Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A Taste of Fresh Banana Puddin’

Ok all, this post might be a little different from what you are used to. For the record I am not trying to be funny here and I didn't mean for this to turn into confessions of Ms Puddin'. This is just something I am going through right now and I have to get off my chest …

I know that I joke around a lot about crossing over to the other side --well the opportunity presented itself Saturday night. I went out with a girlfriend of mine and got hit on by a chick. I mean but this girl was serious. She told me I was beautiful and that she wasn’t full on lesbian, but she was attracted to me and wanted to get down with the get down. (Of course if a guy spit that line at me, things would have went down a little different).

And don’t get it twisted, this chick did not have a buzz cut and baggy jeans. (Not that there is anything wrong with that). She sported some tight pants, a pretty face and long hair. I gave her my number. I do check girls out from time to time, but never in a sexual way, more so in a comparing the of goods sort of way. Checking out the competition.

Now I know what people are thinking, please judge me. However, first let me break it down and put something into perspective. Here is what I believe about women who experiment or cross over to the other side. I believe that when a woman has been treated so f*cked up by a man, she sometimes can find the companionship and love from a woman that man was unable to give, while she is trying to move on.

I know some of my friends read this blog and they are going to call me like, “Puddin’ what in the hell is wrong with you?!”

Wait please let me explain. I will never give up men. There is something about certain masculine qualities that do it for me, no question. But I am going through it right now in the dating department. I’m bored. So when I get bored I call my ex and he is an asshole. Period. I have verbalized multiple times how bad he is for me and yet I still let him have control over me. No he’s not physically abusive, but mentally he has messed my head up and turned me into this girl that I don’t know. I won’t go into detail of some of the things that he put me through, (trust me it is not worth the detail), but I am very insecure because of him.

It’s sick, because don’t get it twisted I get hit on, holla’d at, talked to and basically attacked all the time. People are always telling me left and right how beautiful of a person I am on the inside as well as on the outside. And it hurts because I go home, look in the mirror and think to myself, “I just don’t see it, what are these crazy people talking about?”

I know everyone has their own insecurities, but mine lead me back into the arms of someone who isn’t right for me. I’m always looking for approval from this man. I don’t want to change him. I’m waiting for him to change me. Deep down I know that is something I have to do for myself. When I am ready. And right now I just don’t have it in me.

So if she calls I am going to answer, but this is curiosity and temporary. I have never really seen myself going there. I could never see myself doing anything with another chick, especially that. I would never have the balls like she had to approach me and see what the business was. She even explained to me that she didn’t want a girlfriend. I don’t either. I just want to feel good about myself again and be happy even if it is coming from a woman instead of a man.

*This is a testimony not a coming out of the closet moment.*

34 comments:

Suite B said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ms.Lady said...

u seem to have something real deep goin on puddin'...since you explained the situation so well..there is no judgement comin from this way..i appreciate your honesty and only YOU know whats best for YOU and God forgives...your young do what you feel will help you get to that place of happiness as well as whatever helps YOU find YOU...everyone deserves to be happy *hugs*

Mister Underhill said...

Well, I get hit on by guys a lot for some reason, and I just find it either funny or creepy. Usually a bit of both.

If you don't feel that way from her, then why not give it a shot? A lot of strippers end up becoming lesbians because their work makes them lose respect for all men. Of course that's pretty stupid as most gares rarely go to strip clubs and a lot of guys never go so it's like judging everyone's honesty based on people in prison.

Sounds like you have not met too many guys who were good for you. Maybe a break will do you good and you might even find mr right when you stop looking.

Plus girl on girl action is hot, and guys will be dying to turn you back to team hetero.

Slaus of O Hell Nawl said...

real talk - I know more bisexual, curious, and lesbian women than I know straight women. Maybe because i hang out with a bunch of artists rockers and hippy types i dont know, but those are the people im exposed to more times than not.

at the end of the day you have to do you and live the life You wish to live. Just understand that there are issues on either side of the fence and it will be more of a lesser or evils kind of thing.

Sometimes life feels as if we are free to explore, if only within boundaries. Life is to short for boundaries...

At the end of the day I hope you dont allow social issues and other outside influences hold you back from being who you are.

Whomever that is.

I also hope that you record the encounter, and send me a copy.

MsPuddin said...

Thanks all for the support and honesty…

suite b- thanks for the advice…taking notes..

ms. lady- thanks for the hugs lol

mr underhill- I used to find it funny when I got hit on by girls, but I kind of shocked myself when I actually started thinking about it…yes it is definitely time for a break…

slaus- I’m trying to do me it is just so damn confusing…and you don’t know how many videotographer offers I have gotten from my guy friends since this whole charade

Divalicious said...

