Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Ms Puddin' Not So Fierce

There was a time in my life when I really thought I was Beyonce. It didn’t really help my situation that people used to tell me, “Hey, you kind of look like Beyonce.” Which somehow translated in my mind as, “You look just like Beyonce. You sing and dance just like her. Can I have your autograph?”

Things kind of got out of control when I started dying my hair blonde and walking in longer strides. However, over time my love for Beyonce kind of faded (she is way over publicized, yet still talented) and I began to realize that I look nothing like her.

The icing on the cake was not too long ago when I sat in the front row of a Tommy Davidson stand-up show. Um, big mistake, because for about an hour he went off to the audience about how I look like Prince. He even busted out in some Prince-like dance moves singing, Kiss and cooed, I Would Die 4 You.

With the extra, “oooo-oooo-oooo”… *hangs self*

Now people often tell me I look more like Melyssa Ford or Rosario Dawson. I definitely don’t have Melyssa Ford’s body, but I’ll take it. And as far as Rosario Dawson, I used to think she was ugly, until people started telling me that I looked like her. Now I’m like, oh hell yeah I look like her! Dayumn, that girl is fione.

Readers, who are your celeb look-alikes?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Good B Job

I applied for some jobs on adultstaffing.com, which is a Web site catered to people looking for work in the adult entertainment industry. My interest in doing this sparked a while back after watching an episode of MTV’s ‘True Life’ entitled, ‘I Work in the Porn Industry’. There was a girl on the show whose job really intrigued me.

I know what you’re thinking and no, it’s not like that. My intentions were not to do any type of pornographic work including nude modeling, intercourse, Web cam teasing, escorting, none of those things came to my mind. I only applied for some of the behind the scenes ‘businesslike jobs’, like HR, management, etc.


Hey the girl on MTV sounded like she really enjoyed her job and made good money, so why not?

Unfortunately, the responses I’ve gotten in regards to my application (with a picture) have been endless opportunities to spread my legs instead of my intellect. So one could imagine my excitement when I received an email the other day that started out like this…

“I am VERY interested in interviewing you as my personal assistant. I currently run a large well respected escort agency, and am working on building and developing an adult video production / content for an internet company, real estate, and national call center. Relocation is not necessary, if you are willing to travel a few times a month. I can be very flexible with scheduling and of course all travel and hotel costs are paid in full by me...I have a very real need of a personal assistant to help me continue to build and run my "empire".”

As long as the word ‘agency’ is in the same sentence as ‘personal assistant’, I’m down. However, I was only excited until about halfway through the email, which somehow turned into this…

“I am also looking for someone just as good UNDER the desk as they are above it. I think this should be fun, profitable, and a physically enjoyable endeavor… Physically: Insatiable Woman, Strong desire to please, Attractive, Loves to show off her body, revealing clothing, teaser, pleaser, sexual, orally fixated lol, ready to “go”, anytime, anywhere, any place, and OFTEN!”

My big opportunity shifted from immense potential into a really bad personal ad on craigslist . *cringes* And did this guy just use ‘lol’ in a business email? I guess everyone has to give head to get ahead in the adult industry. Personally I don’t mind getting paid under the table, but I definitely don’t want to work down there.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Big Black Taco

I was driving to work this morning when my thoughts were interrupted by a Taco Bell commercial. Taco Bell’s new ‘Black Jack Taco’ commercial to be exact. The words, “Black eye, black sheep, black jack, black taco,” were cooed into my ear over some dance music.

I don’t have cable so it was up to my imagination to decipher what they meant exactly. However, when ‘black taco’ is whispered into my ear like that, there are only a few places my mind will take me. So yes, for a brief moment my mind went there. And all I could do was hope the ‘black taco’ didn’t come with sour cream, and condoms. (Which I found out it doesn’t, thank God.)

After my perverted mind came back into reality I became slightly offended. Either their marketing team needs to get laid or fired. I know the economy is bad, so I’m not going to be the person to write the angry black taco letter to headquarters to get someone fired. However, there is no way to incorporate the color of the taco shell into that ad without being offensive.

Some things are just better left unsaid. Black, red, white tacos all just sound wrong. Can’t it just be a taco? Why must they associate color with it. Ok yeah I get that it’s physically black, I can see the damn thing, but come on. I can’t help but give the side eye when the message of their slogan is basically, ‘come eat our 89 cent black taco’…

*Pulls out black card in one hand and misogyny card in the other*

I’m just sayin…

Here is a version of the ad: