Was Today Really Necessary?

"Due to the lack of interest, today was cancelled."


For some reason I was reminiscing a little of moments from my life, when someones opinion has helped not so much. I remember an ex boyfriend once told me my heart was shriveled like a California Raisin.

Thanks. That meant so much. Seriously, from the bottom of my cold, black, desiccated, singing heart, I thank you. I also once had a math teacher in high school, who told me my smile would only get me so far. Um, ok? Thank you, for that random psych session. I’m sixteen, misguided, bad with numbers and you’re telling me not to smile through all this pain.

Some people just suck. Why can’t all the sucky people, get sucked into outer space, by a big sucking machine and together they can just suck in their own suckdom?

If it's not obvious enough, I'm in a bad mood. If my funky mood had a flavor, it would taste like rotten milk.

Warning: anyone who plans on voicing their opinion to me today will get verbally attacked. I’m serious. I don't want to hear it. Back off.

I think it was yesterday that got the “oh f*ck me, no f*ck you” ball rolling.

Last night I polished off ½ a pizza, a jumbo box of Mike N Ikes and three glasses of root beer. I woke up this morning with heartburn, my period and a pain in my stomach.

“Oh,” said you, “her period, that explains a lot.”

You know what? This is not just PMS. This is a classic case of “when bad things happen to good people.”

For example...

I made the brilliant move over the weekend to go swimming with a weave. If anyone anywhere is ever wondering why black women refuse to get their hair wet when swimming, this is an understatement to say the least...

I look like a a potential love child of a Sasquatch and Diana Ross. So please stop telling or asking me about my hair. I know.

I would also like to add, (this is very unfortunate) the Blockbuster that is walking distance from my house, (even though I never actually got around to walking there) has relocated. Damn it. I guess the option of rolling out of bed in the morning and going to BB in all my sludge is out.

Since today sucks so much, I’ve made a list of today's top five most suckiest things(please, feel free to add to it):

1. your cat
2. speed bumps
3. the damn office phone that keeps ringing, even though it's my job to answer it

4. my nose, because it won't stop running

5. people who keep calling me to see what is going on this weekend. It's Tuesday, chill the f*ck out...

Nice Guy Gets High Fast

"The best part about alcohol: If you don’t remember, it didn’t happen."

Omg!! I just had the best dream ever!

For me, when people say this before they proceed to try and describe their dream, I'm like please, just shut up already. Honestly, your dream was only good in your mind, while you were sleeping. I, however, wouldn’t have brought my dream up if I didn’t think that it wasn't worth sharing.

I know I'm great. I share. Well, in my dream, I was on a party bus, with Cameron Diaz, on the way to Vegas!!

See, now I bet you want to hear more, but that’s all I got. I woke up before I got to the good stuff.

Yeah, I was disappointed too.

Waking up after another date from hell, the Cam dream did totally make my day though.
Yeah, yeah I’m dating. It sucks. Please spare me any commiseration. I already feel sorry for me too.

So, I met this guy about a month ago. He’s kind of slow. Slow as in, when I tell a joke, he has like a three second witticism delay. Not that I’m a comedian or anything. I mean if it’s not funny, it’s not funny. But if he's laughing late, because I had to rewind and break down the joke for him to get it, then it’s funny and he's just f*cking slow. (Or I could be a bad joke teller, but I'm going to stick to my original argument of him being slow).

I should also mention that he smokes weed on an “occasion.”
He filled me in on this bit of information during an intellectual conversation, where I told him that I try to avoid dating guys who are into smoking weed and playing video games. I didn’t know that it would be so hard to find a guy to meet the criteria of hobbies that don’t include killing brain cells. These days they are hard to come by. I don’t know, maybe the weed explains the delay. At the same time, if he were *high* there wouldn’t be a delay, right? He would laugh quickly at pretty much anything.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this...

Let me just say, I’m trying to see past the slowness and the weed smoking, because he’s nice. And I drink.

Anyway, slow guy took me out to dinner on Friday, to Romano’s, a.k.a., the Macaroni Grill. Somewhere I had never been before, because in my mind I had pictured Bertha, with a hairnet, scooping macaroni out buffet style to Jimbo and them.

I was pleasantly surprised when we got situated at the bar that this was a place I might actually enjoy.

I would call our dinner date, the ‘official’ third date for slow guy and I. (We still had to suffer through small talk and ask each other every five minutes, “is everything ok?”) The evening started off like any other opening night, as he made a toast we giggled and flirted. Slow guy was even sweet enough to help me figure out the foreign menu of pastas and wines.

Somewhere between the appetizers and the main course I managed to have one too many Washington Apple shots. I washed them down with two glasses of wine and grew impatient with our now dry conversation. I’ll admit, I’m a cheap date and by the end of dinner I had to pee and slow guy was getting on my nerves with his Q&A survey of, “so tell me about you?”

I’ll tell you about me. I have a small bladder and I’m going to need another shot to continue this boring ass conversation.

By the time we headed back to his place I wasn’t walking crooked, I was walking in circles. (I think I played it off though; my slurred speech might have been the only thing giving me away). When we got back to his place his roommate was sitting on the couch rolling a fatty. Without any hesitation, slow guy plopped down on the couch, eager to join in on the rotation of the puff. I know I was a ‘little’ sloshed, but couldn’t he have waited until I went home to satisfy his craving? He might as well have whipped out his d*ck and slapped me in the face with it.

Oh well, I guess it never would have worked out with slow guy anyway. We obviously don’t share the same interests. He's a pothead, I'm a drunk. He eats, I throw up. He stares at things for long periods of time, I pass out. He chills on the couch, I stumble around. You get the point.

