Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Ms Puddin Gets Fucked

Ok I gave the link to this blog out to too many people I know. When I'm going about my day I always get a phone call or someone coming up to me like, "Hay Ms Puddin', I just got finished reading about the time you got freaky with a one-legged midget, some whipped cream and a strobe light."

"Wait. What? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I can explain."

I can't write about anything anymore. There are no more juicy stories about sex or dumpster babies, because I'm afraid somebody might turn me in. It sucks. I mean, I guess I don't mind people coming up to me, but I'd prefer it was to offer me a suggestion on where to find my panties, without judging on how I lost them.

So I am going to tell a sex story right now, but for my reputation's sake, lets pretend it happened a long time ago. In fact, let's just say I am still a virgin. I'm a virgin telling a sex story that happened a long, long,long time ago.

Ok great, glad we got that out the way. Now I can go ahead and say I'm good in bed. Honestly, the one-legged midget didn't have any complaints. So you can understand how surprised I was when I was having sex with an ex (of a long, long, long) time ago, who fell asleep when I was on top!

He did mention before we started getting it on he was drunk, tired and just wanted to go to sleep. But of course I ignored him. I busted out my whips, chains and started going all Kim Kardashian on his ass. He was good for about ten minutes, making some strange gurgling noises. Then all of a sudden he sounded like a fat man enjoying a pretzel. He started snoring! Are you serious!? I must of slapped the sh*t out of him!

"Wake up!" I yelled. His eyes popped open and he looked around, startled. "My bad babe," he said.

Yeah your bad. I had better sex with the one-legged midget and disco bal--I mean strobe light...

Happy Hump Day!!

35 comments:

Suite B said...

First of all Ms. Puddin...you ain't foolin me the way you posted this blog you must be still pissed and I'm thinking this went down 2 maybe 3 hours ago. Not that he said "My Bad Babe" I would have taken that whip and beat the hell out of him until he made me *happy* at least 3 times. That was some bullshit but as mad as you are, you still should have a smile on your face cause you didn't lose your panties this time...DID YOU?

STILL_POCAHONTAZ said...

Your labels to this post are hee fckin larious....

But um yeah, you should have sat on his face and damn near suffocated that ass, I bet he would have done more than wake up and apologize...LOL

c.watson said...

Nice post, and from now on all random panties that I find (it's a surprising amount) I'm gonna assume they're yours. No judgment about the loss of that particular garments or the vast quantities that I find. I will only judge because some of the ones that I find are pretty pathetic, if you're gonna lose your panties, I don't want to find the ones that you could also make a tent out of. I'm just saying... I expect Ms. Puddin's panties to be of a higher caliber than most of what I see in the parking garage, so you're gonna have to step up your game.

MsPuddin said...

suite b- you are one smart cookie, but lets keep all this information between me and you...

still_pocahontaz- lol oh there was a little bit of that too. PG, PG, PG lol

c.watson- yay! someone I will see this week and will comment on the one legged midget. Can't wait. And wait, you've seen tent panities in the parking garage? I thought no one was looking...

Mister Underhill said...

LOL!

Sounding like a fat man enjoying a pretzel??? That's priceless.

I was sure this was about me for a second, until I remembered I've never met you. phwew! I was totally ready to claim my penis IS SO as good as it looks in pictures and that the smell is not as bad as you claimed.

PS - it's hot that you had your way with him like that.

oestrebunny said...

Ha! Men...One time when I was on top my then boyfriend started watching Star Trek, apparently he was too distracted by Patrick Stewart to continue.

If only I were bald and in charge of a spaceship, then I too would have his undivided attention during sex.

Falling asleep though, that's way worse.

Hex said...

Well you know what they say -- sex is like pizza:

When it's good, it's GREAT!
and when it's bad it's.. still pretty good ;)

PS -- *lol* oestrebunny --That's when you need to kick in with the quotes from the show, you know slap him around a bit and say "Dammit Scotty, I need warp speed and I need it NOW. Warp Speed, Make it So!!!"

Lady~Daydreamer said...

No...he...didn't.....I agree with Pocahantaz!

Ms. Behaving said...

GASP...
HE FELL...A-S-L-E-E-P!?!?!?! Da fugg's up with that?????

Divalicious said...

Girrrrl... you should have tied his ass to the bed, woke him up, finished it up with him watchin and wantin and kicked his ass out the door.

BottleBlonde said...