Whatever's clever, girl. I would hope everyone that knows you (life or blog), knows that you are a super person regardless of what or who you do.

Just know that it's as easy to get hurt by a chick as is to get hurt by a dude and regardless of what goes on, you keep you safe...

Enough bein ya mother hen.
xoxo Diva

So@24 said...

Holy.

This is going to get interesting

Lady Cameleon said...

Wow this is my first time commenting on this. But you already know what my thoughts are on this Ms. Lady...... dont just stop here for that pain cure k, we'll talk....luv ya :)

Still_Pocahontaz said...

Well MsP, girl, I can only appreciate your honesty and integrity. At the end of the day only you can be comfortable with you. Only you can look at yourself in the mirror and see your own qualities be it bad or good. I don’t judge, I have another friend that had this same sort of testimony and I encourage you to follow your heart and do whatever in life at the time is going to put a smile on your face. So honestly don’t apologize, if she calls, go with your instincts, It may or may not ever turn into a physical exchange, you may be that emptiness that she is feeling as well.
Have fun, be bold, enjoy life, remember I live vicarious through you…LMAO

Slaus of O Hell Nawl said...

Puddin - just send me a lock of both her hair and yours. I'll just sew it on to some bootlegg dolalr store dolls, and act it out myself.

since you are gonan be stingy about the video.

I was talking to one of my girls this afternoon, after your post, and I wanted to know what she would say.

She was like: Is she hot?


I hang wit a bunch of sluts

MsPuddin said...

divalicious- although my mom would probably love me whatever my decision, I still love you motherly adivce lol

so@24- I’ll be sure to post details if it does…

lady cameleon- have we met? Lol

still_p- thanks girl, your words mean a lot…keep livin’ with me girl the road is long!

slaus- LOL You want pubs or part of my weave? would she still hit it? See my girls are a little more resurved than me in the sex department. Borderline boring. I have all the fun for all of us…

Slaus of O Hell Nawl said...

Well then i need to put you up with my peeps. cuz they all nasty and "liberated" aka they hoes.

iont know why a good lil catholic boy liek me would even hang with them and i cant even finish telling this damn lie because i know I aint right either.

I think you have heard it form yoru readers hun.

Be happy.

that's all we want for ya.

Everyone deserves to be happy.

G-Sweet said...

1st off... i agree with SUITE B... "your happiness is not and should never be determined by a man or woman"...

2nd... i agree with MS. LADY... "only YOU know whats best for YOU"...

3rd... i agree with UNDERHILL... "you might even find mr right when you stop looking"...

4th... i agree with SLAUS... you have to do you and live the life You wish to live...

YOU ARE, WHO YOU ARE... AND... IT IS WHAT IT IS

G-Sweet said...

Now for a more personal response from a REAL FRIEND...

Now Puddin im gon' be honest i hate to hear this... *dont get me wrong, yea girl on girl can be great*...

BUT this seems to be much deeper than just that... i dont like hearing this, just as you wouldnt like hearing that i made the same decision you made with another man(almost threw-up)... BUT... i can understand u having to deal with jerks & assholes when it comes to relationships & dating... over-all i will say this if i see u and u have a smile on ya face and ur genuinely happy... IM HAPPY FOR YOU!... U STILL MY GIRL!

maaaan i wish i ca' be a fly on the wall when u and ya girls discuss this... hahaha

MsPuddin said...

Slaus- nice catholic boy? Wow. What happened? Lol liberated hos…has a nice ring to it…

G sweet- man please don’t say nothin unless they bring it up, cuz u know how they be…hella homophobic n shit…and for the record G if you came out the closet I would be shocked but not mad…hella shocked lol…n thanks, I am happy, just hella confused happy lol n you know how niggas b in our area...

G-Sweet said...

whoa whoa whoa... dont be sayin that kinda shit!... i dont even like how that closet shit sound...

uh-unnn... i dont even use that word i call it the "jacket room"... no closets puddin... no!

and i aint gon' say shit, i got enuff shit within my posts to keep away from our general public.... hahaha!

Ms. Behaving said...

Ms P,

The first thing you need to know is that not nary one of us are in a position to pass judgement on you...

If there's any one thing I've learned to live by it's that YOU gotta do YOU sistah gurl and whoever can't deal with that then fugg em' --- [let em' get the hell on] cuz at the end of the day, your happiness is all that matters.

(((HUGS)))) ~Ms. B

onthevirg said...

Santa, all I want for Christmas is for MsP to have hot lesbian sex and then share it on her blog. That's not much to ask for...right?

*Bow Chicka Wow Wow*

oestrebunny said...

