Tuesday, September 11, 2007

NFL Bound With Bad Car-ma

First of all,

(Yes, I said it).

Second of all, I love football. It is the only sport I understand. I know that when a team scores, it’s a touchdown. When the guys bend over in their tight spandex, there’s going to be some good action. Thanks to Just A Girl, I know a touchdown is six points, a field goal is three (one) point(s) and at the Super Bowl there used to be a great halftime show. (That was until Janet Jackson showed her nippleage).

The only problem is my favorite team sucks.

Hi, my name is Ms Puddin’ and I am a Raiders fan. (The first step is admitting you like a sucky team). If anyone follows this sport, they know that my team has sucked for a little over five years now. (Ok maybe longer). Instead of betting on whether or not the Raiders will make it to the Super Bowl, fans bet on whether or not they will actually win a game each season. I should rep my team with more pride, but it’s starting to hurt how much they suck. They're good at sucking. They suck like College Call Girl at a Player's Ball.

My boy, however, is a die-hard 49er’s fan and he had some extra tickets for the game last night. The game was close enough to home, so I said why not? A football game is a football game. What girl is going to pass up an opportunity of a night of beer, boys, boys in spandex and more beer? Not Ms Puddin’.

Although going to a 49er’s game when you’re a Raiders fan, is not smart. I should have known bad things were going to happen. I’m already accident-prone. It also didn’t help that I wore all black.

So we get to the stadium (after four hours of traffic) to meet up with my boy, who has been tailgating all day. He is already done, smashed, hammered, three sheets to the wind. On his way to hand us our tickets in the parking lot he starts puking. Mind you he has on all his 49er’s gear to the niner. I’m talking a 49er’s jersey, head shaved into a Mohawk, painted red and gold like an official 49er helmet. After puking he yells at us for being late, because the game is already into the first quarter.

We get into the stadium and after spending $71.75 on beer, we go find our seats. This fool ends up passing out for the whole second and third quarter of the game! (Great game by the way). By the fourth quarter, we decide to take his drunk ass home. The whole way to the car his drunk ass is like why are we leaving we’re missing the game. I’m like, “you slept through half of it!” Reluctant to leave, we end up leaving him at his truck and call some of his buddies (who are still at the game and have his keys) to remember to pick him up.

My girl and I head home. On the way out the parking lot, she notices that her gas light is on. We can’t find a gas station, so we decide to just stop off on the first exit. On the ramp heading home, her car runs out of gas. Now let me tell you I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, call road side assistance in the city again.

First my girl calls her AAA and they tell her she owes a payment before they can come out to help us. Then I call my AAA, who tell me the wait will be up to an hour to bring us some f*cking gas! So I call 911, because we are halfway almost in the middle of an on ramp onto the freeway. I figured at least someone can help give us a push into a safer spot. But oh no, the dispatcher lady has the nerve to have an attitude. She tries to tell me I’m in a whole other city than I’m in.

B*tch I am not retarded, I just ran out of gas! (Ok probably bad idea to say, “ran out of gas” and “not retarded” in the same sentence).

My girl ended up having to walk to the nearest Shell station to get gas. According to her she got into a fight with the gas station attendant, who wouldn’t help her figure out how to get the gas into the canister and she squirted gasoline in her face. When she finally got back to the car, the damn spicket they gave us at the gas station wouldn’t work, so we had to pour the gas into a water bottle and then into the car. (Well she did). By the time she got enough gasoline in the car to get us to a gas station, she was covered in gasoline and the car smelled like an atomic bomb.

Then covered in gasoline this b*tch trys to light a cigarette! I had to yell at her, "you are just as crazy as the dispatcher!" We finally made it home by 1 am. SH*T happens, but I think that experience was my punishment for going to a 49er’s game.

49er's 20. Cardinals 17. Ms Puddin' 0.

17 comments:

Just a Girl said...

actually a touchdown is 6 points, then they can kick an extra point if they are good enough to do so.
"match in the gas tank. boom-boom" is running through my head now thanks to your blog

MsPuddin said...

