Monday, January 21, 2008

Chain of Fools

My life is too complicated right now, so I’m going to switch things up and talk sh*t about other people. Yay! I know, I'm excited too.

Was it DL Hughley on the Kings of Comedy who said, “there is always that one person at your job you are this close to slapping the sh*t out of? And if you can’t think of anyone, that person just might be you?” Well I don’t remember his words exactly, but my point is, there are definitely those people at my job.

I don’t necessarily want to slap them. It’s more of wanting to stick my foot out when they walk by, so I can enjoy watching them eat sh*t. (Is that mean?) I can’t even think of just one person I would do like that. There are like four or five of these mufuckas lurking around my workspace…

*First of all there is this dude who is fabulously in touch with his homosexuality. Comes to work with product in his hair, eyeliner lined just right and flaps his hands around way too much when he talks. The thing I can’t quite figure out is how his breath can be so funky? It is a funk that comes from deep within and boy is it kickin’. His breath would, no question, Ty-kwon-do that ass in a fight.

I’m just curious, how do you have time to put product in your hair, but not brush your teeth? I’m not playing when I say I can’t breathe when this fool talks. One time when he spoke to me, I accidentally breathed in and I swear I farted.

*Next there is the new guy. I kind of feel sorry for him, because no one really takes the time to show him the ropes. And someone needs to, because goddamn he is irritating. I will be in the middle of a conversation with somebody and here he come with some random ass, dumb ass question, like, “do you spell Fat Tire, P-H-A-T?” Looking at me throughout the entire question with a serious and innocent expression on his face. I’m like man it’s a beer not a woman! Focus. Fat Tire, I’m sure, is made by some ol country ass people who don’t know nothing about no PHAT.

*Now, I’m going to go ahead and categorize the next two people in the same group. The two that come to work every single day with an attitude, never want to do sh*t, complain about everything and then always want to be the first ones to go home. Stomping around saying sh*t in a whiny ass voice like, “Omigod, I can’t believe I have a customer! I only made three dollars tonight, I was going to go home an now they want to seat me!”

I’m sorry, why don’t you Debbie Downer take Negative Nancy home with you, where you two can sit on the couch and complain to each other that the remote is too far away? Don’t come into work with your clouded black aura blowing smoke in my direction. I might not want to be here either, but nobody will ever hear me at work crying like a little b*tch. Sh*t be happy you on the clock.

*Then there is Ruby. (I’m going to go ahead and bust her all out). Ruby isn’t one of the people I want to trip, but this girl is high ALL THE TIME. I just don’t get how a person can come to work that high? When I’m stoned, I like to sit on my couch, eat and probably laugh at some stupid sh*t. I would never get any work done. Although I wouldn’t even call what Ruby does, work. She kind of just floats around the building everyday. Always telling me band camp stories that are like 20 minutes long.

One time she was telling me this story and I kind of tuned her out, like I usually do. I guess she got to the end of her story, because she starts cracking up. “Get it? Get it?” she said. “No I’m sorry,” I said. I wasn’t really paying attention.” So she starts over, trying to tell me again and I cut her off like, “No, really it’s ok, I’m sure I had to be there.”

24 comments:

maverick said...

hmm...well there are so many such weirdoes that i have encountered..n damn they do piss me off at times..but now i ve mastered the art of the fake smile n the fake attentive nod..i just switch my mind off at these moments ..lol

Deutlich said...

LOL @ all of that, fer real. i've been working for 13 years and at every freakin' job there's been someone whom I wanted to sucker punch in the ovaries or the balls.

Fuckin eh.

Still_Pocahontaz said...

that was a cool post. Have you seen the movie Waiting, that just reminded me of it....too funny

NYCPonderings Chick said...

damn those are some long band camp stories...and I almost died laughing at the P H A T boy...you should have turned to him and told him it is really spelled "E A T M E "

Caesar Cannon said...

I've never felt that way about a co worker. I'm a total asshole, though, so I'm sure they thought that way about me.

However there are a hell of a lot of people I feel this way about that I just know from wherever.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

What do you do for a living that you have a constellation of douche bags?

onthevirg said...

I was going to respond to this post, then I caught your new banner pic and all that I could think of was..."Tit-Tays!! Yay!"

oestrebunny said...

HaHa! I feel your pain...
Love the new banner by the way!

Krissyface said...

