Friday, December 18, 2009

All the things that Tiger did wrong: A guide to pimping hoes and being a billionaire without getting caught up...

...And not ending up killed by a crazy bitch you gave the A++ Dick game too. Which is a no no. Why you giving A++ Dick away all willy nilly? That shit is reserved for Christmas, Anniversary, and Festivus boo boo.

We all know everyone has a freaky side. Of course it's usually the ones we least expect it from who have a whole closet full of freak ass freak in them. Although it’s still hard to imagine Tiger Woods (of all people) saying, "I want to f*ck the shyt out of you, you dirty whore nigga lovin bitch. You want this Tiger dack down your throat? A healthy dosage of Tiger uppercut?", he sort of did. Kinky.

All professional athletes have hoes. Even Kobe has bitches. He just has smarter ones (with ID) under contract to shut them the f*ck up. Marrying a million dollar man, extra pussy is definitely and more than likely included. Does Kool-Aid need sugar? Thought so.

A bitch on the side will get everything her heart desires. She just has to work on two things: A quick kneel and silence. It's all about balancing and stabilizing the pussy on the side so there isn't any confusion or swinging gold clubs.

First of all, call your hoes through a burner (temporary, pre-paid cell phone for the urban illiterate) and never leave voicemails. The whole voicemail situation is baffling anyway. Where in the game do you wait for your hoes to call back? Exactly.

Messing with white crazy women will always get you in trouble. Invariably use black or minoritybroke or bougie women and keep them on payroll in order to keep the peace. Don't forget to change your number every couple months and have a rotation of five hoes every two months, only keeping one as your bottom bitch. Never, ever say, "I love you." Bottom line, don't get attached or catch feelings playa.

Throw lavish parties and invite your hoes. This ensures they sleep with other men you know and takes the heat off of you. Know when to cut contact for a few months ignoring hoes and keep the wife satisfied. One major thing Tiger made the mistake of was lying. You can't lie to women. If Elin is that naive of a woman he should have told her from the jump.

And last but not least do not get killed by your side piece or main lady!!!! NO! DO NOT DO IT! IT MAKES NO SENSE FOR THESE WOMEN TO LEAVE YOU SLUMPED AND LUMPED IN A CORNER!!!

Chris Henry

henry.jpg

“Fell” from the back of a pickup truck, killed by fiancé. Why did you jump in the Truck Chris? We know you got ups, but you argued with the WRONG one. Let her drive off, she’ll come back…you got money.

Steve McNair

McNair.jpg

Shot in the face by side piece. Why did you have a piece around your side piece Steve? Always strapped is a song, not a real lifestyle Steve. Plaxico went to jail. You got shot in the face. They getting rid of you nigras one by one in the NFL.

Arturo “Thunder” Gatti

Arturo-Gatti0402-0503c.jpg

“Hung himself” after an “altercation” with his wife. Police let her go. Why? Cause she was smarter than you Thunder. Shoulda used that thunder down under to subdue a bitch but noooooooooooooooooooo you snapped your own damn neck...

Playas, please have an entourage. I know pro ballers are dumb, but where are the nigra posses? Where is that illicit friend known for getting hoes in and out? See above all the advice given, get you some hanger-on’s that know how and when to do the things you should but can’t do because of endorsements and your squeaky clean image. Every good girl has a whore friend. Every nerd has a bad ass gangstalicious cousin. What happened to Tiger’s? Kobe’s? Shaq’s?

This is in no way advocating that people cheat or have extramarital affairs. Nope, not going down that road. You signed that dotted line, gave away your right to fuck random broads (except for Will and Jada. Weirdos, but smart.), tough it out anti-playa. But please be smart Mr. or Ms. pro athlete/rapper/local celebrity/lime-light. Because we will laugh at you. We’ll mourn you, but we’ll laugh. Trust.

In conclusion, there isn’t any true way to handle side pieces/jump offs/hoes/bitches/i.e. f*ck buddy. You can have an extra bff, string along Stedman, and let everyone believe that you’re bi. Or maybe, just maybe, be faithful to your wife/husband. Cuz Lord knows we need more of Ozzie Davis and Ruby Dee and less of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.

This post was written by MsPuddin, inspired by the thoughts of Rob Holliday (B.K.A rmhoffa, but uses his legal name since he’s on a radio show and HAD to put his freakin link right here.) You can also find it here, along with some more ignant shyt.

17 comments:

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

lmBao

classic

thehoustongirl said...

PREACE to the tabernacle!! I duno wtf is wrong with these dudes?! Hoeing has always been around but with the extra techology in place; its kinda hard to do that now!

have a good weekend puddin! :D good to see a post from you!

-thehoustongirl

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KingRaf01 said...

Dayaaam put it on em ms. puddin! lol can't assume we always have sidechicks... shiiiaat wish i did tho, this drought ain't cool! lol

miss. chief said...

so true, he needs to re-think his ho choice. thanks for explaining what a burner is, I honestly had no idea. i appreciate it, hahaha

Anonymous said...

this is the truth!

Cunning_Linguist said...

How can his wife marry a guy who got her not by going to church and THEN not even think a billionaire sports figure is NOT going to get some on the side?

Also..... if I show a bank account with 7 figures, that means I can call you? :P

LiLu said...

This. Is. HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!! Love! Ahahahahahahaha!

Mista Jaycee said...

Hey Puddin,
Me thinks you know entirely too much about this. LOL
Happy New Year!
Jaycee

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

suga said...

I didnt want to laugh at this cuz people really did die but...bwahahaaha this was hilarious. I'm wondering how many more need to get killed for these dudes to straighten up or at least be careful and smart about who they make their jump offs.

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Sunshyne said...

smdh at these fools, I suggest gettin a married ho that way both yall got something to lose so she less likely to act a damn fool, shit why don't they rotate wives with their teammates or some shit?

Anonymous said...

Hi! Nice idea, but will this really work?

Untouched Jewel said...

Puddin, Puddin, Puddin....you hit the nail on the head with this post.

These stupid ass faggots get themselves caught up, because somewhere along the line, they are dying for that same attention from their wives. Other times, they are just being who they are, HOES.

Real talk, I've seen pimps in Hollywood with more game. Literally. Gettin caught don't make no damn sense. How about just stay single and screw around? But I guess married men need some thrill in their life, right? LOL.

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