I Died

I hate to see Heidi cry, again, but obviously this blog has no more life to it. I've moved on and over to tumblr. I still don't really know how to work the damn thing, but if any of you are interested in some short stories on my life about alcohol and regret, here's the link...

Would you rather...

...get trapped inside Kat Stacks vagina...

...roll around in fake blood at the crack house with Lindsay Lohan...

...or have a baby with Kelis?

F*ck Me and Tell Your Friends

Guest Writer: Bob and His Penis



It was my senior year in college, and I was living the good life. I’m active in my fraternity, my grades are good, I live comfortably, and the party life yielded its ultimate reward; pussy. I was getting so much ass, never did I have a need to masturbate.

If I wanted head, I called the knob slobber. If I wanted a fat ass, I called thick ems. And if I wanted lovin, I called the pseudo wifey. Or, I could go diving into the pool of groupies, closet freaks, lesbians, and big and tasties (I sorta have a fat fetish. Dunno why, just do)

To continue on, it was around 2 AM a couple days before my 22^nd birthday. I was a computer science major, so I was up doing programming homework and playing Call of Duty on my PC. Ring Ring Ring…

Me: “Hey Susan* wassup”

Susan: “My homegirl wants to fuck you and have a threesome. You down?”

Me: “Very funny Susan. Tell Janet* I said hi, and I’m going to finish my work” click

Ring Ring Ring…

Me: “Yessss Susan?” I’m irritated now. Doesn’t she know that this game is important? That my homework is due at 11 the next morning?

Susan: “Why’d you hang up? We’re serious. You want some pussy or not?”

Here we go! I thought. She’s either playing or serious. Either way, I win (I was currently sleeping with Susan on a regular basis. She was the pseudo wifey)

Me: “Sure Susan. Be here in 10 minutes or I’m going to sleep.” -Reality being I would probably stay up for another hour, roam the halls, and look for someone to “chill with” aka bone and grope. Susan and Janet showed up in 6 minutes.

We have some cordial conversation, joke about parties and school, and then go to the bedroom. I take off Susan’s clothes first, trying to gauge Janet’s reactions. She takes my bottle of E&J out the fridge, says “ummmm, can we take some shots horny bastards?” We laugh, take a couple of shots, and everyone gets naked.

I tell Janet that she has to prove she’s not playing by stepping up to the mic (yes it was wack. So shoot me, let’s see how smooth you are with shots of E&J in your system.) Janet starts giving me head. Susan moves Janet to the side, and joins her. For the first time in my life, I am living my imaginary porno; two girls giving me head at once. I feel myself about to nut so move away to compose myself.

I go to my drawer to put on a condom, so my back is turned to the girls. When I turn around, Janet is eating Susan’s pussy on the bed. I start cheesing, creep behind Janet, look Susan in the eye (she smirks) and stick my dick in Janet, who immediately places her hand on my stomach. I start slowly at first, but the liquor and excitement has me on retard mode, so I'm eventually thrusting like a mad man. I’m fucking hard and fast like a man possessed by demons and the finest of the finest crack cocaine. Janet stops slurping, starts moaning, then starts yelling “fuck me nigga! You better not get soft! Fuck me nigga! Get that pussy!”

Now I’ve been with aggressive women. But two aggressive women goes from excitement to well, fear after too much aggression. Throughout the night (it’s a blur after the aforementioned moments) I’m eating two girls out at once, licking toes, getting every fluid possible on either my groin and my face, and eventually picking up Janet, putting her on my shoulders, and slurping like a pothead with cotton mouth. I nutted 3 times and passed out.

I dunno what it’s called when everyone is giving and getting oral, but I do know that it felt good (except for getting sprayed with female ejaculate on my nose. Maybe I should listen when a woman is trying to move away while I’m eating her out. Fuck it, I liked it. Yes, I am a nasty man.)

We all pass out on my bed around 4(it’s a supertwin. Not too much room, thank goodness they weren’t big and tasties. Susan was a thickem though.). The girls leave my dorm room around 5. The next morning, everyone in operations research asked me how my threesome was the night before; Janet spent the entire morning telling everyone that she had a threesome with Bob the Alpha the night before.

I still exist!

Damn. I've neglected this blog. Like Lindsay's parents did her... *sigh*

Find me here.

MsP

Paula Patton is offended, are you?

