Tuesday, January 8, 2008

The Chick Who Offended My Vagina

Remember before the holiday when I got all mushy talking about a potential bisexual experience? Well the b*tch never called me. So all my curiosity about eating box flew right out the window.

Then similar to the time I had one too many vodka cranberries in a karaoke bar, ya know, the place where the fat guy slouched over the bar for half the night, suddenly gets up and feels the need sing ten Nickleback songs in a row? Yeah, that place. The same karaoke bar where I met (stumbled upon) a guy who later turned me into a pretzel and stuck random gardening tools up my ass. (Don’t tell me this hasn’t happened to anyone else before)…Well like I was saying, the chances of reenacting that experience is parallel to the fact that I bumped into the same chick at the bar Saturday night.

Coincidence? Maybe. Small world? I think not. Me drunk again? Yes, of course.

Let me just say for the record I was on fire that night. I had guys whispering things in my ear like, “Let me buy you two drinks” and “I like your weave” all night. I didn’t get any numbers, but I did get a couple of room keys. Wait a minute, now I get it. Damn. Ok so what I was dressed like a hooker at a pimp convention on 5th street and I watch enough TMZ to know how to correctly flash my vagina. (Thanks Britney!)

Anyway, the chick that hit on me a couple weeks ago was there and she was all up in my ass. No you sick people! Not literally in my ass, she was just jockin’ the goods. She kept trying to dance and rub up on me, while whispering in my ear, “damn girl your bad, your bad.” I’m sorry just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean anything. You got my number and you didn’t call, so stop rubbing up on me. I’m going to treat you like any other man. I demand an explanation! I’m a catch b*tch!

So she starts telling me her see-what-had-happened-was story about how she didn’t want to scare me, blah, blah, blah something about how amazing I am, blah, blah, blah. I know, I know, get to the point. Basically there was no point, so I brushed her off and she spent the rest of the night stalking me. Relentlessly trying to get me into the bathroom so we could make out.

No, I didn't go! It takes three not two drinks to get my shirt off and my tongue out.

At the end of the night she found me again only to remind me that she still had my number and this time she was going to call. I’m so sure and Ms Puddin’ has had gardening tools up her ass before, gah! It doesn't matter if she calls or not, I'm over it. I think I was just caught up in the moment.

So much for the vagina, it's back to the penis...

35 comments:

Deutlich said...

Oh, Puddin. I can't even think of anything witty to comment with. Suffice it to say, I fucking love reading your blog.

Hex said...

So hypothetically, if I'm noticing a few more aphids crawiling around my um ..chrysanthemums -- what do you feel would be the best implement to use if I wanted to get rid of them?

*lol*

country roads said...

3 drinks...I'll make note of that.

Suite B said...

Welcome back to the world of men...glad you didn't get turned out in the bathroom

c.watson said...

I'm gonna have to say I've never had garden tools stuck in any of my orifices, not that there's anything wrong with that. But, and this is only a suggestion from a well meaning friend, maybe you're doing it wrong?

Slaus of O Hell Nawl said...

See that's whats wrong with young people these days, they dont wanna follow up and follow through with shyT! It's always about your emotions. It's always about what it means to YouUUUUUU

but what about Me puddin baby. huh? when you were actin all stank to this girl did you not stop and think: What would be best for Slaus? Marcus Langford, Gsweet, So@24, did you think of the fellas?

No you selfish-azz sally.

You only thought about how YOU felt.

You didnt think that maybe the fellas wanted to sit back with a box of kleenex, an old sock and some lotion, and enjoy ourselves as we read a story about you and some other chick butt ass booty nekkid did you. DID you!>> nawl nawl you didnt.

When she asked to go make out with you in the bathroom, you should have done it, and taped it on your camera phone and sent it to slausaintshyt@deeznutz.com.

but no.

you wanted to act all stank.

just selfish as hale!

im disgusted and im leaving for good.



.... ok so I aint leaving for good, but im very dissapointed in you baby lady! hmph. What you did was just unamerican!

when you dont get nekkid with another woman and tell me about it, the terrorist win Puddin... the terrorists win.

Mister Underhill said...

She probably just chickened out. Sad but true.

Diva said...

Shoulda took done what you would have done with any man, girl.

Shoulda kissed her all hot and heavy like and walked away. Let her know what she missed for reals.

Her loss.

Slaus of O Hell Nawl said...

:: outside your blog picketing ::

The Guv'ner said...

....here's hoping that those gardening tools didn't include a rake or those pointy scissory shear things cos a) that would hurt something fierce and b) it would make you a HOE (get it!?)

God I'm (not) funny.

You are, however.

MsPuddin said...

I'm laughing too hard right now! When I get to work (yes I'm late)I will respond to everyone...even to u slaus...

Suite B said...

Damn Slaus is mad...I think you better give the man what he wants

Ms.Lady said...

WELCOME BACK TO THE PENIS CLUB!!!

lol..nah that was funny..i guess man or woman..the game is the same...keep it movin mama.

Still_Pocahontaz said...

You have been tagged, I got that azz, go to my blog to see what I mean

em said...

Hahaha. . .oh come on. . .I say give the girl a chance!

