Monday, August 25, 2008

Skinny Bitches Only Jog if They Can't Afford Surgery

I’ve decided that after thirty I’m not working out anymore. I’m just going to go and get all the fat sucked out of my body. I’m serious, I want Dr. Rey or somebody to take that big long metal knife and chop me up into little pieces.

Maybe also do some rearranging, like pull the fat from my thighs and put it into my ass. Then mold my gut into some kind of boobage/cleavage creation. That’s right. Get creative! Make me beautiful bitches! By the time I am thirty they will have discovered new ways to make me look like a ten-year-old on crack.

Until then I must eat right and exercise. I say this like I’m on a Jedi mission. Which is the only reason why when my so-called friend asked me to go jogging the other day I said, “yes”.

I don’t jog. Wait, let me rephrase that, I can’t fucking jog. It’s like the Special Olympics. I look like a four-year-old in the grocery store, when their mom just told them they couldn’t have something. You know and they do that run where their head turns into a bobble head and their arms flail around uncontrollably. And they whine, “but mom whyeeeeeeeeee!?”

Yeah that’s me, in spandex.

The last time I went jogging was at the gym and it’s been a few years. I remember huffing and puffing on a treadmill, when this chick like eight months pregnant hops on next to me. No really, not fat she was fucking skinny and pregnant.

After about 5 whole minutes of running I couldn’t take it anymore. My chest started to burn, I needed a hip replacement and I lost all feeling in my knees. And here this bitch was next to me just casually jogging for two.

So anyway, my friend and I ended up on this two-mile trail through the woods. All of which I probably only jogged a good fifteen minutes. The whole time I was thinking about what I was going to eat next. Three days later, my knees are still swollen and I don’t feel any skinnier.

I’m telling ya, I can’t wait until I’m thirty…

26 comments:

Deutlich said...

I need to drag my ass back into the gym for real.

Cunning_Linguist said...

Power walk, don't jog. It's a fact that you don't do anything but get there faster. Besides, you won't look like Full Metal Retard flailing your arms about all over the place and crying.

Now send me that pic of you in spandex. Thx.

c.watson said...

Don't be so quick to jump on thirty it's not that great. And jogging is for evil people. That pregnant woman's name was probably Rosemary and she was carrying, within her way to toned uterus, the anti-christ. You don't want to contribute to that, just slowly take off the running shoes and head back to the couch. Doesn't that feel better?

Canon said...

keep trying... you'll get used to it in no time... then you can laugh in the pregnant chick's face when you can finally say "ha, I outlasted YOU this time"

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

they look like stepford wives

oestrebunny said...

The gym is a bad bad evil place!

Slaus of O Hell Nawl said...

:: still staring at Kendra n holly ::

huh pudding? you say something, doll? hard to hear you over all that hot steamy white woman action up there... yaaah for bleach, photoshop, plastic surgery and low self esteem!!

Maxie said...

some people just aren't meant to run... points to self.

Bella said...

Try FORTY honey!

=(

Douchegirl said...

Yeah, I'm the same way. I had to look for a low impact alternative to jogging because my joints were KILLING ME. I'm only 20.

Mister Underhill said...

So you'd have like 2 sets of boobies? Cool.

yes said...

giiiirrrrl......

MsPuddin said...

d- fuck that. outdoors is so much better, but I feel you on the exercise part.

cl- yeah I was doing the ace ventura walk. i felt like an ass. me+spandex=not something i want to post on my blog

cw- i knew I should have thrown a sweat towel and tripped her...

canon- nope. i think im good, just going to have to accept that jogging isnt my thing.

torrance- right...

bunny- die! die! die! ok I feel better, glad you re on my side...

slaus- welcome to the plastics of america, who influence our youth...

maxie- can you point at me too, thanks...

bella- lol its the new 20!

douche girl- sex?

mister- i know, i cant go wrong...

yes- riiiight...

Hex said...

There's this annual race in my town, 9 mile thing through town that I did a couple of times when I was on a fitness kick. First year I trained like crazy to get up for it, ran it -- and did ok, considering how out of shape I was before I signed up for it.

The next time I did it, I ended up keeping pace for a while with this really cute blonde, and I thought I was making a connection with her, until it became clear that she had slowed down for a mile or so to get her strength back up, and when she started to speed back up to her normal pace I tried to look cool and keep up with her, which WASNT WORKING FOR CRAP, and I basically ended up gasping for breath on the side of the road while she bounded away in the other direction.

Not one of my prouder moments..

The Guv'ner said...

Damn girl, now you tell me. Now that I'm over 30 I've been riding my bike and walking in the vain hope this allows me to spend more hours in the day eating cake, when really I could just have someone suck that shit out of me? Damn it.

Suite B said...

I'm going to use all the money I get from the wedding to get some work done on my stomach and I'm not talking about that weak a$$ Lipo Dissolve ... I want the real thing. I want fat sucked out and ribs removed so by next summer I cna rock and skanky 2 piece swimsuit!

Narm said...

Jogging is overrated. Know what isn't overrated? Curves.

Food for thought.

Melody.Darlene said...

aaaaaaaahahahahah!! girl that is too funny!

Judy D. said...

this is a funny post... good writes

surviving myself said...

Don't worry, because you're hot, no one will ever make fun of you when you run. Just make sure you stay hot, otherwise, it's all over.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Thats a fantastic decision. I'm going to do the same thing. And I fucking hate jogging. lol.

(vixenchick) said...

lol at 'i needed a hip replacement'

Don said...

I agree with cunning linguist where he says power walk. It's pretty much what I see people doing nowadays anyways. They walk all fast and crazy looking while they maintain their shape.

I would have thought for sure that you jogged - nice shape.

Comatose Chris said...

"And here this bitch was next to me just casually jogging for two."
Great line.
I used to work in a gym full of those types of out-of-college-knocked-up gold diggers.
Just keep with it, your 15 minute run will grow to two hours or so and your knees won't feel arthritic.

Stew said...

i am sure i would feel bad too if i got outran by a pregnant chick.

YoungBlackBeauty said...

I hat jogging so I don't.