In a recent interview with Women’s Health Magazine Paula Patton said, “I find [the term biracial] offensive. It’s a way for people to separate themselves from African-Americans….a way of saying ‘I’m better than that’.

I’m black because that’s the way the world sees me. People aren’t calling Barack Obama biracial. Most people think there’s a black president.”

Source: Necole Bitchie.com: Is The Term “Biracial” Offensive?

As a biracial individual I get what Patton is saying as far as how we are perceived. My mom, who is white, said that she sees Obama as biracial. However, I told her although she might see things that way, to the majority Obama is just another black guy.

In fact, coming from my personal experiences, most people when they first meet me assume that I am just a light skinned black person. I know this because people tell me this. They also say that after I open my mouth I sound more like surfer Barbie vs Boquweesha which verifies my “other” qualities. This might be because I’m educated, but another reason might also be because OMG, my mom is like totally a white lady.

I don’t find the term biracial offensive. I’d find words like mutt, half-breed, cross-breed, nigger, etc. offensive before biracial. Why? Because I am more than one race and we live in a society where we have to label everything. So if I had to choose, biracial seems the most endearing.

I can’t help who I am. This is how I came out. When I first meet someone the first words out of my mouth are never, “Hi, I’m Ms Puddin, I’m biracial and I must tell you this because I think that if you’re not mixed you are not as good as me.” I think that Patton has a mixed complex that she needs to work out. I have nothing to hide. My multicultural race is something to embrace…

Wait a minute, timeout. Is it that deep? Is this even worth a discussion? There might be more people out there who would agree with Patton and or are indeed offended. Therefore, I’m wondering maybe the term biracial is equivalent now to when black people used to be called colored or negroes? Or is this going to be something blown way out of proportion?

Also find this article here.

Beige people still causing havoc in 2010

I was in San Francisco a couple weeks ago and I met this guy, (we’ll call him Luke), who was from Philadelphia. In the midst of our conversation I made a joke about somebody once telling me I resembled Prince. Luke then claimed that he had never heard of Prince prior to watching select episodes of the Dave Chappelle Show.

He also didn’t get my joke :(

I was stunned and refused to believe this nonsense. Who are you and what planet do you live on where short mystical beige people with musical talent elude your existence? How shameful.

However, not too soon after my shock wore off, he rebutted me with, “We’ll have you ever heard of Jim Morrison?” The name sounded familiar, but I’m not going to lie, I had to Google before I was like, “Oh yeah, THAT white guy.”

And of course, this launched a debate.

For a brief moment it was very important for the both of us to justify why the other person’s idol was so elusive. Yes, Luke is white and I’m half black. And although it shouldn’t matter it still remains relevant.

I wondered could the only common ground among the races as far as entertainment be Michael Jackson and the rap genre. Are Idols among races only relevant when they are doing something ignorant? Or is race not important and I’m making a similar Kanye West-like bold statement, about how black people don’t know white music and white people just don’t care?

[Insert Kanye shrug here]

Anyway, the state of music over the last decade, as in it suffers to deliver quality and inspire, is one thing people of all races could potentially agree on. Therefore, I think that it is important everyone knows who the artists were before all this musical coonery. In honor of Black History Month I am going to dedicate the rest of this post to a short tutorial of who Prince is...



Meet Prince aka The artist formerly known as Prince: Singer, song singer, songwriter, musician, and actor.

Favorite color: Purple

Controversial: Yes

Famous for: Purple Rain, ruffles, deep intriguing voice, playa status and permy goodness.

Awards: 7 Grammys, A Golden Globe and an Academy Award.

Songs you may know: “When Doves Cry,” “Kiss” or go figure, “Purple Rain.”

For other random facts on in regards to Black History Month go here:

MsP

If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It

In a recent interview Heidi Montag told Extra that she wanted to make her boobs a size ‘H’ for Heidi. This was surprising to me, only because I wasn’t aware Heidi was up to the letter ‘H’ in the alphabet.

Heidi, who is only 23, is already a triple D after her second breast augmentation. And I’m guessing those breasts don’t feel nothing like sand. Nor do they feel like juicy clumps of fat as God intended.

By now I’m sure the news of Heidi’s interview with People Magazine on her 10 hour plastic surgery procedure has been well spread. If not, recent photos of Heidi should suffice. She looks like a young Donatella Versace blow up doll. Don’t stand too close folks she might be exuding her toxins.

