My Friend Jon, The Ex Con

I'm a pretty social person when I want to be. I go places. I'm friendly. I make friends. *halo*

Well recently I might have been a little too friendly. Walking home from dinner with the bf, we saw some dude on the corner holding this sign...

I was impressed, thought it was catchy, hoped he made a buck or two. And of course I asked for a picture to put on my Facebook page, because what is the point of seeing something like that if you can't put it on Internet blast? Right? Right.

Anyway, a couple weeks later I was walking downtown and I see a guy holding up another impressive sign...

(Sign reads: "Will work for female relations, cash, car, tools, clothes, a job, apartment and anything else you wish to help my sorry non-having butt with.")

I stop and I said to the guy, “Hey, I saw a guy a couple weeks ago with another interesting sign (whipping out my cell phone to show him the picture) and I think you've got yourself some competition.”

“Hey that's me,” he said, pointing to the picture of him holding the 'ex con' sign. Ohhhhhh. Good thing I'm so perceptive.

“Well I put it on my Facebook page,” I told him, not sure of his reaction.

“Really? Cool,” he said.

Turns out his name is Jon. I'm not sure why exactly why he sits on the corner with crazy signs. The "ex con" thing might be a subtle explanation, but I'll have to get the full scoop one of these days.

I saw him again for a third time with his fiancée on Wednesday.

“Hey babe, this is the girl who puts my pictures on Facebook,” he tells her proudly, as I snap their picture...

I'm mad at the stoge in her hand and after all his 'female relation' signs this girl suddenly pops up. However, I also love happy endings ;0 Good luck to my new friend Jon, the ex con and his girl.

Introducing Marques Anthony: “R&B’s Best Kept Secret”

I found an upcoming artist via Twitter and I thought I’d share him with you since music is ruining my life right now. And he's kind of cute ::wink::wink:: Introducing (in his own words) “R&B’s Best Kept Secret” Marques Anthony…


MsP: So Marques Anthony, you’re a fresh and new R&B artist with the hot single ‘Cloud 9’. Tell me what your first single means to you and how it came about?

MA: My first single represents my weekends! Most people work very hard during the week to provide for their families and the means to survive. However, when Friday comes it gives you a sense of relief, enough to where you can relax and enjoy your weekend! ‘Cloud 9’ represents freedom, comfort and fun!!

MsP: What is your inspiration or also some of your favorite R&B/musical artists?

MA: Some of my inspirations are my family, friends, and all my haters! Those are the things that keep me working with such a pure passion for music! My favorite R&B artists would have to be Jamie Foxx, Tank, Usher, Baby Face, Dave Hollister, Joe, etc.


MsP: I know a lot of people are not too happy with the direction of music lately. What is your take on R&B and Hip Hop today?

MA: I think music right now is just a trend. If the beat is hot then you can pretty much say whatever you want and make a hit. “It has no substance”, as Jamie Foxx would say. I personally don’t like it at all because you can’t feel what the artists are saying anymore either. You can put on Dave Hollister's album, Chicago 85, and feel what he's going through in the song!

MsP: What do you think your distinct style will bring to your genre of music?

MA: When you listen to my music, I sing songs about different situations I have gone through that I know everyone can relate too. I want people to be able to feel the emotions when they listen to my music.

MsP: How is it working with Jamie Foxx as an artist and on Foxxhole Radio Show?

MA: Working with Jamie Foxx is like working with a family member! Jamie has always treated me like family and still does! He is the most down to earth celebrity you will ever meet!! Working with him on the Foxxhole as well as singing Background vocals on the "Blame It Tour" has truly been a blessing. Thanks to Marcus and Jamie King, who are Jamie's Manager's as well as my Godparents!

MsP: What artist(s) would you like to work with in the future?

MA: I would love to work with any artist who is willing to be different and get music back to the way things use to be!! A change is what I want to see in the music business!

MsP: Just out of curiosity, since it was such a big deal for a moment. What was your reaction when Kanye West jumped up on stage at the VMAs during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech?

MA: Too much Hennessy before the show started!!

MsP: With fame comes a price and that price is usually your privacy. People will be all up in your mix. What is one thing you are not willing to give up for the price of fame? Or are you willing to risk it all?