I once worked with a woman who was so bitter and angry that she brought in a jar of candies and put them in her cube, like on the outskirts near the entrance of the workspace. Like to taunt and tantalize people. And she would yell at them whenever they came asking for candy. I miss that crazy bitch.

UBERMOUTH said...

Do you work at the tax rebate office?

Slaus of O Hell Nawl said...

ok if someone actually thinks you can spell any semblance of Fat with a P H, there is a problem with this damn country.

Let someone ever ask me if they can spell funky: Phonky. Ima slap them.

repeatedly.

My immediate team here at the 'dub is the shyt. I either like everybodu, or i want to see them naked... soaked in oil... and pink leashes and collars... yeah.... its a great place

Qucifer said...

Aahahhaahah your Ruby its my Drunky!!!


Im mad that you came up with a goddamn Negative Nancy to pair up with Debbie Downer

marky said...

Fat Tire, yeah. Red Tail, Lagunitas, we got lots of em. Just drop a hint or email me the name of the place you work. I wanna come in and see this funny shit. I think the gay has cum breath.

Bella said...

I can't stand a few of the people that I have the pleasure of spending my days with that talk nonstop about anything and everything. You can walk away and they are still running their mouths. Makes me want to yell at them to shut the F* up!

Bella

c.watson said...

You forgot the "it's not my fault" person, no matter what happens they are the first to point out that they didn't do it. Sure nobady was pointing fingers but thats not the point they want you to know that it wasn't their doing. Little shits.

MsPuddin said...

maverick- I think I just mastered the sideways, “wtf is wrong with you?” glance…

deutilich- ha ha sucker punch in the vagina! Hell yeah lol

still_p- Yeah I’ve seen it, we don’t do that kind of sh*t to customers @ my job, but that’s why I don’t be messin’ with the people makin’ my food.

nyc chick- lol I’m already kind of a b*tch to him. It’s so easy to just be mean to the new people, who always end up being the best ones in the end, go figure…

caesar- ahhh so your that person lol

bugs butt- serving job, explains a lot huh

onthevirg- focus man focus…please notice how my hands help to give that extra perky boost…

oestre- thanks! Slaus made it!

krissy- welcome!! Yeah I think I need to get one of my managers laid to get him off of my back…there always is that one crazy bitch at work…

uber- lol damn is it worse than my job?

slaus- eww when I applied your oils and fantasies to the people who work at my job I think I threw up a little…

q- why you always drunk on the job or what? Negative Nancy, Sour Sally, I can go on for days, I hate people like that…

marky- that just might be it. And trust me, it’s only funny bcuz I make it funny. Actually dealing with this sh*t on a daily basis is a headache…

bella- yeah I feel ya, I just keep nodding and say a quick, “I need to go check on my tables”

c. watson- oh yeah and the thing I hate the most about those people is I would never rat someone out, but then I’m always the first name to come out of someone’s mouth.

sequined said...

My work isn't that bad, luckily. Possibly because they all speak a different language than I do and I choose to ignore them.

But I always loved the "I am older than you are so I am the authority on everything" people. I worked at one of my (admittedly easy) jobs for five years through high school, and a woman came in and acted like she was my superior. I'd been working there three full years longer than she had. Get over yourself, bitch.

country roads said...

baha! Well, thankfully, I can rest assured that I'm not that guy because I can think of at least 5 people here :-)

G-Sweet said...

lmao @ "One time when he spoke to me, I accidentally breathed in and I swear I farted."... u hella stupid!... LMFAO!


STILL P... that movie is helllla funny!

MsPuddin said...

sequined- lol yeah we have managers that come in changing sh*t. I’m like you need to write that sh*t down if you want to come in and all of a sudden make some changes…

country roads- ya feel me. Thank god you re not that person either…

G- I did, and it was funky…

Diva said...

You make me soooo happy that I work in a tiny little office with one other person. We sit and try to figure out who to bitch slap when we get the opportunity.

We will be going to hell in a handbasket I'm sure.

Samantha_K said...

You know what I would like to happen one day at work? I would like for my co-worker to be in a bad mood. I would then like to hear someone say to that co-worker, "Who pissed in your cheerios?"

Then I would like to giggle.

Because it was me.

lea78 said...

u must have missed my post about Sis Usherboard at my job. I hate her and those damn white pumps that she throws on with everything. And those coffee stockings Lord give me the strength to not run my nails down them.

Afrodite said...

Dead @: “No, really it’s ok, I’m sure I had to be there.”

I have a few people at work that could get a size 10 up they ass. They'd better be glad I like money.