Yikes is right.

Bitch if you need 10 hours of cosmetic surgery to fix things just give up. Find something more satiable in your life besides your looks. Even her douche of a husband Spencer Pratt tried to talk her out of it beforehand. He suggested she might need therapy and thought she was losing her mind to go through with it.

I always joke around about getting my boobs blown up, but I think if it came down to it and I had the opportunity I’d pass it up. Although if they can find a way to make my big toe smaller so the nail lady doesn’t gawk at it when I get a pedicure, that would be nice…

If you could get work done, would you? Or have you and for what reason?

All the things that Tiger did wrong: A guide to pimping hoes and being a billionaire without getting caught up...

...And not ending up killed by a crazy bitch you gave the A++ Dick game too. Which is a no no. Why you giving A++ Dick away all willy nilly? That shit is reserved for Christmas, Anniversary, and Festivus boo boo.

We all know everyone has a freaky side. Of course it's usually the ones we least expect it from who have a whole closet full of freak ass freak in them. Although it’s still hard to imagine Tiger Woods (of all people) saying, "I want to f*ck the shyt out of you, you dirty whore nigga lovin bitch. You want this Tiger dack down your throat? A healthy dosage of Tiger uppercut?", he sort of did. Kinky.

All professional athletes have hoes. Even Kobe has bitches. He just has smarter ones (with ID) under contract to shut them the f*ck up. Marrying a million dollar man, extra pussy is definitely and more than likely included. Does Kool-Aid need sugar? Thought so.

A bitch on the side will get everything her heart desires. She just has to work on two things: A quick kneel and silence. It's all about balancing and stabilizing the pussy on the side so there isn't any confusion or swinging gold clubs.

First of all, call your hoes through a burner (temporary, pre-paid cell phone for the urban illiterate) and never leave voicemails. The whole voicemail situation is baffling anyway. Where in the game do you wait for your hoes to call back? Exactly.

Messing with white crazy women will always get you in trouble. Invariably use black or minoritybroke or bougie women and keep them on payroll in order to keep the peace. Don't forget to change your number every couple months and have a rotation of five hoes every two months, only keeping one as your bottom bitch. Never, ever say, "I love you." Bottom line, don't get attached or catch feelings playa.

Throw lavish parties and invite your hoes. This ensures they sleep with other men you know and takes the heat off of you. Know when to cut contact for a few months ignoring hoes and keep the wife satisfied. One major thing Tiger made the mistake of was lying. You can't lie to women. If Elin is that naive of a woman he should have told her from the jump.

And last but not least do not get killed by your side piece or main lady!!!! NO! DO NOT DO IT! IT MAKES NO SENSE FOR THESE WOMEN TO LEAVE YOU SLUMPED AND LUMPED IN A CORNER!!!

Chris Henry

“Fell” from the back of a pickup truck, killed by fiancé. Why did you jump in the Truck Chris? We know you got ups, but you argued with the WRONG one. Let her drive off, she’ll come back…you got money.

Steve McNair

Shot in the face by side piece. Why did you have a piece around your side piece Steve? Always strapped is a song, not a real lifestyle Steve. Plaxico went to jail. You got shot in the face. They getting rid of you nigras one by one in the NFL.

Arturo “Thunder” Gatti

“Hung himself” after an “altercation” with his wife. Police let her go. Why? Cause she was smarter than you Thunder. Shoulda used that thunder down under to subdue a bitch but noooooooooooooooooooo you snapped your own damn neck...

Playas, please have an entourage. I know pro ballers are dumb, but where are the nigra posses? Where is that illicit friend known for getting hoes in and out? See above all the advice given, get you some hanger-on’s that know how and when to do the things you should but can’t do because of endorsements and your squeaky clean image. Every good girl has a whore friend. Every nerd has a bad ass gangstalicious cousin. What happened to Tiger’s? Kobe’s? Shaq’s?

This is in no way advocating that people cheat or have extramarital affairs. Nope, not going down that road. You signed that dotted line, gave away your right to fuck random broads (except for Will and Jada. Weirdos, but smart.), tough it out anti-playa. But please be smart Mr. or Ms. pro athlete/rapper/local celebrity/lime-light. Because we will laugh at you. We’ll mourn you, but we’ll laugh. Trust.