MA: I am not willing to risk losing my family as well as losing the respect of my home town!! I think that is one of the best feelings ever when you’re able to go back home and your hometown loves you more than any other place in the world. To have the respect of those you grew up with and people who raised you is better than being in any magazine or on any TV show!

MsP: I read in your bio that you had some pretty rough times to get where you are today. What was one of your hardest struggles to get where you are?

MA: It was very rough for me coming up in this music business! My first two years in LA I really didn’t have much of anything. I was sleeping from couch to couch and catching rides where ever I needed to go!

MsP: Was there a moment that made you almost give up on your dreams?

MA: I had a many nights where I cried myself to sleep only because I knew I couldn't give up on my dreams, which kept me going day after day!

MsP: Do you feel you’ve reached your potential musically?

MA: I know I haven't reached my full potential as an artist, but I’m on my way and I won’t stop until I get there!!

MsP: Do you have any performance rituals? Ex: stretching, finger aerobics, lots of alcohol, etc.?

MA: I do have a performance ritual, but I can’t tell you what that is!! ::LOL:: You gon’ have my secrets out there in the streets!! ::LOL::

MsP: Ohhhh ok (I’m afraid)::LOL:: But, moving on. Of course the ladies are at least going to want to know what Marques Anthony’s status is. Are you single or taken?

MA: For the record I am single right now!

MsP: R&B is universal for often expressing the emotion of love. Do you do that through your music?

MA: There’s only so much you can say in public though, if you know what I mean…

MsP: Have you ever been in love?

MA: (Smiley Face) Yes, I have been in love before! Love can either be some of the best moments in your life or some of the worst.

MsP: How would you seduce a woman? Or do you prefer to be the one getting seduced?

MA: If I can’t seduce you with the truth, then I’m no good. At the same time, I love to be seduced if she knows what she is doing!!!

Did you hear that ladies? Hint. Hint.

MsP: Beyonce or Rihanna?

MA: If it was me I would take Beyonce's voice and dancing abilities, combine them with Rihanna's looks and swag and get married!! ::LOL::

MsP: Ok and on that note that about wraps this up. Shout out to Janae Trevillion for setting this up. And good luck to you Marques Anthony.

MA: Thanks.

You can go to iTunes or Google ‘Marques Anthony Music’, which will link you to all the Web sites where you can download his music.

If you’re interested in reaching out and connecting with Marques Anthony, find him via http://twitter.com/marquesanthony, Facebook ‘Marques Anthony’ or myspace.com/Marquesjones21.

MsP

Youtube + lots of free time = a new way to enjoy dance music ...

Picture of the Week

I woke up this morning (afternoon) to find the usual emails in my box (hee hee), several Viagra and penis enhancement inquiries, (I HAVE A VAGINA!), a letter from some guy in India asking for a donation of $5 million and singlesnet.com’s weekly newsletter.

I did, however, also come across a new stalker! Yay, more free Starbucks! Apparently new reader, Mr. V, read my old post about the rocker contest and wished he could have gotten in on the competition. Here’s his submission…

Pretty impressive. Welcome to the family...

MsP

And now a msg from some famous people...

The countdown continues, one more month!!!

No Pictures Please

I’m famous beeotches! Well kind of, but not really.

See what had happened was I was minding my own bizness when all of a sudden, the Cunning Linguist’s 12 inch penis landed in my email box. I was surprised as you could only imagine, but came (oh that was bad) and found out that he wanted to interview me for his blog! Yay!

I was going to post it here, but he has it up already in his page. So check it out! I gave a few shout outs too!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Real quick and random I also wanted to post up some music therapy for anyone who’s interested. I didn’t get blind sighted with a meme or tagged or nothing like that, but I thought I would share some of the songs I’m feeling at the moment.

Please enjoy because it’s better than my initial list of top five people I would most like to punch in the balls.

John Legend-Greenlight
Estelle-Come Over
Kardinal Offishal ft Akon- Dangerous
Donnie klang- Idol
Christina Aguilera- Keeps Getting Better

I’m downloading, any more music to add to my list???

R.I.P B. Mac

I’m pretty sure everyone has heard the sad news by now, but Bernie Mac passed away this morning at the age of 50. I just wanted to pay a little tribute, because he will be missed.

