Wednesday, February 27, 2008

In the meantime...

I guess since there are a few stragglers in the competition, I’m going to go ahead and hold off on the judging. I wasn’t planning on posting until then, so in the meantime, she’s f*cking Matt Damon...



...and he’s f*ckng Ben Affleck...

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Hiatus

I have been getting a lot of great stuff sent to my email. A little porn and some penis enlargement offers, but mostly some great rocker faces. I’m excited the contest is heating up! If you haven’t sent anything in, do so now.

I know there is a two dollar Tuesday or something going on tonight that will be the perfect environment for snapping pics. I plan on posting the Rock Star Challenge results by the end of this week...

Monday, February 25, 2008

Jordan's tongue ain't got nothing on me...

The ex, took the time out of his weekend, to let me know that my MySpace page is (in his opinion) stank/skanky. Why thank you, * stops and waves to the ex * I appreciate your concern on something so important as MySpace. I wouldn’t want people to get the wrong idea about me based on my MySpace page! Oh no, because MySpace is such a big part of my life. * makes a face *

He also informed me that only Michael Jordan looks good with his tongue out. So let’s compare, shall we?

*sniff, sniff, sniff * I think I smell a hater. What do you think?

Two more days left to enter your pics in the Rock Star Challenge. Things are looking good! Once the contest is over I will get back to my regular routine of blog whoring, promise...

Friday, February 22, 2008

Time To Bust A Move

Ok people, the weekend is here, time to go out, get crazy and start snappin’ pics! (If you gotta dig through your archive, that’s ok too). In case you need some motivation, here is Brandon Hardesty with some “unconventional dance moves” that might help out…



The Rock Star Challenge wants YOU to participate!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Rock Star Challenge

As we all know when I get drunk I do this

Actually sometimes even when I’m sober I still do this

So Slaus, from over at Oh Hell Nawl, and I have decided to put together a little contest. I want to see YOU the readers/writers/blog whores, make YOUR best rocker/Puddin’/tongue picture! Slaus thinks he’s got it, but I know a few of my readers mentioned they make the same faces when they party. (???)

We want to see!

So I’m giving those of you who are bold enough A WEEK, to send me a picture of YOUR best rock star face. That gives you the weekend to get with loved ones, friends or the hooker on the corner of 31st and Market Street, so they can snap a picture of you lookin’ crazy! Yay!

Email it to me, mspuddin@gmail.com.

C’mon, don’t be shy. I promise if you send me a pic I won’t stalk you, just your blog! There will be prizes! It depends on how many entries we receive to determine how many prizes. Why? I don’t know, but the more the better! Tell your blog friends! Can’t wait to see the craziness!

* disclaimer * Please refrain from sending photos of your naked ass. If you get too drunk, passing out between the coffee table and the couch before capturing the perfect rocker image, keep the evidence to yourself. No pictures of you having sex with animals or other foreign objects are necessary. Make sure to wipe the crust out your eyes and boogers out of your nose before posing. Once you send Ms Puddin’ a picture of your craziness, you are giving her the right to possibly make a joke at your expense. ;p

MsP

Monday, February 18, 2008

I’m A Winner!

The folks over at Oh Hell Nawl hosted their first Bloggin’ Ass Blogger Awards Show on Saturday. I rolled in a little late, tripped on the red carpet, accidentally flashed my va jay jay to the paparazzi, but I still made it. I was awarded...

…and...

You can peep out my acceptance speech here. Also, the Diva herself just gave me an award for mad partying skillz. Who me? Party? Never!

Anyway, I'm flattered! These are the first bloggin’ awards I’ve received since I joined the blogsphere so I am excited! Thanks again guys! You’re f*ckin’ awesome!

MsP

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Party Pics!

I’m sorry guys. I’m a little hung over. So I can’t quite put into words what my birthday celebration was like. Fortunately, I do have some great photography from Saturday night. In fact my camera disappeared for half the night so there's even some extra ignant activity that was captured...

If you didn't already know, my birthday was last Tuesday and my coworker’s is this coming Tuesday, so we decided to do a joint birthday party at a club on Saturday. Our guest list was over 100 people and the majority showed up. All I’m going to say is that things got a little out of control…

I started the night out looking like the goddess/diva that I am and finished the night looking like a cracked out drag queen having a Lindsay Lohan episode. My black eye shadow eventually leaked underneath my eyes as alcohol seeped through my pores giving me a sweaty glow. And I accidentally broke the seal way too early...