MsPuddin said...

deutlich- right back atcha mamas!

hex- I will be honest with you, I was under the influence when I had that experience and I’m not much of a gardener…

country roads- lol..oh REALLY…

suite b- if I did I probably would have kept it to myself anyway…* blinks * ok I lied, I would have posted it…

c. watson- which part the drinking or the tools up my ass…

slaus- Ok first of all don’t be gettin’ all hyphy on MY page. Second, I come back to the penis and you want to sit and tell me I’m selfish? You want to tell me about myself when your email address is slausaintshyt@deeznutz.com Focus, key words I LIKE PENIS AGAIN so Marcus Langford, Gsweet, So@24, even you might get lucky…(except G, we go too far back lol)

And see just like a man, about to walk away from the pussi, but just can’t bring himself to do it. HA! Now that’s what I call power…* whimper * wait, please, don’t leave…

PS- what does terrorism have to do with MY VAGINA!?

anyway…moving on…

mister underhill- I chickened? Never. Like a guy she didn’t call and the only reason she talked to me was because she bumped into me.

diva- I know I should have put her hand down my pants…

slaus- throwing hot grits and water on your line-

guv’ner- I didn’t really think this through, but I’m assuming the other end of the tools went in certain places…

suite b- slaus is being unreasonable…wait. Why are you on his side…if that’s the case lets go in the back and work this thing out…

ms. lady- thanks! Has anything changed? Did I miss anything?

still_p- aw crap…thanks chica…

em- You don’t call. You don’t get my tongue.

Opinionated Diva said...

I like your weave
LOL...please tell me that was just you being funny!!

Still_Pocahontaz said...

UMMM...so has she called...LOL

3 drinks eh....I dont know if we can hang out. Im a light weight after about the second in a half Im tipsy and sleepy.

Slaus of O Hell Nawl said...

.. i think I have laughed myself into a migraine.

Got clients on the phone like: dude what is so funny about QUad core servers?

me: im laughing about Girl on girl action.

client: uhm.. share.

Betty said...

hheheh I've just caught up on reading some of your posts....shit you are good value! funny bugger.

I hope your vagina and her vagina make friends again very soon. :)

Ms. Behaving said...

Opinionated diva took the words right outta my mouth...

No the fugg dude DID NOT say "I like your weave"?!?!?!

WWWWOOOOOOOWWWWW...

That chick was runnin' a bunch'a bullshyt [as far as try'na come up with excuses for WHY she didn't call...]

Bottom line...her loss!! ----------> N-E-X-T!!!!

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

u had to learn that from Brittney, LOL, and i would never offend such sedulouness, but would rather message it and your back from inside your body....let me stop lol

MsPuddin said...

opinionated diva- it happened just as much as the gardening tools experience. But a guy did try to run his fingers through my hair and got a bumpy surprise…

still_p – no she texted me and I didn’t respond. It depends on the night and what I’m drinking, but I’m pretty much a light wt too…

slaus- girl on girl and stand up are two way different things, I bet your coworkers are confused as hell lol

betty- thanks for coming to visit…our vaginas will never be friends…

ms. behaving- yup, just like that really corny MTV show, NEXT!

torrance- hey we gotta give Britney SOME credit…

G-Sweet said...

DIE'N LAFFIN @ SLAUS... "when you dont get nekkid with another woman and tell me about it, the terrorist win Puddin... the terrorists win."... HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!... OMG!...LMAO!

as much i would enjoy a good girl on girl story... PUDDIN's right, i dont wanna see her... burn my eyeballs out now please!... haha!

[still thinkin bout]... "the terrorists win"...

and Puddin i wanna see this girl dammit! (gimme her Myspace)

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I'm glad to read you're heading back to the pole.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

im sure u knew how, i mean i knew how to sling di** lol, u dont vist no more what gives

Marcus LANGFORD said...

Penis will always be better for ya babe; it's how it's supposed to be.

Marcus LANGFORD

maverick said...

nice one...its always good to enjoy the other side of ur persona..and then decide which one is the better one...im sure those moments will keep popping up once the shots are down :)

NYCPonderings Chick said...

i have a feeling the penis is going to be very happy ..and your vagina will be as well...but tell that bitch she had her chance to call!

Slaus of O Hell Nawl said...

Are Suite B and Puddin making out yet on film?

No?

bunk yall then.

:: goes back to picketing ::

Qucifer said...

BOOO!! Twat BOOO!!

(I know for a fact we twat carriers can be a damned mess, worse than any dude you ever dated, walking sexy little bags of issues... look me! I'm one!)

MsPuddin said...

G- hell no! lol you missed it, we all went out Sat night, where was U at?

bug’s butt- isn’t it refreshing…

torrance- :(, my bad babe, I’ll stop by later today…

marcus- what next your gonna tell me it’s good for my skin too? ;p

maverick- once the shots are down a LOT of things start popping up…

nyc chick- I always enjoy a happy penis…I know, b*tch!

slaus- * flashes picket line w her itty bitties *

qucifer- laughing @ “walking sexy little bags of issues”, it’s no joke…

onthevirg said...

How dare you deny us (or more importantly, me) a story of hot, steamy lesbian love?!?

Damn you MsP...damn you.

Smitty said...

Don't do it!























Unless I can watch....hahaha j/k unless you gonna do it.

So@24 said...

I'm glad you've come back. We welcome you with open arms.