He was considerate enough to offer me a hit.

I told you he was a nice guy.

There Really is A Sex GOD!!!

I know, I know, my work is coming out in spurts today. I think it's the heat. I can't concentrate. My face is melting into a sweaty blob that is traveling into my cleavage...

I just wanted to share one more thing before I call it a day.

Apparently, Sarah Jessica Parker and whats-her-face (Kim Cattrall) have squashed their beef, after an hour and 45 mins. of mud wrestling. It was a close call. I'm not sure who won. S.J.P.'s weave was blocking my view, but The Sex and the City movie is a go!!

Next to the Spice Girl reunion tour, that had to be the best news I've heard all day...

Question of the Day...

Are there gas stations in New York City???

Rushing into Things...

I think it would be superfluous of me to say, I told you so, but I'm going to go ahead and say it anyway...

Disappointing sequels: Shrek 3, Ocean's Thirteen, Pirates of The Caribbean 3 and (I'm going to also include) Transformers...

The good news is that Rush Hour 3 is coming out this summer!!


*sigh* Chris Tucker, you have been missed...MsP

My Secret Lover: Gay Pride Travels to NYC

You know it's funny...

I just took my first trip ever to NYC, from the Bay Area, California (officially the last family vacation I will ever suffer through again) and some how managed to stumble in on a gay pride parade...go figure. Here is me talking to the 'Top Flight Security Guard' at the festival...

MsP- "Wow! Do you guys do this every Sunday?"

'Top Flight Security Guard'- "Nope. This only happens once a year."

man...???
man...!!!
men....!!!
man...???
boys...;)
men...!!!
I have to admit I have a crush on NYC...but don't tell anyone ... *see I'm blushing*... I am a Cali girl, forever in my heart.

Although, there was something about NYC that I just can't explain. Maybe it was the busy streets, (almost getting run over by a taxi cab), all the glamorous shopping, (getting a coach bag and sunglasses off the street for more than 1/2 off), or the food (is NYC known for the food?) that has got me all flustered inside.

Traveling with the fam can really drag a**, but I wouldn't trade my NYC experience for anything. I would go back in a heartbeat.

The Ex, The Tequila and The Reason Why I'm Single

“Never make someone a priority, when all you are to them is an option."

There comes a time in most relationships, (especially today, in America, in 2007) when things just don’t work out. The honeymoon phase becomes a distant memory, "Mr. right" turns into what-the-f*ck-was-I-thinking and the person we thought could be "the one", is as bad as a hangover in Las Vegas.

(At least that seems to be the reason for the divorced population today, with 50% of marriages ending in divorce, but what do I know, I’ve never been married).

Sometimes there are subtle signs that the relationship is over, for example, getting married in Las Vegas, constant arguing, loss of interest in the same activities, dry boring sex, cheating, excessive drinking, heroin, etc.

Hollywood ‘A-listers’ continue to set such prime examples of what not to do. Especially Britney, y’all, because shaving your head, beating cars with umbrellas and popping out two babies in less than a year, apparently will not save a marriage.

So instead I look to family for a better idea of what a successful relationship could be. My grandparents were married for 52 years, my parents 30 years and well, I’m single. Nice.

Relationships take time, effort and energy and at this point, I’ve clocked out and lost interest.

Am I bitter? Maybe.

Do I need to get laid? Perhaps.

However, I’m not in a hurry to meet the next man controlled by his genitals.

My last relationship ended after a night of drinking way too much tequila.

Forget drunk dialing, I hopped the fence to my ex’s apartment complex, stumbled up the stairs, only to find him in bed with another woman. He casually tried to explain to me that he was naked because he’d just gotten out of the shower, when this woman had miraculously appeared in his bed.

Along with the leprechaun in his laundry basket, the unicorn in his closet and the skid marks in his boxer-briefs.

“See babe, what had happened was”…

(You see, the thing that gets me, is not the fact that he was cheating, but the fact that he continued to lie about it. I mean you’re caught buddy. It’s over. The hole you are digging,’ is deep into the walls of her vagina. Admit you f*cked up and move on).

At the time, my blurred vision allowed me to see through his lie and somehow through my drunken fury and double vision, I managed to punch him square in the jaw. Then, afraid he was going to call the cops on me, a drunk and violent trespasser, supposed girlfriend, I fled (stumbled) back downstairs. Maneuvering through some bushes, I did a couple back-flips, a somersault and used my peripherals before diving into the car where my friend was waiting, for a quick getaway.

(I was James Bond 007 in my former life, or in other words, I couldn’t walk because I was so heavily intoxicated).

This encounter was the first and only time in my life that being drunk and ambitious was beneficial. I’m not saying we had the best relationship aside from the drinking and the other women, but that night pretty much killed any future talks about, “where are we going with this?”

I Think I Know What I'm Talking About

Am I the only one who is not all pumped up about the movie ‘Transformers’!? Or the new iphone!?

So by now readers are probably wondering wtf ‘A Taste of Fresh Banana Puddin’s’ blog is really all about.

Honestly, I don’t know.

Cajun boy really put things into perspective when he stereotyped all bloggers and I didn’t fit into any category except possibly the stereotype inspiration blogger.

I’ll take it!

I always get in trouble for running my mouth so online at least I don’t have to worry about getting punched in the face for my opinion. So with that said, welcome to my world of true stories embellished by my imagination, rants and other useless information.

PS- Happy early 4th of July!!