…why does it look like I’m squeezin’? Even though my face makes it look like I’m takin’ a sh*t, I’m not. And when I wasn't running to that throne, here's me and the birthday boy in the VIP on our thrones... tongues out baby!!!

This is it for me. No more clubs for a loooooooong time...

*Please excuse the ignance that is this post. The intellect quality should be back up to par momentarily.*

Thursday, February 14, 2008

I F*cking Love You B*tch!

I don’t think I’ve ever understood the true meaning of Valentines Day. I never had to. My mother always found a way to combine my birthday and Valentines Day into one big vomit of a celebration.

I remember receiving cards, candy and once a dozen pink roses, all from my mother. Every year she would spend hours molding my birthday cake into a gigantic pink heart. If I knew any better I would have sliced right down the middle of her cake with a knife, licking the frosting from my fingertips.

The Valentine that once was my mother, eventually somehow shifted into a painful day that involved boys. Boys who never could really grasp the significance of candy grams and other mushy stuff that I would probably care less about on any other day. Focus boys, because I’m only going to say this once. Being romantic = getting laid. Maybe even a blowjob, depending on what kind of chocolate we’re talkin’. How does this work out? Well because the better you treat us women, the more we have to go and brag to our friends about. And the more we have to rub in our friend’s faces, the happier we are!

Oh come on, we’ve all experienced it. In high school the person who received the most balloons and candy grams was for some reason peerless. They were equivalent to someone society would trophy today after having cosmetic surgery and a diet of grapes.

Back in the day, a majority of the “gifts” I received on Valentines Day, people tried to pass off as late birthday presents. Really, this paper card with a lollipop stuck to it does not make up for the fact that you forgot my birthday. (I really feel bad for those people who have to celebrate their birthdays so close to Christmas). In addition, you’re a girl. So we can’t even make out so I can show you my appreciation for this “Happy Birthday/Valentines Day” balloon you got me.

After those days were over, Valentines Day became another excuse of a holiday to go out and get sh*t faced with a bunch of my single girlfriends.

“Do you have a Valentine?”

“Nope.”

“Neither do I. Tequila shots?”

“Ok.”

As I get older and the more I sound like a bitter-20-something-that-needs-to-get-laid-or-at-least-a-really-big-box-of-chocolates, I wonder, maybe my mom was the best Valentine I’ve ever had? Doing a body shot out of my girl’s belly button is in tie for second with eating a whole box of chocolates by myself. How romantic.

Man does that gigantic pink heart cake sound really good right about now…

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Go shawty it’s ya birthday!

Ah yes, it’s February 12th. The day the heavens parted and said let there be some Fresh Banana Puddin’! Yes b*tches, it’s my birthday! My party isn’t until Saturday. So hopefully I will capture some amazing debauchery to share with you all later…

Friday, February 8, 2008

I’m In Love With A Porn Star

I have a secret crush on Jenna Jameson.

Scrawny white chicks with plastic double Ds are usually not my type, but she does it for me. Why? I read her story “How to Make Love Like A Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale” and it was surprisingly inspiring. I’ve always been passionate about reading autobiographical stories. Stories about the people who started with nothing and completely turned their lives around. And that is exactly what her story is. Jenna managed to flip her life from being a victimized, runaway, drug addict, into a multi-million dollar public figure.

Of course, since she’s a Porn Star her story is that much more intriguing.

I’ve have never seen one of her movies and I don’t intend to. Yes, I watch porn, but learning Jenna’s story actually gave me this incidental respect for her. She sure did f*ck her way to the top, but she has this business sense and drive that most people in that industry fail to obtain.

Maybe she also turns me on a little bit…

*Other autobiographies I recommend: Bernie Mac’s, “Maybe You Never Cry Again”, Sistah Souljah’s “No Disrespect”, (based on true events) and “Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance”, by Barack Obama ( haven’t read Obama’s story yet, but it was given to me by my mother, it’s next on my list of things to read).

Thursday, February 7, 2008

If Ms Puddin' had a reality TV show…

                    (Ms Puddin' & Tyree from MTVs Real World)

Since the stories I tell on my blog are true, a few of my readers mentioned I have the potential to have a successful reality TV show. In translation, when I talk about having sex with midgets, dancing on bars naked and locking my keys in the car with it still running, you nosey people basically want to be witnesses to all that insanity.

I love the love, it makes my nipples hard.