HA! Yer not alone, Puddin'. My ex fell asleep as I gave him a lapdance for the first time. We still laugh about it ... though it wasn't fuckin' funny at the time.

Ms. Behaving, you are a hoot! HAaaaaa!

country roads said...

oh, that's just wrong. He's obviously gay.

Slick said...

I tend to agree with "country roads". The dude is pretty much a gay-fer.

Gotta be....

Course, why don't women understand that blowjobs usually wake men up quicker?

Just a suggestion instead of slappin' the shit out of'em.

Prunella Jones said...

Confusious say: Man who fall asleep during sex deserve vibrator up the butt. Buzz!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

You should have hooked some damn jumper cables up to those "big bad boys".


I do assume they were big....

NYCPonderings Chick said...

Ok I heard Kim K didnt really pee on him, she was only asked to

MsPuddin said...

mister underhill- it could have been us, I've had a few one night stands, but I don't remember anyone enjoying a pretzel

oestrebunny- damn I'd rather have him fall asleep then pick a star trek character over me, no offense but I like straight men...that is a real toss up

hex- crackin' up, but I don't think character quotes would have helped, he was snoring pretty loud

lady~dreamer- yes. he. did.

ms.behaving- yes! Nucca was knocked out!

divalicious- hmmm I think I should take notes from you, I could use that on someone who doesn't fall asleep

bottleblonde- hey look on the bright side, at least he wasn't inside of you. Maybe you just need to spice up your dancing skills, I could teach you a few moves

country roads- has to be...

slick- hey the slap woke him up, I'm pretty sure my blow job would have put him right back to sleep

prunella jones- great suggestion! Oh I can slap him with that too...

preposterous ponderings- jumper cables, hmmm once again something to add to my list of things to try with a man who doesn't fall asleep during sex

nyc chick- I don't care, you don't pee on your lover, if you want to mark your territory, just give a really awesome blow job. Not that I would know or anything...

UBERMOUTH said...

LMAO I fell asleep only once during sex and I got a very rude awakening.

Muze said...

oh, i'd have to kick his arse for that one. i mean, for real. lol. but i guess i can give him a tiny pass for being drunk and sleepy. but still!

and ohmygod this guy called out to me at the mall the other day talking about "Hey, that's Muze!!"

talk about being embarrassed. lol.

Ms.Lady said...

enjoying your blog..you are too much..lol..but yea..he deserves a nice slap in the face..he knew he was too tired/drunk to get it in..playing games...i wish K.D would..id make his night just as miserable as mine...messing with my damn climaxes...shiieet.

ambboogie said...

at least he didn't poot.

you're so demanding... lol

ambboogie said...

okay lemme stop frontin like this DIDNT happen to me.

I thought it would be nice to blindfold my man and get real freaky naughty on his azz.

well his ponk ass fell asleep.

FUKK blindfolds.

Ms. J said...

Im thinking if your losing your panties that much you should just maybe stop wearing them! Think of all the money you will save, more for drinks. Just a suggestion. Oh and yeah the midget?! Im sure that was just a joke, right? Hee hee hee?

The Cajun Boy said...

you're fucking the wrong men baby.

seriously.

MsPuddin said...

ubermouth- was it hard and wet?

muze- wow. Congrats! You re a celebrity. How creepy is that though…

ms. lady- lol yeah I was extra mad, but I’d do it again…

ambboogie- if anyone is doing any pooting it would probably be me lol @ fuck blindfolds…bitter are we?

ms. j- naw, that midget shit really happened…honest

the cajun boy- I fuck the wrong men, I date retards, I think it is time to regroup and go about this another way…

Mortarbored said...

That's why me blog be anonymous, yo.

Comatose Chris said...

Sorry Ms. P, I will keep my public talk of one legged midgets and XL condoms to a minimum.

UBERMOUTH said...

hahaha- NO it was a jabbing finger! lol

Bella said...

Who falls asleep during sex???!

Betty said...

you are a very funny girl Ms Puddin - I always like coming over here to see what you are up to next :)

G-Sweet said...

Wow... u post about gettin some (or at least attempting) and u get 30+ comments... lol

*shaking head*

One Man’s Opinion said...

Okay, Ms Puddin, I just need to know. Did you have sex with a one legged midget or are you a vigin, damn it? I feel you about the need of Anonymity from Blog world to real world. I have only told two people in the real world that I do my site, because I am afraid it will be misunderstood and I will be labeled a racist and possibly lose my job. And trust me, with the Department I work for, that crap can happen in a heartbeat. Peace.

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