Oh and if you haven’t read his auto-biography, “Maybe You Never Cry Again,” check it out, it’s a great read.

Peace~Love~& Laughter

MsP

Obama Overload

Ok my mom emailed me this earlier today.

Then my cousin just sent me a link to Ludacris' new endorsement of Obama.


Lyrics:

I'm back on it like I just signed my record deal
yeah the best is here, the Bentley Coup paint is dripping wet, it got sex appeal
never should have hated
you never should've doubted him
with a slot in the president's iPod Obama shattered 'em
Said I handled his biz and I'm one of his favorite rappers
Well give Luda a special pardon if I'm ever in the slammer
Better yet put him in office, make me your vice president
Hillary hated on you, so that b^$&%* is irrelevant
Jesse talking slick and apologizing for what?
if you said it then you meant it how you want it have a gut!
and all you other politicians trying to hate on my man,
watch us win a majority vote in every state on my man
you can't stop what's bout to happen, we bout to make history
the first black president is destined and it's meant to be
the threats ain't fazing us, the nooses or the jokes
so get off your ass, black people, it's time to get out and vote!
paint the White House black and I'm sure that's got 'em terrified
McCain don't belong in ANY chair unless he's paralyzed
Yeah I said it cause Bush is mentally handicapped
Ball up all of his speeches and I throw em like candy wrap
cause what you talking I hear nothing even relevant
and you the worst of all 43 presidents
get out and vote or the end will be near
the world is ready for change because Obama is here!
cause Obama is here
The world is ready for change because Obama is here!

I'm not mad, just ready to see what is going to happen next, ya know?

Can't you see my halo?

I went on a date last night with married guy. He’s divorced now. It’s funny how things happen. My very first post on this blog was about having an affair with married guy and here I am dating him. Well let me clarify, his wife had up and left him for eight months before he met me. Why? That is their business, not mine.

Anyway, we actually had a really nice time. It sucks because besides from all the drama, him and me really have a great friendship. Yes I agree, Ms Puddin’ has bad taste in men. Yes I agree, I probably have no business giving him of all people a second chance, but he took me to Maggianos.

Fatty’s hungry, fatty’s got to eat.

Then he took me to a nice little bar tucked away where we could enjoy each other’s company. Man he had all the tricks up his sleeve that night. Taking me to a bar is like taking a five-year-old to Legoland, just heavenly, simply the best.

No sex, but I don’t regret bringing him back into my life. I think time is on my side on this one. Not to mention, the ex, (my most recent trespassing victim) called to say that he has up and moved to Atlanta. Good. Maybe I will finally get over getting drunk, hopping his fence and stalking him.

Time for MsP to find some new hobbies… sewing, pottery, cooking? I told my guy friend the other day that I was going to go grocery shopping.

He’s all, “why, since when do you cook?” And then he started busting up laughing.

Damn.

“Ok maybe I can’t cook, but I can make a mean cocktail,” I replied.

“I don’t doubt that,” he responded back.

Being Super Cool

I like to consider myself as “cool”.

I mean I smoked weed in high school, I have tattoos, and piercings (my nose and my ears). I’ve dated hot guys. I think. Well I’ve had drunk sex with a couple of hot guys a couple of times. Ok one guy once and it was probably because I wore a really, really tight short skirt and he never called me after, but anyway, not my point.

Back to me being cool.

Not only am I cool, I’m a natural people person. I love people, they intrigue me and when I first meet someone I am always curious as to what their story is. Did she drop out of school and take up stripping to support herself and her baby? Did he end up on the corner because he got spit out of a war without health care and no family relations?

That crazy lady at the coffee shop, we go way back. And that old man in the wheel chair, always wearing his colorful socks and fanny pack is the homie, for real. I don’t know why, but people are attracted to me and me to them.

So it’s no surprise that when I got distracted in the mall the other day, this cutie came up to me and said, “You look lost.”

I normally don’t meet guys like this. And I’m not naïve. I really think that he just happened to see me at the mall all discombobulated and wanted to help out. He wasn’t just at the mall girl hunting.

“Oh no,” I said, kind of laughing. I explained to him that I was frustrated because both of the hair salons in the mall were over booked. I didn’t like the way my lady had cut my hair and wanted to get a quick style before work that night. No such luck.

