Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The village called, they want their handicap sticker back...

Either the guys I date are getting dumber or…you know what, I’m not even going to finish that sentence.

A friend of mine keeps telling me that I have to kiss a lot of frogs before I find my prince. But gheezus, I’ve kissed the entire pond, licked a lily pad (ok that sounds just wrong), accidentally made out with a crawdad and wrestled an alligator. My lips are slimy, I’m wet, cold, tired, possibly infected and I just want to go home to my honey already.

Humphffffff. * Proceeds to push out bottom lip and pout *

So I met this guy during Thanksgiving weekend. He is my best friend’s, boyfriend’s childhood friend (if that makes any sense). We met and hit it off that night enjoying each other’s company. I gave him my number, but later discovered that he lived two hours away. He recently moved closer to home, but still not close enough for us to actually go out on a date. So we basically pillow talk and that’s about it.

Here is the 411 on this guy: He’s ridiculously good-looking, (half black, half Sicilian) tall, nice, fun to hang out with (we’ve actually only hung out twice). Here is the catch: He recently broke it off with his fiancé, leaving her and their house, moved back in with his parents to “get back on his feet” (which is the reason he moved closer to me). He also around the same time got a DUI and has no cell phone. Did I mention he’s a nice guy? I know, I know a sh*t load of red flags went up a long time ago, but I think I was bent over kissing a frog when they started flashing.

Anyway, one can only imagine my surprise yesterday when he called me to tell me his car, which he isn’t even supposed to be driving, got towed and he needs $230 to get it back. Um, let me rephrase that, he was wondering if I had $230 to “loan” him so he could get his car back. I’m sorry, the last time we kicked it did I have ATM stamped on my forehead? No, I didn’t.

WTF??? Why did he ask me? Things would be different if he was my man. Things might have even been different if we had, oh I don’t know, at some point in time broke bread together.

Oh and that’s not even the best part. Does anyone want to know why his car got towed? This fool went and parked in a handicap spot. *pause for dramatic affect* He made it way too easy for me to make a remedial joke on his behalf. I think he might just need one of those handicap stickers to put on his car.

Please tell me it gets better. Somebody. Anybody? See why I was contemplating lesbianism? Nupe you might just get your wish sooner than expected…

35 comments:

anonymousnupe said...

Scratching head...and searching for ribbed finger condoms....

12kyle said...

I know that I shouldn't laugh...but I did!!! Damn! He might be a nice guy but he seems to have some bad luck around him. No sense in letting him bring that luck around you! LMAO. You may want to politely tell him to kick rocks.

Lesbianism?? Say it aint sooooooooo.

Deutlich said...

Holy SHIT that dude is a fuckin' idiot.

I mean. Damn.

catscratch diva said...

Yah, he's a winner. For me to shell out any $$ it would have had to been a screamin orgasm, not just bread breakin, mama.

Jocular Schlemiel said...

That dude definitely sets the standard.

karrie b. said...

oh noooooooooooooooooooooo.

where do they come from?!? you get to thinkin that dude can do NO wrong and he's in your ear about payin his phone bill or some other craziness. by 30, if we're not both married, we can be eachother's lesbo lovers. deal?

-karrie b.

Ms.Lady said...

O NO THE HELL HE DIDNT!!!

First off..did you find out WHY he and his fiance are no longer??

MAYBE...JUST MAYBE...

Its because he irresponsible as HELL!!

Uh Uh P' let that n*gga go!!!

He got too much ish goin' on.

MsPuddin said...

nupe- get out, get out! lol

12k- I laughed too, but damn, I got my own bad luck I definitely don’t need his!

deutlich- ditto

cats- I feel it, make me scream and you might get your car back..

joc- he’s making you look bad, go kick his ass!

karrie b- DEAL! But I like tobe on top, don’t tell slaus…

ms. lady- yeah I’m done, I fold, it’s a wrap. Time to go fishing…

Suite B said...

He sounds real SPECIAL...he won't be able to get his car out anyway if his license isn't valid so by the times he gets everything right I'm sure the bill will be worth more than the car.

James Tubman said...

you know how to drive a metaphor home

i mean the frog metaphor

you really worked that one lol

guys like that who know they have what women wnat will sometimes think that she is so desperate that she'll do what he asked

don't sleep ont the toads though

you might pass up a potential prince

Demon Hunter said...

It gets soooo much better, Ms. P. You'll find your prince.

I found mine a few years ago and he's wonderful. Stop looking so hard, and that's when he'll come to you. :*)

eclectik said...

Shiiddddd girl
That's why I'll never date a man
I've been a Lesbian forever :)

THIS guy though is that brand new type...of the herb variety.

Maybe your girls meant East coast toads to kiss?

Smootches

Witcho Bananer ass

e.

KIKI said...

Shiiiid...sound like most of deese fools here in cleveland...which is why I started contemplating lesbianism long long looooong time ago...

...but something bout that d*ck be callin me...

damn men & their d*cks...make me sick...

