Sunday, December 7, 2008

Plan B (not the pill)

Since the economy is down I thought it would be a good idea to revise my resume. So it’s a good thing that I have this blog full of so many things I’m good at to base my experience on…

Ms. Fresh Banana Puddin’
1000 Not Quite Sure Where I Am Avenue
You Are Here, CA 86411

Looking for a job where no one cares about my punctual nature and sobriety.

USSI - U Seem Smart Institute for becoming extra Smarter, You Are Here, CA
A Bull Shit degree in Learning
Minor in Stuff

- Stripping
- Dancing on bars
- Drunk driving
- Any back alley
- Cheap date
- Plan B savvy
- Passing out Drunk (on doorsteps, front lawns, the back seat of your car, etc.)
- Knows someone who knows the personal assistant of the girl who was in that one movie, yeah her sister.

- N / A (I don’t do kittens, babies or old people)

- In The Hole Award (Puking on target)
- Nacho Champ Eater
- Falling face first an impressive amount of times

- Hopping fences
- Other people’s credit cards
- Getting free drinks
- Trespassing
- Losing panties
- Drunk texting / dialing / stopping by unannounced
- Getting by on a cup of noodles (Food Max, 24-pack for $3, btw)
- Dancing good while inebriated
- Holding my pee
- Creatively popping a squat
- Starting fights with bitches I don’t know…or my ex
- Decent at blowjobs, but infrequent
- Stuffing bra
- Giving number, email / address out to anyone who asks for it
- Setting things on fire

- Habitual Thrower
- Insecure
- Clumsy
- Desperate
- Fucking Crazy
- Easy

- Keeping a man
- Rehab

42nd and Taylor 11 / 5 – current
You Are Here, CA
Corner Worker – I work hard

Burger King bathroom 4 / 08 – 11 / 1
You Are There, CA
Nothing really – sobered up and ate French fries

911 – please ask for anyone who moves fast and has really good MEDs.

*A special thanks to my PA for helping me put this resume together on such short notice.


Folk said...

ROTFLMAO! That ish was funny as hell!

c.watson said...

OOh add to that skills list: giving friends evil hangovers especially when they have to go in to work the next day.

kenyata said...

LOL that's the best thing I have read all week. Thanks for the good laugh!

Mista Jaycee said...


YoungBlackBeauty said...

LOL Puddin!

Ms. Minnie said...


*flavor flav voice* wowww

MsPuddin said...


Qucifer said...


Mercy said...

i loves this chica

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Oh good Lord woman you are funny as hell!

Damn! Now I'm going to have to go change my panties as I peed a little from laughing so much.

Friggin weak bladder!

Nola Darling said...

my dear... you have just inspired a blog... ROTF!!!!!

Pronto said...

Holy hell.....

I'd hire you!

rawdawgbuffalo said...

im down with a cheap date that looses her panties

Hadassah said...

hahahahahaha too funny

Krissyface said...

You're awesome. I totally laughed my ass off. I'd totally hire you.

StarzGazR said...

girl this cracked me up and made my thursday!!! LOL

Meghan said...

You're hired!

Stew said...

i would hire you in a second

Eb the Celeb said...

you'sa fool!

but I needed that laugh today!

Keith said...

You're Hired!

Slick said...

Geeeezus girl...

You're definitely professional material! ;)

EP said...

Hahaha! I need to revise my resume like this, too. Maybe that would help out for my Plan B, which is baking a lot and forcing other people around me to eat cookies?

Prunella Jones said...

I think you should get into politics. You are at least as qualified as Sarah Palin and you're definitely a lot smarter.

Muze said...



you could get a lot of jobs with this resume Puddin. lol.

Narm said...

Wow - totally thought the "In The Hole" Award was for something else.

CapCity said...

If most were honest - more resumes would look like this! HILARIOUS (as always) I think u need to go into comedy;-). Happy HollerDay, Sistah Puddin'!!

karrie b. said...

"- Decent at blowjobs, but infrequent"

damn, if that don't sound like me. where the eff you been @???


A.M. said...

luvs it...gurly u are more than qualified for whatever it is u wanna

bad azz said...

been lerkin' around...but couldnt not speak on this!
your a true LOL-piss-in-pants-from-laughter blogger.
thanks for makin' my blog stalkin' even better;)

Rich Fitzgerald said...

So wait a minute, did you lose the itunes job?