“Your hair looks fine,” he complemented me.

“I don’t like it,” I said, “but thanks.”

After about ten or twenty minutes of small talk and walking together through the mall, I noticed that we had somehow connected. It was weird. What was even weirder is, at that same moment, he turned to me and said, “I feel like I’ve known you for a long time.”

I felt pretty cool. I gave him my number and forgot about my hair…

Did I mention I have theme music?

...because I do.

Hi Mom!

[photo]- a mini puddin' and a mama puddin'

“The sex in “Addicted ” was boring because it was unimaginative. I would expect more from an erotic writer than that.” -said Ms Puddin's mom.

I love my mom.

I’ve blogged about her before. Usually it’s to make fun of her, but I make fun of her because I love her. Plus she is known for doing some pretty weird and um interesting things, just like me. Yay! Like mother, like daughter, I guess. Well kind of, but not really, because mom and me are nothing alike.

Anyway, in honor of Mother’s Day, I decided to do an exert/mash-up of my favorite posts about my mom. So mom if you’re reading, it’s all out of love…*muAh!*

Every year my mom, who is also a writer, takes a little bit out of each of our lives and shares it with friends and family. (thanks mom) This year I was a little offended reading the holiday letter, because my mom wrote that I have a bizarre sense of humor. My sense of humor might be a little different, but no one in my family has any room to talk when it comes to how talented and disturbingly entertaining we are.

Just last week my dad called to tell me that my mom had got her foot caught in the strap of her purse while trying to get out of her car. She fell onto the sidewalk and clocked her face on the driver’s door trying to get back up, giving herself a black eye. My dad is already on crutches, because he recently fractured his ankle. So he was sitting on the passenger's side looking over at her like, “what is going on?”

Mom, my sense of humor might be strange, but you sure are talented.

Growing up I think she had everything anyone could think of in her purse. Brush? Check. Spoon? Check. Toothbrush? Check. A midget? Check.

We all (I grew up with my two younger brothers) loved cracking jokes at my mother’s expense. I don’t know why, maybe because she is such an easy target. I remember when she lost a majority of her hearing while we were growing up. I think she basically had what I would call “selective hearing,” because sometimes I think she just tuned us out. But most of the time she couldn’t hear because of her disability.

My brothers and I would drive her crazy by mouthing words without sound and she would become frantic trying to figure out what we were saying. Then other times we would just yell things at her like, “Mom I’m going to the store!” Which she would either interpret as, “Mom, I’m a dirty whore!” or she would tell us to stop yelling at her.

My mom also wrote in the holiday letter that she went on a rant about how bad soda is. “Soda is not food, it’s one of the worst things you can put in your body,” my mom said. My brother replied, “No Mom, crack is one of the worst things you can put in your body.”

Touché.

Happy Mothers Day!

MsP

Caption This!

We got one of the go-girls a stripper for her birthday. What say you? The best caption I will add to my sidebar!!!

MsP

Well if you really must know...

Armpit! Yay!

F*ck tagged, I got attacked by, Hadassah, Afrodite, Lady c, and Monie. Canon tagged me too, but then he took it back. Whatever, I don’t know why y’all want to hear more quirks about me anyway. We already know I suffer from insanity. If I give up anymore information, someone might have me committed.

Well, here goes…

1. I think I have OCD. Every time I leave the house I have to come back and check and see if I locked the front door or turned off the flat iron. God forbid my apartment burns down because of something hair related.
   
   
2. I’m a really big movie buff. If I haven’t seen it, I’ve heard of it. I also like going to the movies by myself. I can sit where I want.
   
   
3. I really hate cuddling, especially after sex. I’m feeling DL when he was like, “move, scoot over, it’s hot!” lol Don’t get me wrong I like a nice bear hug every now and again, but you can keep all that spooning to yourself, playa.
   
   
4. I really need to clean out my refrigerator, my car, my closet, like pretty much everything needs some attention.
   
   
5. I like going to strip clubs. The ones that serve alcohol preferably, because it’s the quickest scheme to getting drunk fast. You see, the guys that go to strip clubs think that if they liquor you up then you’ll hop up on stage and they’ll get a nice random amateur show. Not gonna happen, but thanks for the cocktail homie!
   