Well if that's what you feel you need right now, then that's what you need.

Do what's gonna make you feel alright with yourself, never mind everyone else.

Muze said...

hey girl, first off ((hugs)). secondly, i can TOTALLY understand the voodoo that an ex can put over your mind and have you still calling him wanting his approval that he PURPOSELY does not give because he knows he has you. i was able to finally get from under his spell but not without some SERIOUS detox and withdrawal.

now about the woman, i am not knocking you. when i lived in atlanta i was hit on all the time by women, but there was this one woman in particular who actually made my mind wonder. she was very nice, very pretty, and adored me. at first in a friend sort of way...then one day she just approached me with her feelings out of the blue.

my only thing is this. i know you just want to feel better...but like someone else said, a woman can cause just as many issues as a man can, except we are muuccch smoother when we do it. so be careful.

hope this feeling/situation turns out okay for you...with whatever you decide to do.

MsPuddin said...

G sweet lol R kelly kind of killed it didn’t he lol…man you and me both be puttin’ way too much n these blogs…but whatever…at least it out and not still all pent up in our heads, makin’ us act on it and go and do some crazy shit

Ms. b- thanks… your support means a lot…I gotta get ME together lol

onthevirg- if that day comes around I will be sure to share a snippet with my readers…unfortunately it won’t be in time for xmas, but the truth is there is no Santa * gasp *

oestrebunny- really, who cares what others think!

muze- thanks girl, your past situation is exactly what I am going through…a painful time when a nigga knows “he got it like that” I hate it. I’ll just look at your current relationship as hope lol I know you are in a healthy relationship right now, so I know it is possible to come out on top!

c.watson said...

Wow all the commentors are so supportive I feel I should be judgmental just to balance things out. So here is my judgmentalliness: (said in a valley girl voice) OH. MY. GOD. I can't believe you would even go there, what is wrong with you?

That being said, do what's best for you and go buy some ginger snap cookies, they are the "happy cookies."

Suite B said...

Well since it looks like no one was ready to leave a comment, like me pop your cherry…oops maybe not the best terminology considering the circumstances. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you being open to other routes of pleasure. But your happiness is not and should never be determined by a man or woman. Trust me I’ve been where you are (and now my friends that read your blog may be calling me up) and I think you should be open to whatever your heart desires.

I changed a few things but it still has the same message. I gotta watch what I say on these blogs ;)

Qucifer said...

Me I love the dack too much and honestly would rather do an ugly guy than a hot chick

but s not like i havent gotten kissed by a chick (come to think about it THAT was the turn off)


But fuck it I say go for it taste it and if you don't like it then leave it at that
Life is too short to be prudish or repressed or wondering what kitty taste like

Real Talk

country roads said...

You do whatever makes you happy, darlin'.

Opinionated Diva said...

You and Gsweet crack me up...luv your friendship!

I agree with most of what has been said concerning experimenting on the other side.

You always have such a positive, upbeat and humorous attitude...the ex is negative energy that you definitely don't need. Please tell him to take a flying leap off the next bridge somewhere the next time he calls!!

MsPuddin said...

c. watson- aw crap…you weren’t supposed to see this post…but I took that whole thing of ginger snaps. I do feel a little better because of the spicy flavor…

suite b- lol what happened?

qucifer- oh ew, I don’t want to taste it…honestly I don’t see what men see in the va jayjay…but I agree life is short…

country roads- thanks man…

opinionated diva- ha, me n G go way back ;)

laughing @ “Please tell him to take a flying leap off the next bridge somewhere the next time he calls!!” It sucks because I tell myself the same thing, but the second he calls this weak person comes out and answers. Sh*t she is even nice to him…

Suite B said...

Nothing happened as a result of my comment but I just didn't want to someone else to read it and find out more information about me that I really didn't want them to know!

ADDmws said...

Unnnn Ms. P,.,,,you nasty!!!! Im am so kidding!!!! girl I have always been attracted to women that ended up being really good friends (no licky, licky)...so that may be all it is...Now of course if it turns to licky licky, please ive details!

BottleBlonde said...

Lucky me! I haven't been on the blogs much, and then I come back to this gem of a post.

Do what you need to do, Puddin. If your loins are feeling this chick, then follow your loins. ;-)

And blog about it!

phishez_rule said...

Go for it I say! You only live once.

Deutlich said...

I'm a lil late in commenting. However, sometimes sex is just sex - no matter which gender it's with.

I say go for it, so long as it's really what you want. Especially since both of you seem to be looking for the same thing... if she were full on lesbian I'd suggest you run, not walk, in the other direction (being that you aren't). That can get hairy, after all.

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