LOL your right! I knew that, really...thanks. Correction noted...

anonymousnupe said...

There wasn't a dude (Angel) named Earl who kept showin' up during this saga, was there?

Don said...

-- roflmao @ anonymousnupe

-- MsP, you have real skills. You had my mind racing for a minute there. I kinda hated the night had to end. Oh, are you sure that was a cigarette your girl was smoking? Fire and gas don't mix.

c j. said...

i thought i had already made a very good argument in favor of walking, not walking to get gas. however, what happened to chivalry on the west coast? two ladies in distress and no one offers to help?! isn't that only supposed to happen in nyc?

Don said...

I'm down with Dem Saints. So I have been there when you say your team sucks.

Cheer up tho, Raiders just signed JaMarcus Russell. Should help the team...some. Although the lost Sunday to Detroit was very, very bad.

The Cajun Boy said...

hey look, you signed my boy jemarcus today. it'll get better. stop crying. once you go jemarcus you never go back baby!

MsPuddin said...

anonymousnupe- man I feel bad, but that went over my head. Don seems to have got it…

don- LOL yeah I’m sure it was a cigarette. What skills are you talking about?

c.j.- oh don’t even get me started. 2 hrs! 2hrs we waited and NOBODY came. Wtf???

don- yeah everyone keeps telling me about this guy…

CB- where is the Jemarcus guy? If he is as good as everyone says he is, he better not go back!

Mister Underhill said...

Wow.

That's insane all around. That girl gonna get you killed, but it's scary as hell to think the dispatcher is so fucking crazy.

G-Sweet said...

Lolol... Damn this was funny... (sorry to laugh @ ur distress)... and u just earned hella cool points with me... I'm a fellow Raider fan...

Damn all that 4 a football game... I would say that's what u get 4 going to a niner game but that would be mea

UBERMOUTH said...

LOL Ms Pud- or maybe pay back for leaving your man to find his own way back. Bet he beat you home too. :)I love this blog.

MsPuddin said...

mister uderhill- she was so rude! I wanted to reach through the phone and poke her in the eye…

G- u would! Man the game was tight though. I can’t wait til the next “Battle of The Bay”

Ubermouth- LOL by the time we got to the gas station the boys had just gotten out of the traffic from the stadium parking lot…so much for leaving early

Mortarbored said...

Are you sure you didn't write this post by just narrating your audition reel for a sitcom?

Don said...

You have an inviting way with words. But you already knew that. I think you just wanted to hear me say it.

STILL_POCAHONTAZ said...

LMAO..that was some funny shyt. You are a FOOL mspuddin.

I must brag about my new found love for the Raiders since my son is now playing PoP Warner on the Raiders team

maddypappy1 said...

I'm late on the post, but I feel compelled to leave a comment.

Your team's matching up with my team this Sunday (the Browns). As a Browns fan, all I've known is futility. You don't know what it means to be a fan until you've been through a Cleveland fan's shoes.

At least you had a Super Bowl appearance a few years ago. How about Cleveland??? Never even been to a Super Bowl. The fans here in Cleveland are like poor unhealthy dogs who continually get beat by their owner. We know the browns are bad for our psyche and our health, but we keep coming back.

That being said, win or lose, this Sunday you will have someone who experiences your pain. Nut here's hoping for an Oakland loss!

By the way, that loss that you guys had yesterday really sucks. You had the win snatched from right under you. That's gotta hurt.

Also, love the blog. I'll be back to take a longer llok around

MsPuddin said...

mortarbored- I’m thinking a cross between Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Will and Grace

don- oh thank you.

still_pocahontaz- oh those Raiders. And ppl wonder why Raiders fans are so violent lol

maddypappy1- Better late than never, welcome! Yeah I was watching that game @ work, not happy about that one. Watching a Raiders game is like having sex, I’m about to cum and then he finishes and I’m assed out…