   
6. I really hate when I bump into someone I haven’t seen in a long time and they’re like, “damn you look like you lost a lot of weight.” Um, thanks for the compliment, but I don’t ever remember being that big in the first place????

There! Now I’m taggin’ kiki, smitty, Q, that saddity chic, 12k and Sabina.

1. Link the person who tagged you…

2. Mention the rules in your blog…

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours

4. Tag 6 bloggers by linking them

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged

Spank Me!

I’ve been a very bad blogger!

When I started this blog and I only had like one, maybe two readers. Now I’m having a hard time having a life (yes I have a life f*ckers) and keeping up with all your great blogs! If I missed a post that is a must read, let me know! (mspuddin@gmail.com)

I’ve also updated my blog roll. If I didn’t add you and your life wouldn’t be complete unless I do, let me know! If you are having a baby, asthma attack or don’t know where the f*ck you are, call 911!

Big shout out to all my readers and bloggers out there *MuAh*!!!

MsP

Another reason why my mom is pretty awesome...

I’m sorry ya’ll, I meant to post last night, but my couch ate me. I woke up with the longest string of drool hanging from my mouth and an imprint from the remote control on my forehead. I guess that’s what happens after eating a box of jumbo candy, some popcorn, pizza and washing it down with soda. (My diet starts next week, so don’t trip, I’m good).

Speaking of good, I sure did get my mom good yesterday. She was the only one I knew who would fall for all that April Fools mess.

I was lying on the couch when my roommate came home and tried to tell me my car was messed up.

“Girl, go outside and look at your car, it’s bad,” she said. “No I’m serious girl. Go look at your car!”

It’s not that I didn’t believe her, but my butt was too lazy to get up off the couch to see what had happened to it.

“Damn,” she said. “You’re too hard to fool.”

“Oh! Now I get it, you were trying to trick me,” I said.

I had forgotten all about April Fools day.

“Hmmm”, I said. “I know who we can get, my mom.”

What should I tell her? I’m pregnant? No. I got a tattoo? No. (I really did get one recently that she doesn’t know about yet). I don’t want to give her a heart attack. I know, I’ll tell her that I ran away to Vegas and got married. No, I tell her that all the time, she wouldn’t believe me.

So I called and told her that I spent all my rent money on my hair. Do you know that she believed me!? Dying, because she was really about to Western Union me some money.

Damn, now I feel bad.

Mr. New Booty

Sorry I’ve been so bootsy on the blogging people, but I met a boy! Yes, Ms Puddin’ has been busy cupcakin’. Jealous? (hee, hee).

Here’s the scoop: It was Sunday night when I was leaving this reggae spot with my girl. I came struttin’ out the club, the wind picked up my hair music video style, there was a twinkle in my eye that said * bink*. I was lookin’ like a 10. (Basically, I managed to get down the front stairs of the club without tripping in my heels and falling on my face).

Outside there was a group of guys standing around, shooting the sh*t and I made them all pause. I brought the milkshake to the yard. I mean the boys. Wait, I mean this one boy. I brought him to my yard, for a shake. Nevermind.

“Ay, can I walk you to your car?” this one boy asked, as he stepped to me.

I gave him the good side eye.

“If you promise not to laugh at it,” I said. “My car that is.” (F*ck y’all, I roll hard in the Honda, what!)

We ended up having a quick, catchy conversation, where I would for the most part say something stupid and he would laugh at me. (I got game b*tches)! Then I gave him my number and he called me the next day. This is weird, because usually guys call me like three weeks later and by the time I remember who the f*ck they are, the conversation gets all awkward.

So anyway, Monday we went on the best date I’ve been on in a long time. I think what was so great about it was all my geeky suggestions on things to do he was totally game. We ended up going bowling. Then we went to TGI Fridays to have some drinks and watch the rest of the Warriors game.

We were enjoying each other’s company so much, he offered to take me to show off his studio, where we made out and had hot kinky sex on the…just kidding. We did go to the studio, where he makes beats, but we didn’t have hot kinky sex. Boo. Instead we ended the night hanging out at my boy’s dive bar. I mean, what a better place to go on a first date than a dive bar?

