Happy Holidays Bitches!!!

Where's Puddin'???





Oh, there I am. I'm trying not to be a Scrooge this year and yes, the alcohol is helping. I can proudly say I puked in my hair last Saturday. Just keepin' it classy.

I wanted to post up some quick holiday love before being trapped for five days with the family. Hope you're all either getting boinked under the mistle toe or takin' shots with Santa. Maybe even both or felt up by an elf with a wreath wrapped around your ankles. Kinky. Anyway...

Peace ~ Love & A Round of Drinks on Me!!

MsP

Plan B (not the pill)

Since the economy is down I thought it would be a good idea to revise my resume. So it’s a good thing that I have this blog full of so many things I’m good at to base my experience on…

Ms. Fresh Banana Puddin’

1000 Not Quite Sure Where I Am Avenue
You Are Here, CA 86411
1-800-FCUKOFF
mspuddin@gmail.com

OBJECTIVE
Looking for a job where no one cares about my punctual nature and sobriety.

EDUCATION
USSI - U Seem Smart Institute for becoming extra Smarter, You Are Here, CA
A Bull Shit degree in Learning
Minor in Stuff

EXPERIENCE
- Stripping
- Dancing on bars
- Drunk driving
- Any back alley
- Cheap date
- Plan B savvy
- Passing out Drunk (on doorsteps, front lawns, the back seat of your car, etc.)
- Knows someone who knows the personal assistant of the girl who was in that one movie, yeah her sister.

VOLUNTEER WORK
- N / A (I don’t do kittens, babies or old people)

AWARDS
- In The Hole Award (Puking on target)
- Nacho Champ Eater
- Falling face first an impressive amount of times

THINGS I’M GOOD AT
- Hopping fences
- Other people’s credit cards
- Getting free drinks
- Trespassing
- Losing panties
- Drunk texting / dialing / stopping by unannounced
- Getting by on a cup of noodles (Food Max, 24-pack for $3, btw)
- Dancing good while inebriated
- Holding my pee
- Creatively popping a squat
- Starting fights with bitches I don’t know…or my ex
- Decent at blowjobs, but infrequent
- Stuffing bra
- Giving number, email / address out to anyone who asks for it
- Setting things on fire

PERSONAL ATTRIBUTES
- Habitual Thrower
- Insecure
- Clumsy
- Desperate
- Fucking Crazy
- Easy
GOALS / ASPIRATIONS- Keeping a man- Rehab

EMPLOYMENT
42nd and Taylor 11 / 5 – current
You Are Here, CA
Corner Worker – I work hard

Burger King bathroom 4 / 08 – 11 / 1
You Are There, CA
Nothing really – sobered up and ate French fries


REFERENCES
911 – please ask for anyone who moves fast and has really good MEDs.

*A special thanks to my PA for helping me put this resume together on such short notice.

Quote of the Day

"My theory is that the real Michael Jackson died when his hair caught on fire while shooting that Pepsi commercial."

Who The Fuck Hired MsP?

What's up with my lack of blogging and random letters to the White House about my vagina?

Well, see what had happened was...I GOT A JOB BITCHES! Boo-yeah! And no, it's not on 46th and Taylor, at Busty's, Hooters or even Mr. T's Lounge. It's in a real office, with real people, who are really friendly and there's free coffee and stuff.

I now officially work for iTunes, through Apple, and I think I died and went to nerd heaven. Not exactly where I was expecting to go, but I'll take it!

I miss going to your blogs, but I actually have work to do that's not MySpace related. *gasp* So don't hate me. And if you are angry, I prefer to be spanked, thanks.

MsP

An Open Letter To George W. Bush

Dear George W. Bush,

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Sincerely,

Ms Fresh Banana Puddin’

MISSING VAGINA

Dear readers,

My vagina has recently packed up and bounced out. So if you see her on I-90 with a suitcase full of lube, condoms and birth control, can you please call me at 1-800-GET-LAID?

Thanks,

MsP

This Queen Is A Drag

I think I gave the blogworld some great head this past week (or two) didn't I? Or maybe it was more like a nice swift kick in the balls or a punch in the vagina? Huh. I'm not really sure, either way I should get a nice big metal for officially sucking at a blogging.

One thing I have been keeping up with is the gym. Yes, not only did I join, but I've actually been showing up. My motivation is the local cheer team that seems to practice their routines every time I hop on the treadmill. Stupid skinny-perky-24/7-bitches who like babies. Grrr.

I got to be honest here. I miss the ex. It's been cold turkey since I went all Kelis on his ass and I'm having a hard time adjusting. Sooooo, I've been telling my friends every time they go out now, they have to get me at least two numbers. If you read this blog you too now have to get me numbers of hot guys who have jobs and can read good. Thanks.

MsP

Picture of the Week

I woke up this morning (afternoon) to find the usual emails in my box (hee hee), several Viagra and penis enhancement inquiries, (I HAVE A VAGINA!), a letter from some guy in India asking for a donation of $5 million and singlesnet.com’s weekly newsletter.

I did, however, also come across a new stalker! Yay, more free Starbucks! Apparently new reader, Mr. V, read my old post about the rocker contest and wished he could have gotten in on the competition. Here’s his submission…

Pretty impressive. Welcome to the family...

MsP