In conclusion, there isn’t any true way to handle side pieces/jump offs/hoes/bitches/i.e. f*ck buddy. You can have an extra bff, string along Stedman, and let everyone believe that you’re bi. Or maybe, just maybe, be faithful to your wife/husband. Cuz Lord knows we need more of Ozzie Davis and Ruby Dee and less of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.

This post was written by MsPuddin, inspired by the thoughts of Rob Holliday (B.K.A rmhoffa, but uses his legal name since he’s on a radio show and HAD to put his freakin link right here.) You can also find it here, along with some more ignant shyt.

Ms Puddin' Not So Fierce

There was a time in my life when I really thought I was Beyonce. It didn’t really help my situation that people used to tell me, “Hey, you kind of look like Beyonce.” Which somehow translated in my mind as, “You look just like Beyonce. You sing and dance just like her. Can I have your autograph?”

Things kind of got out of control when I started dying my hair blonde and walking in longer strides. However, over time my love for Beyonce kind of faded (she is way over publicized, yet still talented) and I began to realize that I look nothing like her.

The icing on the cake was not too long ago when I sat in the front row of a Tommy Davidson stand-up show. Um, big mistake, because for about an hour he went off to the audience about how I look like Prince. He even busted out in some Prince-like dance moves singing, Kiss and cooed, I Would Die 4 You.

With the extra, “oooo-oooo-oooo”… *hangs self*

Now people often tell me I look more like Melyssa Ford or Rosario Dawson. I definitely don’t have Melyssa Ford’s body, but I’ll take it. And as far as Rosario Dawson, I used to think she was ugly, until people started telling me that I looked like her. Now I’m like, oh hell yeah I look like her! Dayumn, that girl is fione.

Readers, who are your celeb look-alikes?

A Good B Job

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Big Black Taco

I was driving to work this morning when my thoughts were interrupted by a Taco Bell commercial. Taco Bell’s new ‘Black Jack Taco’ commercial to be exact. The words, “Black eye, black sheep, black jack, black taco,” were cooed into my ear over some dance music.

I don’t have cable so it was up to my imagination to decipher what they meant exactly. However, when ‘black taco’ is whispered into my ear like that, there are only a few places my mind will take me. So yes, for a brief moment my mind went there. And all I could do was hope the ‘black taco’ didn’t come with sour cream, and condoms. (Which I found out it doesn’t, thank God.)

After my perverted mind came back into reality I became slightly offended. Either their marketing team needs to get laid or fired. I know the economy is bad, so I’m not going to be the person to write the angry black taco letter to headquarters to get someone fired. However, there is no way to incorporate the color of the taco shell into that ad without being offensive.

Some things are just better left unsaid. Black, red, white tacos all just sound wrong. Can’t it just be a taco? Why must they associate color with it. Ok yeah I get that it’s physically black, I can see the damn thing, but come on. I can’t help but give the side eye when the message of their slogan is basically, ‘come eat our 89 cent black taco’…

*Pulls out black card in one hand and misogyny card in the other*

I’m just sayin…

Here is a version of the ad:

Giggin'

Catch me over here today...

MsP

My Friend Jon, The Ex Con

I'm a pretty social person when I want to be. I go places. I'm friendly. I make friends. *halo*

Well recently I might have been a little too friendly. Walking home from dinner with the bf, we saw some dude on the corner holding this sign...

I was impressed, thought it was catchy, hoped he made a buck or two. And of course I asked for a picture to put on my Facebook page, because what is the point of seeing something like that if you can't put it on Internet blast? Right? Right.

Anyway, a couple weeks later I was walking downtown and I see a guy holding up another impressive sign...

(Sign reads: "Will work for female relations, cash, car, tools, clothes, a job, apartment and anything else you wish to help my sorry non-having butt with.")

I stop and I said to the guy, “Hey, I saw a guy a couple weeks ago with another interesting sign (whipping out my cell phone to show him the picture) and I think you've got yourself some competition.”

“Hey that's me,” he said, pointing to the picture of him holding the 'ex con' sign. Ohhhhhh. Good thing I'm so perceptive.

“Well I put it on my Facebook page,” I told him, not sure of his reaction.

“Really? Cool,” he said.