We hung out again yesterday. I was on cloud nine until he told me that his sister won this Hooters competition and he is going to the Playboy Mansion this weekend. Great, he is going to come back with a giant rubber duckie on his arm and totally forget about me. * tear *

I’ll keep everyone posted…

Would you gold dig it?

Ladies, ladies, ladies, I’ve noticed a shift in my readership. I used to get a lot of male commentary, now it seems to be coming from the ladies. Maybe I don’t put out as much as I used to? I don’t know, but there’s nothing wrong with this, in fact I want to take the opportunity to write something for my female readers.

A while back I wrote a post about how men always go on and on about how disgusting a chick is. Gonorrhea, one eye, snot bubbles, dookie booty, a missing toe and a hairy back often times will not prevent a man from still tapping that ass. Slaus even went ahead, (possibly jeopardizing his man card), to explain the three categories men put women into:

1). Id wife her.
2). I'd hit it.
3). I'd hit it if I don't have sh*t else to do, like: nothing is on TV that day. Xbox live account is down.
4). I'd never hit that sh*t. nevah.

So ladies now it’s your turn, but since we are ladies, I guess the question would be more so “would you gold dig it?” Fellas to be fair go ahead and toss in your two cents, but ladies, if the price was right would you…

F*ck with Flava Flav? (Yeah boi!)

Now I know this nucca is black as hell and has like 15 baby mamas, but somehow he still manages to have 20 women per show throwing their wet panties at him. On a good day he will take you out for some fried chicken and while you’re out you might get to sport one of those fancy clocks. I mean who could pass up the chance to possibly get a cool nickname like, “booty-cheeks” or “cherry popper”?

What about R. Kelly?

Now ladies, I know what you are thinking, “he only likes to piss on underage girls.” But I’m sure if you asked him, he wouldn’t mind pissing on you too. Yum!

How about mini me aka Verne Troyer?

Think abut this for a second, because technically he is the perfect height. The money might be soooo worth it.

Joe Francis?

Ok I went out on a limb with this guy, but hey, at least it will be easy to get into one of his videos. Just walk around the house topless and intoxicated.

An Interview with A Mr. Slausin Ass Slaus

* Warning!! * Don’t read this @ work.

I got the chance to catch up with Slaus from over at Oh Hell Nawl this week and we got into one of our usual random ass conversations…

MsP: Slaus, how’s it goin'? Back problems? Old lady giving you trouble?

Slaus: Hey baby thanks for having me here on your blog n ish! I really appreciate the chance to get away from the shenanigans of my family and then the staff. It's like a damn party filled with meth-addicted monkeys, but without the high and the monkey's are throwing shyt on my walls and trying to sodomise me with damn jolly ranchers! Who does that?

MsP: Um, I couldn't tell ya. Soooo... the Web site you're a slave to, Oh Hell Nawl, is becoming really popular. When was the last time someone you know made you go "Oh Hell Nawl"?

Slaus: Slave is right doll! I kinda feel fortunate, because I see ignant shyt all day every day ya know. Just Monday I was at work and saw this lil hot blonde chick getting on the elevator. Since I could see the elevator was going down, I ran and jumped in also. You should have seen the look on her face! Not because a Big ol black dude jumped on the elevator with her, it's because she obviously thought she was gonna take the ride by herself.. cuz she pooted. I mean it had to be her, cuz there was no one else there but she and I. Must have been one of those lingering ass lingering kinda poots too I bet. All I know is: It smelled like Ha Ha Hell. Damn shame for a girl that fine to poot a cloud of what could be mistaken for Lean cuisines and lama dick. Nasty. She WAS fine though. But I'd have to question her diet. Smellin like that.

MsP: Damn, that will teach you to take the stairs. Have any of your staff ever got into it?

Slaus: The question isn't IF they have, the question is when DON'T we fight. I -mean- fiiiiight. There isn't a week that goes by, when someone doesn't say to me: " Fugg this, you can fire me then!" or " I know that bytch didn’t say what I think she said to me," and my favorite: " You need to get such n such before I cuss them the fugg out! I aint playing!" Most of the time the anger is based at me though, and it's completely deserved. I can be a hard person to work for. Shyt, just Wednesday I fought with my Marketing Manager for an hour over messenger, then fought with my Sales Manager that afternoon!

MsP: Once yall get it together and quit fighting, what are your plans for OHN?

