Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Silence Is My Aphrodisiac

Well I’m still doing this bartending thing until I can find a decent “grown up people’s” job. Like I, of all people, need to be any closer to alcohol or other people drinking alcohol. However, booze and money in the same spot is right up there with getting some head in heaven. And just for saying that I am probably going to take it up the ass in hell. :-(

Anyway, I was relocated through my company to a different restaurant. Nothing I did, just something to do with some remodeling. It’s the same business, but in a more snooty area and a little more fast paced. Basically this means I have to put up with more shit, but I’ll be making better money. So I guess it evens out.

Although, can I just say that if one more creepy old guy sits at my bar, I’m going to stab him in the balls with my wine key. And that might hurt a bit.

I’m serious. You over there, with the seven and seven, don’t think I can’t see you looking down my shirt as I bend over into the well. And you over there workin’ on your fifth pint, mentioning that oysters are your aphrodisiac before ordering half a dozen is unnecessary.

What do I recommend, you ask? I recommend that you quit staring at my ass, close out your tab and go home to your wife and kids!

Oh and this is for the rest of you know-it-alls, who sit at the bar with the only intention of trying to make a mockery of me. Do I look like I care that you know more about the wines here than I do, because I don’t.

At the end of the day, grape texture serves of no purpose to me but a big chunk of useless information. It reminds me of learning Pi (3.14) in high school. When have I used Pi? Never. Not once has it come in handy. Not at the grocery store, the gas station, during sex, in the shower, not even while surfing the internet has Pi come up as a solution.

I hate to be a bitch, but order a drink and shut the fuck up.

Can anyone pull any strings, because I WANT TO WORK FOR DIDDY!

Not really.


Cunning_Linguist said...

heh.... the crap bartenders have to put up with. Just remember if somebody wants to come over to your side of the bar, grab the bottle behind you and by all means help them over.

btw.... see you in hell. ;)

Mista Jaycee said...

Hey Puddin,
I nominated you for the Brillante Weblog award

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

Without Pi we would not be able to formulate equations on circles. Without equations on circles we would not be able to to formulate equations on other shapes such as ellipses, spheres, cones, and tori. Without accurate sphere and cone formulae we will not be able to have created Satellite dishes. Without low frequency satellite dishes there would never have been any terrestrial TV and FM radio. Without terrestrial TV there would have never been the advancement towards cable TV. Without cable TV you would have never known that Diddy needed new interns. Appreciate Pi.

Afrodite said...

Man, I thought I was the only one that wanted to work for Diddy. And hey, don't be in to much of a ruch to get a "grown-up" job. Corporate life sucks.

Bella said...

I feel for you, but, hey, it's not permanent! My birth mom used to work in Carmel bartending at a snooty restaurant. The tips paid well, but the old stuffy people sucked.

Hang in there!

Stew said...

i still want to be a bartender. i think it would be fun. plus i want to learn more about liquor.

what you should do is....everytime someone offers you a piece of information that you do not care about, give them a piece of information that they probably will not care about. that way it will equal out.

as far as the creepy old guys. not much you can do about that. just try to appreciate the attention.

if u can

MsPuddin said...

cunning l- ok see ya, we’ll have cocktails…

mista j- oh why thank you. where can I see the damage?

mentalthreesixty- gheezus fucking christ man, don’t ever sit at my bar, but welcome to the blogspot. And for the record I don’t watch TV.

afro- yeah that’s what I keep hearing, but I’m sure the money is better and I won’t put up with as much shit…

bella- yeah, I’m sure that it could be worse, but thanks.

stew- I wanted to be a bartender too, I worked my way up. And now I want out! Agh! The best way to learn about liquor is to drink it…

c.watson said...

Every time some looks down your shirt you should hold out your hand and say "that will be another dollar, nothing is free."

Hey and start working somewhere where I can get free drinks, I work at a paper I'm broke.

Hex said...

The question heard at the place I hang out at all too often is when the bartender asks someone what they want and they say,

"Something good."

Maxie said...

Okay the people that want to work for diddy are RIDICULOUS. I can see that the big girl that was yelling the whole time is going to be like the omarosa of the show. Or maybe she got kicked off on the first episode-- I was too lazy to watch the whole thing.

Sabina said...

Oh, admit it: you wear low-cut shirts so you can get better tips. Don't front about how you don't want anyone to try and sneak a peek.

Mista Jaycee said...

Hey Puddin,
Button your blouse! Ya tease! Opps there go the tips! (Smile)

Demon Hunter said...

LOL. I have that picture saved from years ago and I still love it. LOL. :-) I know what you mean about creepy, old guys.

I have some changes myself, stop by my blog and see. ;-)

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

u should want to work for you self
u dont take ordwers well from what i read lol

Prunella Jones said...

How about the guys who use their lamest pick up lines while ordering a drink.

"Are you from Tennessee? Cause your the only ten I see. Heh heh."

Fuck working for anyone! I want to be an heiress.

Mister Underhill said...

So 34 is OLD now? Damn.

JL said...

I'm with Afrodite, corporate life sucks. I miss being in a bar.

Obesio said...

I am a total creep and I absolutely love looking down women's shirts. It is one of life's few true pleasures. I especially like to pretend that I am looking at their babies or dogs, while I smile like a kindly older uncle and try to get a good look at their bazookas. I will say, though, that improvements in bra technology has made this a lot less enjoyable in recent years. It used to be the case that quite often the bra would fall away from the gazonga and I would see a little bit of nipple. (I love nipples.) Now it seems like the newer bras form a better seal, protecting the nip from prying eyes. Bastids!

Slaus of O Hell Nawl said...

Psssh im looking at your ass right now. You aint gonna do shyt about it.

put down the ice pick darlin.

put down the ice piiiiiiiick!!!!

Slaus of O Hell Nawl said...

I hate when people feel the need to show their know it allness. You dont see ME bragging that I know how to tug my sac just right, so that when I shave it, I get no nix do you.

Or that if you pinch your sphincter just right, you could cut your asshole with a fart? no.. no I dont go around telling people that.

because it serves no purpose.

.... and if anyone of you are trying to do the fart n ass cut thing, I was making that up.. cut it out, before you shyt yourself.

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