Turns out his name is Jon. I'm not sure why exactly why he sits on the corner with crazy signs. The "ex con" thing might be a subtle explanation, but I'll have to get the full scoop one of these days.

I saw him again for a third time with his fiancée on Wednesday.

“Hey babe, this is the girl who puts my pictures on Facebook,” he tells her proudly, as I snap their picture...

I'm mad at the stoge in her hand and after all his 'female relation' signs this girl suddenly pops up. However, I also love happy endings ;0 Good luck to my new friend Jon, the ex con and his girl.

Introducing Marques Anthony: “R&B’s Best Kept Secret”

I found an upcoming artist via Twitter and I thought I’d share him with you since music is ruining my life right now. And he's kind of cute ::wink::wink:: Introducing (in his own words) “R&B’s Best Kept Secret” Marques Anthony…


MsP: So Marques Anthony, you’re a fresh and new R&B artist with the hot single ‘Cloud 9’. Tell me what your first single means to you and how it came about?

MA: My first single represents my weekends! Most people work very hard during the week to provide for their families and the means to survive. However, when Friday comes it gives you a sense of relief, enough to where you can relax and enjoy your weekend! ‘Cloud 9’ represents freedom, comfort and fun!!

MsP: What is your inspiration or also some of your favorite R&B/musical artists?

MA: Some of my inspirations are my family, friends, and all my haters! Those are the things that keep me working with such a pure passion for music! My favorite R&B artists would have to be Jamie Foxx, Tank, Usher, Baby Face, Dave Hollister, Joe, etc.


MsP: I know a lot of people are not too happy with the direction of music lately. What is your take on R&B and Hip Hop today?

MA: I think music right now is just a trend. If the beat is hot then you can pretty much say whatever you want and make a hit. “It has no substance”, as Jamie Foxx would say. I personally don’t like it at all because you can’t feel what the artists are saying anymore either. You can put on Dave Hollister's album, Chicago 85, and feel what he's going through in the song!

MsP: What do you think your distinct style will bring to your genre of music?

MA: When you listen to my music, I sing songs about different situations I have gone through that I know everyone can relate too. I want people to be able to feel the emotions when they listen to my music.

MsP: How is it working with Jamie Foxx as an artist and on Foxxhole Radio Show?

MA: Working with Jamie Foxx is like working with a family member! Jamie has always treated me like family and still does! He is the most down to earth celebrity you will ever meet!! Working with him on the Foxxhole as well as singing Background vocals on the "Blame It Tour" has truly been a blessing. Thanks to Marcus and Jamie King, who are Jamie's Manager's as well as my Godparents!

MsP: What artist(s) would you like to work with in the future?

MA: I would love to work with any artist who is willing to be different and get music back to the way things use to be!! A change is what I want to see in the music business!

MsP: Just out of curiosity, since it was such a big deal for a moment. What was your reaction when Kanye West jumped up on stage at the VMAs during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech?

MA: Too much Hennessy before the show started!!

MsP: With fame comes a price and that price is usually your privacy. People will be all up in your mix. What is one thing you are not willing to give up for the price of fame? Or are you willing to risk it all?

MA: I am not willing to risk losing my family as well as losing the respect of my home town!! I think that is one of the best feelings ever when you’re able to go back home and your hometown loves you more than any other place in the world. To have the respect of those you grew up with and people who raised you is better than being in any magazine or on any TV show!

MsP: I read in your bio that you had some pretty rough times to get where you are today. What was one of your hardest struggles to get where you are?

MA: It was very rough for me coming up in this music business! My first two years in LA I really didn’t have much of anything. I was sleeping from couch to couch and catching rides where ever I needed to go!

MsP: Was there a moment that made you almost give up on your dreams?

MA: I had a many nights where I cried myself to sleep only because I knew I couldn't give up on my dreams, which kept me going day after day!

MsP: Do you feel you’ve reached your potential musically?

MA: I know I haven't reached my full potential as an artist, but I’m on my way and I won’t stop until I get there!!

MsP: Do you have any performance rituals? Ex: stretching, finger aerobics, lots of alcohol, etc.?

MA: I do have a performance ritual, but I can’t tell you what that is!! ::LOL:: You gon’ have my secrets out there in the streets!! ::LOL::

MsP: Ohhhh ok (I’m afraid)::LOL:: But, moving on. Of course the ladies are at least going to want to know what Marques Anthony’s status is. Are you single or taken?