Slaus: GET. PUBLISHED. I am SO sincere. The first goal is to get published by 2009, 2010 at the latest. But it’s going to be really difficult to do so with the way the strip is set up right now. It is a real problem and real talk? It keeps me up at nights sometime. Thank God for Sex n martini’s to bring me back to earth!

MsP: Do you have any blogging rituals? Ex: stretching, finger aerobics, lots of booze, etc.?

Slaus: I blog at my best usually when I find some quiet time, got some Jimi Hendrix or Lenny Kravitz playing, and a dirty martini with three olives. Im boojie. A good martini is the way to go... matter of fact? Where are the dranks? No dranks, and you haven’t flashed boobs once in this interview. This is some booolshyt.

MsP: My bad, vodka and cran or gin and tonic?

Slaus: Gin n Tonic.. or dirty Martini with three gourmet olives. Not those fake ass fake pimento ass Albertson shyts either. Gourmet dammit! Yeah, I’m unapologetically boojie.

MsP: How about, Grape juice or grape drink?

Slaus: Grape anything is nasty as hale!

MsP: Ok, what about orange juice or drank? Red drink???

Slaus: Ok red drank! Definitely. Does that mean I get to keep my Black Card? Cuz you know grape drink is like a Black staple. Every black house from the hood to the Hamptons has a packet of grape koolaid somewhere in the crib! But you know we gotta mix it with other shyt like a lil lemonade.. lil orange drink. Shit.. if there was a chemist degree for mixing koolaid? Black folks would have phd’s a plenty!

MsP: You always talking about some black folks sh*t. If you were stuck on Neverland Ranch with Michael Jackson, what would you do?

Slaus: Slap the dog shyt out of his dumb ass. Why the fugg a beautiful black man, wanna turn himself into an ugly ass white woman? Looking like skeletor n shyt. I expect us to see Michael Jackson in a purple cloak n shyt within a few years, tryna take over Castle Gray skull... watch.

MsP: I would never think of doing that, slapping MJ, that is. Was there ever a moment in time where someone said something really profound when you weren't expecting him or her to? Have you ever shocked yourself?

Slaus: I remember back in the day when I was the typical knucklehead, my Uncle Keith told me: Obstacles exist only when you take your eyes off of the goal. Girl, that shyt has defined my life ever since. That and the biggie Lyric: Damn right/ If Their heads right/ Biggie there ery night! That's real. Shyt I have shocked myself plenty of times when thinking of funny things to say. Lot's of it I don't think will ever see print. It's some shyt i'd hav to save for the stage or something.

MsP: Speaking of Biggie, did you like it better when we called Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy or Diddy?

Slaus: Ion't care if that negro wanna be called captain Kookoocachoo. GIVE US ANOTHER BIGGIE CALIBER ARTIST DAMMIT! And make Sean John clothing comfy in a 3XL bytch! Diddy ass diddy.

MsP: Of the stories you tell, I see you've done a lot of crazy things on your lifetime. What's the craziest thing you've ever done for sex? For money? Have you ever had sex for money?

Slaus: LOL Oh snap! Good question! I've never fugged for money. Other than Ron Jeremy, who the hell is paying a fat man for dick? That's just un-American, unsavory, and foolish. Back in the day though, I did have my boys let the air out of a chicks tires, so she had to stay over for the night. The ass was terrible. I was ready to take my ass outside at 4am with a fuggin bike pump and a set of full lungs, to put the air in that heffas tires so she could bone the fugg out.

MsP: How many times have you been arrested again?

Slaus: Uhm my momma aint gonna read this right? Momma, take yo ass on and do something productive! Ok. Like 4 times. Inciting a riot, lewd behavior, fighting, contempt of court.

MsP: Inciting a riot!? Lewd behavior!? Care to explain? (See what had happened was)…

Slaus: Yeah for real lol. What had happened was.. me and my boys were down in Mardi gras and we wanted to get beads like the chicks were. SO we figured we’d take our jibbys out, and let the women play ring toss. Cops arrested us for lewd behavior. I don’t know if it was the fact that 5 dudes had their jibby’s out, or the fact that this guy Corey had some redhead taking a picture of herself holding his bead adorned dack. Either way, we got arrested. We got those beads tho.

