Wednesday, September 17, 2008

An Open Letter to White People Who Get Drunk and Think They Can Dance Good

Dear white people who get drunk and think they can dance good,



First of all, let me start by saying I feel your pain because I’m half white. My mom has the ability to bop her head, clap her hands, stomp her feet all on a different beat and still manage to be off beat. (Although in her defense she doesn’t drink and it takes a lot of coaxing to get her out on the dance floor). However, my mom’s nonexistent rhythm seems to be a trend among white people and I must put a stop to it.

I guess what I am trying to say is that white people shouldn’t dance. Ever. Just don’t do it. I’ll give you a get-on-on-the-dance-floor-for-free-card for weddings and Bar/Ba Mitzvahs, but the club is OFF LIMITS! Not only do I have to watch that shit, but it looks painful. Your clumsy drunk body being pulled in different directions all at the same time is really confusing and weird.

The slogan, “BEER: Helping white people dance since 1942,” is wrong. What it should read is, “BEER: Helping white people get drunk enough so that they feel the need to get on the dance floor and flop around uncontrollably like a fish with Tourette syndrome.”

The hopping up and down thing or jogging arms, kind of saves you white people, but not really. The thing is that you might wake up in the morning and not remember shit about being on the dance floor, but I do white people. I do. So please, for the love of the downbeat, please get drunk and mingle instead of trying to “cut a rug.”

Thanks.

MsP

17 comments:

G-Sweet said...

Elaine was gettin it on the dance floor... hahaha...

I once heard the white people dance to the rhythm of the "next" or "the next few" songs... lol... could be, i dunno!

Ms. Jones said...

great public service announcement...I have seen many white people in my day try to drop it like its hot and its soooo not the business LOL

Mista Jaycee said...

Hahahahahahaha! But Seriously, some can dance. But if they can't I'll teach them to fake it with the all powerful head bop, neck gyration. My wife didn't know I couldn't dance for a long time, months, hell, I think Years, until we were at a small wedding on the dance floor and she looked at my feet and realized they were not moving. LOL
Jaycee

Narm said...

Here's the thing - white guys hate dancing - but they LOVE getting laid. And, unfortunately, all the girls are the dance floor. It is a necessary evil!

Stew said...

they can rave pretty well though, waving the glow sticks around and stuff. but they only do that when they are on ecstasy.

maybe white folk should just take ecstasy all of the time

Maxie said...

hey-- it's good entertainment!

Cunning_Linguist said...

Explain John Travolta then.

Yeah, what Narm said. If you just told us NOT dancing would help in getting us laid.... well then. I'm all up for that plan. Sign my no dancin' can't jump ass up.

Hex said...

The travolta mention brings up the even scarier inverse of this -- which is be really wary of white people who dance *too good*

Xenu, people. Xenu.

But I'm totally with you. When girls in the club try to get me to dance with them, I start to do lines from the Incredible Hulk

"Please don't make me dance. You wouldn't like me when I'm dancing."

Bella said...

Fine, I hear ya'.

You'll be happy to know that I took my son out of hip-hop class after a year of torture.

He just didn't get it.

=)

The Black Russian said...

this is to funny I am biracial myself mom's white to... actually my white granny can dance pretty well...lol i on the other hand can get my Elaine on (okay i am being dramatic but still lol)... I was at the Stevie wonder concert for my birthday(his song very superstitious is playing in the background)these white people were dancing in the isles and in the middle of the floor they were beyond off beat i mean another planet off beat...lol... One more I was at a dance in college and a white couple was dancing to biggie's warning fast/slow dancing combo it was a hott mess.....

John Barleycorn said...

Gay men can dance, it's just embarrassing to behold.

Mr. Poopie said...

Ah yes, to be brown!

Qucifer said...

Elaine dance always makes me soooo happy.... cause it ain't my ass!

Meanwhile White boy du jour can sit there while I give him a reggeaton/salsa hybrid lap dance.... he just DON'T have to follow along

c.watson said...

Hey! As a pasty white person I resemble that remark. But I rarely dance so I don't torture too many people.

YoungBlackBeauty said...

HAHA!

LBluca77 said...

I dance really good when I am drunk. I also sing really good when the music is blasting in the car.

FlyyGurl said...

lmao!!! I've like, emailed this post to every white person i kno from a mysterious email adress! lol