Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Art of Stalking

The difference between a female and a male stalker is this: A female stalker will call you repeatedly, hanging up as soon as you answer. If, and only if, you tick her off she will speak, cussing you out, but then hanging up before you get a word in edgewise.

A male stalker will stay on the phone long enough to breath into the phone so much that your ear may become moist. He might even dry heave a few words at you like, “What are you doing?” or “Do I make you horny baby?”

I can appreciate a good stalker every now and again.

Sometimes they come in handy when I forget the password to my MySpace page or can’t remember which gas station was the cheapest. Not only do my personal stalkers bring me the paper and Starbucks, but also I can occasionally get some lurkers to comment over here every now and again. Thanks guys. :)

Don’t feel bad if you fit into any of the categories above, for I am a certified grade A stalker myself. I’ve master sliding into my camel-toe-tight-cat-suit and then lurking beneath my ex’s window in the bushes. Waiting to see what he is up to or watching his cable for free in through the window.

Ok let me rephrase that, it’s not so much a cat suit as me naked and not so much me hiding in the bushes, but more so me drunk, inconspicuously (eagle spread) passed out on his front lawn.

Ok so maybe I lied and I’m not the best stalker. So what, I’m a liar and a really good trespasser. Whatever.

Anyway, the last few nights I’ve been receiving an anonymous phone call. Last night anon caller called me 27 times! At 2 a.m.! All of which I answered once, where he proceeded to breath inauspiciously into the phone and then say in a low voice, “I just want three minutes of your time.”

I was really struggling to imagine what kind of low life f*ck would keep pestering me. Was it the hottie I gave my number to last weekend at the bar, through my blurred vision?

Aw, crap-on-a-condom. It probably was. Well, there are better ways to ask a girl out on a date. I just hope I don’t end up a victim like in some made-for-TV horror movie…

I know I haven’t posted or whored around on other blogs in almost a week, but can I distract you with the fact that *gasp* Britney Spederline looks almost normal!!!!!!!!!????????


Anonymous said...

Uhm.. it's about damn time she gets her hair did right

kayellejaye said...

Did u cuss him out? Cuz I damn sure would've.

Eb the Celeb said...

why are we comparing stalkers

lmao @ "crap-on-a-condom"

G-Sweet said...

hahahaha!... *thinking* who has time to call so me1 that many times that early in the morning... im too lazy to stalk i guess!

c.watson said...

3 minutes? Way to sell yourself there buddy. What does he think you are going to say? "Only three minutes? Sure do what you want I need to let my nail polish dry anyways."

Tiff said...


My freshman year of college the kid that was the Latin tutor showed up everywhere I was and even went as far as to break into my room and leave a Latin love poem on my desk. He is/was a nasty pup.

i.can't.complain. said...

is that a recent pic of britney?


i almost want her number.

way 2 bounce back, girl


Stew said...

never had a stalker, and never liked anyone enough to stalk them. that has got to be a special feeling. knowing that someone is spending ALL of their time obsessing over you.

glad you know your flaws though, and way to own up to them.

Mista Jaycee said...

Drunk and Nekked! Did you bring food?
Be good

Cunning_Linguist said...

I'd stalk you but I'm so tight for time these days. I can only pencil you in for say.... 15 minutes next thursday and that's only if something else doesn't come up. I know, pathetic right? Evidently my stalking skills and schedule need some tightening up as well.

Speaking of tight.... ala Britney.... I bet she's far from it. BAH-DUM-Bump! Thank you....thank you.

ms.uncensored said...

lmao @ camel-toe-tight-cat-suit.

i dislike stalkers. i've had quite a few of them in my day.