MsPuddin said...

sb- he called to tell me that the place was so ghetto they didn’t even really check up on him and he got his car out.

james- yeah I feel you. That’s what I’m a do, I’m a get me a big fat toad!

demon- I know right. Man I swear I don’t even be lookin, these fools find me and then I’m stuck because I really am way to nice to tell somebody to F*CK off!

e- I’m so confused by your comment. I should be a toad kissing lesbian, what???

kiki- crackin’ up because all I can picture is a giant d*ck calling “kiki, kiki, over here kiki!”

So@24 said...

Crawdads are motherfuckers. Never satisfied. I bet he tried to feel up your nannybits too eh?

Skoolboi Krush said...

Even with the recent breakup, living at home, car-less, and no cell phone, the biggest red flag is this fool asked you for money. He's not paying rent, car note or cell phone bill and he doesn't have cash? WTH!

Bella said...

Um, did you say NO cell phone? WTF?

A disgrace to the rest of us Sicilians...

You need a new sport!

Bella

Canon Adonis said...

shame... homie is a big loser... shame... if it was me, I'd have come a lot smoother than that and you might have even split the bill with me... but everybody isn't the Adonis, I guess... Loser

NYCPonderings Chick said...

omg that guy is a loser...you cant ask for a loan unless you are married..i.e. prego

Solitaire said...

Your post sounds funny even though your frustration is real. Maybe you are looking the wrong pond.

maverick said...

But gheezus, I’ve kissed the entire pond

gues u need to discover newer and bigger ponds which can accomodate different types of frogs :D

Brad said...

This is funny to me. This stuff just doesn't happen to dudes who got they stuff together. I don't know "when" you told him to kick rocks.....but I'm sure you did. Damn the nice got mess. Nice and stupid still live in the same body. Apparently.

Mister Underhill said...

You dodged a bullet not getting mixed up with this clown.

Muze said...

wow. i'm with skoolboi...why does his ass not have any money?? did he leave his JOB when he moved? or did he never have one?

...and wonder why his butt lost a fiance.

wow msP. if things don't work out with bf, i've already told him i'm getting a girlfriend. lol. less drama.

and more hair products to share. LOL.

Don said...

He probably was testing you. Trying to see if you would give him the money, so he could always come back and ask you for money. That could be the deal. He was bold to ask for that much, so soon. lol.

Prunella Jones said...

I might swap body fluids with a guy but I damn sure won't loan him money! Hope your luck gets better.

MsPuddin said...

so@24- YES! He did, perverted crawdads are the worse…

skoolboi- that’s what I’m sayin! He’s at work everyday. He told me his bank account was pending, but he should have more than $200…

bella- yes NO CELL PHONE! I’ve been calling his parents house like I’m in high school…

canon- exactly, depend on how you come at me if I’m a lend you money…L

nyc chick- preggo = benefits

solitare- I’ma quit looking. Period.

maverick- accommodate different frogs lol you mean like dumb asses?

brad- oh know I’m laughing, but wow. I wish people would stop telling me to date nice guys, because this is what happens. And then I’m too nice to tell them to f*ck off…!

mister u- yeah I guess it was better to deal with this early on…

muze- I don’t know! He goes to work everyday! He doesn’t have a phone bill or pay rent! * sigh * beats me…well let me know, I’ll take you to dinner j/p lol

don- yeah after I thought about it I was like I think this fool was just testing me, to see what I would say. Why do guys do that? Are there not enough trustworthy females out there? Damn.

MsPuddin said...

prune juice- hmmm…maybe I should start having sex FOR money…

Afrodite said...

Lmao @ wrestling with an alligator.

Yeah, believe it or not I've given thought to lesbianism but I won't go to the dark side, I love men too much.

Oh and that dud right there...is triflin'!

Slausin-Ass Slaus said...

Just when I think you can't tell us anything new and ignant Puddin, you bring this shyt out...
wow.

sounds like Felicia the crackhead from the movie friday n shyt.

like he just roll up to you like... I need to borrow yo VCR right quick.

Who the fugg does that..

and who has a VCR still?

I forgot what we were talking about.. hopefully it had something to do with GOGA.

: amuses self and tosses cocktail olives into various cleavages : or is it Cleavi? whatever.

Monie said...

How did it take me so long to find your blog???? This shit is the greatest! *linking now*

G-Sweet said...

[Side bar] to MUZE's comment...

Shiiiiiiiit... u got the game twisted like a carnival pretzel if u think u gon' have less drama... I got plenty experience with women and u think ya know but u have no idea.... hahahahaha...

But I enjoyed the thought tho'...
-----------------

PUDDIN... what do I always say... lol...

u shure know how to pick em'... sounds like a situation that u should leave alone... *thinkin* when was he gon' "give it back"

Qucifer said...

Sweet Jeebus...after all of that fucky ass life story He had the AUDACITY of hitting you up for money???


No Ma'am... I'd fuck him silly twice then tell him I'm seeing someone else

Don said...

@ msP: I haven't met many who are.

c j. said...

revelations 16:13 "Then I saw three evil spirits that looked like frogs; they came out of the mouth of the dragon, out of the mouth of the beast and out of the mouth of the false prophet. They are spirits of demons performing miraculous signs, and they go out to the kings of the whole world, to gather them for the battle on the great day of God Almighty." i tell you girl, it's a frog-only zone over here, too. the end of the world must be closer than it appears.