Thursday, June 5, 2008

Debauchery and Dating 101

Ok I’m fired from dating. And I’m fired from drinking. I’m fired from drinking and dating at the same time. Seriously. Technically the events that took place last night were not all my fault…

First of all, my date (the cute boy toy I met at the mall the other day) stressed that he wanted me to save my appetite until 7, but was late. Since he was running late, I decided to go over to my girl’s job (a dive bar) and have a drink while I was waiting.

No worries, I’ll preserve my appetite with liquor.

Let me tell you, plopping down at a bar while saying in a bitter tone, “I’m going to cut off my vagina and sell it on eBay,” will get you a free drink. I finished my first drink and was still waiting on my date.

I must have either looked a) miserable or b) easy, because another guy came over and told my girl my next drink was on him. She suggested a drink since I’ve been so into rum lately. I didn’t know at the time, but this bitch gave me a drink with Coconut Malibu, redbull, pineapple juice and a 151 floater. What!? Let me tell you, me and 151 go way back and we don’t get along. 151 makes me feel and act like Johnny Depp in FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS. For real, the room is spinning and I’d like to get off please.

So anyway, I finished my second drink right when my date calls me. I tell him he might as well come pick me up since he is just around the corner. We go to dinner and I have a Mai Tai. Yup. Sure did. By now I’m getting kind of loud and honest. I’m seriously leaning over to this old Indian dude at the bar, next to me, (not my date) and flirting? Yes, fucking flirting. Gheezus.

After dinner I tell my date to take me back to the bar because I’m going to just spend the rest of the night out with some friends. He’s like, “no, I’m going with you.” Um ok, hop on cowboy, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

When we get back to the bar, my friend calls me and says he’s at the local college hangout spot. I convince my date (who is sober, btw) to drive me over there. We get there and it’s actually crackin’. There’s a DJ and we head straight for the dance floor. I start shakin’ my ass like I’m auditioning for a music video. Except, I don’t think I would have got the part.

Let me sum up the night:

I yelled at my date at some point to, “get me a fucking drink!” (Ah such a lady). After my date and I finally parted ways, I drunk dialed my ex. I hopped my ex’s fence. (AGAIN) And passed out on his doorstep. I woke up at about 5am freezing, wondering how and where and what the fuck just happened!

Like I said, fired.

35 comments:

James Tubman said...

u tell some nice stories

unfortunately some of them are true lol

what's a mai tai

i'm quitting with you homie

i'll learn to play the guitar or something like chuck berry lol

and learn mandarin and korean so I can see what they re saying in their native language lol

John Barleycorn said...

Hahahaha -- awesome story. What's with you continuously stalking your ex-boyfriend? And I love that you demanded a drink, replete with obscenities. Do you think he'll call again? Or maybe he'll find this blog....

The Doggy Did It said...

Oh, I would love a Mai Tai!!


Girl, you are crazy...I have been on that exact same date though. Hopefully it was not the same guy, cause that would be one unlucky mother fucker.

Jocular Schlemiel said...

Is this a normal night for you? If so, when are we chillin?

anonymousnupe said...

And this is the newly minted scholar P!! Just think what would have happened a few weeks ago, before she was all degreed up!

She W0rd Hustlez said...

Well I can surely see why you're fired from dating AND drinking. LMAO@cutting your vagina off and selling it on eBay though. I may have to use that line and get myself a free drink this weekend. Well all in all, ol' dude seemed to have an alright attitude about you being under the influence. 151 and I do not mix either so I know how you must've felt. These stories of yours give me mixed emotions, but they are only humorous because you handle them with the best fuck it attitude I've seen in a long time!

Mary said...

You're a gat dam graduate, girl- straighten up! and 'James tubman- what's a mai tai- oh lord! COngratulations, btw, nice work.

G-Sweet said...

“get me a fucking drink!”... hahahaha... u r 2 much!...lmao!...

this story was entertaining until... u visited the ex... ummmmmm... we're gonna sit and have a talk b4 this weekend is over...

NYCPonderings Chick said...

you are seriously priceless...I normally get drunk and yell at my dates too though, so I wouldnt worry I think there are a bunch of us angry drunk dating girls all over the place...glad you fell asleep on a lawn..

Demon Hunter said...

Oh my God. You were asleep on his porch? LOL. Girl, stop that drinkin'. I don't drink so I don't know what it's like to be drunk. Just never had a desire I guess...

c.watson said...

I love that this happened right after you posted about change. So did you lose your panties too? Because that would have been great. Maybe you should ask your ex to keep a blanket by his door just in case.

Muze said...

girl, you ARE fired from drinking. asap. lol.

... i think the date would have gone a little different if you hadn't been drunk, so ... you're not fired from dating just yet.

just drinking. lol.

karrie b. said...

i'm coming to cali and hang wif you.

dead ass.

-KB

kayellejaye said...

I'm no science genius, but I'm thinking puddin' and rum...not a good combination.

I wonder if there'll be a second date??

YoungBlackBeauty said...

WOW. LMAO! Doesn't look like you'll be getting a second date. I feel bad for the poor guy seeing how you guys met all sweet and stuff.

Now waking up outside your ex's house is a trip and kinda scary. I would hate to get that drunk! Fired isn't quite the word, more like revoked for five years! LOL!

Lady Cameleon said...