MsP: Have you ever felt breasts that felt like bags of sand?

Slaus: I’m a boob man. I think I’ve groped everything from a barely A to an E-cup. Shyt I remember this one love whose boobs were so big, her bra was prolly made by NASA. Size: Secret F n shyt. Kind of boobies where if you were chest sexin, you were not going to see your jibby poke out the other end... fo reaaaaal. Ego crushin but fun. But bags of sand? Nawl...

MsP: Ok so, Aretha Franklin titties or Oprah's? Would you hit it? Fanger it? Where’s Nupe when you need him???

Slaus: LOL What up Anonymous Nupe! Fanga Bang Productions baby! For real though? I’d be a gay ass gay, before I touch Aretha. Hell, I wouldn’t even know what was tiddy and what was belly or back fat rolled to the front. Hell to the no. And I would be afraid to grope Oprah, because I’m not even sure that sista is a human. I bet when no one is looking, she peels off her flesh and then she appears as just a being of light n shyt, like cocoon. Heffa just levitate about her mansion glowing to all be damned, sounding like that skull head astronaut villain in Scooby doo: Wooowooowoowoowowowoo.

MsP: Would you ever do the Angry Pirate to a female?

Slaus: LOL Not nevah! I’m not doing anything to jeopardize getting a repeat performance of a great blow job. If the Lord invented anything better than the Blow Job, she hid that ish for herself. I LOVE HEAD! I can for go sex, if the head includes the grand finish. Head is to Slaus, and spinach is to Popeye.

MsP: You once told me about a dream your friend had where he was playing offense to R Jay in a game of basketball, naked and he kept blocking the ball with his d*ck. Have you ever had any dreams like that? Have you ever had any dreams that made you go Oh Hell Nawl?

Slaus: I once dreamed I was giving Sailor Moon anal. How's THAT for fucked up! Who does that!? I boolshyt you not. It wasn’t really Sailor Moon, but it was someone dressed up LIKE Sailor Moon. I’m into some kinky ass kinky shyt, but that was ignant..... Wanna (Slaus’ wife) and I will prolly act that shyt out though. We have no good sense.

MsP: If Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse were the last two women on earth, which one would you have sex with?

Slaus: Hmmm I ain’t into blondes, and I love pale chicks with black hair. But Britney got more meat on her bones.... damn.. that's a toss up. Either way I wouldn’t tell anyone, AND I’d have to clean my jibby in hot bleach, holy water and cleansing waters of Lake Minnetonka.

MsP: Btw, boxers or briefs?

Slaus: A Fat man aint supposed to wear briefs under ANY circumstance! If you catch my fat ass in some tighty whitey ass briefs, you can kick my ass. But then again the real question is.. why are you seeing me in my drawls in the first place girl! I'd have to say Boxer or Boxer briefs. I do have some tighties for emergencies though, aint gone lie.

MsP: Well Slaus, that's about all the time I have with you. Any final thoughts before we wrap this thing up?

Slaus: Can I clone you when it's legal? Come onnn! Be a team player. All you need to know is your clone would prolly have to wear a Cheetara costume, and you can't have me arrested for whatever happens next. Clone's ain’t got rights. Seriously, thanks for having me here today baby girl! I usually don't comply with anything beige people ask of me, but you're aiight in my book. I won't even have you sent to the work camps when I’m ruler of the USA. Oh, and all of you folks out there need to read Oh Hell Nawl every damn day! And if that's too raunchy n ignant for you: just check in every week to Oh Hell Nawl and read the strips! Oh yeah, none of you heffas better try to come out the woodwork and say I’m the father of your baby neither. That's how episodes of CSI get started.

MsP: What this? You have something against us light people? Are you just mad because I have a better chance of being related to Obama??? Humpf, hater…

Slaus: Basically. That’s why I ain’t voting for Obama. I ain’t tryna allow the resurgence of the yellow negro, to happen under MY watch. Fugg.That. And besides, his lips dark as hale. How you gonna be that light but then have black ass black lips. Looking like the Crow n shyt. “ It can’t rain ALL the time!” Lol see.. saying shyt like that, is why I wouldn’t be friends with me. But nawl I love Beige people. Love my darkies to. I like everybody.

… but Dick Cheney.

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