MA: For the record I am single right now!

MsP: R&B is universal for often expressing the emotion of love. Do you do that through your music?

MA: There’s only so much you can say in public though, if you know what I mean…

MsP: Have you ever been in love?

MA: (Smiley Face) Yes, I have been in love before! Love can either be some of the best moments in your life or some of the worst.

MsP: How would you seduce a woman? Or do you prefer to be the one getting seduced?

MA: If I can’t seduce you with the truth, then I’m no good. At the same time, I love to be seduced if she knows what she is doing!!!

Did you hear that ladies? Hint. Hint.

MsP: Beyonce or Rihanna?

MA: If it was me I would take Beyonce's voice and dancing abilities, combine them with Rihanna's looks and swag and get married!! ::LOL::

MsP: Ok and on that note that about wraps this up. Shout out to Janae Trevillion for setting this up. And good luck to you Marques Anthony.

MA: Thanks.

You can go to iTunes or Google ‘Marques Anthony Music’, which will link you to all the Web sites where you can download his music.

If you’re interested in reaching out and connecting with Marques Anthony, find him via http://twitter.com/marquesanthony, Facebook ‘Marques Anthony’ or myspace.com/Marquesjones21.

MsP

Accessorizing Your House = FAIL

I was minding my own business today. Really I was. I was just sitting in my cube, drinking my tea and working. Yes, actually working. That was until someone sent me this…

What the fuck is this? Extreme Makeover: Hood Edition? I know if somebody did my house like this I would scream in horror instead of excitement. Louis Vuitton is cute as a purse, ok on your nails and just borderline wtf-are-you-doing on the inside of your car, but this shit right here???

*extra side eye*

Please feel free to throw in a few words, a caption, an explanation, etc…

Hood Summer Fest 2009

So I went to a pool party @ the Clarion yesterday. * crickets * I know, that should have been my first red flag. I was lucky they even had a pool. It was a hood fest in its entirety. Clear plastic heels, fake Louis Vuitton and the guys came in groups of ten, dressed in plain white Ts with white towels on their heads.

There was a model contest. Let me rephrase that. There was a booty shakin’ contest. About 10 to 15 girls graced the stage (um box?) in their bikinis. Each one was announced by name and their hobby. I want to say that 90 percent of the hobbies had something to do with dancing, entertaining and possibly doing the splits.

All this happened within the first hour. I needed a drink. My boy was like, “Don’t trip, I got a bottle coming.” One hour later, in room 122 was a bottle of Hennessey, Patron and some cranberry juice. * side eye * I decided my best bet was the bar.

On my way back from the bar, I noticed some girl had decided to take a dip in the hot tub. She’s in the tub. Her fake ass ponytail was lying next to the tub. One of the 25 photographers at the party runs over, snaps a picture and then literally picks up this random girl’s hair and throws it in the trash.

OMG. Yes. This actually happened...

Let me not lie, even though I felt like I was cast in Plies’ next music video, I was entertained. And on the plus side there were no kids there and no one got shot. However, I knew it was time for me to go home when I found someone’s fake tittie (cutlet) on the ground.

Shout out to Big Dave Presents, Socially Flyy , QB Chronicles and BigBootyRemy for the photo!! You know I love you guys. All press is good press :)

DIVAS

I’ve noticed VH1 has been bringing back some of their classic shows like Behind the Music and DIVAS. I was definitely excited to hear that DIVAS was coming back this year. Remember the old school DIVAS, Whitney, Aretha, Mariah, Celine, Diana, Shaka, etc? There was nothing like some top selling female artists, with the biggest hair ever, trying to out sing each other.

It would start with Mariah singing, “I’m every womaaaaan!”

Then in comes Whitney, “No girl, nah uh, I’M everrrrrry womaaaaan,” belting even louder holding that note longer than Mariah.

Then in comes Shaka, to reinforce what Whitney just did singing, “It’s all in meeeeee!”

And while she’s singing, Mariah hits that high note putting everyone to shame. Diana is just on stage putting her big ass hair in everyone’s face and Whitney is in the background doing the ‘praise the lord’ shimmy.

* sigh *

Those were the music days I remember.