"i thought we made a deal!"....*shaking head* and backing out slowly...actually quickly....lol

Slausin-Ass Slaus said...

Baby, what in haha hell is wrong with you!!! Lets go over some things!

1). You are too damn small to go off drinking anything with 151 in it. Professional drinker or not. You can set a whole forest on fire with a thimble of 151

2). Will you please stop harassing your damn ex!!! Passed out on his doorstep looking like a Public service announcement. Pretty girls should NEVER look homeless. the fugg?? I should sock you in the eye.

ima beat you.

then we're going drinking

Stew said...

so i assume that he never caught you passed out on his door step huh?

i wonder if there will be a second date?

if there is, you should go drunk again. just to see what happens

Muze said...

lmao at slaus.

so poetically said. lol.

FlyyGurl said...

lmao!!!! whoa, dude. whoa.

Cunning_Linguist said...

so uh..... when does the bidding start on that vagina? *checks bank account*

Tex said...

Haha, sounds like a great night for your date - it's heaps of fun being around drunk people when you are not, especially if one is your date and she's using you as transport to the next flirt opportunity - you are all class, lol.

KIKI said...

I would damn sure take your date over the one I had last week!

But ummmmm...I'm thinkin a road trip is in order so we can hang out...

You think they ready for us? LOL

Monie said...

LMAO!

Your stories never disappoint.

Has he called you yet?

Monie said...

And did the ex find you on his doorstep??? LOL!

GorgeousPuddin said...

That story was crazy and crazy funny!
Yeah you should be fired from drinking!!!!
At least for awhile.

But I blame the bartender. 151 hell no! (gotta blame somebody)

No comment on the EX but LMAO!

Skoolboi Krush said...

Your ass wasn't too drunk to remember the ex's address and hop his fence. You needed a couple more of those joints with the 151.

That Saddity Chic said...

OMG. I don't even know what to say lol. Why didn't he open the door? What kind of man would leave you passed out on his door step?

MsPuddin said...

james t- yes, this is what happens to me when you give me 151.

A mai tai is light rum, dark rum and mixed juices. But I had a tropical mai tai, so add some orange liquor to that too.

Why you gonna quit me! So sad.

john b- wasn’t it great. Lets do it again! Kidding, kidding. Yeah he called. Why? I have no idea, we didn’t even make out.

doggy did- hahaha. Watch it was the same guy. Maybe that’s why he’s still single.

joc- oh so you want me to yell at you to “fucking get me something!” too, huh?

nupe- lol. Yeah, I know that degree didn’t help much in the dating department now did it?

she word- try it. I swear, I’ve never gotten offered a drink so fast in my life. He thought I was having a really bad day lol.

mary- thanks. I know, wait so after college you can’t act like your still in college? Oh no! I’m like the creepy older person at a high school party! Eek!

g- if your date would have done that, would you have gotten her a drink? Lol yeah yeah yeah.

nyc chick- yay! We have something in common. oh and I fell asleep on a nice scruffy door map. It smelled like shoe and I smelled like Bacardi.

demon h- wow. You got to get drunk once. Just once. My girl doesn’t drink either, then she tried it the first time on her 28th birthday. She still doesn’t drink, but she enjoyed herself.

c.w- ok im a dumbass and responded to this comment on the last post. Lol so much for change is right I can’t even remember what post I’m on, let alone find my panties…

muze- thanks. Check please. Yeah I don’t know, I don’t think he is my type anyway. I think I should focus on my career and worry about boys later.

karrie b- that might be dangerous. Lol. Two ninjas…

kay- lol yeah pudding and rum = a relationship with your toilet bowl. I doubt it.

young bb- yeah me and my friend made a deal, she’s fired from shopping and me dating.

lady c- lmao. Why and I hella slow and just now figured out what you were talking about. Yeah I fcked up.

slaus- right, ok in my defense the 151 wasn’t my idea. Ok just sock me in my stomach or something, if I have a black eye I can’t be a cute homeless girl. I’m getting pretty good at stalking, I don’t think I should quit now.

stew- naw, maybe next time I should do some drugs. Yeah! No? ok never mind.

flyyg- yeah I know. I know.

cunning l- lol 50 Gs son.

tex- hey a designated driver is a friend for life…

kiki- ok you re the third person who said that lol you guys are scaring me that you would even want to hang out with me…

monie- yeah he’s called. Weird huh.

gpuddin- I know that bartender has got to go! lol

skoolboi- I’m just so immune to it, I could probably do it sober in my sleep.

saddity chic- I don’t know what to say either. Time to put this story behind me.

G-Sweet said...

if a chick pulled the "get me a fucking drink" shit wit me... I'm assuming that was the 1st ignant thing she had said to me since the date was still goin... I'd prolly jus give her a sarcastic "yea ok"... but definately not a drink... hahahaha... pssshhht!... hell nah... but I see it worked for u!

Sabina said...

Wow. Just wow. You may not be fired, but you're definitely on probation, young lady.

CapCity said...

girl, i been fired from dating & drinkin' so many times...& they keep taking me back! guess I'm a good worker! LOL!

Afrodite said...

What the fuck are you going through? This is hilarious by the way. Especially the "get me a fucking drink" part.

Do you think he'll call?

ms.uncensored said...

lmao. this was classic. as usual u rock my socks with your stories.

Qajuan said...

(clapping)