So I promise I won’t try and turn my D-list fame into a music career. Untalented singers are as played as sex tapes and Jessica Simpson. I’m just hoping that my show might be a way to boost my career in debauchery and an excuse to buy new panties. Yay!

So anyway, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how I’m going to go about pitching my reality TV show to VH1. I want to make sure I have enough material without having to go down on the producer. I mean if I have to, I will, but that’s plan B. In the meantime, I’ve been working on some ideas that might be good for the show…

First of all, it will be called I Tasted Fresh Banana Puddin’ and will take place in Sin City, Vegas. (I’m hoping to get the Playboy suite at the Palms). Or maybe we should film it in Mexico? That way, in case we do anything illegal we can hop the border. (Which would make for a great episode, btw).

I’m going to invite Ice T’s woman Coco, Jenna Jameson, and Kanye West to make guest appearances. However, I’m going to put in Coco’s contract she can’t participate unless she wears pants that show off her va jay jay and does this...

…which shouldn’t be a problem. Jenna can just do what she does best and in Kanye’s contract I’m requiring he throws at least two of his hissy fits.

Of course, there will be alcohol, but hey, lets do some experimenting too. I want people to feel good, really good.

The plot? Well, there isn’t one. It’s reality TV! I think the biggest obstacle on the show will be trying to find my panties.

The only other problem I ran across after all this brainstorming is, I fart. A lot. This could be a problem. I don’t think anyone on reality TV has farted before? Maybe on Jackass? If a camera is following me around 24/7 I’m bound to break wind at some point. Maybe we can just edit that part (those parts) out later???

Soooo, what do you think??? * blink, blink *

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

An open letter to Heidi Montag


Heidi,

I’m writing because I just watched your first music video Higher. Why? I have NO idea.

It makes a significant amount of sense that your douche fiancĂ© Spencer Pratt directed that hot mess. See the problem is I was watching it and I couldn’t grasp the message you were trying portray through your music. Anorexia? Stupidity? Plastic surgery? What happens when you focus on becoming famous with no talent instead of getting an education?

Then it hit me!

As I watched you spin around, your unnatural titties cascading from the sides of your bikini, your wispy voice giving me a headache, there is no point to your music video, your song Higher or you for that matter. So sad. :(

So basically this is a request for you to please stop making music, forever. I think it is time you found something more productive to do with your life. Maybe you should invest in some new hobbies like, finding your local library and picking up a book, going shopping for a shirt that covers up both of your titties or jumping off a bridge. Just a few suggestions…

Anyhoo…thanks for your time. I’m sure your attention span is short and you only caught the first two lines of this letter, but that’s okay, I’ll try and translate it for you…

Smooches,

Ms Puddin’

*Today is the big day, may the best wo/man win…;p

Monday, February 4, 2008

Ridiculously Good Looking

I’m lookin’ good these days. I’m turning heads, breaking necks and getting $1 bills tucked into my Oh Hell Nawl panties.

How do I know I that I am so ridiculously good looking?

Well, the other day at work this girl turned to me and said, “You look really pretty today. You used to be like kind of ugly, but lately you have been looking better.”

“I had some work done,” I said in response.

I’m sure somehow, in some twisted way, my coworker meant that as some sort of compliment??? Nine times out of ten, I don’t put in a whole lot of effort when getting ready in the morning. So it’s good to know on a day I took the time to shower, put on my face, smell good, brush my teeth and hair, somebody noticed. Sheeeit.

I’ll admit to coming to work lookin’ a little tore back, occasionally, but damn. She’s lucky I wasn’t suicidal, because she could have been the culprit for me going home and having a “Britney moment”. When I hear little comments like ^hers^, I tend to take it lightly. In my opinion, can’t please all the people all the time. I know if I really wanted to, I have the potential to look alright.

Besides, beauty is only skin deep, right? RIGHT!?? I know I’m throwing out a lot of clichĂ©s in this post, but honestly our society has a real misconception of beauty…

(Is she really applying make up to a skeleton??? Get that b*tch a chicken wing stat!!! Make it spicy!!!)

Anyway, I had a request for a pic of me “without my face all scrunched up”. Since I’m really, really good looking these days, I thought I’d go ahead and throw up a decent Puddin’ flick. I’ll let my readers be the judge of my so-called “beauty”.

For the record, the best compliment I have ever received was, “you’re pretty, but your personality makes you even more beautiful”.

Tell me , what is the best compliment you’ve ever received???