Your Cat Pissed in My Cheerios

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."--Groucho Marx.

I want to make something clear. I am not an animal person. I especially hate cats.

So please get that “cuddly” ball of fuzz out of my face. And no, I don’t want to hold it, pet it, touch it, feed it, talk to it, walk it, kiss it, lick it, or whatever.




I know what you’re thinking. ‘Aww…so cute’ and ‘how could she be so mean?’

Maybe my hatred towards cats has come deep from the root of my childhood, when I was attacked by one of my mom’s several cats.

I’m serious.

I was seven years old, getting dressed in my room, minding my own business, when he pounced. He was a black cat named Jr., with piercing yellowish-gold eyes, who for some reason did not like me.

It was personal.

I could tell by the way he paced back and forth, licking his lips in anticipation, before he dug his claws deep into my naked skin and scratched me all the way to the ground. It was a no mercy situation. And I am forever traumatized.

So therefore, people who have a creepy loving relationship with their pet, makes me sick. I would rather cut myself with razor blades and squeeze lemon juice on my wounds then to be around a pet lover.

And could someone please explain to me why people dress their dogs in Christmas checkered sweaters, with bows in their “hair” and tote them around in weird carriers?

Dogs have fur, which keeps them warm. If people feel they are doing the poor thing a favor, shave it in the summertime.

The yuppie-grooming trend of dogs is almost as bad as those people who insist on holding conversations with their cats. When I’m not around does your cat suddenly come to life in an animated ‘Sabrina The Teenage Witch’ character and hold a meaningful conversation? If that is the case then, ok, by all means talk to your cat.

According to Katherine C. Grier, author of “Pets in America: A Brief History,” Americans keep nearly 91 million cats and 74 million dogs. I understand some people have pets to make up for the loss of a loved one or to fill in the blank for not having a significant other.

However, ‘pet love’ has been taken to the extreme and I think there should be diagnosis for people who tend to their pets more than they would a human being.