Sunday, December 7, 2008

Plan B (not the pill)

Since the economy is down I thought it would be a good idea to revise my resume. So it’s a good thing that I have this blog full of so many things I’m good at to base my experience on…

Ms. Fresh Banana Puddin’
1000 Not Quite Sure Where I Am Avenue
You Are Here, CA 86411
1-800-FCUKOFF
mspuddin@gmail.com

OBJECTIVE
Looking for a job where no one cares about my punctual nature and sobriety.

EDUCATION
USSI - U Seem Smart Institute for becoming extra Smarter, You Are Here, CA
A Bull Shit degree in Learning
Minor in Stuff

EXPERIENCE
- Stripping
- Dancing on bars
- Drunk driving
- Any back alley
- Cheap date
- Plan B savvy
- Passing out Drunk (on doorsteps, front lawns, the back seat of your car, etc.)
- Knows someone who knows the personal assistant of the girl who was in that one movie, yeah her sister.

VOLUNTEER WORK
- N / A (I don’t do kittens, babies or old people)

AWARDS
- In The Hole Award (Puking on target)
- Nacho Champ Eater
- Falling face first an impressive amount of times

THINGS I’M GOOD AT
- Hopping fences
- Other people’s credit cards
- Getting free drinks
- Trespassing
- Losing panties
- Drunk texting / dialing / stopping by unannounced
- Getting by on a cup of noodles (Food Max, 24-pack for $3, btw)
- Dancing good while inebriated
- Holding my pee
- Creatively popping a squat
- Starting fights with bitches I don’t know…or my ex
- Decent at blowjobs, but infrequent
- Stuffing bra
- Giving number, email / address out to anyone who asks for it
- Setting things on fire

PERSONAL ATTRIBUTES
- Habitual Thrower
- Insecure
- Clumsy
- Desperate
- Fucking Crazy
- Easy

GOALS / ASPIRATIONS
- Keeping a man
- Rehab

EMPLOYMENT
42nd and Taylor 11 / 5 – current
You Are Here, CA
Corner Worker – I work hard

Burger King bathroom 4 / 08 – 11 / 1
You Are There, CA
Nothing really – sobered up and ate French fries


REFERENCES
911 – please ask for anyone who moves fast and has really good MEDs.

*A special thanks to my PA for helping me put this resume together on such short notice.

30 comments:

Folk said...

ROTFLMAO! That ish was funny as hell!

c.watson said...

OOh add to that skills list: giving friends evil hangovers especially when they have to go in to work the next day.

kenyata said...

LOL that's the best thing I have read all week. Thanks for the good laugh!

Mista Jaycee said...

LOLLOLLOL
Jaycee

YoungBlackBeauty said...

LOL Puddin!

Ms. Minnie said...

CTFU!!!!!

*flavor flav voice* wowww

MsPuddin said...

CTFU?

Qucifer said...

ROTFLMMFAO YESSSSSSSSS *copies And Pastes*

Mercy said...

i loves this chica

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Oh good Lord woman you are funny as hell!

Damn! Now I'm going to have to go change my panties as I peed a little from laughing so much.

Friggin weak bladder!

Nola Darling said...

my dear... you have just inspired a blog... ROTF!!!!!

Pronto said...

Holy hell.....

I'd hire you!

rawdawgbuffalo said...

im down with a cheap date that looses her panties

Hadassah said...

hahahahahaha too funny

Krissyface said...

You're awesome. I totally laughed my ass off. I'd totally hire you.

StarzGazR said...

girl this cracked me up and made my thursday!!! LOL

Meghan said...

You're hired!

Stew said...

i would hire you in a second

Eb the Celeb said...

you'sa fool!

but I needed that laugh today!

Keith said...

You're Hired!

Slick said...

Geeeezus girl...

You're definitely professional material! ;)

EP said...

Hahaha! I need to revise my resume like this, too. Maybe that would help out for my Plan B, which is baking a lot and forcing other people around me to eat cookies?

Prunella Jones said...

I think you should get into politics. You are at least as qualified as Sarah Palin and you're definitely a lot smarter.

Muze said...

LMAO!

hilariousness.

you could get a lot of jobs with this resume Puddin. lol.

Narm said...

Wow - totally thought the "In The Hole" Award was for something else.

CapCity said...

If most were honest - more resumes would look like this! HILARIOUS (as always) I think u need to go into comedy;-). Happy HollerDay, Sistah Puddin'!!

karrie b. said...

"- Decent at blowjobs, but infrequent"

damn, if that don't sound like me. where the eff you been @???

-kb

A.M. said...

luvs it...gurly u are more than qualified for whatever it is u wanna do..lol

bad azz said...

been lerkin' around...but couldnt not speak on this!
your a true LOL-piss-in-pants-from-laughter blogger.
thanks for makin' my blog stalkin' even better;)

Rich Fitzgerald said...

So wait a minute, did you lose the itunes job?