I was disappointed when I heard what the line-up was going to be for DIVAS this year. Kelly Clarkson, Jennifer Hudson, Leona Lewis, Miley Cyrus, Jordin Sparks and more. Ok VH1, I’ll give you Jennifer and Kelly, but Miley Cyrus? * side eye * Miley Cyrus is not a DIVA, will never be a DIVA, probably wasn’t even around when the original DIVAS aired.

*throws hands up in the air*

It might be too soon for Whitney, Celine is preggo, but I’m wondering if Beyonce and Christina were already booked? I know our music is in the shitter right now, but if Miley Cyrus and Jordin Sparks are the new DIVAS, this could be the beginning to the end of American music.

If you want to check out DIVAS , its Sept. 17th, 9/8 central, on VH1.

Another Bald Headed Beezy

I first heard about this from the folks over at Oh Hell Nawl! Solange knew the paps would be outside to capture that fuzz puff. The least she could have done for my eyes was worn a hat or at least gotten lined up with a design. Halle, Amber, Rihanna, etc. hella women cut their hair short and made it look good. Solange looks like she didn’t even attempt to pro-style the edges.

I want to sit here and clown that mess of a haircut, but I kind of feel bad.

In my opinion when women cut all their hair off it’s because they are really going through something. Even Amy Winehouse’s beehive recently got significantly shorter. And we all saw Brittney with the umbrella and the I’m-going-to-eat-your-babies-bitch look in her eyes.

Solange posted something on her twitter earlier today about how she had too much to worry about versus her hair. And that she was just taking her son to school. She said that she didn’t get a style, because her intentions were never to make any type of trend or statement.

Honey, that haircut says a lot. That haircut says pay attention to me now damnit! That haircut says I don’t really have a career, I live in my sister’s shadow and I don’t know where my life is going. Someone. Please. Help.

Whatever she is going through emotionally, understandable, we all have our days. However, financially? Shieeeet. Her sister is Beyonce and her brother-in-law is Jay-z. Please tell me they couldn’t toss this heffa a couple dollars to go get lined up???

Big Kickin' It At Target

Brought to you by the folks over at OHN. I hate you all...

In other news...

I went to Target on my lunch break today, in hopes of getting something classy for my ex boyfriend from high school as a wedding gift. I felt kind of bad going to Target, but hey that’s where he’s registered and it’s my ex.

Once I printed out the registry and discovered the reoccurring theme of a losing football team, all shameful thoughts flew out the window. Listed was, an Oakland Raiders Table Cover, an Oakland Raiders 4-pc BBQ Tool Set, an Oakland Raiders Bedding Collection and an Oakland Raiders Frosted Pint Glass Set.

I started cracking up as I sifted through the list with my eyes. Was he using this wedding as the opportunity to catch up on his favorite team’s collectibles? A visual of a man I once loved twenty years later on the couch with a beer belly and no motivation in life flashed through my mind.

It was right then and there I decided not to be stingy. Instead of going bitter and stag to his wedding, I was going to be happy and celebrate. This girl he was marrying could have him. I tossed the list and opted to buy the happy couple a bottle of wine...

On my way out the store, this guy who obviously worked at Target, with his red button-up and “Jeremy” Target badge shouted out to me.

“Hey, weren’t you the girl eating at the register last week?” He asked.

“I wasn’t eating, I was putting a cough drop in my mouth,” I said defensively.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were eating.” he said. “Are you a regular here or something?”

“Hahaha no, I just work across the street so its convenient.”

“Oh,” he said. “Do you work at that place across the street that sells Hammer pants?

*Crickets*

No, I do not sit in an office all day and sell MC Hammer merchandise! And if I did work there and you were looking for some sort of re-live the 90s "two legit" hook up Mr., it’s not gonna happen!

Wait. Hold up, time out. Is there really a place somewhere that just sells Hammer pants?

And just to clarify, I was NOT chillin’ at the Target cash register eatin’ a snack…

When karma punches you in the face...

I dub this as Perez Hilton's new theme song...



It would be irrelevant for me to go on a rant right now about Perez and his antics as of late. I'm not condoning violence or picking sides, but didn't he have it coming? And I'm sorry but that was a good ass whoopin' son. It's like all the nasty things he's ever said about other people swelled up in his left eye.

I really do hope he signs up for John Mayer's, "Never Call A Black Dude a Faggot Jitsu" class...