Since the economy is down I thought it would be a good idea to revise my resume. So it’s a good thing that I have this blog full of so many things I’m good at to base my experience on…
Ms. Fresh Banana Puddin’You Are Here, CA 86411
1-800-FCUKOFF
mspuddin@gmail.com
OBJECTIVE
Looking for a job where no one cares about my punctual nature and sobriety.
EDUCATION
USSI - U Seem Smart Institute for becoming extra Smarter, You Are Here, CA
A Bull Shit degree in Learning
Minor in Stuff
EXPERIENCE
- Stripping
- Dancing on bars
- Drunk driving
- Any back alley
- Cheap date
- Plan B savvy
- Passing out Drunk (on doorsteps, front lawns, the back seat of your car, etc.)
- Knows someone who knows the personal assistant of the girl who was in that one movie, yeah her sister.
VOLUNTEER WORK
- N / A (I don’t do kittens, babies or old people)
AWARDS
- In The Hole Award (Puking on target)
- Nacho Champ Eater
- Falling face first an impressive amount of times
THINGS I’M GOOD AT
- Hopping fences
- Other people’s credit cards
- Getting free drinks
- Trespassing
- Losing panties
- Drunk texting / dialing / stopping by unannounced
- Getting by on a cup of noodles (Food Max, 24-pack for $3, btw)
- Dancing good while inebriated
- Holding my pee
- Creatively popping a squat
- Starting fights with bitches I don’t know…or my ex
- Decent at blowjobs, but infrequent
- Stuffing bra
- Giving number, email / address out to anyone who asks for it
- Setting things on fire
PERSONAL ATTRIBUTES
- Habitual Thrower
- Insecure
- Clumsy
- Desperate
- Fucking Crazy
- Easy
EMPLOYMENT
42nd and Taylor 11 / 5 – current
You Are Here, CA
Corner Worker – I work hard
Burger King bathroom 4 / 08 – 11 / 1
You Are There, CA
Nothing really – sobered up and ate French fries
REFERENCES
911 – please ask for anyone who moves fast and has really good MEDs.
*A special thanks to my PA for helping me put this resume together on such short notice.
30 comments:
ROTFLMAO! That ish was funny as hell!
OOh add to that skills list: giving friends evil hangovers especially when they have to go in to work the next day.
LOL that's the best thing I have read all week. Thanks for the good laugh!
LOLLOLLOL
Jaycee
LOL Puddin!
CTFU!!!!!
*flavor flav voice* wowww
CTFU?
ROTFLMMFAO YESSSSSSSSS *copies And Pastes*
i loves this chica
Oh good Lord woman you are funny as hell!
Damn! Now I'm going to have to go change my panties as I peed a little from laughing so much.
Friggin weak bladder!
my dear... you have just inspired a blog... ROTF!!!!!
Holy hell.....
I'd hire you!
im down with a cheap date that looses her panties
hahahahahaha too funny
You're awesome. I totally laughed my ass off. I'd totally hire you.
girl this cracked me up and made my thursday!!! LOL
You're hired!
i would hire you in a second
you'sa fool!
but I needed that laugh today!
You're Hired!
Geeeezus girl...
You're definitely professional material! ;)
Hahaha! I need to revise my resume like this, too. Maybe that would help out for my Plan B, which is baking a lot and forcing other people around me to eat cookies?
I think you should get into politics. You are at least as qualified as Sarah Palin and you're definitely a lot smarter.
LMAO!
hilariousness.
you could get a lot of jobs with this resume Puddin. lol.
Wow - totally thought the "In The Hole" Award was for something else.
If most were honest - more resumes would look like this! HILARIOUS (as always) I think u need to go into comedy;-). Happy HollerDay, Sistah Puddin'!!
"- Decent at blowjobs, but infrequent"
damn, if that don't sound like me. where the eff you been @???
-kb
luvs it...gurly u are more than qualified for whatever it is u wanna do..lol
been lerkin' around...but couldnt not speak on this!
your a true LOL-piss-in-pants-from-laughter blogger.
thanks for makin' my blog stalkin' even better;)
So wait a minute, did you lose the itunes job?
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