasn’t sure what was going to come out of my ass, but it was so worth it.

In fact, when my girl told her grandma we were going to Mexico, her grandma told her to go to the pharmacy and specifically tell them, “I’m going to Mexico”. We came loaded with sunscreen, Excedrin, Chasers, Tylenol, Advil, tampons, anti-diarrhea medication, Beano and of course Pedialyte.

We were not playing around.

Our flight left out of San Francisco early Saturday morning.

My girl started drinking on the flight, while I passed out. When we landed she turned to me and said, “I think I’m already hung over.” I started laughing. It was going to be an interesting vacation.

After we went through customs, immigration and all of that, our resort was a 45-minute drive from the airport. When we pulled up to the Rio Santa Fe, they handed us two Coronas and two shots of tequila. No, I’m serious, they really did...

Our trip was all-inclusive so once we checked in, they gave us wristbands, which made it possible for us to eat and drink anywhere at the resort at any time. There was a mini bar in our room that they restocked every 24-hours if necessary. There was a 24-hour sports bar, a disco, swim up bars, side bars, hard bars, back bars, tequila bars, ok you get the point.

After we got settled and dressed to go out, we headed for the sports bar. I asked Pedro (the guy behind the bar) if he had any blueberry vodka.

“Jajajaja,” he said. And then he made us these…

Some blue drank! (Laughing, because it was all bad after that, for real). It was a "adios motherfucker" without ice (sin yellow).

I don't know if we were extra friendly or just drunk, because we met a lot of people while we were there.

Here’s “wedding-dress-guy”…

He was getting married so his friends bought him a prom-like wedding dress and made him wear it. Meanwhile, his fiancé was in Vegas.

Here are our Canadian boys…

We played a mean game of volleyball and I sprained my thumb. =(

These two were on their honeymoon...

She had the nicest fake titties I’ve ever seen. My girl passed out drunk in between her boobs and she’s all, “honey, while you're down there can you suck one of my nipples?”

If it's not obvious enough, we did A LOT of drinking, which all started with that blue drank.

Round 1…mai tais...

Round 2... miami vices...

Round 637... some crazy ass shots...

Now shimmy!!!

I think I woke up everyday twitching like a fish. However, they make an awesome Bloody Mary, extra spicy. We hardly spent any time in our room, but we had a nice view.

Good times, but I'm glad I made it back.

Friday, June 6, 2008

The last place I need to party…

Well part of my graduation gift from my parents is a trip to Mexico. Probably not the best place for me to go, considering my alcoholic tendencies.

However, I made a pact with myself that when I get back it’s time to focus on my next move (in life). I just hope I don’t end up in jail with a burrito in my ass or in a donkey show.

Well, anyway, wish me luck blogworld. I’ll be gone for a week, but hopefully I will make it back in one piece, with pictures and stories to share.


ps- I (finally) responded to the comments on the last two posts.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Debauchery and Dating 101

Ok I’m fired from dating. And I’m fired from drinking. I’m fired from drinking and dating at the same time. Seriously. Technically the events that took place last night were not all my fault…

First of all, my date (the cute boy toy I met at the mall the other day) stressed that he wanted me to save my appetite until 7, but was late. Since he was running late, I decided to go over to my girl’s job (a dive bar) and have a drink while I was waiting.

No worries, I’ll preserve my appetite with liquor.

Let me tell you, plopping down at a bar while saying in a bitter tone, “I’m going to cut off my vagina and sell it on eBay,” will get you a free drink. I finished my first drink and was still waiting on my date.

I must have either looked a) miserable or b) easy, because another guy came over and told my girl my next drink was on him. She suggested a drink since I’ve been so into rum lately. I didn’t know at the time, but this bitch gave me a drink with Coconut Malibu, redbull, pineapple juice and a 151 floater. What!? Let me tell you, me and 151 go way back and we don’t get along. 151 makes me feel and act like Johnny Depp in FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS. For real, the room is spinning and I’d like to get off please.

So anyway, I finished my second drink right when my date calls me. I tell him he might as well come pick me up since he is just around the corner. We go to dinner and I have a Mai Tai. Yup. Sure did. By now I’m getting kind of loud and honest. I’m seriously leaning over to this old Indian dude at the bar, next to me, (not my date) and flirting? Yes, fucking flirting. Gheezus.

After dinner I tell my date to take me back to the bar because I’m going to just spend the rest of the night out with some friends. He’s like, “no, I’m going with you.” Um ok, hop on cowboy, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

When we get back to the bar, my friend calls me and says he’s at the local college hangout spot. I convince my date (who is sober, btw) to drive me over there. We get there and it’s actually crackin’. There’s a DJ and we head straight for the dance floor. I start shakin’ my ass like I’m auditioning for a music video. Except, I don’t think I would have got the part.

Let me sum up the night:

I yelled at my date at some point to, “get me a fucking drink!” (Ah such a lady). After my date and I finally parted ways, I drunk dialed my ex. I hopped my ex’s fence. (AGAIN) And passed out on his doorstep. I woke up at about 5am freezing, wondering how and where and what the fuck just happened!

Like I said, fired.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Don't freak out, change can be good...

I noticed that people haven’t really been blogging much lately.

I thought it was just me, and I felt bad for slacking on posting and commenting. However, slowly some of my favorite bloggers are disappearing, posting less and less.

I started this blog, because I was going through a really hard time. (* tear *) A small piece of that time in my life had to do with me having no direction. A part of me didn’t care, which I found out, is normal. (So is going to the movies by yourself and thinking you’re a ninja, cuz’ I am). I liked my wild ways, and me, but another part of me understood that I needed to get my shit together. Yes, I said shit.

Blogging became therapeutic and I fell in love with writing all over again. Writing and I soon came to enjoy romantic dinners and long walks on the beach, as we gazed adoringly into each others creativity. We connected. We vibed. More importantly, writing took my mind off of my crazy life. I was able to get my racing thoughts into cyberspace and out of my head.

In the beginning I would just tell stories of the crazy things that happened to me during the day, in relation to men, booze, my job, etc. Eventually those stories turned into an addiction. Never in my life had I been able to write and say what I wanted to say, with such positive and witty feedback.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am still here. I’m still Ms Fresh Banana Puddin’, but as things in my life are evolving expect to see some changes in my writing.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being my blogging family. Thanks for being you. ;p